Little Fires Everywhere (19 page)

So she learned to lie. Every few days, when she and Trip snuck away together—Tim Michaels's schedule permitting—she left a note in Moody's locker.
Have to stay after. See you at your house, 4:30?
Later, when Moody asked, Pearl always had an excuse that was plausibly vague. She'd
been making posters for the annual spaghetti dinner fund-raiser. She'd been talking to their English teacher about their upcoming paper. In reality, after their trysts, Trip would drop her off a block away and head off to practice, and she would turn up at the Richardson house on foot as usual while he went off to hockey practice, or to a friend's house, or circled the block for a few minutes until coming home himself.

They were observed only once. Mr. Yang, on his way home from bus-driving duty, steered his light blue Saturn down Parkland Drive and saw a Jeep Cherokee pulled to the side of the road, two teens inside pressed against each other. As he passed, they finally pulled apart and the girl opened her door and stepped out and he recognized his young upstairs neighbor, Mia's quiet, pretty daughter. It was none of his business, he thought to himself, though for the rest of the afternoon he found himself daydreaming back to his own teenage years in Hong Kong, sneaking into the botanical gardens with Betsy Choy, those dreamlike afternoons he had never told anyone about, and had not remembered to relive, for many years. The young are the same, always and everywhere, he thought, and he shifted the car into gear and drove on.

Since the Halloween party, Lexie and Brian had also been sneaking away together as often as they could—after practice, at the end and sometimes the start of their weekend dates, and once, during finals week, in the middle of the day between Lexie's physics exam and Brian's Spanish exam. “You're an addict,” Serena had teased her. To Lexie's great annoyance, someone always seemed to be at the Richardson house whenever she and Brian most wanted to be alone. But between Brian's father being on call and his mother working late, the Avery house was often empty, and in a
pinch they made do with Lexie's car, pulling off to a deserted parking lot and clambering into the backseat under the old quilt she'd begun to keep there for just this purpose.

To Lexie, the world seemed nearly perfect, and her fantasies were her real life with all the colors dialed up. After their dates, when she and Brian had reluctantly disentangled themselves and gone home, she would snuggle down in bed, still imagining his warmth, and picture the future, when they would live together. It would be like heaven, she thought, falling asleep in his arms, waking up beside him. She could not imagine anything more satisfying: the very thought filled her with a warm, almost postcoital glow. Of course they would have a little house. A yard in back where she could sunbathe; a basketball hoop just above the garage door for Brian. She would have lilacs in a vase on the dresser and striped linen sheets on the bed. Money, rent, jobs were not a concern; she did not think about these things in her real life, so they did not appear in her fantasy life either. And someday—here the fantasy began to twirl and sparkle like a firework against the night sky—there would be a baby. It would look just like the photo Brian's mother kept on the mantel, of Brian at one: curly headed, chubby cheeked, with brown eyes so big and soft that when you looked into them you felt like you were melting. Brian would bounce the baby on his hip, toss the baby in the air. They would picnic in the park and the baby would roll in the grass and laugh when the blades tickled his feet. At night they would sleep with the baby between them in a warm, soft, milk-scented lump.

In Shaker Heights, every student had sex ed not just once, but five times: in the fifth and sixth grade, considered “early intervention” by the school board; in the “danger years” of seventh and eighth grade; and again in tenth grade, the last hurrah, in which sex ed was combined with nutrition basics, self-esteem discussions, and job-application advice. But
Lexie and Brian were also teenagers, poor at calculating odds and even poorer at assessing risks. They were young and sure they loved each other. They were dazzled and dizzied by the vision of the future they planned to share, which Lexie wanted so badly, sometimes, that she lay awake at night thinking about it. Which meant that more than once, when Lexie reached into her purse and found no condoms, they were not deterred. “It'll be fine,” she whispered to Brian. “Let's just—”

And so it was that in the first week of March, Lexie found herself in the drugstore, contemplating the shelf of pregnancy tests.

She took a two-pack of EPTs off the bottom shelf and, tucking them under her purse, brought them to the register. The woman working there was young, maybe only thirty or thirty-five, but she had wrinkles all around her lips that made her mouth look permanently puckered.
Please don't ask any questions,
Lexie prayed.
Please just pretend you don't notice what I'm buying.

“I remember when I found out I was pregnant with my first,” the woman said suddenly. “Took the test at work. I was so nervous I puked.” She put the tests into a plastic bag and handed it to Lexie. “Good luck, honey.” This moment of unexpected kindness nearly made Lexie cry—whether at the shame of being noticed, or the fear her test would say the same, she wasn't sure—and she grabbed the bag and turned away quickly without even saying good-bye.

At home, Lexie locked the bathroom door and opened the box. The instructions were simple. One line meant no, two lines meant yes. Like a Magic 8 Ball, she thought, only with much bigger consequences. She set the damp stick on the counter and bent over it. Already she could see the lines forming. Two of them, bright pink.

Someone knocked on the bathroom door. “Just a second,” she called. Quickly she swaddled the test in toilet paper, using almost half the roll,
and shoved it down to the bottom of the garbage can. Izzy was still standing outside in the hallway by the time she'd flushed and washed her hands and opened the door at last.

“Admiring yourself in the mirror?” Izzy peered around her sister into the bathroom, as if someone else might be hiding there.

“Some of us,” Lexie said, “like to take a minute to brush our hair. You should try it sometime.” She swept past Izzy and into her bedroom, where, as soon as the door was shut, she huddled in bed and tried to think about what to do.

For a little while, Lexie believed, truly, that they could keep the baby. They could work something out. They could fix this, as everything had always been fixed for her before. She would be due—she counted on her fingers—in November. Perhaps she could defer at Yale for a semester and start late. Or perhaps the baby could live with her parents while she was away at college. Of course she would come home every break to see it. Or maybe—and this was the best dream of all—maybe Brian would transfer to Yale, or she could transfer to Princeton. They could rent a little house. Maybe they could get married. She pressed her hand to her stomach—still as flat as ever—and imagined a single cell pulsing and dividing deep inside, like in the videos in biology class. Inside her there was a speck of Brian, a spark of him turning over and over within her, transforming itself. The thought was precious. It felt like a promise, a present someone had shown her, then stowed away on a high closet shelf for later. Something she was going to have anyway, so why not now?

She began, circumspectly, by talking about Mirabelle, as she had been for months. “You wouldn't believe how teeny her fingers are, Bry,” she said. “The teeniest little nails. Like a doll, you wouldn't believe it. The
way she just melts into you when you hold her.” Then she progressed to other babies she'd recently seen, with the help of
People
magazine. Using Brian's shoulder as a pillow, fanning the glossy pages, she ranked them in order of cuteness, occasionally soliciting his opinion.

“You know who'd have the cutest babies, though?” she said. Her heart began to pound. “Us. That's who. We'd have the most adorable kids. Don't you think? Mixed kids always come out so beautiful. Maybe it's because our genes are so different.” She flipped through the magazine. “God, I mean, even Michael Jackson's kid is cute. And
he's
frickin' terrifying. There's the power of mixed kids.”

Brian dog-eared a page in his book. “Michael Jackson is barely black. Take it from me. And that is one white-looking baby.”

She leaned into Brian's arm, nudging the photo spread closer. In it, Michael Jackson lounged on a golden throne, holding an infant in his arms. “But look how cute.” She paused. “Don't you kind of wish
we
had one right now?”

Brian sat up, so abruptly Lexie nearly fell over. “You're crazy,” he said. “That's the craziest shit I've ever heard.” He shook his head. “Don't even say shit like that.”

“I'm just
imagining,
Bry. God.” Lexie felt her throat tighten.

“You're imagining a baby. I'm imagining Cliff and Clair killing me. They wouldn't even have to touch me. They'd just give me that look and I'd be dead. Instant. Instant death.” He ran his hand over his hair. “You know what they'd say?
We raised you to be better
than that.
”

“It really sounds that awful to you? Us together, a little baby?” She crimped the edge of the magazine with her fingernails. “I thought you wanted us to stay together forever.”

“I do. Maybe. Lex, we're eighteen. You know what people would say? Everybody would say, oh look, another black kid, knocked a girl up
before he even graduated from high school. More teen parents. Probably going to drop out now. That's what everybody would say.” He shut his book and tossed it onto the table. “No way am I going to be that guy. No. Way.”

“Okay.” Lexie shut her eyes and hoped Brian wouldn't notice. “I didn't say let's have kids right now, you know. I'm just
imagining.
Just trying to picture what the future might be like, is all.”

Hard as it was to admit, she knew he was right. In Shaker, high schoolers did not have babies. They took AP classes; they went to college. In eighth grade everyone had said Carrie Wilson was pregnant: her boyfriend, it was well known, was seventeen and a dropout from Cleveland Heights, and Tiana Jones, Carrie's best friend, had confirmed to several people that it was true. Carrie spent several weeks looking smug and mysterious, rubbing her hand on her belly, before Mr. Avengard, the vice principal, called an assembly to address the entire grade. “I understand there are rumors flying,” he said, glaring out at the crowd. The faces looked so young to him: braces, acne, retainers, the very first bristles of a beard.
These children,
he thought,
they think it's all a joke.
“No one is pregnant,” he told them. “I know that none of you young ladies and gentlemen would be that irresponsible.” And indeed, as weeks passed, Carrie Wilson's stomach remained as flat as ever, and people eventually forgot all about it. In Shaker Heights, either teens did not get pregnant or they did an exceptionally good job of hiding it. Because what would people say?
Slut,
that's what the kids at school would say.
Ho,
even though she and Brian were eighteen and therefore legally adults, even though they had been together for so long. The neighbors? Probably nothing, not when she walked by with her belly swollen or pushing a stroller—but when she'd gone inside, they'd all talk. Her mother would be mortified. There
would be shame and there would be pity, and Lexie knew she was not equipped to withstand either one.

There was only one thing to do, then. She curled up on the bed, feeling small and pink and tender as a cocktail shrimp, and let her fantasy go, like a balloon soaring into the sky until it burst.