Little Tim, Big Tim (18 page)

Then for me to find the courage to do the journey down south to revisit the places and houses where the abuse took place. It was the memories of what transpired within and around the bricks and mortars. For all that lost time and space to now be allowed to have some context.

Dr Jan:
Huge courage.

Tim:
I think taking an understanding that where we are in relationship to the therapy and its direction. It’s the next step, and if there is another diagnosis that is lesser than or minimises DDNOS, I feel that is where I am at. See, when you said I would need five years of therapy, making me aware that this problem of mine would not dissolve over night, I argued and said ‘Nah.’

Dr Jan:
(Laughs) I remember you saying you saying ‘Nah,’ like we had to find some way to do it faster.

Tim: I
had no idea of how we were going to find a way to do it faster, for I had never been exposed to psycho-therapy as intensely that I was about to experience with you.

Dr Jan:
I have to say that you have probably worked harder than any other client I have worked with, which is why it is faster than five years. If we found one way that worked for you, I was always thinking maybe we should’ve done more of that, we have just done something and I had the feeling that we might possibly have to do ten more of those relevant sessions.

However by the time you come back to the next session you don’t need to do anymore of those. I’m often left with an thought am I doing you a disservice by not offering those ten sessions, or should I just go with you and acknowledge ‘ok, lets go to the next step.’ Generally I have just gone with you, tentatively aware that if we need to travel the ground again, we will.

Tim:
Yeah, and I have done my recovery twenty-four, seven and I’m getting comfortable, with the writing, releasing the anger I carried against the military, for other people to see, the recovery autobiography and finishing that. You have got no idea, correction; everybody else has got no idea it doesn’t have to be published. Its just part of my recovery journey. I would like to see it published if my story of recovery assists others in their chosen path back to normality, but it doesn’t matter, the work has been done.

If it leads to individuals saying to themselves I don’t have to be dictated to, for example the ten sessions not being a necessity.

Dr Jan:
Sure, not following recipes.

Tim:
If that closes doors and slams shut the lids of Pandora’s boxes. Then that’s why my story may be published.

Dr Jan:
We have always had that understanding—that I wasn’t going to impose a textbook on you. There was some anxiety earlier that maybe if you didn’t do it the textbook way, I wouldn’t believe you. That this may not be the way that DID was suppose to be, that maybe the textbook wouldn’t mirror your behaviour. So from very early we got it clear that there is no textbook that this is the TIM ROY’S story.

Whatever it is for you, that’s the way it is for you. I’m not going to impose a belief onto you that it’s not supposed to happen like that. Also, I decided to not tell you to complete particular sessions when they weren’t relevant to the levels that you where achieving yourself. We have always had a very individualised approach, which is the method I use with all my therapy sessions. I get quite cross with recipe therapy, all clients are unique.

Tim:
Another thing that has been of assistance was being able to return to the next session and listen to what you said and try to find a way to apply the knowledge within my recovery. I listen to my mental health professionals. I could’ve have read.

Dr Jan:
Mmm yes

Tim:
I could’ve read, I decide not to pick up, one self-help book/books. I know a lot of people mighten agree with that strategy.

Dr Jan:
Yes you decided not to be influenced. There is a lot of confusion within DID, because all the memory is vague and there are so many gaps. I think every DID patient questions if it’s real, I don’t think there is any DID patient that doesn’t.

Tim:
Once a week.

Dr Jan:
Exactly, and then there this concern that if you do read something relevant to the subject, how were you going to manage to not entangle someone else’s story with your own truth. I believe that approach was quite wise for you, even though at times it’s quite helpful/useful to read others’ stories to be able to identify and relate.

Tim:
It’s the healing process I have chosen to write, to have read others’ work I could be accused of plagiarism, I am safe from that accusation.

Dr Jan:
That assisted us to know whatever happen, happened, and that you were not influenced by the stories of others. Then whatever happens happened and that allowed us to just explore and what is, is, and we will work it out together.

For quite a long time, there was a lot of trying to map what the system was. You came up with one watershed session: the triangular system.

Tim:
That was clever, that was only thirteen though. But I knew there was more.

Dr Jan:
Yes, I never thought any number was something I should hang onto, because you never know. Before that you where very confused and you drew me a lovely diagram at the time trying to explain to me how you felt.

The diagram depicted all these circles with eyes, the eyes of the circles where looking in at Little Tim as you identified that persona at the time. What became confusing for you was that with the work (therapy) we were doing some of the circles now where looking out, this was strange and new. Now they where looking out through their own eyes for the first time seeing what’s going on rather than being directed.

Sometimes a picture tells a thousand words. Quite often, pictures in therapy have some visual image, some analogy, or metaphor, which is often the way the unconscious speaks, in metaphors. This has been utilised because it has been too difficult to explain in words. Then you progressed to show/draw the triangulation diagram, and this was a way of conceptualising what you where experiencing. Because it wasn’t individuals, it was all these connections with different strengths.

Tim:
Yeah, firstly I worked on a square, with two diagonal lines intersecting in the centre, with a circle drawn over the intersection, the circle, as I understood it represented Little Tim. The outside lines of the square and the inside lines that crossed represented a persona that wasn’t connected up and only understood their own existence.

With the advancement of the triangular understanding, I now experienced three personas that had their own identity were now connected and their experiences and memories could now be shared within their nominated triangular structure. As one triangle gave identity to three personas, due to the symmetric properties of a square dissecting in the middle, there were now four triangles that held three personas each. The centre still circled and represented Little Tim. Now I could identify twelve personas and Little Tim.

However the triangle that held its own three personas could not access the others’ world. The frustration lay with not being able to access the others, as we became increasing aware that the system wanted to integrate. Slowly we understood that we could access the identities in their entirety, the Seventeen, as the next diagram I drew was the wheel and the spokes became the personas meeting in the middle which was known as Big Tim. We are clever.

Dr Jan:
Yes. We are clever. I think what’s clever is the unconscious mind, in solving dilemmas. That is what your unconscious mind has had to do your whole life, find ways to deal with this, that’s its going to work, keep you safe and keep you functioning. I never cease to be amazed at how clever the unconscious is. We think in these logical minds, and it comes up with something completely laterally.

Tim:
So the progression of the diagram’s complexity and the understanding that I know had led to the hospitalisation and that I eventually let go of the belief that Little Tim controlled the system; Little Tim just remained Little Tim.

We were in a safe place and we were ready to accept the truth whatever that was. Change our core beliefs. The first example was that we could not integrate with the flood method; we had to absorb the truth within a trickle method.

Our DID system was created because we got overwhelmed, so we can’t be flooded in therapy/recovery because that doesn’t work. We had to accept that opposites work. Opposite behaviours, beliefs and actions have led to the understanding that Little Tim was not in control it was just what my mind understood to be able to explain to somebody else that was what was going on.

Dr Jan:
I think back and all along it didn’t seem to make a lot of sense that Little Tim was in control. It’s inappropriate to tell you you’re wrong, you’re never wrong; I can’t ever tell you you’re wrong. I can try and explore what you are telling me so I can make some sense of it, its never wrong; it always has got some reason for why it’s being expressed.

So I listen and say to myself well that’s interesting, that’s curious and let’s just explore that further. I know this, that whatever is there for a reason and the reason is always protective, including something’s that looks self destructive, self sabotaging. Then there are times where you can’t see the protective reason.

My understanding of DID, is that whatever is created at the time that it was created, was functional and the function was always protection and survival. I always say to myself if I don’t understand something, wait for it to be revealed to me, rather than say it’s wrong, it’s never wrong. The awareness I have now is the unconscious presented that understanding to ensure that the pace of integration happened at the pace that was required to keep you safe and protected.

Tim:
So as my journey continued I got intrigued and fascinated by the possibility of a collective reality, although the fear was still there initially, that I’m a freak.

Dr Jan:
That word I have difficulty hearing you use to describe yourself.

Tim:
I love that word; I’m a fascinating freak. Fascinating funny freak.

Dr Jan:
I would rather hear unique than freak.

Tim:
Well I have forgiven myself for feeling any shame that revolved around feeling different.

Dr Jan:
Exactly, It’s a word that has your own meaning to it.

Tim:
Exactly, if society wants to run around the school ground labelling/calling me a freak. Well I rather be that kid that can accept it and say yeah, I can deal with that. Take all the venom and fun away from the uneducated.

Dr Jan:
Yeah that makes sense.

Tim:
What I would like to do with Public Speaking, the ‘education of does it really matter.’ How much precedence we place on the importance of things we can’t change. The relative point I used, was how hard it was initially just to stay in the moment.

Techniques of the flicking an elastic band on my wrist just to stay in this reality, to the other technique taught, LOOK, HEAR and FEEL. What do I see, what do I hear, what do I feel on my body to not totally disassociate. People become quickly aware that the uncontrolled parts of their lives don’t matter; it’s what they can do about/for themselves that really matters.

Dr Jan:
It interesting that some people might look at those skills/techniques as a simple little thing. But it’s interesting how powerful giving someone simple little tools allows the more complicated process to look after itself. You have got to have a way to know that ‘if this happens I have got some way to get back,’ which empowers you enough to have the courage to do the work. The mind wants to heal, however it has to have a safe way to accomplish it, the simple techniques give the system an escape route.

Tim:
That’s right because we know that if we get overwhelmed, we are doing the opposite to what we need to do to heal. We need that escape route to pause and regain control of the pace we are working at.

Dr Jan:
The therapeutic process has to be based on trust. This is an ongoing process, understanding and trust and then introduces some of those tools to you fairly quickly. So you can assess that this going to be safe.

Tim:
In the early days I have a vague memory of not feeling safe at the movies.

Dr Jan:
That was the first time you froze. You shut down; there was some altercation with someone at the ticket counter.

Tim:
No I didn’t want to move and when I did some big bloke called me a Wanker and the soldier wanted to teach him a lesson. We just wanted him to swing.

Dr Jan:
Ok, when I was called you were frozen, and could hardly talk. We used Look Hear Feel and eventually after some time we got you back so you could go home.

Tim:
All the Soldier wanted was for this bloke, who is so brave, to gob off but when he realised that I was standing behind him, didn’t want to take a swing. What happened next was overwhelming confusion.

Dr Jan:
Of course, as it turned out; another event that moved your healing rapidly. Prior to this you, would have compartmentalised the threat/situation and only one persona would’ve interacted. This time, due to the progress you had made, the system argued back and forth until the only solution left was to shut down.