Little Tim, Big Tim (22 page)

Dr Jan:
Exactly, that’s a lovely way to describe it. That’s what we need. It’s not to be dumping but to actually be trickled, sprinkled. It doesn’t have to be each part is going to get everything it ever did. Everything it ever felt, dump on top of any other part. Maybe if something comes up and reminds them of their job that they allow the other parts to get a bit of that.

Troy:
Yeah Yeah a bit of that.

Dr Jan:
Say if something comes up in everyday life. Like in Tim’s life now that one part is carrying something, instead of just doing it on their own they can trickle; ‘Okay here’s a little bit of what I feel in these situations,’ rather than do it on their own, they trickle, could that happen?

Troy:
Yeah yeah this is what I have to get across to the fixer upper. Me just me sitting here trying to talk without getting angry is really a lot of hard work. Me stopping the angry noise coming out is really a lot of hard work. Because that’s who I am. You say to me ok, we just trickle. We understand we need the sand but to get something happening WE have to actually have the memory given to us of the thing that happened, right?

Dr Jan:
Mmm.

Troy:
Let’s talk about what Shane did when he told William the writer about all this stuff when me and Shane meet each other, in the abandoned building. Right?
Big sigh!

Let’s talk about that, what happened there is that all of a sudden… I don’t know how many years later… A long time… I’ve got to feel and remember that situation. Now, I look after anger; I look after being naughty and I make sure we’re strong and we can breathe tomorrow. That my job.

Dr Jan:
Yep.

Troy:
We’ve got a situation now that where I got to feel shame because that’s Shane’s job and I got to share that feeling. But it’s not just painful (very angry)

Because it’s it’s everything, it’s the whole bloody thing.

It’s like the building and the noise, the crap on the floor, the fear, it all comes in. You just don’t know. (Extremely agitated)

You don’t know if it’s going to stop or is it just going to keep going. I’ll come back to my cupboard because it’s safer there. I just don’t know, I don’t want to be angry anymore, I’m tried of being angry. I want to be part of this that’s going on, but us little people we just don’t understand, too much time. Not only that he (Shane) has hundreds and hundreds of times he was shamed. He’s telling his story and I don’t know I don’t know how to find the sand.

Dr Jan:
Somehow I think what the sand is. It’s something like a video.

Troy:
I don’t even know what a video is!

Dr Jan:
Like a Movie. Do you know what a movie is?

Troy:
Yeah we had movies

Dr Jan:
I’m wondering if the parts that are learning that, could let the other parts know to do it like a movie. You get to see it, if it’s going too fast you can slow it down. If it’s going too slow you can speed it up. If you want to know what happens at the end you can move to the end and then come back to it. If you want to turn the sound off you can turn the sound off.

Troy:
Little bits at a time.

Dr Jan:
I’m hoping they are all listening now. It’s the way you can also do it when you’re trying to let someone know about your anger or when you were surviving. You can just do a little bit about it then say ‘ok I want to stop now, we do some more another time.’ You can do it in black and white or you can do it in colour. You can do it with sound or without.

Close your eyes at sections if you don’t want to see it. You can watch it another time with one eye open if you want to, you can do it any way you want to. And Shane and the others, whoever is showing you, needs to let you do whatever way you want to do it. In that same way, they get to hear the other people, including you, any way they want to. Every part needs to do it the way they want to. They can go over it as many times as they need to.

Troy:
The little people are saying that the others forgot us, we don’t see them helping us. They forgot us. They forgot that we were around. They want to know how you think they are going to help us? They forgot us; they didn’t know us until writer (William) came along.

Dr Jan:
Was that because you didn’t want them to know you were around?

Troy:
The situation was that we were pushed out in the first place.

Dr Jan:
Did you go very quiet, or did they shut the doors down or what happened?

Troy:
They didn’t need me when Mark stopped the belt there was no need for me to do the job. There’s only one job you don’t get two people doing the one job. (Angrily)

Dr Jan:
Ok. It might not have been pushing you out, it might have been someone else taking over the job and you got a rest.

Troy:
Did they forget us?

Dr Jan:
They might not have known about you They might have only just started… what they knew was when they started. They might not have known what came before. They might just be learning now that you were there before.

Troy:
So I got to tell the young ones, the little ones, for us to have some sand we have to tell the older ones to slow down.

Dr Jan:
That’s right. And if they don’t know that, you can just go out of the room, close your eyes, whatever you have to do if it’s too fast just say ‘that’s all I can take right now.’ If they don’t hear that, then you can go out of the room. You only stay in the room if it’s not too much, if it’s too much you go out of the room, come back when its playing another time.

Troy:
They are getting angry at me because they don’t understand how, it all works. Like I used it in the beginning, that those times I used anger like they all do now. The memories of the horror, pain, fear, everybody always scared.

Dr Jan:
They don’t have to, every time you use anger or if any part wants to use anger to be strong. They don’t have to remember every single thing that was part of; they can just use strength.

Troy:
That’s the writer’s fault. He just doesn’t know. He is so young. Got no idea what we went through. He just writes our story. He’s got no story. He might have a story with the screenplays and books he writes, he’s got no story of life, he writes our story. That’s why I’m saying it is his fault because he wants us to walk through a bloody storybook. And know what we are supposed to feel because we don’t feel. We got to know what we are suppose to feel otherwise we’re not good and we are not going to make anything out of ourselves.

(Very angry voice)

He wasn’t there, he doesn’t know how much bullshit was going through us at the time, and he doesn’t know how scary it was. He just writes, you know, he writes our story and uses these big words, that don’t mean nothing to us. We’re little people,

(Frightened voice)

We’re scared we don’t care about what bottles are broken or how many windows I broke, I was just looking after Shane. Little Tim couldn’t deal with it any more. Right? That’s what happens. I was there for most of them. Except when Mark came along he was there for most of them. He doesn’t even know I know that.

Dr Jan:
Two things about that are that the little people didn’t get forgotten and someone else looked after them, taking over some of the stuff.

Troy:
We still don’t want to get bigger, don’t want to be like those big men, why get bigger, real scary don’t want to get bigger.

Dr Jan:
So you know that when you got bigger you didn’t turn out like those men?

Troy:
Yeah, now I do ’cause I remember, they have got no idea how clever us little people really are. We just go in and out and we can see what’s going on. Yeah we know we are not bad men.

Dr Jan:
Mmm Mmm. So can we come back to the little ones who thought they had been forgotten? Are they still feeling that way or do they think that now it wasn’t about being forgotten?

Troy:
We just don’t get it right, get in trouble, don’t drop crumbs on the floor.

Dr Jan:
Did you get in trouble today for dropping crumbs on the floor?

Troy:
No!

Dr Jan:
So do you know that it doesn’t matter anymore about the crumbs?

Troy:
I’m learning

Dr Jan:
You are, so you know that you are in my office and that you are not going to get into trouble for dropping crumbs?

Troy:
Yes

Dr Jan:
So you don’t have to get in trouble anymore.

Troy:
Sometimes.

Dr Jan:
Do you, which time?

Troy:
Sometimes when the big adults are yelling at one of the big guys. He might run away, and it seems natural to us to go and take charge.

Dr Jan:
Because that is what you always do.

Troy:
Yeah. It seems more natural to me cause little Tim can’t stand up to them.

Dr Jan:
So we really need the big guys who are grown up to stay in that situation.

Troy:
(whispers) Yeah but they don’t. See if there a big guy putting it on Shane, that be because we done something wrong. Shane doesn’t understand that but Gary does, cause he knows that you got to feel bad if you have done something wrong. So he steps in so that’s where it really works for us because we at that point have no real understanding of what is going on. And this person is just ranting and raving and when the ranting and raving starts I go in and then Peter goes in and we try and sort it out, but it doesn’t get sorted out that well because we can’t, don’t know how big people think.

Dr Jan:
That’s one of the reasons why we thought that the system had to change somehow because that’s when it doesn’t work that well. We’re trying to find a way where that doesn’t happen; where you only get big people information to try and deal with a grown up situation. We need a grown ups to be able to deal with that situation rather than younger parts that don’t have that skill. We need a grown up to stay there and work out what this is about, work out what’s the appropriate way to deal with the situation.

Troy:
We can but it’s really hard.

Dr Jan:
Yeah but I know you can

Troy:
Now, we worked out today that we needed sand, and to fix the situations we close our eyes. Now there is no need to get angry and upset if we know to close our eyes, because we have been told to close our eyes. Before that we wouldn’t have that thought.

Dr Jan:
So how about you can try to close your eyes and when you come to see me next time you can tell if it works or not.

Troy:
You want me to go back to the cupboard and sleep all week; you want me to be away for a week.

Dr Jan:
No no. That’s not what I’m saying, what I’m saying is if there’s memories coming in too hard and fast, things are getting too overwhelming you can try closing your eyes. So you don’t get overwhelmed by it, you don’t get too much sand being swept away. You can leave it as a trickle or you can have just one eye open or close them and take a rest from it. You don’t have to go away to do that. I don’t want you to not be around. I’m saying just try to get the sand to trickle by using that technique and report back to me if that’s better, a better way to do it.

Troy:
And other ones.

Dr Jan:
Let the others know that they can do the same thing. And if it works for some and not the others I need to know that so I can think of a better way for the others.

Troy:
Ok

Dr Jan:
So next week you tell me if it’s working or not.

Troy:
You’re the fixer upper

Dr Jan:
Now we need to stop. Can Big Tim or the writer come back so you can drive home?

Dr Jan:
You alright?

Tim:
I’m back.