Live In Position (66 page)

For the rest of the week Collin shadowed everything. If I had a reading at a bookstore, he was there. If we went to dinner, he was there, just never with us. Every morning flowers arrived to the hotel from him with apologies and declarations of love. It was hard not to give in to him. I loved him so much and he still wasn't aware of the baby. My emotional state was plagued with hormonal craziness, which only fueled my confusion.

I stayed strong all the way up to our departure from New York. Collin sat in first class on the flight, and while he had tried to move us to first class with him, I had refused to allow the
change. Victoria and I flew back together. The flight was long enough for me to think and make some decisions.

Decisions are what I made. It may not have been the final choices, but what I had decided seemed for the best, at least for now.

The day after we had gotten back to Seattle I moved into a guest room and then made arrangements with Will and Miranda. Miranda was largely pregnant, but wouldn't allow me to get someone else to help. She knew everything. I told her every gritty detail and she agreed. I needed time, time away for myself.

The second day after getting back, I talked to Victoria. She cried and sniffed, but after I reassured her, she calmed and accepted my plans. We fell asleep watching a movie together and I stayed in her room the rest of the night.

Collin and I moved in separate circles. He was gone for work by the time I was moving about the house and when he got home I made sure to be busy with Victoria. There was still too much going on inside of me to confront him or to even attempt to talk with him. The last time we spoke was when he protested my move into the guest room.

The third night home I broke our silence. I handed him a couple of things, including Victoria's schedule.

"What's this?" he furrowed his brow as he sat behind the large dark wooden desk.

"Will and Miranda will be helping with Victoria while I'm away." I spoke calmer than I thought I would.

"Away?" he whispered and turned his sad eyes on me. I nodded, fighting the tears. "You're leaving, again?" I nodded. "For good?" He closed his eyes as he finished his question. His body stiffened, bracing for my response.

"I don't know." His shoulders fell and his head bowed into his hands. "I need time to myself. To think about things and to just…I just need some time away." I stood and left the room before his tears broke down my willpower and stopped me.

The next morning I took Victoria to school and then drove to Tacoma. My father and Carla were expecting me.

Chapter Thirty Seven

Carla and my father welcomed me with loving smiles, but eyes filled with pity. The pity killed me. I didn't want that. What I wanted was answers to the questions I kept asking myself.

Could I really stay with Collin and marry him? Would he even allow me to leave him once he knows about the pregnancy? I knew I couldn't possibly live under his rule of me being homebound and giving up on my dream. Now that I had a taste of my dream, no one would stop me from achieving it. It could be achieved with Collin and Victoria in my life, but he didn't see that and I wasn't sure he ever would.

During my second day in bed, Carla pushed open my door and stood with her hands on her hips. I raised one eyebrow at her weird behavior. She just stared at me and I started to feel uncomfortable.

"What?" I blurted nervously.

"It's time to get out of bed and meet me in the kitchen. We need to talk." She eyed me in that mother-like way, which said, plain and simple, don't argue with me.

Once she left the room, I threw back the covers and headed to the shower. The warm water felt amazing and invigorating, but I was still nervous about whatever Carla wanted to talk about. After drying and dressing, I made my way, slowly, down to the kitchen. The smell of fresh coffee filled the air.

"Mmmm, coffee." Seriously, it came out in my best Homer Simpson impression.

"None for you." Carla made me jump as she shoved a glass of orange juice at me.

"What? Why?" I scowled at her. Practically drooling as she poured a steamy mug full.

"Because it's not good for the baby," she turned and sat at the table without looking at me. My eyes widened and I grasped the glass tightly.

"H-how did you know?" I gasped.

"I knew it!" Her beaming face snapped up to mine and she clapped her hands.

"Wait, what?" I slid into the familiar kitchen chair completely confused.

"I was suspicious with all the bathroom time and you eating like you haven't for a year. Plus you're glowing." She placed a hand on top of mine.

"So you tricked me into confessing?" I was shocked at her tactics.

She shrugged. "I do what I have to do." She smirked and sipped her coffee.

"I can't believe you," I fought not to smile, but it was too funny.

"Oh, you can have coffee, its decaf." She smiled larger. My mouth was agape at her admission. She was definitely a mastermind.

Carla coaxed me into telling her what was going on, and I had to admit it felt good to talk to someone who wasn't involved in my Seattle life. She listened, nodded, agreed, and disagreed, but mostly she was comforting.

"I think you did the right thing coming home. You need to think about all of this and figure out what you want." She stood and took our mugs to the sink.

"So, you don't think I'm running away?" I bit my lip.

"Perhaps a little, but I understand why. You're scared. This is a lot to deal with and all at once, though I'm biased about the baby." She smiled brightly. "I cannot wait till that little bundle gets here." Carla almost squealed. I laughed, but it wasn't whole hearted.

"Listen Sophia, I know I'm not your mother, but I'm here for you; forever." Her hand settled on my shoulder. I burst into tears and wrapped my arms around her waist. From that moment, Carla was more than a step-mother.

I spent the rest of the day watching chic flicks with Carla. We laughed during Bridget Jones' Diary, cried during Beaches, and did a little of both during Breakfast at Tiffany's. The afternoon was relaxing and I didn't have to think about a thing.

The next morning I woke up with instant thoughts about Victoria. Though I called Will every day to make sure she was doing okay, last night he had acted strange when I talked with him. I was getting the feeling she wasn't okay and it hurt so much to be the cause.

I dressed quickly and warmly before climbing into my father's old truck and driving to the boat docks. It was still early, but most of the fishing boats had already left for their day of work on the ocean. I shivered at the thought of being on the water in this cold weather; however, it didn't stop me from walking around the docks and looking out into the water.

Victoria was sad and suffering because of me. I left to clear my head and figure out what I wanted, but still hadn't come up with a damn thing. The questions still swirled through my mind on replay.

Did I want to leave Seattle? No. Could I accept leaving Victoria? Never. Could I really give up and walk away from Collin? Not at all. Did I think getting married in a few months was a good idea? God, no. There was still so much to work out, so much to discuss and work on. I couldn't willingly enter marriage with these issues lingering over us. Unable to take the cold weather any longer, I climbed into the truck and drove back to my childhood home.

My father was home that evening. For old time's sake, I challenged him to some poker. We used to play cards on his boat, during winter months, and especially on holidays when we were home all day together.

With two bags of chips and large glasses of Pepsi, the game was on. Carla laughed at our banter and taunts throughout the different hands we played. Eventually I had her sit with me, trying to teach her how to play and beat my dad.

That night I went to bed full of sweet and salty treats. This morning I woke up having to pee so badly I was actually considering just squatting over the garbage can in the bedroom. It was closer. My other issue, I was swollen. The engagement ring Collin had given me was so tight I thought my finger would turn purple. I finally got the ring off when I entered the kitchen. I sighed in relief.

"You really should pick up a baby book and start reading." Carla laughed. "You would know not to eat so much salty stuff." She shook her head and sat eggs and toast on the table.

"You're probably right." I set the ring down on the table. She picked it up and whistled. "It's probably a sign I should give it back." My poor joke didn't make Carla laugh, she scowled at me.

"Don't go making drastic decisions without talking to the man first," she quipped and set the ring on the table. "Here," she took a gold chain from her neck and slipped the ring onto it. "This way you won't lose it, but you won't cut off the circulation to your finger. Drink a lot of water to get the swelling down." She handed over the necklace to me.

"Thanks," I spoke around a mouthful of eggs. "I'll give it back once I can get the ring back on." I slipped the necklace over my head.

"I trust you." She winked at me and turned back to the stove.

After showering and getting dressed, once again I took out my dad's truck. I drove around town, stopping here and there to reminisce about childhood and my life. It wasn't long before I found myself at the docks again. I was aimlessly walking around when a rope hit me in the head.

"What the –"

"I'm so sorry," a deep husky voice called out. "I didn't realize anyone was out there."

Over the side of a large docked sailboat came a dark haired man. His smile was so bright and infectious. I had to smile back.

"It's alright," I rubbed my head. I started to walk away.

"You really shouldn't walk the docs in this cold weather. You could fall in." He hopped down from the boat and stepped toward me."

"I-I'll be fine." The sight of this large man coming toward me began to make me nervous. He was so tall. I barely reached his shoulder. When he stopped a decent amount of steps between us, I relaxed.

"Honestly, the water freezes easily on these boards, so be careful." He smiled again.

"I will." I turned and continued to walk away.

When I slipped a little on a patch of ice my face flushed red and I turned back. He was laughing at me.

"Shut up," I laughed and turned back. "Okay, so it's not so safe," I stated as I walked by him chuckling. We were both laughing when I took the last step off the dock. A throat cleared drawing my attention. My smile fell from my face.

"Sophia," Collin spoke, but all I could see was his frazzled and disheveled appearance.

"Collin," I tried to speak, but only air came out.

He took a step forward, testing my reaction. When I stayed in my spot, he closed the distance and wrapped me in his arms. The embrace felt so good and familiar I put my arms around him.

"I've missed you so much," he squeezed harder.

"Collin," I gasped, "hard to breath." He pulled away.

"I apologize," he took my hands in his and rubbed his thumb over my fingers. He paused and confusion filled both our faces. His eyes dropped to my hand. "You aren't wearing your ring?" The words were choked out in sadness and anger. Before I could respond, he reacted.

"I guess you've made your decision."

He brought his head up and looked over my shoulder. I glanced behind me and saw the dark haired man working on his boat. Turning back to Collin, I could easily read his assumption.

"Are you kidding me?" I was taken aback by his insinuation.

"I can only assume. You left and haven't come back." The muscles of his jaw were tight and it was clear he was fighting for control.

"Yes, I left, but that didn't mean I wasn't coming back. I needed time to think." Tears formed in my eyes.

"And with the lack of your ring, I'm guessing you've made some decisions." He spat out, a single tear escaped his eye. I pulled my hands from his.

"Yes, I have." I quipped angrily and stomped around him toward my dad's truck.

"Sophia," his tone was warning. I spun around and jumped with how close he was behind me. "Don't just walk away. Where is your ring?" A sea of rage and sadness battled in his eyes.

I yanked the gold chain out from under my shirt. His eyes focused in on the ring.

"It's right here," I spat.

"But why –?"

"I'm swollen Collin." And before he could get another word or question out I finished. "It's something that happens to a pregnant woman." I turned back to the truck, climbed in and revved the engine.

Punching the gas pedal, I reversed and sped out of the parking area. Gravel sprayed from under my tires and I could hear small clinks against metal. I only hoped to have hit his car with some of them. Pulling up to my father's house, I got out of the car trying to wipe away the tear streaks from my face.

"Mommy!" Victoria's voice made my stomach flip and warm tingles spread through my body. We ran toward each other and I scooped her up in my arms. "Why are you crying?"

I set her back on her feet and smiled down to her, "Because I'm so happy to see you." I kissed the top of her head,

"I've missed you so much," she wrapped her arms around my legs. My anger and frustration with Collin melted away.

The sound of tires screeching to a stop pulled both of our attention toward Collin's car. His movements were fast as he emerged from the car, slamming the door, and approaching our reunion. My muscles tensed and my back straightened.

"Sophia?" The regretful sound of his voice caused my muscles to loosen. "I'm sorry," he stood a couple of inches from me. "I just, I thought you were leaving us for good and –"

"You're leaving us?" Victoria gasped.

"No, of course not." I reassure her with another kiss to her head.

"Are you coming home?" She pressed further.

"Of course I am." I cupped her face. She smiled.

"Is it true?" Collin's voice broke the smile Victoria and I were sharing. We looked to his distraught face. I turned back to Victoria.

"Victoria, why don't you get inside before you freeze?"

"Will you be in soon?"

"Yes," I smiled as she ran off and through the door. Once it was closed I turned back to Collin, who had come closer to me.

"Can you watch what you say in front of her and try thinking of someone besides yourself?"

"Is it true?" His eyes searched my face. I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Yes, I'm pregnant, but that doesn't mean –"

"No," he shook his head, "you're not leaving us, you're coming back?" His eyes softened.

"Of course I'm coming back." I dropped my arms. "Collin, I love you and Victoria. I just needed to breath, get some space, and figure out how to handle this rift we've created."