Living a Lie (22 page)

“Your father never did like you associating with the Marshes. He thinks you and the girl got too close, and if I’m honest so do I.” She

raised her head defiantly.

“You have to admit, son, it wasn’t very wise. Not when everyone knew they were a troubled family.”

His dark eyes flashed angrily.

“And the things that happened … losing her mother and father in that way … the business … Mildred Dad’s being laid off. You think it was all Kitty’s fault?”

She laughed nervously.

“No! No! Of course I’m not saying that.”

“You’re saying I ought to have seen it all coming… that I should have deserted Kitty when she needed me?”

“I’m not saying any such thing, only…” she hesitated, uncomfortable beneath that fierce gaze.

“Well, you did rather get caught up in it all, didn’t you?”

“So, you’re saying it was wrong to befriend Kitty? You’re saying I should have turned my back on her? You and Father have decided that I made a wrong decision because I didn’t know my own mind.”

Pushing his plate away, he stood up.

“And if I didn’t know my own mind then, I can’t possibly know what I’m doing now, is that it?”

“I’m not sure what your father believes. But, to be honest, son, you are making a rash decision. One that could affect your whole future.”

“So! When it comes down to it, you’re as bad as each other.” Raising his eyes to the ceiling, he gave a deep sigh.

“I really thought you would understand. I’m not a kid any more. I’ve changed. My priorities have changed, can’t you see that?”

“You’re growing away from me. I never wanted that.”

“I don’t want that either, but it’s you who’s driving a wedge between us. You and him.”

“Finish your breakfast.”

“I’ve lost my appetite.”

“Your father’s waiting.”

Squaring his shoulders, Harry strode across the room.

“I’d best get it over with then, while I’m in the right mood.”

Ron Jenkins had grown bitter, and it showed in his face. Hard of feature and lined beyond his years, he rarely smiled.

“Took your time, didn’t you?” Pointing to a chair he demanded, “Sit down. I don’t want a stiff neck staring up at you.”

“Then don’t stare up at me.” Choosing to ignore his father’s invitation, Harry remained standing.

And don’t you be so bloody cheeky, or I’ll take my belt to you! “

“It’s a bit late for that, Father.” Taking a deep breath, he said, “You wanted to talk to me?”

His father didn’t look up. Instead he kept his gaze averted.

“I want you to change your mind about going to business college. I want you to ring the university and tell them you’ve decided to accept the place you were offered there.”

“I’ve already accepted the business course.”

“lum it down then!”

“I won’t do that, Father.” Harry’s resolve was evident.

“Damn and bugger it!” Springing out of the chair, Ron rounded on his son.

“How could you do it? All the teachers you’ve ever had all said the same thing: ” Mr. Jenkins, your son is a brilliant mathematician. he’ll make his fortune in the world of finance. ” Groaning, he stretched out his hands and gripped Harry’s shoulders.

“You could work in the city … buying and selling … making millions. It’s all I’ve dreamed of, son.”

“That’s your dream, Dad. Not mine.” There had been a time when he believed all of that might be glamorous;

when he listened to his father. Somehow, though, he had come to believe there were more important things in life.

“So you’re throwing it all away for a bloody business course?” Ron shook his head in disbelief.

“Oh, I see now!” His eyes glittered.

“It’s her, isn’t it? It’s that bloody Kitty Marsh!”

“Kitty has nothing to do with it. How could she? I haven’t seen her in months.”

“But that’s just it! You can’t get her out of your mind, can you?

She’s gone off to a new life, and you’re throwing yours away because you can’t be part of hers. That’s it! I’m right, aren’t I? “

Harry was shocked. Rage built inside him, exploding into words.

“You’re right when you say I can’t get Kitty out of my mind. And you’re right when you claim I want to be part of her life. But as for my throwing away my own, you couldn’t be further from the truth. I want to make good, and I want to do good wherever I can. But it has to be my choice! You work in the city if you want to. You buy and sell and wheel and deal. You be the millionaire. Just allow me to live my life the way I see fit.”

“It is her! She’s talked you into this. Kitty Marsh places no value on money or property… she proved it by letting that bloody woman rob her blind. It is her that’s changed your mind, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?”

Ron raised his fist as though to strike.

Harry stood his ground.

“Hit me if it’ll make you feel better,” he said coldly. Slowly his father lowered his fist, and Harry went on, “I think we’d best clear the air about a few things before I leave. Firstly, Kitty has nothing whatsoever to do with my decision. I won’t deny she has no craving for material things, and I’ll admit it’s only my gut instinct, but Mildred has a lot to answer for… she’s robbed Kitty blind, and the rumours are enough for me. But Kitty would never stoop to Mildred’s level.”

Eyeball to eyeball with his father, he suddenly realised he was not intimidated by him. It was a good feeling.

“Unlike you. Dad, Kitty is not vindictive. I trust her judgment better than I trust yours.” This was no time for holding back. It was a time for honesty.

“Mildred will never be happy with what she’s done. One day, she’ll realise the depths to which she sank, and she’ll suffer for it… she’ll punish herself far more than Kitty or the courts could ever do. Kitty knows that, and now so do I.”

He paused, letting the words sink in.

“Money isn’t everything, Dad.

What counts in the end is what you do with your life. And, yes, there’s nothing more I’d like than to share my life with Kitty, I know we’re still far too young and I know only too well she’s turned her back on me. In spite of that, I still haven’t given up on us. I can wait if I have to. Time is on my side. “

Harry’s passionate outpouring had silenced his father who looked at him now through envious eyes.

“You’ve got guts, I’ll say that.”

Harry’s manner softened.

“So you understand what I’m saying?”

“I don’t want to understand.” Ron felt like an old, old man.

“Are you still set on defying me?”

“If that’s how you’re determined to see it.”

“Then I can’t give you my blessing.”

In little more than a whisper, Harry said, “I’m sorry if I’ve let you down, Dad. But I wouldn’t be happy doing what you want. I’ll be leaving first thing in the morning. I’d go with a happier heart if you could see me off.”

The other man’s face was set hard. He was unrelenting.

“I’ve said my piece. We can’t agree, so you’d best be off.” With that he crossed the room, opened the door and waited for Harry to leave. Afterwards he slammed the door shut and slumped in the chair, to think about what his son had said.

“It’s that Marsh girl,” he murmured.

“She’s come between us, just like I always said she would.”

The following morning Harry rose early. He ate heartily at the breakfast table, and told his mother, “I’ll miss you.”

For the last few minutes Linda Jenkins had been quietly watching her son, thinking what a handsome young man he was; with those dark sincere eyes and strong splendid figure, he would draw any woman’s attention. She couldn’t help but feel he had wasted too much of his youth on Kitty Marsh.

Since the two of them were small they had spent so much time together, there was little left for other friendships. Secretly she hoped he would meet a girl at college, a girl unhindered by problems, a girl with a normal family who might welcome Harry into their hearts and look on him as their own son. Now of course she held the same opinion as her husband where Kitty was concerned. What she wanted for her only son was a stable relationship, one where he would never be called on to make too many sacrifices; a marriage where the children would have two sets of grandparents, and the strength of family unity all around. He could never have that with Kitty. She was alone, an orphan, a burden who could only place a greater burden on any man she married. Linda prayed that man would not be her son. Yet, in her heart, she knew how much Harry loved Kitty. She had long realised the passion and fierce loyalty between those two, but she had believed it would pass, that it was just a childish thing.

But it had not passed. Over the years it had only grown stronger. The ties between those two young people were still there. Deep, binding ties, a wonderful sense of belonging that made her envious, made her realise what she had missed. A great surge of guilt overwhelmed her when she found herself wishing Kitty Marsh had never been born.

At the sound of Harry’s voice she looked up, mentally shaking herself and putting on a bright smile.

“It isn’t me you will miss,” she gently chided, ‘it’s my cooked breakfast. “

He grinned.

“It’s you I’ll miss,” he assured her.

“I know you feel the same way Dad does about Kitty, but you never ram it down my throat the way he does. You give me space to breathe, and I’m grateful for that.”

“I still hope you can forget her and get on with your own life.” She disguised the emotion in her voice by giving a little cough.

“I’m your mother. It’s only natural I want the very best for you.” She went on softly, “Life is cruel, son. Make one single mistake and you’ll spend the rest of your days paying for it.”

“What mistake? Are we talking about Kitty?” His dark eyes glittered angrily.

“Because if we are, you might as well know1 mean to marry Kitty when she’s old enough… if she’ll have me.”

His dark striking looks carried her back over the years, tearing at her heart and filling her with shame. She tried to shut out the memories but they persisted, bringing other images of another young man: the landlord of the first house she and Ron had rented when they were first married. He too was tall and dark, with rich wayward hair and smiling eyes that set your heart racing; he had a warm strong nature she had never known in anyone else since . except in her son, Harry.

She wondered, as she had wondered many times since, about the one occasion when that young landlord had taken her into his arms and right there on the sitting-room floor made love to her. It had been one brief, exciting episode in an otherwise uneventful marriage.

Sometimes she wondered if her husband guessed that Harry was not his son. Maybe that was why he was so unloving. But how could he know? If he suspected he would surely have confronted her before now? With every day that passed her secret grew harder to live with. It was one that must never be told, least of all to Harry. She would have to live with it until the day they laid her to rest. In Harry she saw his real father, and wanted the world for him. In Kitty Marsh she saw her own punishment.

The time came for him to leave. Linda had packed a flask and sandwiches for the long train journey to Lancaster.

“It’ll save you a small fortune,” she told Harry, ramming them in his rucksack.

“You’ll need every penny you can get. Stretching your grant won’t be easy, and with your dad not earning like he used to, we won’t be able to help.”

Harry hugged her.

“You’ve done enough for me.” If only his parents could accept his love for Kitty, he would feel so much better. He glanced round anxiously. There was still no sign of his father.

“Dad isn’t coming to see me off, is he?”

Linda shook her head.

“I’m not sure what he’s more angry about… opting out of university, or still wanting Kitty.” He frowned, “I thought Sarah was coming home last night?”

“You know her. Here one minute, gone the next. She might as well move in permanently with that new friend of hers!”

He hardly ever saw her these days.

“Sarah has more freedom than I ever did.”

Linda chose not to answer.

“You’d best get off, son, or you’ll miss that train.”

Right up to the moment of departure, Harry looked for his father.

There was no sign of him. Low-spirited, he strapped his rucksack to his back and began his way down the path.

“Ring me when you get there, son,” Linda called. He promised he would. She watched him out of sight and remained on the step, thinking. She was alone now. Alone with a man she no longer loved. It was a sobering prospect.

From behind the net curtains, Ron saw Harry leave. Then he sat in his chair and took out a packet of cigarettes. Lighting one up, he lapsed into deep thought. After a while he took a long drag on the cigarette, let the smoke trickle out through his half-open lips and muttered bitterly, “I’m sorry you couldn’t see things my way. Harry.

But then why should you? After all, you’re not my son. “

The tears trickled down his face as he realised what a coward he’d been all these years. From the first minute Linda uncovered the face of her newly born son, he’d known the baby did not belong to him. The infant’s hair was too dark, his limbs were too long, and later, when those black eyes smiled up at him, his suspicions were confirmed. But it was already too late. In those early days his love for Linda overrode everything else. Besides, even before he could crawl. Harry had wormed his way into Ron’s heart.

“But you’ve left us now, Harry boy,” he said, walking to the window and looking out.

“Your sister will be next, I suppose.” Sarah had grown distant, and selfish too. In truth she had never been much of a daughter. He sighed from deep within.

“Where do we go from here … me and your cheating mother?”

There was no anger in him, no revenge or guilt. There was just a feeling of immense relief, and a crippling sense of uselessness.

It was chilly on the platform. Beyond the enclosed station the sun shone brightly and the day promised to be glorious. But here, where Harry stood, the air was cold, mischievously gusting through the tunnel and lingering where the sun could not penetrate. He toyed with the idea of putting on his sweater; he even got it out of the rucksack, but then he reasoned it was only a few minutes before the train arrived. It would probably be packed and hot, with hardly a window opened, and he would only have to take the sweater off again.