Living a Lie (18 page)

“Ungrateful!” they said.

And Miss Davis equally smartly showed them the doc ^ The second couple had no children. Rousing Kitty fro gl her bed between the hours of four and six every mornin g they knelt in her room, wailing and moaning, renouncil ^ the devil and all his evils. The same ritual was enacted ;

ai ^ day Sunday and most evenings to midnight. Exhaust
and disillusioned, Kitty was returned to the home at h p( own request.

^ “You said there were two things you had to tell me ] She was holding her breath. Could anything be worse thi ^ being fostered out again? o, ” It’s to do with me, Kitty. ” As though recharging her se Miss Davis drew in a great gulp of air. It came out in ^ rush with the words, ” I’ve decided to retire. “

^ Kitty could hardly believe her ears.

“But you’re not o ^ enough!”

First Georgie gone, now Miss Davis. It didi bear thinking about.

g] Miss Davis laughed out loud.

“Bless you for that, dea p she said.

“And you are right of course. I might not lot ready for the knacker’s yard, but I certainly feel it. I’ four years away from retirement age, but I’m worn o and that’s the plain truth.” Worn out from years of won g, ing about others, worn out from years of fighting authori ^ on her children’s behalf, worn out by the increasil burden of administration, the long trying days and slee g less nights.

“I still don’t know what I’ll do with myself,” she adm ted, ‘but I need to re-evaluate my life. This last long ill ne told me that. ” It told her she was growing older. It to ^ her she had no real quality of life, and that time was ru Y ning out.

“It took a lot of heart-searching before I final tt decided,” she confessed in a quiet voice.

“Now that I have, I won’t change my mind.”

“It won’t be the same without you.” Kitty couldn’t get to grips with it.

“I’ll miss you.”

The words were inadequate. She would miss her more than she could ever say. This big kind soul had been father, mother and friend to her. She had been there from the very start, and each time the fostering had gone wrong. She was there when Harry left her life, and there when Georgie went. In Kitty’s ever-changing world, Miss Davis was the one constant figure, and she had come to love her.

“I don’t want you to go,” she murmured, and even as the words left her lips she regretted them. How could she begrudge this woman her rest? How could she make her feel guilty.

“No, I don’t mean that,” she quickly added, and the words caught in her throat.

Miss Davis understood.

“Of course you mean it. Kitty,” she said softly.

“I don’t mind. I understand how you feel. That’s why I wanted you to be the first to know. I owe you that much.”

“Will you ever come back here?”

A sad shake of the head.

“No.” One word, but it carried a world of convictions.

“What will you do?”

“For the first few weeks, I mean to put my feet up and take things easy. After that, I mean to go north, to Blackburn where I come from.

I have a few relatives I haven’t seen in a long time. ” Chuckling, she confessed, ” It wouldn’t surprise me if they showed me the door. Oh, I’ve written, we’ve kept in touch, but somehow we’ve never sat face to face in all these years. “

And Miss Davis equally smartly showed them the door. ^ The second couple had no children. Rousing Kitty from gl her bed between the hours of four and six every morning, g they knelt in her room, wailing and moaning, renouncing ^ the devil and all his evils. The same ritual was enacted all ^ day Sunday and most evenings to midnight. Exhausted ai and disillusioned, Kitty was returned to the home at her ^ own request.

^ “You said there were two things you had to tell me?” ] She was holding her breath. Could anything be worse than ^ being fostered out again? 0- “It’s to do with me, Kitty.” As though recharging herself, Miss Davis drew in a great gulp of air. It came out in a j rush with the words, “I’ve decided to retire.” l Kitty could hardly believe her ears.

“But you’re not old i, enough!” First Georgie gone, now Miss Davis. It didn’t bear thinking about.

g] Miss Davis laughed out loud.

“Bless you for that, dear,” q she said.

“And you are right of course. I might not look y ready for the knacker’s yard, but I certainly feel it. I’m four years away from retirement age, but I’m worn out and that’s the plain truth.” Worn out from years of worry-g, ing about others, worn out from years of fighting authority q on her children’s behalf, worn out by the increasing burden of administration, the long trying days and sleep-g less nights.

q “I still don’t know what I’ll do with myself,” she admitted, ‘but I need to re-evaluate my life. This last long illness told me that. ” It told her she was growing older. It told ^ her she had no real quality of life, and that time was running out.

“It took a lot of heart-searching before I finally

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decided,” she confessed in a quiet voice.

“Now that I have, I won’t change my mind.”

“It won’t be the same without you.” Kitty couldn’t get to grips with it.

“I’ll miss you.”

The words were inadequate. She would miss her more than she could ever say. This big kind soul had been father, mother and friend to her. She had been there from the very start, and each time the fostering had gone wrong. She was there when Harry left her life, and there when Georgie went. In Kitty’s ever-changing world, Miss Davis was the one constant figure, and she had come to love her.

“I don’t want you to go,” she murmured, and even as the words left her lips she regretted them. How could she begrudge this woman her rest? How could she make her feel guilty.

“No, I don’t mean that,” she quickly added, and the words caught in her throat.

Miss Davis understood.

“Of course you mean it, Kitty,” she said softly.

“I don’t mind. I understand how you feel. That’s why I wanted you to be the first to know. I owe you that much.”

“Will you ever come back here?”

A sad shake of the head.

“No.” One word, but it carried a world of convictions.

“What will you do?”

“For the first few weeks, I mean to put my feet up and take things easy. After that, I mean to go north, to Blackburn where I come from.

I have a few relatives I haven’t seen in a long time. ” Chuckling, she confessed, ” It wouldn’t surprise me if they showed me the door. Oh, I’ve written, we’ve kept in touch, but somehow we’ve never sat face to face in all these years. “

She sighed, momentarily closing her eyes and seeing it all in her mind: the Palais near Accrington where she used to dance as a teenager, and the wonderful old buildings round King George’s Hall where she and a sweetheart met every Friday night. He didn’t last long though, not after he tried to get her knickers off in the back seat of the Odeon.

Opening her eyes, she sighed with pleasure.

“Oh, Kitty, it will be good to see the old town again.” A flicker of disappointment crossed her face, “But it’s all changed now, I understand. Once upon a time everybody knew everybody down our street… children played on the cobbles and women chatted while they white-stoned their front steps.

The houses are posher now, with bay windows and net curtains, and everyone has inside lavatories. ” She laughed out loud.

“By! I remember the times when we had to queue up at the bottom of the yard, waiting for our turn to use the loo.” Even that was a precious memory.

“My old aunt tells me they’ve pulled down acres of the old terraced housing and built a new shopping arcade since I was last there. St. Peter’s church is still the same though, and the cathedral… and Corporation Park with its lake and acres of magnificent gardens.” There was happiness in her face as she went on, “One beautiful summer’s day, Kitty, when my wanderings are over, I shall sit on the bench at the top of the park, and look over the whole of Blackburn, and all around me will be the smell of blossom and the sound of children playing.”

Her eyes lit up at the thought.

“Oh! It’s a lovely place, Kitty.”

“It sounds wonderful.” Kitty had visions of church spires and people who sat outside on sunny afternoons, and a lake filled with white birds and surrounded by swaying willows.

“I’d like to see Blackburn one day.” She was thinking of a house of her own, and a husband, and children. She was thinking of Harry. And her heart was sore.

Miss Davis was thinking too; about wasted time and the few years she might have left.

“Some time ago my mother left me a nice little nest egg,” she explained.

“I’ve been too busy to spend it, but I mean to spend it now.” Her eyes lit up.

“I’ve always wanted to travel… to visit far-off places I’ve only ever seen on the Alan Whicker programmes.” Suddenly her mind was made up.

“Yes! That’s what I’ll do, Kitty… travel to the corners of the earth where I’ve never been.”

“Will I ever see you again?” Lately she could hardly recall her mother’s face. Kitty didn’t want her parting with Miss Davis to be so final.

“Well, I won’t be leaving for a month. After that, we’ll see.” She wondered if it would be harder to keep in touch with her past than to turn her back on it and start a new life without hindrance. But, no.

Kitty would never be a hindrance.

“We’ll talk about it later, dear.”

Rising from the chair was her sign that the little chat was over.

There was one thing though.

“I’m sorry your request to visit Georgie was turned down, but I hope you understand why?”

Kitty had been bitterly disappointed by that decision.

“No, I don’t,” she answered honestly.

“I can’t see how it would be harmful for me to visit her. It wasn’t harmful to me when we were living here, under the same roof.”

Miss Davis tried to see it from Kitty’s point of view, but still had to admit, “Georgie has always been a law unto herself. You’re right of course … she did not influence you in a bad way, but, perhaps that was because you were strong enough to resist.” She smiled at Kitty then.

“In fact, to a certain extent I believe it was you who influenced her, and for the better.”

“Well then?”

She shook her head slowly from side to side, a look of determination on her face.

“No, Kitty. You can’t visit her at the borstal. The decision was made above my head and, to be honest, I’m fully in agreement. First, Aylesbury is too far, and second, and most importantly as far as I’m concerned, you should never set foot inside a borstal… not even to visit.”

Kitty was so looking forward to seeing Georgie again.

“Why can’t she be on her best behaviour?” she groaned.

“You know she’s had her sentence extended again. If she keeps on like that, she’ll never get out!”

“I’m afraid she’s her own worst enemy.” Miss Davis had actually attended court when Georgie was brought to answer charges for fighting in the laundry room at the borstal. It wasn’t the first time and, unless Georgie saw the error of her ways, it wouldn’t be the last.

“This is something she has to deal with in her own way,” she advised Kitty.

“She’s fortunate to have a loyal friend in you.”

“I can’t seem to help her though, can I?”

“Don’t think like that. Kitty. You are the most stable influence in her life. You’ve helped her more than you realise. If it hadn’t been for you … your letters and loyalty, I honestly believe she would have gone from bad to worse. In a place like that you need a friend to believe in you.”

All that evening Kitty busied herself. She made entries in 164

her diary, all about the conversation between herself and Miss Davis.

She flattened Mildred’s letter inside the pages, and returned the diary to the back of her bedside cupboard. After that she went downstairs and chatted to some of the girls; one in particular by the name of Margaret, a young girl who was here because of a court order and her parents’ constant neglect of her.

“I miss my mum,” she told Kitty.

“So do I,” Kitty told her gently, ‘but it won’t be long before you’re home again. ” In a way she envied the girl because there would come a day when she would be with her mother again. It gave her cause for thought, and what she thought was this. Too much had happened for her to go back. It was the future she must think of now, not the past.

Her own thoughts came as a shock to her. She had travelled a long painful road before realising her parents were gone for good; that Mildred had much to be ashamed of; that Harry would never leave her, not while her heart beat warmly and her dreams were filled with memories of him.

“Come and sit beside me,” she told the girl. And while she told her a story of princes and thieves. Kitty was put in mind of herself as a five year old when her own mother used to tell her the very same stories.

While she told the tales her eyes filled with tears. She didn’t realise the child had fallen asleep beside her until the little body slumped sideways and would have fallen off the chair if Kitty hadn’t caught her. Gently, she took the tired bundle upstairs where she undressed her and tucked her in her bed.

“Goodnight, sleep tight,” she said, planting a soft kiss on the sleeping face.

“It won’t hurt you to go to bed without being washed… just this once.”

Dorothy Picton agreed.

“Let her sleep,” she said.

“The poor little mite’s been fretting ever since she arrived.” Thanking Kitty for her help, she sat by the child’s bed for a while, leaving Kitty to return downstairs.

It was ten o’clock when the film finished.

“Goodnight,” Kitty called out. There was a chorus of “Goodnight’ in return, as she went up the stairs two at a time. Tomorrow was Saturday and she was to see Mildred. The thought spurred her on.

She got into her nightgown and, after a quick wash, cleaned her teeth and climbed into her bed. Sleep didn’t come easy. Kitty was too full of excitement. She thought of tomorrow, of Mildred, and Georgie, and Harry. “Harry.” His name was on her lips as always, and she felt so close to him it was as though she could reach out and he would be there.

“If you want him, he will be there,” she whispered in the darkness. She did want him, more than anything else in the world, but she would never let him know that. The reasons she sent him away still held good . their ages . his future. She had nothing to offer him, and so she would go on pretending. For Harry’s sake.