Living With Regret (26 page)

For a long while, I stand back and simply stare at his still figure in the distance. The whole time I’ve been out here, his eyes have been fixed on the high flames of the fire. His lack of movement says a lot about his emotions. He’s broken up, so much so that he looks like he doesn’t care anymore. Like he’s been left at a point where staring at a raging fire is the only way to burn away the agony inside him.

Taking slow, hesitant steps in his direction, I get a better glimpse at the scene around him. There’s a small dark tent, a cooler, and the single lawn chair he occupies.

As I approach, my stomach flutters. With every step, my boots make a crumpling sound in the long grass. It’s so quiet out here, I’d hear a whisper from feet away. He has to hear me coming, even with the gray stocking hat covering his ears. What if he doesn’t want me out here? What if I burned the last bit of trust he had in me?

“Sam,” I say softly, afraid that if I speak too loudly, he’ll reply back in the same way.

For the briefest of moments, he looks up at me with no emotion written on his face, but just as quickly as he looked, he looks away.

“If you don’t want me out here, just say it. Please.” I can’t hide anything anymore. The veil that covered my face is gone. My emotions don’t show only on my sleeve; they’re written all over my stupid designer sweater. My lip quivers. My voice shakes. I need him so freaking bad, and all I can do is silently pray that he hasn’t given up on me.

His full face comes into my view again, but he doesn’t say a single word. His mouth opens, but as his eyes take in the distraught expression I wear, he closes it. He’s fighting a battle—one that’s probably similar to the one raging between my heart and my head.

“I only have one chair,” he finally says, looking down at the beer bottle in his fingers.

“If you’ll listen to me, I can stand.”

He shakes his head. “You’ve always been stubborn.”

I quietly wait for him to say something else, to let me know that being here is okay. He’s still struggling, but I can feel the power shifting to my side.
Please let it stay there.

I watch him take a long swig of his beer, moving it around in his mouth a couple times before swallowing. “Talk. I’m listening.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t answer your calls.”

He takes another long swig before locking his eyes with mine. “I was worried about you.”

“I should have texted you, but I didn’t know what to say.”

“All I wanted to know was that you were okay. I’m not asking for the world here, Rachel.”

Anger boils inside my chest. I wanted to disappear for one day. One freaking day to work through my guilt and resentment, and this is where it got me. The worst part is I feel like no one ever understands. Sam might be the closest to getting it, but even he doesn’t get it all the time. It puts me in a different world—a lonely world. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.

“I’m okay,” I whisper, turning toward my house. I take long, confident steps, and no matter how much I want to look back, I don’t. I’m not a strong enough person right now.

Most decisions we make in life have consequences, but the result of this may be more than I’m willing to accept. Strength comes from the ability to face those things.

“Rachel!”

Feeling my stubbornness surface, I keep walking. I don’t want to lose this one, not in his eyes anyway. I know I’ve already lost.

“Rachel, stop!”

His voice is closer … it reels me in. His presence is my weakness. I stop, turning my head in his direction. His tall form hovers over me, placing me in his shadow.

“It’s been a long day. If you can’t forgive me for wanting some space, then maybe this isn’t going to work.” My heart beats quickly as I try to get a read on his eyes under the moonlight.

His fingertips rest beneath my chin. It’s a touch so light, but it holds me in place like a chain. “I want you to talk to me. If what we have really means something to you, I need you to let me in so I can help you.”

Talking about Cory with Sam doesn’t seem normal. But I want Sam more than I want something resembling normal.

“I needed time to think about what happened last night. It wasn’t something anyone would ever want to remember, Sam. It hurt so fucking much to know what happened in those last minutes.”

He shifts to one side, stroking his fingers lightly against my jawline. “Come sit with me.”

I nod against his touch and let his cool hand envelop mine. He leads us back to the fire. It can’t be more than fifty degrees out here tonight, and the hot air that comes from it is welcome against my skin.

He sits down in the lone chair and pulls me onto his lap. “That’s better,” he says, nuzzling his nose in my hair.

“We’ve never had a fire out here before.”

“I was hoping my first fire out here would be with you, but I gave in a couple years back.”

I lay my head back on his shoulder, feeling his warm breath against my neck. “This is the most relaxing place on Earth. It’s better than the lake.”

“That’s because the rest of the world hasn’t discovered it yet.”

“And hopefully they never will.”

His hands come down to rest on the top of my thighs. “Talk to me.”

“Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“I always want to hear what you have to say,” he says, kissing the skin below my ear.

I close my eyes and inhale. The cool wind is starting to pick up. I feel it against my cheeks. “When we went around that curve last night, I remembered part of the car ride with Cory from the night of the accident. We were arguing about something, and I said some things … things that I wish I could take back. Things that should never be the last thing to play in a person’s mind before they die.”

His arms tighten around my body. “Do you remember what you were fighting about?”

“No,” I answer, fixing my eyes on the bright orange flames. His arms relax. “But I told him I wished he’d never existed. Those were my last words to him before he died, Sam.”

“I’m sure you both said things you wish you could take back.”

Tears well in my eyes. “But I’m the only one who can even think about that. He’s not here because of a stupid argument, and I can’t remember what it was even about.”

His lips brush against my earlobe. “Do you remember what caused the accident?”

“Yeah,” I cry, leaning closer to him.

“That’s one thing the police never figured out … how your car came off the road.”

“We were fighting, and his hand came up to cover mine on the steering wheel. I tried to pull mine away, and his came down hard on the wheel and the car swerved. It happened too fast, and I couldn’t react, not in the right way.”

“It’s not your fault, baby. It’s not his fault. It was just a night of bad circumstance.” His fingers slide up, clasping on my stomach.

“People would hate me if they knew what I said to him.”

“No one has to know.”

“Do you think I should tell my dad how the accident happened?” I ask.

He kisses my cheek. Cool lips. Cold skin. “It’s not going to change anything. You did nothing wrong.”

“Do you think I’ll ever remember everything that happened that night?” I ask.

“Do you want to?”

“I think I have to in order for the rest of it to make sense. Right now, it’s just a bunch of scattered pieces with no glue.”

The air around us is quiet again. All I can do is stare ahead and try to forget everything. I want a reprieve from the trouble that stirs inside me.

Sam didn’t run in the other direction. He didn’t judge. I think the mind magnifies things, making them seem much worse. Being with Sam in our favorite place makes everything okay, even if it’s really not.

“Hey, Sam, why didn’t you stop when you saw me in town earlier?” I finally ask.

“I wanted you to come to me when you were ready,” he replies, kissing the side of my head.

“But you called—”

“I know,” he interrupts. “On my way home, I got to thinking, or maybe hoping, that you’d come to town to look for me.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, leaning my head back on his shoulder. I feel like all I do is let people down these days. It’s a big change for a girl who spent most of her life trying to make everyone happy. “Do you remember when we were at the diner, and you asked me the three things I was most scared of?”

“Yes,” he whispers.

“I never told you the last one.” I pause, inhaling a deep breath. “The thought of losing someone I care about again scares me to death. I care about you, Sam. Don’t let me push you away. I can’t lose you too.”

He brushes my hair behind my shoulder, nuzzling his nose in the side of my neck. “I’m not going anywhere.”

We both remain silent as he holds me close, his face nestled in the crook of my neck. All I can do is close my eyes and take everything in. Sam. The smell of wood burning. Crickets chirping. Moments like these are why people risk heartbreak … falling in love is worth it.

“Stay with me tonight,” he finally says, gripping me a little tighter.

“I don’t—”

“Please. You said you wanted to go camping. Here’s your chance.”

I’d almost forgotten about the night I told him I wanted to go camping; a lot has happened since then. And honestly, I want to be out here with him, because if I go back inside, all those unwanted feelings are going to rise back to the surface. How can I say no to him?

I’m tired of not touching him, of not seeing his eyes. “How steady is this chair?”

“It’s holding us, isn’t it?”

If this chair can hold us both with my back against his chest, it can hold us with me facing him. Wrapping my fingers around his, I lift his hands from my body and scoot off his lap. I feel his arms reaching for me, but I’m too quick.

His hooded eyes study my face. “Please stay with me.” His voice is low, sexy, and demanding with a small serving of whine. It’s the only push I need.

“Okay,” I reply, carefully straddling his lap. My hands wrap around the back of his neck, bringing our bodies together like glue. The fire burns in the center of his eyes, but I feel it most in his hands—the way they grip my ass like their one and only job is to protect it. Our chests touch, two hearts dancing a beat against each other.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” he asks. His fingers move up my back, tangling in my hair.

“Since when do you ask?”

“Since I don’t know if this is the right time.”

I move in, my lips a hair above his. “It’s the best time. Kissing is the best medicine.”

“Yeah,” he says, wrapping his hands around the back of my head. “How many doses is it going to take?”

“Why don’t you start over here,” I whisper, touching my finger to the left corner of my mouth. “And I’ll tell you when it feels better.”

He smiles. “Anything you want, you got it.”

My skin is still warm from the fire, but when his lips touch to mine, they’re a cool contrast. It elevates everything as he travels from one corner to the other, leaving a trail of electric tingles in his wake. When his lips fully press to mine, the world stops spinning. My heart melts. Not even Cory could make everything better like this. This is Sam’s own form of magic. His lips like his magic wand. My heart’s rapid beat his trick.

When he pulls away, I hate it. I hate the loss of him. “Should we go inside for the night? It might be more comfortable than this chair.”

“I don’t know. I was actually feeling pretty good.”

He smiles, running the backs of his fingers along my cheek. “What if I promise I can make you feel even better?”

That’s a promise I’m going to let him keep. Sam’s the rainbow at the end of the storm. I see the bright, changing colors clearly now.

As I slide off him, I can barely feel my legs.

“Here,” he says, rising to his feet. With one quick motion, I’m in his arms being carried to the tent. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

“I could get used to it.”

He leans in to kiss my cheek. “I’ll allow that.”

He sets me back on the ground and kneels down to unzip the small door. This is going to be a first for me—sleeping in a tent—but the simplicity and solitude of it excites me.

“Have you slept out here before?” I ask.

“Sometimes, when I just need to escape everything, I do.” He holds the door open and motions for me to enter while he holds the canvas material back.

“You have your own apartment,” I say as I duck inside.

“That’s part of my life. If I’m there, I can’t escape everything like I can here.”

When we’re both inside, he zips it back up and crouches down at the end of the air mattress. The space is much larger on the inside than it looks on the outside. The mattress is the size of a double bed and takes up most of the room. There’s also a lantern that leaves a soft glow.

“I have an extra pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt if you want them.”

“Are you trying to get a free show, Shea?” I joke, feeling my cheeks turn red from the innuendo.

“No,” he says, reaching into his duffle bag. “The first time I try that, or anything more, is going to be in my bed.”

“Oh,” escapes my lips as I haphazardly catch the clothes he tosses to me. “What’s wrong with this bed?”

I don’t know where the question came from. It’s not what I came out here for … it’s not something I even feel ready for.

“Because I’ve been saving my bed for a special girl. A certain girl. I didn’t wait all this time to take her on an air mattress.”

My mouth hangs wide open. He’s always so freaking candid. He laughs, crawling over to kiss me. “I’m going to go put the fire out. Change your clothes, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

As he heads out of the tent, I can’t take my eyes off his perfect ass and the way his jeans fit against it. I’ve never known him to be the type to hit the gym every day, but all the work he does in the shop looks like it’s paying off.

When he’s out of sight, I quickly take off my clothes and pull on the warm, soft sweats he’d handed me. They have that worn feel, the cotton hitting against me like a second skin. The best part is they smell exactly like him, clean yet sexy.

While I wait, I lie on top of the air mattress and stare up through the mesh ceiling. It gives a perfect view to the stars above; it’s better than any five-star hotel I’ve stayed at with my parents.