Living With Regret (28 page)

I swallow, wanting so badly to wrap him in my arms and tell him I’m not leaving him for anything. “I now believe things happen for a reason. If you’d asked me years ago to be with you like this, I don’t think we’d still be together. I made a lot of mistakes, but I learned from them. You’re getting a better version of me.”

“I liked the old version of you, and I like the new. That’s how I know this is something special I never want to be without. I’ve loved you for so fucking long, Rachel.” He tenderly presses his lips to mine, still holding my face in his hands. His teeth gently tug at my lower lip before releasing me. “Do you feel that when I kiss you?”

“What?” I whisper, staring down at his lips.

“It means something.” He takes my hand in his, placing it over his heart. “When I kiss you, it’s coming from here. I take my time because I plan on doing it with only you for the rest of my life; I’m not scared of losing you again.”

“Sam, you promised slow.”

“And I’m giving you slow,” he says, cupping my chin in his hand. His mouth traces the line of my jaw, down my neck, to the sensitive spot below my ear. It feels amazing, sending a warm tingle down my spine.

There’s this little voice in my head that says we’re taking things too fast, but my body is screaming a whole different story. I’m inclined to listen to that voice.

Before I even realize what he’s doing, I’m being hoisted into his arms and carried to his bed. Warning bells should be sounding, but they don’t. I want this. I want to feel what he does to me without all these clothes between us.

He sets me down on my feet, the back of my knees hitting against the mattress. “I know you want this. I feel it in the way your heart beats against my chest. But if you want to stop, you need to tell me now. It’s not going to be possible to hit pause once I start.”

This isn’t just turning the page; it’s a whole new chapter. With Cory, I waited a whole year before I took this step and, even then, I wasn’t this sure of how I felt about him. For twelve years I’ve been getting to know Sam, his strengths and weaknesses, his thoughts and struggles. For twelve years I’ve loved him … not always in the same way, but I’ve loved him.

I’m in love with this beautiful boy, even if I’m too afraid to tell him.

I nod. “I want this just as much as you do.”

His fingers come up, making quick work of the buttons on my white blouse. His eyes hold mine in quiet contemplation. In all seriousness, the way he looks at me is almost enough to make me cry. Some girls wait their whole life for their fairytale to come along, and mine is standing right in front of me.

He slides his hands down my shoulders, taking my shirt right along with them. I stand in front of him in nothing but a nude bra—definitely not what I would have picked if I’d known this was happening tonight. “You’re so damn sexy. I’ve dreamt about this happening over and over, but even then, I didn’t envision you quite like this.”

I snake my fingers underneath his shirt, running them along his toned abs. When it’s not enough, when I want to feel more of his skin on mine, I pull his shirt over his head, fully exposing his strong chest and taut stomach.

His hands cup my neck, his thumbs coming up to caress my jawline. “When I look at you, I see everything my life is meant to be. It’s my turn to show you just how good yours can be.”

His lips slowly descend on mine, his hooded eyes fixed on me. He’s warm and tender, pulling each of my lips between his before fully covering my mouth. I’m not nervous about the intimacy of what’s about to happen—he’s familiar enough to me—but I’m worried about not knowing what he likes or dislikes. My experiences probably don’t match his, but I hope the level of feelings we have for each other is enough to make up for it.

Gaining more confidence from his warm touch, I slide my fingers down to the button of his jeans, fumbling to pull it loose. When I’m successful, I tug on his zipper and push his jeans down his hips. Turns out, he’s a black boxer-briefs man … it’s pretty much what I imagined, knowing as much as I do about him.

“You’re smiling,” he says, lightly brushing his knuckles along my collarbone.

“You make it easy,” I reply, standing on my tippy toes to kiss the cleft of his chin. He holds me there, placing his fingers under my chin to bring my lips up to his. There’s no need to show me how good life can be, I feel it. Deep down in my chest—it resides there.

He undoes my jeans, easing the tight denim down my legs.

His long fingers come back up, expertly dancing against my sides. “Lie down on the bed, baby.”

My chest pulses up and down as I sit back along the edge of the mattress, slowly moving backward against the soft cotton sheets. Sam stands at the foot of the bed drinking in my mostly naked body. We stay just like that for a while. Each of us staring. Each of us feeling. There’s no going back now.

My eyes stay on him as he walks to the nightstand and pulls a small foil packet from the top drawer. Maybe I’m a little nervous. This isn’t my first time but, in a way, it feels like it is.

The side of the bed dips as he crawls toward me. He might as well be moving on air because he’s all I see. “I’m going to kiss every inch of your skin, and then, baby, I’m going to make sure you feel me inside. Especially right here,” he says, kissing the spot on my chest right above where my heart beats.

Reaching up, I tangle my fingers in his hair. “Sam. Please.”

His mouth doesn’t just kiss me there. He makes love to my skin with every touch. He blazes a path down my stomach, inside each thigh … all the way down to the top of my feet. It’s slow, sensual, and has me begging for more by the time he makes his way back up to my lips.

The nerves have dissipated again, and when he sits back on his heels to pull his boxers down, only anticipation fills me. I watch as he rips open the package and carefully rolls on the condom. His whole body is so damn beautiful.

“I’m going to go slow,” he whispers, leaning over my body. As he kisses me, I feel him at my entrance. And when he finally breaks away, his eyes gaze into mine as he enters me. Slowly. Completely. I almost want to cry … it’s never been quite like this.

“Okay?” he asks.

I nod, lifting my head to brush my lips against his. It’s the reassurance he needed. So far, it’s perfect … one of those moments I’ll remember forever. He slowly pulls out until only the tip of him remains inside me, then slides back in, much the way he did the first time. It’s a pattern he repeats with soft kisses spread in between, but as my muscles relax, he thrusts harder, faster. I feel every movement, every emotion, communicated between us.

Just when I get to that point where I think I never want this to end because it feels too damn good, the tension builds in my core. Each time he buries himself all the way inside me, I come closer, the tingles intensifying. Before long, I’m having the strongest, most amazing orgasm I’ve ever had. Toes curling. Back arching. All control is lost. I’m all his, no one can argue otherwise.

“Oh my God, baby. Do you know how fucking amazing that feels?” He groans, and with three quick motions, he follows me to bliss. He buries his head into my neck and moans my name over and over. I didn’t know how sexy my name was until just now, rolling off his lips when he’s most vulnerable.

For what seems like forever, we stay just like that. Two bodies covered in a layer of sweat, shaking from the aftermath of amazing sex.

Sam slowly withdraws from me, holding himself up over my body. “I feel like we were always meant to get here, Rachel. It may have been a long road, but I’m glad we’ve finally made it. You were meant to be mine.”

I run my hands along his strong biceps. “I’m not going anywhere.”

SOMETIMES, AFTER YOU’VE SEEN
all the ugly parts of life, it’s hard to believe beauty still exists. And if you live in the ugly long enough, you become convinced the beauty never really existed. Living in the darkness plays with your mind and drains your soul, and when the light finally starts to shine through again, it takes a little while before the trees become green and the flowers begin to grow. Darkness to light is like winter to spring.

With Sam, I’m blossoming again. He’s exactly what I need, and that feeling is etched in stone as his lips travel down my bare chest. They’re soft against my skin, like a rose petal tracing a path between my breasts.

“Rachel,” he breathes against my skin. “Do you know how good you taste?”

All I can manage is a moan as he continues his journey down, placing feather light kisses around my belly button.

“Your skin tastes just like a strawberry.” His voice purrs with lust, like a man who’s about to get a taste of something he’s craved for years.

My back arches when his warm mouth moves between my legs. I’ve been touched there many times, but not like this. It’s intimate, sexy, and frees me in a way I never thought possible. It feels like it’s just us, drifting on a cloud with no weight under or above us. I wrap his hair between my fingers, pulling just enough to reassure him that what he’s doing is well received. And when his tongue strokes my clit, I feel that cloud climbing higher. My body releases, walls clenching. He sees it through, punctuating it with the brush of his lips.

When his mouth lifts from my skin, I open my eyes and see him looking down at me. Even in the dark room, I see the desire within them. They burn bright through the dull light in the room.

“This time, when I’m making love to you, I want you to look at me. I want you to see what I feel. I want to see what you feel.” His lips come down on mine. He tastes like me as he works expertly, making me yearn for the rest of him. Last night he showed me how good things could be, what I’ve been missing out on by not being with him. My true friend and soul mate.

“Sam,” I moan as he travels the line of my jaw. He continues his exploration down my throat, but instead of using his lips, his tongue draws a line back to my breasts, taking a little time to lap each nipple. He’s got me on edge, and I’m ready to jump because I know he’ll catch me. He always has.

With one long, slow movement, he enters me and, out of habit, I close my eyes. By doing it, I’ve always thought I’d be able to concentrate on the sensation of skin against skin … that it would make everything better. He proved that wrong last night.

The backs of his fingers caress my cheek. “Look at me.”

I obey, opening my eyes to him. It’s not until then that he starts moving, creating a delicious friction between our joined bodies. Those gorgeous brown eyes only leave me when his lips travel down my neck. He sucks, bites, and nibbles as he continues to thrust his body into mine.

When he’s done tasting, he braces his hands on the bed, looking straight down at me. “Do you feel how good we fit, baby? Your body was made for mine.”

I nod, arching my back to take more of him. There’s no way he can push any deeper, but I still crave it. When you love something, you want all of it.

My breathing accelerates. I’m so close, riding the euphoria that comes right before hitting the ultimate high. I grip his shoulders tightly, letting him know my walls are about to cave.

“Hold on, baby. I want to come with you,” he whispers, running his fingers up my forearms until they’re clasped with mine. His pace quickens, making it harder and harder for me to hold back, and he knows it. It’s as evident as the passion in his eyes.

“Sam, please,” I moan, squeezing his fingers between mine.

He leans in and kisses me, sucking my bottom lip between his. “Let go, but keep your eyes on me.”

With one more thrust, he groans, and my walls clench around him. I struggle to keep my eyes open and on him, and from the way his eyes widen, he’s struggling with it too.

When my muscles stop clenching, he collapses on top of me, his hands still joined with mine. “I could lie here all day just like this.”

“You wouldn’t want a repeat of what we just did?”

“We’d fit a few more sessions in.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says, letting go of my hands to comb his fingers through my hair. “At least a few more times.”

Rolling off my body, he allows me to flip onto my stomach. He seizes the opportunity, painting my upper back with feather-like kisses. I cradle one of his pillows in my arms, inhaling his scent. This is exactly how every morning should be. Not a thought flows through my mind besides how much I think I’ve fallen in love with the guy lying next to me. He’s shown me that there truly is life after death. It’s a different life. I’ve changed, grown up, quite a bit from the girl I used to be.

Sam lets his lips linger on my neck, then whispers against my ear, “I’ll always keep you safe. You know that, don’t you?”

Something about what he says and the way he says it causes my eyes shoot open and my heart to beat rapidly. The voices are back, louder than ever, but this time, it’s not Cory. It’s Sam.

“Hey, why are you running?”

I’m struggling to catch my breath, to see in the darkness. Strong arms wrap around my upper arms, making it impossible to get away. My back is pressed against a large, muscular chest. “Just let me go. I need to get out of here.”

“Look at me, Rachel. I’m right here, and I’ll always keep you safe. You know that, don’t you?”