Living with Shadows (33 page)

‘Do you believe in life after death?’ he asked suddenly looking serious.

‘I believe in something, otherwise there doesn’t seem much point to life,’ she told him.

‘I read somewhere that if you do anything wicked, you come back as a worm or insect to be trampled into the ground. I expect that’s what will happen to me.’

She watched as he emboldened the words ‘MAN UNITED’ on his folder. Belfast had produced his idol, George Best, which is about the only thing he could be grateful to that country for. He suddenly looked so sad she wanted to hug him. Not only was he suffering for what he’d done in this life, his perception of the next was even worse. ‘Perhaps some people believe in things like that but I don’t. Christianity teaches forgiveness as long as you’re sorry for what you did, and I’m sure you are.’

‘I would rather be dead than live with what I did.’

‘Don’t say that; there’s always something worth living for, at least there will be one day when you get out of here.’

The first students walked into the room so she left Michael to his morbid thoughts and started the lesson. She didn’t get chance to speak to him again that morning, but his desperate words stayed with her the whole weekend.

When she heard a car pull up on the drive early that morning, Helen immediately thought of Jim. She knew it unlikely as they had agreed not to see each other on a Sunday, yet it couldn’t possibly be anyone else. The thought strengthened her hopes and she ran to the bedroom window. A silver car stood on the drive, it’s occupant out of sight while the doorbell rang with an eagerness that matched her desire. She quickly dressed and ran downstairs. As soon as she opened the door her legs trembled beneath her and her heart skipped a beat. The familiar face confronting her was one she hoped never to see again.

‘Helen. Sorry to disturb you on a Sunday morning but I could do with a spot of help.’

Helen’s hand tightened on the door handle. ‘We had an agreement, Carl.’

‘Yes, I know we did but . . . well, things didn’t go to plan for me.’

‘Then that’s your problem. You got what you asked for. Now if you don’t mind.’ Helen tried to close the door but Carl already had his foot over the threshold. He barged past almost knocking her over. ‘Nice place you’ve got here; must have cost a bob or two.’

Helen followed him into the kitchen where he opened the fridge. He picked out a bottle of white wine and read the label. ‘Not bad. Fancy a glass?’ She shook her head. With no regard for Helen, Carl began opening cupboards until he found a glass and then yanked open a couple of drawers before locating the bottle opener. Helen kept her eyes pinned on him as he pulled out the cork and poured himself a glass of wine. She noticed how sure of himself he’d become. He was dressed casually in a black leather jacket, blue shirt and light trousers, his short dark hair neatly combed back accentuating his sharp features. He had hardly changed in over twenty years. To anyone else, he could be said to be handsome but to Helen, who knew his dark side only too well, he was grotesque.

‘What do you want, Carl?’

He put the glass to his lips and took a sip. ‘Like I said, I could use some help.’

‘And how can I help you, as if I need ask?’

He gave a sadistic grin as he swirled the wine around in his glass. ‘You always were smart, Helen.’ Carl looked around the kitchen and wandered out towards the conservatory. She followed. Suddenly he turned around to face her. ‘I want a hundred thousand and I’ll get out of your life for good.’

Helen laughed. ‘You are joking! What makes you think I have that kind of money? And even if I had, why would I give it to you? I’ve already said, you got what you asked for.’

‘And I’m saying, I didn’t ask for enough.’ His voice was hard but still the smirk on his face.

‘Get out of here, Carl,’ Helen ordered, though her manner betrayed a sense of nervousness.

Carl put down his glass and stepped towards her. He grabbed her arms and pulled her up to his face. ‘You will get me the money, Helen. I happen to know you’re doing quite well for yourself.’

‘Take your hands off me.’ Helen tried to break free but felt the force of his hand on the side of her face, and again on the other side sending her reeling across the room.

‘You’ve got until next week.’

Helen flinched as he stormed past and out of the door. As soon as he’d gone she ran and locked it before staggering upstairs to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and saw her face was already starting to swell and red bruising had appeared under her eyes. She took a flannel and held it under the cold tap. Her hands shook as she pressed it carefully to her face allowing her tears to run freely into the dripping wet cloth.

5
th
June

here I’am again well like you said that last piece of total rubbish I wrote is a bit over the top I told you I tend to get carried away and get straight to the point especially what I think about you I will not do anymore things like that again I was not seeing how far I could go with you I just did not think what I was doing I realise now what shit you could have got into if the wrong person found that stuff that is why I said in the first place to burn them up or rip them up and chuck it in the bin were it rightly belongs it doe’s not matter what time I spent on it or how well you thought it was written thats it for sure no more I will stop being rude. tasteless. offensive. and causing embaressment I don’t know Im doing it sometimes but thats no excuse you have been a great friend to me you really helped me a lot so I will stick to just being that I did not know it was that far over the top till you mention it to me which I am glad you did I have been going over the top a lot but not deliberately I do tend to write whats on my mind and dont really hold back on anything but as I say its going to stop I will think before I do this again about what Im writing and how its put in future if there is one I must have used all my chances up by now anyhow you looked really happy this morning which was good to see me I was a right miserable little shit only cause I’ve not been doing much education lately and I hate sitting around doing nothing but if you are on theres no chance of that is there Kate I think you enjoy watching us suffer dont you I can just see a big smile on your face right now cause you know this is true every last word of it you know something Im really reeling sitting here doing this I should have never given you that other stuff Im really mad for doing so I know I said its up to you wheather you read it but you are only human and curiousity gets the better of everyone so its obvious you will probably read it to see why I said don’t read I don’t know why you want to know me I wouldn’t be surprised if you aint going to let me give you this I will be surprised if you talk to me again Im a stupid fool I dont know what I was thinking off I dont Ive really done it this time I used to hate the week-ends and could not wait till education started back again but now Im hoping the week-end lasts a long time dont know if I can face you after what you said about that rubbish I give you Im so ashamed of myself I really am Id do anything to make it up to you but I have this strange feeling Im not going to get another chance I really think I’ve blowen it this time I will even come of your class if that is what you want I would even come off education all together if that’s what you want or if that would make you happy Im very sure this will be the last thing I write for you I really think after all that’s gone on you would be better of without me you should just treat me like the rest of the pupils in class what Im saying is I will just talk to you as a teacher and you just treat me like a pupil I think it would be for the best I know this is how you want it even if you don’t say so Im not worth all the hassle think what it was like when you never really knew me you were so much happier I seemed to have made you very miserable and very unhappy to be around me there is no denying it its true I know I seem to have this affect on certain people such as yourself Id hate to lose your friendship but if I make you feel down and unhappy do the right thing tell me to get lost you can do it well enough about this for the time being anyway what was it you were saying this morning maybe it would be an idea if I could write to someone well Kate if you know of any woman who has as much of a one track mind as mine and would like to read about the things you have read about I very much doubt if if you know of such a woman Kate I would like to here from her but there is no woman who could read what I write because you know once I start I don’t stop so Kate do you know any one tracked minded single women or married I did not think so so this thing about writing to someone as there is nobody with a dirty disgusting mind like mine I think it is out of the question so that’s that I don’t believe in miracles well as this maybe the last thing I write depending on what you say next time I see you and wheather you want me to continue writing to you but it will be very tame no rude stuff nothing like before so I will tell you some other stuff about me you dont know what about before I moved to that really horrible place I told you about in Belfast so were do I begin well I must have been about 7 or 8 years old my brother was not around or my sisters I used to think I was an only child I’ve not a clue were they were staying my mum only moved to this place cause some of her sisters lived near by it was only a small place were we lived the kind of place everybody knew everybody and there buisiness there was some strange people about like these two oldish women they did not talk to anyone they looked like witches thats what I thought anyway and they had these two horrible nasty dogs you could not go by there door without them barking and snarling they looked well evil I dont remember much about the other people around the place there was this row of old deserted house’s well that’s what I thought I went in them one day and went up the stairs and looked around nobody could live in this place there were holes in the walls some floors had no floor boards I think I was with some other kids we was messing around then the next minute this old bloke come from out of no where he had an axe in his hand that was it we all run and got out of there so fast I never did go back there again then there was the time on bonfire night somebody come around to the house to see if we would take this dog my mum was not going to take it until these other people mention about having to throw it on the fire if nobody wanted it evil bastards so anyway we took it it turned out to be good and loyal to us there was this time when my brother and sisters suddenly turned up anyway they were playing with matches in the bedroom in the middle of the night and set the blanket alight this dog of ours started barking like mad and jumping up and off my mums bed till she woke up its just as well she did the house would have burnt down we were very lucky we had this dog it saved the day I always look back on it and think well maybe the dog was returning a favour for us giving it a home well thats what I think this was not the only time this dog come good the dog sleept on top of the stairs and well someone broke into the house and the dog started barking again and my mum got up and the intruder left I really loved this dog it was very friendly and a good dog this was the first time I ever had a dog so it was something different I remember one time my mum said to me I had to get rid of it I did not know why at the time I had to take this beloved pet and try and take it somewhere to lose it I can remember this like yesterday you should have seen me I was walking this dog and I had these tears running down my face I was so sad I was crying I took this dog down some back street and took its lead of I kept looking at the dog I think it knew what was going on it would not leave me and I could not leave it no matter what so I took it back home a while later that bitch give the dog to some bloke I found out why I had or should I say why she wanted me to get rid of it cause she was moving house and told me at the time dogs were not alowed at the new place when I got there nearly everyone had a dog I really hated her for a long time I always wondered what ever happened to the dog after that I wondered why she asked me to get rid of this dog I was only 7 or 8 years old I mean you could not tell your daughter to take that dog of yours down to the vets to be put down with there being nothing wrong with it anyway this was a long time ago but I dont forget things like this so what else is there I did not tell you this one before we moved and still at that other place I found this other dog it was only a little black and white puppy I played around with it hoping someone would come for it well as it goes nobody came for it and anyway the dog was very cute I could never resist them sad puppy eyes I used to carry this little dog around every where like a little girl with her doll I wished I never found it the dog only had a short life because of me as you will find out I used to go around to this friends house he had a horrible sister she really hated me for some strange reason anyhow I would go around to his house with the little dog Id be playing around in my pals house and his sister was really evil she would do things to me and hit me to make me cry I was still only 7 or 8 at the time so anyway Id leave the house in tears and I would end up taking my anger out on the little dog I was so cruel to it this happened a few times until one day when I come down stairs in the morning I would go around looking for it then there it was lying under the chair I thought it was just sleeping I tryed to wake it up but it would not move I knew it was dead after a while I knew it was my fault it died I even kissed it on the head and started going on about if you wake up everything will be okay but it never did wake up and I dont blame it so what do you think of me now anyway I’ve moved to that horrible place I was 9 or 10 now and come across newts my mum did not like these so I would bring them back all the time to make her mad I was only into these animals for a short time they become so boring to me until one of my so called friends dad took me and his son rabbit hunting I had a go with the gun I saw this rabbit down the end of the barrel but decided not to shoot it there was another time I went out with him this time fishing it was so boring and we had to get up early in the morning about 6 oclock it was cold and wet I wished I stayed in bed but anyway we found this so called fishing spot I threw my fishing line in the water I watched these little fish swimming around my line we must of stayed there for a good few hours all we caught was a cold never again if your husband ever asks you fishing make an excuse it is boring believe me that stuff I did for you well I thought you did not mind me getting rude like I did when I first started it I only got rude a little bit at a time only because you said nothing about it so I got even more carried away I mean look at it from my point of view here’s me writing to someone I really fancy and had the chance to say so then I started saying what Id like to do with you but Im glad you said something the other day I forgot how carried away I was getting its been a long time since I told someone what I thought of them Im really sorry I forget sometimes not everybody thinks like me I have to remember next time if there is a next time that is not to be so forward in my thinking and not to put everything that I can think of anyhow I hope this finds you in a good mood you must understand I hope you will I never set out when I started writing to you to upset you as I know I have done I ment no offence to you or your hubby I got a little carried away so I’am very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very