Living with Shadows (44 page)

Watched
the
darkness
close
in
and
the
lights
come
on
in
the
apartments
around
me
and
in
the
tall
buildings
out
towards
the
harbour.
Tiny
lights
twinkled
far
away
on
top
of
the
ocean
as
a
small
boat
or
ship
passed
slowly
across
the
black
water.
The
sense
of
tranquillity
spoiled
only
by
a
feeling
of
loneliness
and
a
niggling
thought.
I
hadn’t
heard
from
Jim
all
week.
Perhaps
he’d
resigned
himself
to
the
fact
that
I
wouldn’t
forgive
him
or
maybe
he
was
with
that
woman.
What
do
I
care?

11
th
October

Last
day.
Spent
it
sitting
around
pool
sunbathing.
Glorious
weather.
Shall
be
sorry
to
leave
it
behind.
Jim
texted
me.
Offered
to
pick
me
up
from
the
airport.
Waited
until
evening
before
replying
although
I
already
knew
what
I
was
going
to
say.

The first couple of days after Kate had gone away Jim struggled to come to terms with his shattered life. He was grateful to Kate for not broadcasting his affair to Sharon or Ben and Sam although, realistically, he knew it must only be a matter of time before they found out. It was impossible not to notice when two people were at odds with each other. Another obstacle to any hope of reconciliation was Kate’s contention that it made no difference to her whether he had ended the affair that day or not. In fact, it made things worse. If she had not discovered Helen’s message, she would never have known that anything had been going on.

The more he was rebuffed by Kate, the more he found himself thinking about Helen and wondering what kind of life they could have had together. Before he met Helen, he never imagined that he would ever have cheated on Kate; he believed she was everything to him, but emotions were like nature in their unpredictability. All it takes is a shift in the regular pattern of things to start a chain of cataclysmic events. It was true both he and Kate had been under a lot of pressure but that in itself wasn’t enough to make him risk ruining his marriage. He knew as soon as he saw Helen that she was dangerous to him and it was that initial realisation that had stirred his emotions.

By the third day of Kate’s absence, Jim was like someone trying to break a habit. He found it impossible to concentrate on anything. He was agitated, unable to sleep at night and intolerably lonely. Several times he picked up his phone with the idea of calling Helen. He was starting to convince himself that Kate would never take him back which made him wonder whether he should try and salvage something from the mess. A vague awareness that his fractured senses commanded false reasoning stopped him from contacting Helen and when a letter arrived from her the next day, his relief at having left well alone was beyond measure.

7
th
October

Dearest
Jim,

I
am
still
finding
it
difficult
knowing
you
are
no
longer
in
my
life
and
that
yours
will
most
likely
have
reverted
to
how
it
was
before
we
met.
In
that
case
you
will
have
no
notion
of
how
dejected
that
makes
me
feel.
I
really
believed
you
cared
for
me
but
it
seems
I
was
wrong
otherwise
how
could
you
have
walked
away
so
easily?
You
say
it
is
because
of
your
family
that
you
have
given
me
up
but
I
can’t
believe
that
is
the
real
reason.
I
asked
you
many
times
if
seeing
me
was
putting
pressure
on
your
family
life
and
you
always
reassured
me
that
you
needed
me
as
much,
if
not
more,
than
them.

So
you
see,
Jim,
I
don’t
believe
that
you
have
been
honest
with
me.
Something
happened
to
make
you
change
your
mind
about
us,
something
that
must
have
had
an
even
greater
influence
on
you
than
your
family.
As
I
see
it,
there’s
only
one
thing
it
could
be—my
confession.
Everything
was
fine
until
I
told
you
about
what
happened
that
night.
My
being
honest
with
you
is
the
true
reason
you
have
forsaken
me.
My
love
for
you
gave
me
the
courage
to
share
my
darkest
secret
with
you,
something
I
have
never
told
another
living
soul.
Because
of
that
I
lost
you.
If
nothing
else,
it
has
taught
me
that
I
must
never
again
make
the
same
mistake
in
believing
it
possible
for
anyone
to
understand
the
awful
predicament
I
found
myself
in.
I
fear
there
is
much
truth
in
the
saying,
“When
you
judge
another,
you
do
not
define
them,
you
define
yourself”.

It
might
surprise
you
to
know
that
I
have
not
lived
so
peacefully
as
you
might
imagine
and
have
sought
comfort
from
all
kinds
of
sources
but
ultimately
it
is
up
to
me
how
I
deal
with
what
I
did.
Howard
was
cruel
to
me
when
he
was
alive,
so
why
should
I
care
what
people
thought
of
him
when
he
died?
He
should
never
have
made
me
drive
that
night.