Living with Shadows (41 page)

As the days wore on, Kate became more and more introverted. She ignored the depression that was slowly creeping over her and carried on her daily tasks as best she could. It took a mammoth effort to do the simplest things. Her mind was in a constant jumble and when she shut herself away in her bedroom at night, it was impossible for her to find any peace in her solitude. At first she thought it was only to be expected after being dealt another blow to an already troubled existence. Even her dreams had become grotesque, inhabited with scenes of death and destruction. Thoughts, apocalyptic in stature, came to her as she lay wide awake for hours in a state of constant worry. Even though at times her sense of detachment from reality made her wonder whether she was losing her mind, she would not seek help. She had convinced herself that she was responsible for all the bad that had happened or was yet to happen, that somehow the fault lay in her and she deserved everything she got.

How she managed to hold things together at work, was a wonder to her. It was the familiarity of it all, the smelly, jangling, grey interior with its loud-mouthed inmates, that got her through the day. Nothing ever changed there, especially the tone and content of Michael’s letters.

19
th
Septemebr

believe it or not I hate writing letters I never know what to write about most of the time but with me doing this I can write about anything maybe its because I find its easy to write to you or maybe its because I’ve not done this kind of thing for anyone before . . . well you know me I like it if people say what they want to say you can ask me anything you like don’t be frighten of asking me something no matter how embaressing or what ever it may be go for it Id prefere it if people be truthful with me and ask me what ever it is you want to know you know me by now if there was something I wanted to know about you I just ask Im not shy as you know so no matter what it is you want to know just ask Id tell you anything you want to know you should know this by now so what ever it is thats on your mind tell me and another thing is could you ever imagine me ever chosing to ignoring you I dont think so you know I like you a hell of a lot Ive got all the time in the world for you you know I fancy the knickers of you and I have a lot of respect for you as a good friend and as a human being your everything in a person that I’ve dreamt off one in a million your the women of my dreams so your right theres no way Id ever ignor you Im not that type of person anyhow what else is there oh yeah your right I was not represented very well in court I had a solicitor but he was as much youse to me as a vibrator without batteries is not much youse to you when I told them I was changing my story it did not bother them and I could not mention about my time with my bitch of a landlady I did mention what it was like being on the street but they did not take much notice looking back on it now they were just a wast of time as far as I was concerned but I never knew much about the law then your right I never knew much about life you wanted to know if my mum taught us any discipline well if any of us misbehaved she would send us to our rooms but she did not smack any of us she did try once but never again well your right Im squirming you read them stupid questions they werent the ones I was going to ask you I thought you might have answerd some of the tamer questions never mind these were some of the questions I was going to ask you like what subjects did you hate at school? and what was your best subjects? did you have many boyfriends at school? what was the best chat up line you had from a boy/man and did it work? what was your chat up line? have you ever asked someone out and been turned down? do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? have you ever had any boys-men fight over you? have you ever played strip poker or doctors and nurses? was you ever a tom-boy when you were young? If so you will have to explain what a Tom-boy is I aint got a clue what one is Has your husband ever forgotten your birthday? Do you have to give your husband hints when your wedding annavesary comes up or has he or you ever forgotten it? have you ever gone to one of these sex shops? what actor would you most like to have gone out with? I know the answer to this P.S. have you ever been stood up for a date? have you ever stood anyone up on a date? whats been your most embaressing moment ever? how many boyfriends have you had? more than 10? more than 20? or more than 30? or more than 40? mine was around 20 in all have you ever been out with a black man? I’ve been out with a black girl but only once. how many times have you been engaged? What would you change about your body if you could? Do you think men are to secreative about themselves? what sort of things interest you about a man? whats the most romantic thing your husband has done for you? Are you a romantic person? have you ever been dared to do something by someone? like go swimming naked or run down the street naked if so what was the dare and did you do it? have you ever been out with your husband some were and someone come up to you and chat you up thinking your husband was your dad? I know you have been married before but when you went up to the alter at the time have you ever thought about changing your mind about marrying them? have you ever turned someone down while someone asked to marry you? Well this is enough for the time being I wonder what you really made of them last questions I asked you I wonder if you found yourself answering them questions to yourself while reading them do married people ask each othere the kind of questions I have put to you or am I just to nosey I hope I have told you what you want to know if not don’t be shy ask me what ever you want I mean it what ever it is you want to know you know me I will tell you anything you want to know so dont hesitate ask away no matter what it is no matter how embaressing or offenceive it may seem Just go for it Id rather someone ask me something instead of beating around the bush I like people being open and truthful so if there is anything you want to know Just mention it so take it easy and all

The very best your friend

M a c

Reading Michael’s letters sent her into further despondency. He was not going to stop, she knew that, and she didn’t have the strength to do anything about it. Everything in her life was becoming intolerable—work, home, her weekly visits to her mother, listening to the same stories from years ago and still not having the heart to interrupt her; noticing how frail and forgetful she was becoming with each passing week, Ben. Too much, it was all getting too much for her. She needed to get away. Hadn’t Jim said they ought to go away somewhere? Well, why not, she thought. Without a moment’s hesitation, Kate found herself taking a detour into town before going home.

‘Sorry about the mess. I thought I’d have finished by now.’

Paint spattered dust sheets hung down over cupboards and covered every surface in the kitchen. Jim was standing on a stepladder in the middle of the room painting the ceiling, a job she had been asking him to do for months. It seemed nothing was too much trouble for him now.

‘If you want a brew you’ll have to go into the dining room. Everything’s set up in there.’

Bloody amazing, Kate thought to herself, how he can behave as though nothing has happened. She looked up into his smiling face and felt like kicking the ladders from under him. Without a word, Kate went into the living room and picked up the newspaper. It wasn’t long before Jim followed, paintbrush in one hand, blue envelope in the other and a sheepish look on his face.

‘You remember I mentioned us taking a holiday? Well . . . I’ve got a couple of tickets to Venice . . . in two weeks. It’s just for a long weekend.

Of all the cheek! Of all the bloody cheek! Kate thought. She lowered the newspaper and glared at him. ‘And I’ve booked a holiday in Tenerife—difference is, I go next week for seven days and I’ve only got one ticket.’

For a moment he stared at her, expressionless, and Kate wanted to laugh in his stupid face. How could he possibly think that a coat of paint in the kitchen and a weekend in Venice would put things right?

As soon as he walked out of the door, Kate dropped the newspaper onto her lap. She could no longer read, not with her eyes full of tears. Venice,—where they’d spent their honeymoon. Of all the places he could have chosen. She remembered one of Michael’s questions, ‘What’s the most romantic thing your husband has done for you?’ If it wasn’t for the fact he was using this as a fine gesture to exonerate himself from his adultery with that woman, then, Michael, this would have been it.

She quickly wiped a hand over her face and tried to concentrate on the day’s news.

5
th
October

Taxi
to
airport.
Feeling
nervous
but
determined
to
make
the
most
of
it.
God
knows,
I
need
it.

Good
journey
apart
from
mild
turbulence,
oh,
and
loud
family
in
front
with
hyperactive
children
and
young
man
vomiting
noisily
into
bag
across
aisle.

Queued
for
taxi
from
Sofia
airport
to
apartments.
Journey
took
about
15
minutes.

Apartment
very
spacious
—
meant
for
at
least
six
people.
Sea
view
from
balcony.
Bathed
and
changed
before
going
for
a
stroll
down
to
harbour.
Very
pretty
with
dozens
of
white
sailed
yachts
bobbing
about
on
the
clear
blue
water.
Glorious
sunshine.
Managed
to
get
myself
lost.
Feet
blistered
when
I
finally
arrived
back
hours
later
carrying
two
heavy
bags
of
shopping.
Thankful
for
free
map
or
things
could
have
been
much
worse.
Stayed
in
apartment
and
read
my
book
this
evening.