Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story (47 page)

I took one last look at the home that I had grown up in over the last twenty-two years as we passed through the small town and headed toward the summit. I hated this summit. It gave me flashbacks of driving to the hospital in Sacramento four years earlier. I was always going back to that dark, snowy night when chain control notified me of an Amber Alert. I had a memory of
every little part of this town. Some were good, some were bad, but most were sad. I once thought that I would spend the rest of my life here. I never thought that this beautiful place could turn so ugly. As we drove up the snowy summit, I felt relief. I wasn't sad to be leaving, and I knew that this was goodbye. My mom and I stopped at a Starbucks on the way to her house. She lived about two hours away in a little town called Grass Valley.

When we finally got to her house, it was around noon. I was in a daze and starting to come down. She made us lunch, and my stepdad began to question me. I expected that I might have an interrogation coming. He knew that I had been using drugs, but he didn't know exactly what. When I told him, he shook his head, "Oh no, Liz." I was about as honest with him as I was with my mom. "Well, tell me the truth, did you bring any of that stuff to my house?" "No, I got rid of all of it before I left. I flushed it down the toilet. I promise that I won’t ever bring it to your house." He believed me. After eating lunch, and it was probably the healthy food I had eaten in a long time, I went back to the bedroom that I was going to be staying in and fell asleep immediately. The next thing I remember was my mom was sitting on my bed and rubbing my head, "Liz, it's okay. Wake up. Its just mom." I turned over and looked at her completely confused. I forgot that I was even there. "What's going on?" I asked her, totally confused. "Are you okay? I came to wake you up because dinner is ready, and you were fighting me while you were tangled in your blanket." "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't remember anything." In a daze, I walked out to the living room where dinner was on the table, and we sat down and ate. We talked about me finding a job as soon as I could, and I also remembered that I needed to request my last paycheck from McDonald's. I started to feel better in a few days, and I was slowly getting back to normal.

I wasn't familiar with any local clinics, and I was about to run out of my antidepressant. Because I was away from the horrible circumstances that I was living in, I thought that I would just wean myself off the antidepressant and see if I could be okay without them. I was tired for the first week that I didn't have my medication, but I quickly regained my energy. I was eating better, and my mom helped me find a church to go to. We went on Sundays and there was also a weekly meeting for people in recovery. I tried to go to the local NA meetings, but I really didn't feel comfortable, and I didn't feel like I fit in. I didn't know any of the people, and unlike the familiar group from Tahoe, it didn't seem that many of these people had very much sobriety time. One thing that I liked about the church meetings was that they always had a contemporary Christian rock band playing. Music always put me into a meditative state, and it was a good place for me to go to find forgiveness and think about my life. The more that I socialized with the real world, the less I thought about it. I didn't know what to do about it, but the thought of never seeing Danielle again broke my heart. Derrick was still in jail, so I still had time to think about my options. I was still out on bail for the accessory to a felony charge that was brought against me. I had a Court date in about four months that would determine if I was guilty or innocent. I had plenty of time to reflect on the last four years of my life and I became angry. Being around my mom and my grandparents helped me feel like myself again. I was angry that I lost myself for so long, and most important, I was angry that I didn't have my children with me.

I eventually got a job at the local convenience store. I could hardly understand the owners, but they were nice enough to hire me. After realizing that this job didn't have enough hours for what I needed, I applied for a job at the Holiday Inn. The only openings they had were for housekeeping. It paid $9 an hour and it was full-time. I didn't like the fact that I had to get up early for the job, but I knew that I was an expert at cleaning so I would probably do well. The more I worked, the more my self-esteem came back. I started to realize what I did and didn't want for my life. I went online and printed the forms that I would need to file for a divorce. I drove to Tahoe with my mom and determined that I would serve the papers during a visit with Derrick. I didn't know for sure if I was going to follow through with it, but I did want him to know that I was serious about life. His mother had been emailing me constantly, and I felt like she was being incredibly nosy. Eventually, I just had to stop responding. I needed time to think about what I really wanted. I couldn't picture myself staying with Derrick and ever being truly happy. He would just be a reminder of everything that I didn't have.

When he saw me behind the glass, his eyes lit up. He wasn't expecting me. I probably looked different and healthier and happier. When I first moved to Grass Valley, one of the first things that my mom did was take me to the local chocolate factory. Then she took me to her hairstylist and we both had our hair done. If she was trying to boost my self-confidence, she did a good job. "Look at you, all pretty and spoiled," Derrick said. "Well, it was useless for me to sit around here," I replied, feeling kind of nervous. We talked about the case, about Danielle, and about how much longer he thought he would be in jail. He wasn't sure, but it wasn't looking very good. "So I have to give you these papers. Don't get mad and don't freak out. I just want you to know that I'm serious about staying clean and not getting in trouble. I slid the papers on the glass. He took them, and stared at them. He was in shock. "I... I just don't understand. What are you doing?" "I just told you, I simply don’t want to handle any pain any more." "I know you can't. Everything will be fine once we get to Texas." He wasn't really willing to accept what I had just sent his way. I couldn't blame him since he was sitting in jail. I was happy that at least I knew that I had options. We made the drive back home, and after dinner, I sat in my room crying. I was thinking about Derrick and how lonely he must be. I suddenly started to miss him again. I didn't know what to do, so I wrote him a letter. I told him how much I loved him and that I was just so tired of all the defeat. I told him that I wanted him to get better, and that I was trying to get better at my mom's house. I sealed the envelope and I put it in the mailbox before anyone could see.

After I started my job, I started to clash with my stepdad. I was in his way and he was in my way. I went into a full-blown panic attack and determined that I had to go back to Tahoe. I threw a complete fit until my mom finally caved in and drove me to Tahoe. She dropped me off with my older sister, Lilah, because I didn't really have anywhere else to go. My sister had to work that day, so I decided to go to my old house to see what was left. As I walked in, it looked like there were squatters living there. There were old smelly blankets all over the place, and the entire house completely stunk. This was definitely not the house that I remember. Or was it? Was I really living like this? I felt contaminated from just standing there. And I was worried that some people might show up. I couldn't find any of my things, so I decided that I would return to the house the next day when my mom picked me up. I was only in Tahoe for less than a day, and I already wanted to leave again. I probably just had to go there to see for myself that it would really never be my home again. My visit with Derrick gave me the closure that I needed. I didn't know what kind of closure I was even looking for, but I knew that I didn't want to spend my life visiting my husband in jail. It was no way for either of us to live. I told Derrick that I would see him the next day before I left to go back to Grass Valley and I intended to. But after leaving the jail, and realizing that it made me feel anxious, I decided not to return.

Before heading back to my mom's house, we went out to lunch with Lilah. After we ate, we returned to the house that had seen my heaviest days of using drugs. Lolo had moved in. I wasn't surprised at all. I was actually kind of glad that he was there because I wanted to know where my pictures were. He had neatly put them away in boxes for me and stored them under the porch of the house. He wrapped the boxes in plastic bags to protect the pictures from harsh weather. As I went under the porch to pull out the boxes, I immediately became worried as I saw puddles of water on top of the bags. I took the bags off, and the boxes were soaking wet. All of the pictures, albums and baby books were soaked. I was hoping that they were just wet on the outside, but the water had seeped through every single picture. My heart was broken. These pictures were the only things I had left of my babies. They were ruined. I walked away, because I couldn't handle looking at them anymore. The pictures of my daughters were gone. I was crying and wiping away my tears because I didn't want to be obvious. Lila came up to me and gave me a hug. She also cried. She must have felt the pain that I was feeling. Actually, It was more than a pain. It was an absence and a loss - almost like a death.

I spoke with my dad a few days after I returned to Grass Valley, and he told me that when he went to a job in Tahoe, he would stop by the house and pick up the pictures. He said that he was going to go through them and see if any of them were salvageable. I resumed working, and shortly after my temporary meltdown, my mom and stepdad found me my own place. It was a cute little studio that was attached to a house that had been turned into a duplex. My mom and my grandparents set me up with all the furniture that I needed and the only complaint that I had was that my television set was about 8"x8". I remembered the TV set from when I was little. My grandpa had it in his house. I loved it but it was so small that it was almost funny. My stepdad told me that he was going to pay my rent for six months. After that I would be on my own. Part of him must love me, I thought. I had a love-hate relationship with him, but it was mostly good. They were trying to teach me how to live on my own, and although I had a full time job, I didn't know if I could do it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the world alone.

I worked every day and because I didn't have a car, I had to walk. It was about a 10 to 15 minute walk, but the summers get hot in Grass Valley. Since I had served the divorce papers to Derrick, my young mind already considered myself to be separated. I hadn't talked to him in months, and I hadn't contacted his mother either. I knew that Danielle was safe and I missed her, but I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I definitely didn't have the money to hire an Attorney to get her back into my custody. Derrick's mom said that she would never keep her from me, but I had my doubts. They had her for quite a while, and they were most definitely attached.

The best cure for my loneliness ….was boys! They were everywhere. I never knew how likeable I was until I was single! The first guy, Matt, was one I met working at the convenience store. The bad thing about him was that he reminded me of Derrick. The good thing about him was that he was a ton of fun. Nevertheless, he was still trouble. He thought he loved me, but I just couldn’t handle it. He was a member of some white-boy brotherhood group, and I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but I had a feeling it could only be trouble. The only times I called him to come over was when I was afraid that someone was going to break into my little studio and hurt me. I made him use his own blanket and stay away from me. I wasn’t ready to have another relationship and just needed the protection.

The other guy that I periodically hung out with was a kid I went to high school with. We started talking on MySpace back when it was cool. He was a few years older than me, and I specifically remember him kissing me out of the blue when I was a freshman. We were both in the same P.E. class. He was still living in Tahoe, but he traveled for work. Every time he came to visit me I got super excited. It was nice to have someone around who was from the same hometown as I was. Apparently he didn’t ever hear anything about my million bags of baggage either.

Then there was Jared. Our first date was amazing and we both liked each other a lot. He was a punk rocker in a band. When I saw him practice with his band, I was seeing stars. He was hot. Watching him play on his guitar like the hot guy from Blink 182 was really fun.

All of them knew that I was legally married. I told only one person my entire story after feeling he could be trusted. His name was Nate. I met him while I was hanging out at a co-workers house, and she lived just down the street from me. Her name was Ashley, and she was a few years older than me. She was from Reno, and had moved to Grass Valley to be with a guy she met. We got along great, and she was always funny. She kept telling me about a guy named Nate and how she thought we would be so cute together. Finally, out of curiosity, I had her invite him to her house when I was going over for dinner. At first glance, I thought he was gorgeous, and he had a big, bright smile. After talking for a while, I knew pretty quickly that he was someone that I could definitely be friendly with. It was very easy to be myself around Nate, and I didn't feel like I was going to be judged for anything that I said. He wasn't boring. He was outspoken just like me. I ended up hanging out with Nate almost every day for the rest of my stay in Grass Valley. I also met his mom and siblings. He made me feel young again. Despite the fact that I felt like my depression was coming back, he kept me company and made my days fun. I didn't have any money for a Dr. appointment, and I was completely out of medication. Although I should have known that it was my depression coming back, I just blamed it on feeling insecure and missing my daughter.

Once in a while, I would tell Nate that he had to go home. Sometimes I just needed to be by myself. On the other hand, it probably wasn't a good idea for me to be alone with my thoughts. Every night that I spent alone in my little studio apartment, my mind would wander off and think about Derrick. I would also think about our daughter and wonder what the best thing was to do. I started emailing his mother periodically, and I told her that I didn't have Internet access on a regular basis and that was why she hadn't heard from me. She accepted my excuse and was just happy to be in contact. By this point, I only had less than a month left of Probation providing that my upcoming hearing didn't go badly. Derrick's mom told me that her niece and her cousin applied to the university near their town. If she got accepted, she would be moving in with them for the duration of her school years. I had met her before and I liked her. At first I was excited about this, but then I wondered if I ended up going back to Texas, would be too much estrogen in one house. Derrick’s mom was talking about possibly coordinating the trip out there. Meaning that instead of flying, I would ride out there with her in her car.

The big Court date had finally come. I initially thought it was going to just be for my case, but then I found out that Derrick was also going to be there, and he was going to have his sentencing as well. My grandparents drove me all the way to Tahoe because my mom was busy with school. My dad was also going to meet us at the Court to show his support and also give me the pictures that he was able to recover. I thought that it was really nice of him to do this for me, and it showed that he really cared. I was extremely nervous about going to my Hearing because I knew that it only took one decision against my favor and everything would change. I would go straight back to jail, and I would be starting all over again. I hoped that the Lawyers would see that I had left Derrick and was really making an effort to better my life. I was also nervous because I knew that Derrick was going to be there and my family was also going to be there. It was conflicting for me because I knew that my family didn't like him since he was such a bad influence on me over the years. It was still hard for me to not get upset over this, and as for myself, I didn't even know if I liked him. I loved him, but I wasn't sure if I liked him or wanted to be around him again.

I was happy to see my Lawyer standing outside of the Courtroom as I walked through the metal detector. I wanted to speak with her before anyone else could hear what I was saying, including Derrick. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her about my new living arrangement. "I don't know if it will make a difference or not, but I wanted to find out if there is any way that you can relay to the Judge and the District Attorney that I filed for divorce and left Derrick. I'd rather it not be done in front of Derrick because it just makes it really awkward." She said that she would try her best to quietly get the information to them. She told me that she wasn't exactly sure what they were thinking or what was going to happen. Based on her own knowledge, though, she said she would be surprised if they actually found me guilty of that crime.

The Judge called the case, and Derrick was sitting at the table next to me. He looked like he was so happy to see me, and he asked me how I was doing. I was extra nice to him and said that I was doing well. He looked like he was going to become emotional. The Court went over my case before they called his. The Judge ruled that what I did was more of an act of a Good Samaritan than a crime and dropped the charge against me. I was so happy that I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I truly felt like it was a miracle and that maybe I still had hope for a good life. Derrick and his Lawyer looked over at me and congratulated me. I could tell that Derrick truly meant it, and he was honestly happy that they dropped the charge. It made me feel sad for him and what he was going through. He was not innocent of the crime, but the Court gave him two strikes and claimed that he used his fists as a deadly weapon. The Court called a ten-minute recess, and I really had to pee. They were going to call Derrick's case next, and honestly, it was just so awkward being in the same room with him that I didn't feel like I wanted to stay. I had my family with me and they were 100% sure I was leaving him. I was still unsure. I got a letter in the mail a few days after the Hearing. It was from Derrick.

Hi Honey,

It was really good to see you the other day, and I wish you could have stayed longer. I almost cried when I found out that you left for good after the break. I will always love you no matter what. You are the legs to my table, and that will never change, but if you are over me, I would really like to know. It will hurt a lot, but I need to know the truth so I can plan my future. The Court is giving me credit for time served, and I am going to be out of here in a few weeks. The only stipulation is that I have to leave the state of California forever. Before I leave, I have to do a series of Probation meetings in a weeks’ time, and I also have to register my fists as a deadly weapon with the state. If I ever get into trouble again, even in the smallest amount, I'll go to prison for the rest of my life - or at least for a minimum of twenty-five years. They gave me two strikes, but I was somehow able to convince them to just let me go. I promised them that I would never be back to California and I told them that I just wanted to go live with my family in Texas. I hope that you'll still want to go there as soon as you're off Probation. The suspense is killing me. I don't pray a lot, but if there is a God, I've been praying to him lately. I love you and please, please write me back.

Derrick

As I was finished reading the letter, my tears were falling onto the piece of paper. It was almost as if I could hear him talking. My mind was not acknowledging the negative aspects of our relationship. It was only thinking about the things that I loved about him. His quick wit, his funny sense of humor, and his overall sincerity when he told me he loved me. I began to feel like I just needed to go to Texas. I didn't have the same sense of belonging that I had known for such a long time. Living alone for the first time was terrifying, and I let my fears get the best of me. I felt empty because I had three children and none of them were with me. I knew that my third baby was going to be without me, and it was going to be because of my choices. I just couldn't do that to her. I began to write Derrick’s mom an email and told her that I would be ready to leave in a few weeks.