Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story (48 page)

When I think about depression, I think about it as an unwelcome personality. I believe that I spent at least 50% of my life living with depression, and I simply didn't know it. When I was as young as six years old, I always felt tired and weak. I never knew why. Everybody just assumed that I was having growing pains. I vividly remember my first day of second grade. I was seven years old, and I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit. Most kids are excited about their first day of school. I was incredibly nervous and didn't know how to handle it. I had a difficult time paying attention in my classes and occasionally my teachers would become frustrated with me and thought that I deliberately broke a rule when it was really just an accident. I remember my third grade teacher asking all of her students to stop doodling on their spelling tests. It didn't sink in. On autopilot, I began to doodle hearts. When I finished taking the test, she became angry me. In sixth grade, my teacher had chosen me to stand in front of the entire classroom so the other kids could give me compliments and then clap for me. She did this with all of the students on a weekly. She would always choose a different student. I didn't know why, but I was mortified. I started having facial spasms like I had Tourette syndrome. My face turned bright red. Mrs. Greenfield patted me on the shoulder. "It's okay, calm down," she quietly said. That's when I knew that my nervousness was obvious. I'm pretty sure that was when I had my very first panic attack. I was just eleven years old. All throughout Middle school, I felt dizzy at times, and I felt like I just wasn't in reality. Looking back on all of these strange things that happened to me as a little kid, I am now sure that they were symptoms of depression. I believe that I was born that way. Not of the fault of anyone else, but for some reason, my mind was constructed differently. I was always an intuitive child and extremely sensitive, perceptive and depressed.

I knew what depression felt like because I recognized it after we had to take Danielle to El Paso. When I got out of jail for the third time, I was broken. My psychological self just couldn't handle any more and my subconscious was trying to send me warning signals that were manifested through depression symptoms and panic attacks. When I moved to Grass Valley, my depression came back after I thought it would be okay to stop taking my meds, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it was when I was in Tahoe. I brushed it off and assumed that the only reason I was feeling this way was because I wanted to be with my husband and daughter. It was the easiest reason that I could come up with, and I knew exactly what I needed to do to fix it. Once I fixed it by moving to Texas, I knew that I would feel better right away.

Not too long after I decided that I wanted to go to Texas, I quit my job. I was tired of working, and I knew that I was going to be out of California soon anyway. Derrick's mom sent me money to pay my bills and get some groceries. I slept all day, I would get up to make dinner and watch TV, and then get in bed again and go back to sleep. My mom would stop by a few times a week and bring me homemade ice cream or give me a ride to the grocery store to help me get food. Her homemade ice cream was the one thing that did cheer me up - talk about heaven in your mouth!

When I quit my job, I'm pretty sure that my mom and my stepdad were starting to realize that I was probably not going to stay there very much longer. I knew that they were both disappointed. I didn't want to disappoint them, but I honestly just didn't know how to live alone, and I wasn't truly ready to completely end my relationship with Derrick. I didn't feel like I had enough closure to do that just yet. Additionally, I knew that if I didn't at least try to go to Texas to be with my daughter, I would never forgive myself.

I was already planning my trip, and we had decided how I was going to get there. Derrick’s cousin was accepted into the University in Texas. She had to go to the University to do her paperwork, and I still had two weeks of Probation left. I didn't have any more meetings scheduled with Probation. The last time I had a meeting they pretty much told me to stay out of trouble and I would be free to go on August 23, 2009. I figured that as long as I followed their rules, it wouldn’t make any difference if I left two weeks early. I was already living in another town, which they knew about, so it's not like they were going to show up at my front door. We decided that we were going to take off driving in mid-August. Derrick was released from jail in early August. I was making my dinner on a Friday afternoon and watching Extreme Home Makeover on my 8” inch television set when my phone rang. It was Derrick at the County Jail. He had just gotten out of Court and told me that he was being released. I was excited for him, and I wanted to go to Tahoe right away. I wanted to see him before he left for Texas.

I had remained in contact with Casie’s sister, Alicia, and she offered to come and get me. She under-estimated the length of the drive and didn’t arrive until about midnight. I was frustrated because Derrick had told me that he would call me as soon as he was out of jail and he didn’t. He knew that I was going to be on my way. When we pulled into Tahoe, I was livid. He knew that I had Alicia make the long drive so I could see him, and he wasn’t even considerate enough to tell me where he would be. I had a feeling that I would find him at the trailer park we had lived in. When we pulled in, it was 3:00 a.m. With the headlights on, I saw the silhouette of a tall person walking out of the front door. My suspicion was spot-on. It was Derrick. Although it was dark, I could still see him pretty good because he had a white T-shirt on. He had lost a lot of weight. He almost looked like he did when we first started dating. I ran up to him and gave him a big hug. He had been in jail for around four months, but it felt as if I hadn’t seen him in forever. He helped me grab my bags out of Alicia’s car and I thanked her for going out of her way. I had no idea how I was going to get home after Derrick got on the bus to Texas, but I honestly didn’t care. I forgot how much I missed him. I instantly remembered everything about him that I loved. I was quick to brush the bad things to the side. Although I was elated to be with him and feeling like we were dating again for the first time, a part of me wondered why he was staying in this neighborhood. I had a feeling that he had gotten high with Aaron as soon as he was out of jail. I didn’t want to ruin our time together, so I never brought it up.

We walked into the house that I had lived in for just a short time but had so many memories. They were all sad memories. Unlike the last time I was there, someone had come to the house to clean it. All of the smelly blankets were gone, and it looked like it had been cleaned for new renters. "How did you get in the house in the first place?" I asked. "Oh, the backdoor was unlocked. I didn't have anywhere else to stay, and I thought that you would probably find me here, so I figured why not." Aaron had saved some of Derrick's clothing just in case he got out and needed regular clothes to where. We walked up to our old room and Derrick was using his clothes as a pillow. The house was completely empty and it made me sad. Although the majority of time spent in this house was spent using drugs, I still made it our home. No matter what a person is going through, they still need to have a place to call home. I always valued the importance of that. It didn't feel the same at all. It didn't feel like I had ever lived there, and it didn't feel like I had ever lived in this town. Now that I was able to actually leave Tahoe, I was given a new light on life's possibilities. Tahoe was not the only place to live. It was not my only option. I'll forever be grateful that my mom helped me to realize this. It's easy to seclude yourself in a beautiful, cozy little paradise up on top of a mountain, but when I allowed myself to do this for such a long time, I didn't know what I was missing. There's a whole big, bright world out there with so many possibilities. The worst thing that I could have ever done was not trying I still think about all the locals that I knew, and I wonder how many of them were born in Tahoe and never left. It makes me sad to think that some of these people may not have ever tapped into their full potential. They simply did not know what they were missing.

Derrick and I lay on the hard floor in the empty bedroom that was once ours. We planned on falling asleep, but we had too many emotions. We were worried about getting him getting to Texas in time, we were worried about money, and we were definitely worried about where we were going to stay for the next few days. Even though we were worried about so many things, we still held each other for probably two hours. Derrick seemed like he was a little bit more serious about life, and he almost seemed uneasy about being out of jail. I thought that this was a good thing, and I hoped that it would only benefit him, and ultimately our marriage, in the long-term.

We somehow managed to survive the next few days. Derrick’s mother wired us enough money to be able to eat and rent a cheap motel room. One of our mutual friends offered to give us a ride to Sacramento where Derrick would leave by Greyhound bus. Sacramento was only an hour away from Grass Valley, and I was lucky enough that she agreed to take me home. I tried my hardest not to cry as he got on the bus. I wanted to be strong for him because I knew that right now he was vulnerable and unsure about everything. He called me periodically while he was riding across the country. He made it to Texas in his allotted time and I could finally breathe. I still had a few weeks left in Grass Valley, but I was anxious to start our new lives together.

After I got home from my visit with him, a few days went by and I started to become mixed up once. Nate came and hung out with me a few times, and a part of me desperately just wanted to be a young adult and have fun. At the same time, I knew that I had a little girl waiting for me. She is the main reason I knew that I had no other option but to move to Texas.

Finally, the day came when Derrick's aunt was going to pick me up. I wanted to spend one last night in my hometown because I didn't think I would ever be back. She had wanted to go to Tahoe anyway. We were going to spend the night in Tahoe, drive to the Bay Area to kill time at her house for a day, and then head all the way up to Quincy. Ashley and I would be leave for Texas from Quincy. Ashley had offered to pick me up at my house in Grass Valley on the actual day that we would be going to Texas, but I didn't want to wait that long to leave. I just had a sense of urgency to get my life moving. Also, I thought it would be fun to sneak in one last little party - and wow, did I live it up.

Aunt Cherie was going to pick me up around noon. My mom and grandparents came over to my studio apartment to help clean because I couldn’t take most of the things they had given me. My mom was frustrated, and I could tell that she was depressed over the whole thing. My stepdad was angry because he probably felt a little betrayed considering that he paid six months advance rent for me to get on my feet. Now he was going to have to try to find a new person to take over the lease so he wouldn’t end up wasting his money. When my family was at my studio and I was about to leave, I didn’t know what to do except cry. I was sad that I was leaving and felt like I was disappointing everyone all over again. None of them wanted me to leave, but they understood why I wanted to at least try to be with my daughter. My mom made a prediction as she was wiping down the floor. “I really just can’t see you ever being happy in Texas, Liz. Of course I wish the best for you, but I think you’re going to get there and be miserable and Derrick’s mom - she’ll probably try to make you her slave,” she said. “I’ve been emailing Derrick’s mom for years now, and I highly doubt that will happen. I’ll never know how it’s going to work unless I try,” I dryly responded. The waterworks were about to start all over again. Aunt Cherie arrived and helped me put my things in the back of her SUV. Everything barely fit. She packed so much stuff in her car that it looked like she was about to move across the country with me. She had her smelly little dog with her too. When my things were packed, I gave my mom and grandparents a hug goodbye. My stepdad wasn’t anywhere to be found, and he probably wasn’t in the mood to see me anyway.

We pulled out of the driveway that I would never see again, and I waved to my mom and my grandparents while trying to keep it together. I didn’t know when I would see any of them again. I was mainly upset because I felt like I let them down, and the last thing that I wanted to do was cause anyone more pain. I called my dad on the way to Tahoe and told him what was going on. He was also worried, but he understood. We planned to meet for lunch the next day before aunt Cherie and I left for the Bay Area.

We checked into our hotel room that she booked and unpacked some of our things. I somehow convinced her to go with me to the casinos that night. I wanted to live it up and say goodbye to Tahoe forever. My grief and mixed emotions were heavily sitting on my subconscious, and as usual, the best thing that I knew to do was self-destruct. At least this time though, it wasn’t with drugs. I had successfully stayed away from meth for about six months. We sat at one of the oval shaped bars and ordered shots of Jaeger. They were actually Jaeger-bombs. We were served the shot glasses with the liquor along with a full cup of red-bull. We dropped the shot glass into the cup of the energy drink, made a cheer, and drank away. We were pretty drunk within just a few hours. A woman with humongous boobs and short bleached hair approached the bar where we were still sitting. Cherie knew her, and they were talking like they were long lost best friends. The three of us decided to walk around the casino for a while, and we ended up stopping at one of the lingerie stores. The store had shoes, dresses, costumes and all sorts of fun things to try on. We all tried on different outfits with new shoes in the dressing rooms. This woman who was with us, whom I had never met before, seemed to be going through some sort of a mid-life crisis. She would be extremely happy and excited one minute and on the floor in tears the next. When I walked out of the dressing room with a pink backless dress on, she screamed in delight. Somehow, both of the women, along with a girl who worked at the store and whom I had gone to school with, were in the dressing room with me taping my dress to my chest, which was now sucked in and pushed up from suction-cup boob amplifiers. Before I knew it, I almost looked famous - in kind of a slutty kind of way.

We ended up dancing almost all night. At one point, a handsome man asked me if I would be his “lady luck.” I had no idea what that meant. “Sure, as long as you don’t try to sleep with me,” I responded. I followed him to a blackjack table. He was putting down chips of $10,000. I was shocked. I secretly really wanted one of those chips. I told the man that I had to meet my friends at a restaurant in the casino for dinner. When I found them, the two of them had turned into a group of at least fifteen. I knew a few of them. One in particular was a cute guy I remembered from school. We ate, had more shots and laughed about things I don’t even recall. When we asked for the bill, the waitress surprised me as she said: “The man sitting over there in the corner actually already took care of it.” It was the same man who I had witnessed dropping 10k chips. I thought it was really nice of him, but I wondered why he paid the tab. He had complimented me about beautiful I was throughout the night, but I wondered if he thought he could get me to go to his room. I wasn’t about to find out.

When it was around 4:00 a.m., Cherie and I decided we better get to our room and at least get a few hours of sleep. I was flirting to no end with the guy I knew from high school. I thought it would be fun to bring him back to the room - forgetting that Cherie was Derrick’s aunt. She was too drunk to notice or even care, and she actually laughed about it when she realized what was going on. When she went into the room, my friend and I went down to the hot tub. When we went back to the room, we though she would be asleep. When we discreetly started getting busy, she drunkenly slurred, “Wrap it up!” as she threw a condom our way. It was so hilarious that I could hardly control my laughter. The entire situation was awkwardly funny.

When I woke up about noon the next day, my friend was gone and Aunt Cherie was still asleep. We ordered a pizza to help tame our hangover, and I was cracking up as I went through the pictures from the night before. I decided to post them on My Space. I wanted the world to see that I could be beautiful and popular if I wanted to, and I mainly wanted Derrick to see this. I wanted to be sure that he knew that I would always have other options, and that he should think twice before taking me for granted. Of course, I didn’t post any pictures of me with the guy from high school, but either way, these pictures were a little on the sleazy side. I had completely forgot about meeting with my dad that day until my phone rang. When I saw it was my dad, I didn’t answer because I had a feeling he was going to be pretty mad at me, and he was actually quite furious. “I guess you have no plans to say goodbye to me, Elizabeth and you need to take those pictures off My Space! They are sleazy!” he screamed into the message. Part of me knew that he was right, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. I wasn’t ready to deal with anyone. I ignored his message and didn’t call him back. I felt really bad about it, but I couldn’t face my own feelings. I had too much going on and didn’t want to let him ruin my good time.

Cherie and I left Tahoe the same afternoon, and we got to her house that evening around six. One of her guy friends came over that she had somewhat of a relationship with. I was still in a party mode and insisted that we all go out to a bar. I had a cute jean skirt on and a tight, white long-sleeve shirt. I was being flirty with everyone. I even convinced the D.J. to let me play with his equipment. I told the bartender that I wanted to dance on the bar that night. “I’ll be really careful, I swear!” “I want to let you, but it’s against our policy. If you got hurt, we could be sued,” he replied. I socialized with pretty much everyone at the bar that night, and when I least expected, the manager approached me and introduced himself. “Now, we usually never let anyone dance on our bar, but you are gorgeous and your personality is bubbly and likable, so I think that if I let you dance on the bar it would probably be good for business.” he said in all sincerity. “Yay! Can I pick the song?” I asked. He led me to the D.J. where he told him what was about to happen. As I was deciding on a song, he walked over to the six-foot tall bartender and informed him of what I was about to do. Of course, I chose the tackiest, most cliché song I could think of. The music started playing and Cherie and her friend had no idea what was going on. I thought it was nice of the beefy bartender to help me onto the bar. Every seat at the bar was taken. My only fear was that I was going to accidently kick someone’s drink over.

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on

Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

I very carefully busted out with my best moves. I didn’t end up knocking anyone’s drinks over, and by the end of my dance, I somehow got a hold of the water hose and turned this ordeal into a one-woman wet t-shirt contest, and I did win – face palm.