Look Both Ways (24 page)

“I’m in love with him, too,” Susan said. “After all that happened, I thought it best that we not see each other, for his sake as well as my own, but I was wrong. Before you called me, I had already planned to visit your church to find out if there was a chance for Will and me. I can’t stand to lose him twice.”

A gray-haired man with a friendly smile touched her arm.

“My name’s Clarence Bradford. I’m Amy’s brother. Just call me Uncle Chitty. My nephew has great taste. You’re just about the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Susan tried to smile at the impish brown face, but felt the heat of Jean’s scowl.

“This is my sister Dalia and my brother Chitty.” Mrs. Cartwright took Susan’s arm and steered her away from their stares. “I’m glad you’re here, Miss Cross. Willie loves you. I know that, and I think your presence might help him recover. Jean means well, but as I said, she’s the family pessimist. Don’t take her too seriously.”

“I feel the same way, Miss Cross,” Mrs. Whitehead said. “When we saw you at that concert, I knew you and Willie had to get back together. I knew he loved you, but I saw that same look on your face, too. We talked about it later. Willie said your good-bye had been final and that you would not reconsider. I told him he was wrong. That’s why I called. Willie’s face lit up when I told him you were coming to church. He smiled the rest of the week until…” She cried softly.

Susan waited with the family, in spite of Jean’s baleful stares. Since only two people were allowed in the room, she took her turn going to his bed, each time reminding him that she loved him. After dozing briefly in a waiting room chair, she awakened at 5:16 and prepared to leave.

“Mrs. Cartwright, I’ve got to put in an appearance at work. I’ve been gone for a week, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. Please call me if there is any change.”

“Before you go, would you please join me in a prayer for Willie’s recovery?”

With tears in her eyes, Mrs. Cartwright took Susan’s hand and led her to the bed. They kneeled together, and Susan said a desperate prayer of her own. She kissed Will’s cheek and left her cell and home phone number with Mrs. Cartwright and Mrs. Whitehead.

“I’ll return as soon as I can. In the meantime, please call me if there’s any change.”

She drove home in blind numbness. She was determined for Will to live because that was the only scenario that made sense. If he needed and still loved her when he awakened, she would become his wife, his nurse, anything to keep him in her life.

The warm water of the shower washed away some of the knotted tension in her body. She relaxed just enough to feel the need for sleep. After starting the coffeemaker, she noticed the red blinking light on the phone and remembered she had not spoken with her parents. They would be up now, she thought.

“Mom, it’s me. I’m sorry I didn’t call you last night. The most terrible thing has happened. Will has been hurt.” She told her mother the details and added her fears, “Mom, they don’t think he’s going to make it. They have really good doctors here, but each of the ones I overheard said brain injuries are unpredictable. Even when the swelling subsides, they’re unsure of his level of recovery. His mother believes he’ll get better, but his sister thinks there will be complications even if he does live. I’m so frightened. I don’t know what I’ll do if he dies.”

Tammy offered to come to Houston. “You’ve been through a lot in the past few months. I don’t want you to go through this alone.”

“Let’s wait, Mom. It’s possible that he…” She couldn’t say the words.

* * *

Stumbling into her office after retrieving a basket of mail from the secretary’s desk, she sat wearily down, her head falling forward in exhaustion.

“Susan?” Travis walked in. “You’re here early. How was your vacation?”

“It was fine.” She lifted her head but avoided eye contact.

“Did you hear what happened to Rev. Cartwright? Talk about paying for one’s sins. I heard he’s barely alive…” He stopped and came closer. “I’m an insensitive oaf. You’ve been at the hospital…you’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

She nodded but couldn’t speak.

“It’s okay. I understand. I’m sorry, Susan. I felt angry that he was able to hold your interest and I wasn’t. I was also angry that he hurt you, but I never thought anything like this would happen.” He cautiously placed his arm around her.

“It’s been awhile since I had an intense conversation with God, but I still have his number, and I’ll use it for you and Will. Please try not to worry.”

“Susan.” Angie was at the door. “How’s he doing?”

“There’s been no change. He’s shown no signs of awareness. I was there all night. His mother is trying to be optimistic, but the doctors aren’t very reassuring.”

Travis headed for the door and turned back, his eyes filled with compassion. “Susan, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, and I meant what I said. I’m here if you need me.”

“I’m praying for him too, Susan, and I’m optimistic, just like his mother.” Angie sniffled. “He’s going to be all right. You’ve got to believe that.”

Trying to believe what Angie said, Susan filled her coffee mug and headed for the Monday meeting. Perry lingered after the meeting adjourned. Taking her arm, he escorted her back to her office.

“I can tell something is wrong. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Perry, it’s Willard Cartwright. He’s…”

“An accident, yes, I heard it on the news. Is he going to be okay?”

“The doctors are not at all positive. He’s still unconscious. They’ve even mentioned brain dead. I’ve been such a fool, Perry. Will came to my apartment the evening after our meeting with the people from Cedargrove. He assured me he had nothing to do with the story in the papers, and I believed him. What I didn’t believe was that I could be happy in a relationship where so many people depended on him, leaned on him,
and
tried to stab him in the back. I let him walk out of my life, and now…” She shook her head.

“I’m so sorry,” Perry said, embracing her. “Don’t give up. The one thing Houston has is an abundance of medical technology. I’m sure he’s getting the best care available. He’s a strong man. He can fight this, and you’ll have to remain positive.”

“I’m trying. I was there all night last night.” She felt the need to unburden her heart. “I never should have allowed this Cedargrove mess to come between us and now, if he doesn’t make it, if I’ll never have a chance to tell him how I feel, I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself.”

He took her hand. “I thought you were in love with him. I saw it on your face…and his. Why don’t you go back to the hospital and check on him and then go home and rest? Deeds won’t be back until the week of Christmas, and there are no emergencies. We’ll hold down the fort another day.”

“I’ll leave a little later. I need to focus on something else right now, and I’m sure there are a few things that need my attention.”

She sorted her incoming mail, made phone calls, and then took Perry’s advice. When she arrived in the intensive care ward, she found the Cartwright family huddled around the doctor. Unnoticed, she stood on the perimeter of the circle and listened.

“Swelling is our main concern right now. There’s no fluid build-up…that’s a good sign. It’s just too early to tell. The ribs on his left side are cracked, as is a bone is his left arm, and he’s badly bruised, but those things will heal. He could open his eyes any minute…or this could continue indefinitely.”

“Doctor, is it okay for us to be with him?” Mrs. Cartwright asked.

“I think that’s the best medicine right now. Don’t crowd the room, but stay with him as much as possible. Talk to him, sing, pray, any stimulant you can think to use.”

Jean moved forward. “Doctor, what about his emotional condition? Am I correct that any kind of stress can harm Willie right now?”

Susan’s heart stood still as she watched the doctor rub his chin.

“Stress is harmful, regardless of the situation, but the love of his family is vital. Some would say that being subjected to anxiety could be harmful, and some will say anything that stirs emotion, either good or bad, can help him regain consciousness. Love is a strong emotion. Unfortunately, so is hatred.”

A sharp pain cut into Susan’s heart. Terri spotted her and nudged her mother, and they all turned. Susan bravely stepped forward.

“I couldn’t help overhearing, and I want you to know that I would never do anything to harm Will. I love him, but I’m not family. If you think it best that I leave, I’ll do so.”

“Miss Cross, you must understand that my daughter is just trying to protect Will. I want you to stay here. I think your presence will make a positive difference. Will loves you. There’s no way that could be bad for him.” Mrs. Cartwright moved to her side.

“Thank you.” She looked at Jean and Terri. “This is a trying time for all of us. I want to do what’s best for Will, and I would never want my presence to make any of you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m just trying to look out for my brother, Miss Cross,” Jean retorted. “You see, I never saw him in the elated state that my mother and Auntie are speaking of. I saw only sadness and desperation emerge from your relationship. When that whole mess was over, the meeting at your office, we sat at home and waited for Will’s return. He was a broken man. That’s the face I remember. You say you love him, so why didn’t you believe him?”

“It wasn’t simply a matter of believing him. In time I came to believe him, but there were other factors to consider in our relationship. I made a decision based on what I thought was best for both of us.”

“Please understand where I’m coming from, Miss Cross. I’m afraid you’ll stay here now because you feel sorry for him, maybe even guilty, but later, if God chooses not to give him back all of his physical or mental abilities, you’ll leave him again. Losing his baby and having Tracey turn away from him, even blaming him for the loss of their child, was almost too much, even for a strong man like Willie. He’s suffering now. Let him get through this before you come back into his life.”

“I don’t agree, but I do understand. Do you mind if I visit him one last time?”

“You go right ahead, honey. Talk to him. I pray that he will hear your words.” Mrs. Cartwright’s steadying faith seemed to have been shaken by her daughter’s doubts and fears.

Susan approached the bed with trepidation. Fearing she would break down, she placed her hand over his, bowed her head, and spoke as if he was awake and listening.

“Hello, darling. I couldn’t work this morning for thinking of you. I love you so much. You must hear me. I know you do. Please try and come back to us. So many people are praying for your recovery but I, most of all, need you back. There’s so much I want to tell you, and if you’ll let me, I want to love you for the rest of my life.” She touched her lips to his stiff, bloated fingers.

Mrs. Whitehead was waiting outside the door. “Miss Cross, please keep coming to see him. Will loves you more than any of them know. I saw it in his eyes. I heard it when he spoke of you. Please visit him and talk to him. Amy and I are sure he’ll hear you.”

“Mrs. Whitehead, you don’t have to beg me to see him. I want to be with him more than anything in the world, every minute for the rest of my life, but I can’t take the risk that Jean might be right. What if hearing my voice upsets him further?”

Mrs. Whitehead took her arm and guided her to the far end of the room. “I don’t want you to abandon him now. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. None of us do, but if you love him, and I can assure you that he loves you, the two of you will be very happy together. Jean is very protective of Will, always has been. I’m sure she thinks you not being here is best, but I know better. You put the first real smile on Will’s face since his baby died. I saw his joy.”

Susan smiled and took Mrs. Whitehead’s hand. “Please let me know how he’s doing.”

“I’ll call you every day.”

Jean stepped in front of them. “I’m sorry, but I can’t help the way I feel. My brother is very important to me. He’s a kind, generous man who has been taken advantage of more times than I can count. I don’t know you, but I know you hurt him, and that alone makes me feel that it’s best for you to stay away.”

“No need for further explanations. You’re certainly entitled to your feelings.” Susan was hurt and angry and this time, unable to control her emotions. She responded in kind: “Just as I would have to live with knowing I caused him harm, you’ll have to live with knowing that I might have helped him recover. Love is a wonderful thing, and I couldn’t love your brother more than I do.”

Not waiting for a response, she brushed past Jean and the rest of the family and hurried to the elevator.

* * *

Unable to sleep, Susan called her mother. As expected, Tammy was livid.

“Who does this woman think she is? Don’t listen to her. If Will’s mother and father want you to visit him, you go ahead and do it. Tell his sister to go to hell. If you’re not up to the task, I’ll gladly come to Houston and do it for you.”

“I can’t do that, Mother. She’s only doing what she thinks is best. I’ll just wait and see how things go. I pray that he’ll wake up and be able to make decisions for himself. Will is not like any other man I’ve known. If I never have a chance to tell him how I feel, I’ll have regrets for the rest of my life.”

Angie called later, also outraged at Susan’s story.

“I can’t believe this. How could it possibly harm him for you to be there? Is she so blind she can’t see how much that man loves you? So the Cedargrove thing wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t your fault either, but you were hurt personally and professionally. If you hadn’t been strong enough to go in there and defend your position, this mess could have ruined your career.”

“She doesn’t know that, and she doesn’t know me. Honestly, I would probably feel the same way if Bobby or Charles was lying in that bed.” Susan chose a softer subject and relived her brother’s wedding in hilarious detail. Before the call ended, Angie laughed and so did she.

Lying back on the bed, she pressed her hands to her throbbing temples. “I let him go because I feared the uncertainty of a minister’s life. Now he’s dying and I can’t even be with him. I cheated him and myself. Right now, being in control doesn’t mean a thing. Pain comes when you least expect it, and you fall in love when you’d rather not. Maybe the only certainty is uncertainty.”