Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them.: A Collection Of New Essays (15 page)

“Right, I’d like to welcome you all tonight. It’s been an exciting year at the bank. We have a few new faces and said goodbye to a few old ones. Tonight is to thank those who have been with us  for many years so without, any, um, further ado...” He tucked the microphone under his arm while unfolding a piece of paper and putting on a pair of reading glasses.

“We have four people celebrating decade milestones this year. First up, Margaret Yoder has been with the bank twenty years. Come on up, Margaret.”

The audience clapped as Margaret leapt excitedly onto the stage and accepted her framed certificate. She held it over her head like she’d just won a silver dish at the Wimbledon women’s finals as a friend of hers took a photo. You’re probably thinking I’m exaggerating and if not, I should feel bad for belittling something that means so much to someone. You’d be wrong on both accounts. Margaret leapt off stage with her hands held high and her legs tucked up behind her. She froze mid jump and the chorus from ‘Can’t Stop Us Now’ played. Okay, that last bit was exaggerated but it was kind of like that.

“Thank you, Margaret. Next up, we have the first of two thirty-year veterens, Nora Peterson. Nora has been a teller since starting at the bank in 1984. Wow, 1984, it only seems like a blink of an eye ago, doesn’t it? “

Nora climbed the stage to collect her framed thirty year certificate as people clapped and nodded agreement to each other that 1984 did indeed seem like only a blink of an eye ago. Most of them had the same haircut they had in 1984. And 1974. Nora didn’t seem quite as impressed as Margaret had been with her certificate. Her first name was misspelt as Norp. She smiled gracefully but it seemed a bit forced. A few people had to rush to steady her as she stumbled on the steps leaving the stage.

“Our second ‘thirty yearer’ is Grace Chapman. Grace isn’t here tonight as she is in hospital having surgery on her knee but we’re sure she will be back behind the counter in no time. Let’s all take a moment to send a prayer her way.”

The bank president clasped his hands at his crotch and lowered his head with his eyes closed. Everyone in the crowd did the same thing.

“Dear Father, we ask you to cast a special eye over one of your flock tonight.”

“What the fuck?” I asked Holly.

“Shhh.”

“We pray that Grace’s knee surgery will go well without any complications or infections and that she has a speedy recovery. Thank you, Lord. Amen.”

The prayer lasted almost long enough for me to slip behind the bar and get an Amstel Light - and the bottle opener because it wasn’t a twist-off. Tim opened his eyes to discover me mid pop. I thought it was the rules that everyone had to keep their eyes closed until after the Amen bit. I have no idea how these things work as these things aren’t done in Australia.

In Australia, if someone suggested everyone at a function prayed, there would be a fair amount of laughter and someone would yell, “Good one, dickhead.”

“I’ll accept the certificate on Grace’s behalf and get right to our final certificate recipient, Sue McKenzie. This is Sue’s fiftieth year at the bank starting as a teller in 1964. In 1987, she was promoted to the loan application department where she has been ever since. Come on up, Sue.”

The audience clapped. Sue beamed - which stepped her teeth-baring up a notch - and, with some assistance, climbed the steps. She waited patiently while the president’s personal secretary whispered something in his ear. He nodded and turned back to the microphone.

“Um, we seem to have misplaced Sue’s certificate. If everyone could have a quick look around their tables and seats... No?  Well, I’m sure it will turn up. Thank you, Sue.”