Lookin' For Luv (49 page)
Authors: Carl Weber
Before Tyrone could answer, Antoine was babbling again.
“What did you guys think about Shawna?”
“She was all right. I really didn’t get to know her that well.” Kevin wondered why Antoine was acting so strangely paranoid.
“Would you have gone out with her if you met her first?” Antoine continued to interrogate the men.
“I don’t know, Antoine, that’s your ex-girl. I never looked at her that way.” Kevin wrinkled his brow in confusion as he answered.
“What way? You didn’t think she was attractive? Or you didn’t think she was a woman?”
“Hold on a minute, Kevin.” Tyrone stopped his friend from answering. He was worried about the bizarre way Antoine was acting. “Antoine, are you okay? You’re acting a little strange, man.”
Usually, of the three of them, Antoine was the most rational and the most logical. He wasn’t prone to ranting the way he was then. This behavior was way out of character for his friend, who usually made so much sense.
“What’s going on, Antoine? And don’t bullshit me,” Kevin demanded.
“Look, I’ve got a problem and I really want to talk to you guys about it.” Antoine cupped both hands around his face and sighed. “It’s just that it’s so embarrassing.” He suddenly felt sick again as another image of him and Shawna kissing flashed across his mind.
“Look, man, you don’t have to be embarrassed around us. We’re your brothers. We’re not going to laugh at you.” Kevin gave Tyrone a dirty look. “Right, Tyrone?”
“Listen, Antoine, I know I joke around a lot, but I also know when to be serious. I know tonight is not the night to be joking you. Believe it or not, I can be sensitive once in a while too.” Tyrone smiled kindly. He wished there were some way he could help his friend out of the obvious pain he was in.
The thought of telling his friends he had been intimate with a man for the better part of a year made Antoine feel nauseated. But the thought of living with the knowledge alone made him feel worse. His friends’ kind words had made him feel that he could trust them with his horrible secret. Finally he got his stomach under control and wiped away his tears.
“I don’t even know how to tell you guys this—” He was still trying to get the words out.
“Hey, brother, just say what’s on your mind,” Tyrone replied gently, trying to help. He went to stand beside his friend as a show of moral support in this obviously difficult time.
“I think I might be gay.” He couldn’t look them in the eye.
Both Kevin and Tyrone were stunned into silence. Kevin was so shocked that he unconsciously took a few steps backward.
“Look, Antoine, I’m not into that gay shit. So if this is a joke, it ain’t funny,” Kevin told him seriously.
Instinctively he knew Antoine would not be the one to play a joke as deep as this, but he wished his friend would say he was only kidding. For all of his promises of support for Antoine, he wasn’t sure he could handle this.
“I said I think I might be gay. I’m just a little confused about a few things and was hoping you two might help me figure it out.” Antoine’s words were defensive. He could hear the homophobia in every one of Kevin’s words and wished he had kept his mouth shut.
“What would make you think you were gay? I mean, you like women. Don’t you?” Kevin asked, searching for any way to help his friend conclude he was straight. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to maintain this friendship if he thought Antoine was really gay. “And what do you mean by ‘figure it out’?” he continued. “I’m tellin’ you, Antoine. I’m not into that gay shit.”
“Sit down, Kevin,” Tyrone demanded, suddenly taking charge of the situation. He was appalled at Kevin’s sudden lack of support.
“Antoine is supposed to be our best friend, our brother, and you’re treating him like piece of shit. You should be ashamed of yourself, man.” Kevin sat down without a word.
“Now, what the hell would make you think you were gay? You’re about as gay as I am.” Tyrone turned his attention toward Antoine.
“Would you say being in a relationship with a man for the better part of a year would classify you as gay, or at least bisexual?”
“Yes, I would, but are you telling us you’ve been having a relationship with a man that we didn’t know about?” Tyrone was totally confused. “How’d you have time between Shawna and Keisha?”
“I didn’t. That’s just it. I just found out tonight that Shawna’s a fucking man!” Antoine shouted. A rush of relief swept over him as the words finally came out. He looked at his friends for a response, but they just stared at him in shocked silence.
“Now, that’s some deep shit,” Tyrone finally said, not quite sure what else he could say after a revelation like that.
“He didn’t say what I think he said, did he?” Kevin asked Tyrone in a monotone. His eyes never left Antoine’s face.
“I said Shawna’s a man,” Antoine repeated. The words came easier the second time, as if he were lifting an enormous chain from around his whole being. “Can you believe it? I was dating a chick with a dick and didn’t even know it.”
Both Kevin and Tyrone sat silently as Antoine began to recount the events as they had unfolded at Shawna’s apartment. Kevin felt shame for the conclusions he had jumped to just minutes earlier when his friend had first mentioned the word “gay.” After Antoine had been given a chance to explain his fears about his own sexuality, Kevin knew without a doubt that the fears were unfounded. His friend was not gay.
Hearing his story, Kevin could understand how Antoine would temporarily lose his mind. He was glad his friend had not actually acted on his murderous thoughts, but he could understand the rush to violence. And he could understand the paranoia Antoine was experiencing. Both Kevin and Tyrone knew they would have to rally around their friend to help him through this very emotional time.
“Like I said before, that’s deep.” Tyrone broke the silence. He lit a cigarette and took a long drag before he continued. “She sure had me fooled. Usually when I meet a tall chick, I check for an Adam’s apple. But she was pretty good, ’cause the few times I’ve been around her, I never spotted the slightest bulge in her neck.”
“No, Tyrone, there were some signs,” Kevin interjected. “We just never looked for them. I remember when I was dating Alicia she used to always say that there was something strange about Shawna. And what about at the Men’s Club? Remember what that Amed guy said to Billy? ‘I didn’t know you were into her type, Big Daddy.’ The signs were there. We just never really looked for them.”
“I can’t believe I was such a fool. Her hands were bigger than mine. I should have guessed right away!” Antoine cried.
“I don’t know what to say, Antoine, except I feel for you, man. If it was me, I would have broken every bone in her goddamn body.” Kevin looked at his friend sympathetically. “Damn, if it was me who was dating a man, I would have taken this information to my grave.”
“Hold on a minute, Antoine.” Tyrone stood up and walked over to his friend, taking a drag on his cigarette before crushing it in a nearby ashtray. “First of all, you’re not gay. In order for you to be gay, or even bisexual, you would have to have known that she was a man and accepted the relationship for what it was. Second, if I had met her first, I would have tried to hook up with her. So you’re not gay. We’re all stupid.”
“He’s right, Antoine. We all thought she was a woman.” Kevin patted his friend on the back. “Look, I’m sorry about the way I jumped on you when you said you thought you were gay. I let you down when you needed my support. Maybe I’m not always as mature as I think I am.”
“That’s all right. I’m not as mature as I think I am either.” Antoine stood up and stretched, walking over to the picture of Keisha on his table. “All I can do is think about myself while poor Keisha’s downstairs worried about if she’s going to raise a baby by herself. Serves me right for finding out about Shawna. I was an asshole for even going over there when I knew Keisha needed me.”
“Yeah, you were,” Tyrone replied with brutal honesty. “That woman loves you, Antoine. But you never gave her a real shot because inside you wanted to be with Shawna.”
“I gave her a chance—”
“Who you fooling, Antoine? Yourself maybe, ‘cause you’re not foolin’ me.” Tyrone reached into his wallet and took out a picture of his girls. “You fucked up, Antoine, just like I fucked up when I got my daughters’ mothers pregnant. Now it’s time to make up for that mistake and be a good father.”
“Tyrone, I’m not even sure if I’m in love with Keisha.”
“You don’t have to be in love with her to be a father. You just have to be a man. Go downstairs and talk to her, man. Tell her exactly how you feel. Then work on your problems. If you two don’t stay together, then, so be it. Just take care of your child. I promise it’ll be worth your while.”
“Thanks, man.” Antoine wrapped his arm around Tyrone in a hug. “I needed to hear that. I’m just glad I heard it from you.”
“No problem, brother. Listen, I have to get back to Sylvia. She’s getting the rest of her things out of her house. It’ll be just my luck Maurice will make bail while she’s in the house by herself. Who knows what else he’s crazy enough to do.”
“I better get back too. Alicia’s probably getting worried,” Kevin added, looking at his watch.
“Alicia?” Tyrone gave Kevin a strange look, then smiled. “Talk about a blast from the past. When’d you hook up with her?”
“About a month ago. I was waiting to see if everything was gonna work out before telling y’all.”
“Well, is it?” Tyrone asked.
“Better than I coulda ever imagined.”
“What about that order of protection?”
“She had it rescinded.”
“Well, I hope she finally gave you some?” Tyrone looked skeptical.
“A gentlemen never tells.” Kevin smiled from ear to ear. Tyrone shook his head, laughing as he walked down the steps to Kevin’s car.
“I hope you know what you’re doin’, Kev. I like Alicia, but you know what happened last time,” Antoine cautioned.
“I know, Antoine, but things are different this time. Alicia’s changed a lot.” Kevin patted Antoine on the back. “And so have I.” He followed Tyrone down the steps.
“Listen, guys, I really appreciate what you’ve done for me tonight. Every man should have friends like you,” Antoine told them.
Antoine watched his friends leave and looked up at the star-filled night sky, saying a small prayer of thanks for his friends. After how they supported him tonight, he knew he could not ask for better men by his side. With the newfound strength that their conversation had given him, he resolved to face Keisha. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he was willing to deal with her anger at his betrayal. He was willing to be a man and take care of his responsibilities.
He walked down the block, heading for an all-night deli. As he entered the shop, he smiled at the Korean man behind the register and went straight to the assortment of flower arrangements near the back. He picked out a small bunch of lilies, Keisha’s favorite flower, then headed back toward Keisha’s apartment. He was unsure of what was about to take place. It was entirely possible that she would still be too angry to even let him in the door. He hoped that she would invite him in though, because he felt confident that they could work things out to do right by this child. He knocked timidly, holding the flowers in front of him.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me, Antoine.”
“Why didn’t you use your key?” Keisha opened the door with major attitude.
“I was afraid you might not want to see me. But I brought a peace offering. I thought you might like these.” He raised the flowers to her and smiled humbly. Keisha tried to hold back a smile as she grabbed the flowers from him.
“This doesn’t change anything, ya know. I’m still gonna have this baby whether you like it or not.”
She turned to walk away but left the door open, and Antoine took it as a sign to enter. He followed her into the living room and sat next to her on the couch.
“I know nothing’s changed, sweetheart. I guess you just caught me off guard earlier. The last thing I was expecting was for you to tell me that you’re pregnant. But I’m here now, and I’m always going to be here.” He kissed her.
“Oh, Antoine, I just want us to be happy. I love you so much and I want you to be happy that I’m carrying your baby.”
She was so happy about his change of heart that she could no longer keep the attitude she had been trying to use to punish him. She threw her arms around him.
“I’m happy too, but I’m not going to lie. I’m a little confused about us.” He gave her a little squeeze, then looked into her eyes. “Keisha, I love that you’re a beautiful, bright woman. But I’m just not sure if I’m in love with you.” He braced himself for a smack, but it never came.
“I understand,” she said, looking up at him sadly. “You need more time. I know I can’t force you to love me. Just promise me you’ll be around when the baby needs you.”
“I’m going to do the best I can, Keisha.”
They sat silently for a while, both trying to collect their thoughts.
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