Looking for Alex (22 page)

‘Hello,’ I say, to her, not Pete.

‘I’m surprised you remembered the way,’ Jenny’s saying, and I register with surprise that Pete has been here before. He says something about having a photographic memory.

‘Beth was making some sandwiches. I suppose we’ve enough bread for two more. Have you eaten?’

Pete says no, they haven’t, and that would be great, if it isn’t too much trouble. He’s being studiously polite. I turn and walk into the house, followed by Fitz and Alex. We can hear Pete and Jenny talking outside. I go back to making sandwiches, glad to have something to do, anything to avoid Alex’s eyes, last night’s phone-call too fresh in my mind for me to put on a show of being pleased to see her. She loiters by the doorway, only just this side of it, clearly unsure of her welcome.

‘Have you driven from London?’ I ask.

‘No,’ she says, ‘we were with a friend of Pete’s, not far from here.’

‘Oh.’ I reach for the breadknife and begin sawing at Jenny’s dense homemade bread. ‘They’re ham and cheese, some of each. Is that all right?’

‘Beth, you know I eat anything. Why are you being so weird?’

‘I’m not being weird.’

‘Yes, you are! You won’t even look at me.’

I throw her a quick glance. ‘What did you expect, after accusing us of—?’

‘I knew it! I knew you’d be still thinking that. I wasn’t accusing you of anything, just that you might have been keeping it safe.’

‘Well, we’re not,’ I say, beginning another slice. ‘We never had it.’

‘All right, I believe you.
We
believe you.’

‘So why are you here?’

There’s a long pause, during which I wish I hadn’t said that; it sounds so grudging. Alex plonks herself down at the table and I hear her start fiddling with the salt and pepper pots, two little black and white Homepride men. As she moves them backwards and forwards and bumps them together I want to warn her to be careful with them, that they belonged to Jenny’s mother. I bite my tongue.

‘What is it Pete wants, Alex?’ Fitz asks.

‘You’re so suspicious! He doesn’t want anything. We just came to say hello. Is that a good enough reason?’

I begin to butter the bread, wondering if this is some sort of apology for the phone-call, listening intently as she and Fitz talk.

‘Bit of a gamble, to come all this way without checking first?’

‘Yeah, well, I wanted him to ring but he said if you were out we’d just hang around.’

‘Whose car is it?’ Fitz asks.

‘Pete borrowed it, off his parents. We stayed with them for a couple of days.’

‘You went all that way? They live in Shropshire, don’t they?’

‘Mmm…could be.’ I allow myself a smile. Geography is not Alex’s strong point. ‘We got the train to a place called Ludlow and they picked us up from the station. They’ve got this incredible house. It’s miles from anywhere. They’ve got horses and tennis courts, and a swimming pool with a sauna. It’s like something out of a film.’

Fitz whistles. ‘I knew they were well off but not that much. Are they very grand?’

Alex pulls a face. ‘She’s okay. A bit stuck up but quite funny. His dad hardly cracked a smile the whole time we were there and he acts like some sort of country squire, even though they lived in London half their life. Two days was enough — that’s all Pete could stand. I heard him and his dad having a right go at each other just before we left.’ She stops suddenly, as if she’s said too much. ‘I don’t think they approve.’

‘Of what, exactly?’

She hesitates. ‘I mean the whole hippy thing, not anything else. They don’t know what he’s up to, really. They think he imports knick-knacks from India and sells them on the market.’

‘Not far off,’ Fitz says, his voice thick with irony. ‘They don’t get to see him much, do they?’

‘Hardly ever,’ she says. ‘They hate London now. They just like being in the country with their dogs and horses, going to shows and things. I think they go hunting. Pete can’t stand all that. Actually I don’t think he’s been home for a while. There was some big falling out.’

‘Were they all right with you?’

‘Yeah. Why wouldn’t they be?’

‘Just wondering what they’d think, him turning up with a seventeen-year-old girlfriend?’

If I’d said that Alex would have thought I had some agenda, but because it’s Fitz she doesn’t bat an eyelid.

‘They took it in their stride,’ she says airily. ‘Anyway, I told them I was twenty-one and they seemed to buy it. I think his dad liked me.’

‘So after that you went to Pete’s friend?’ I ask, getting plates out of the cupboard.

‘Yep, then down here today.’

‘That’s a lot of miles,’ Fitz says, ‘just to stay out the way of some thugs.’

‘It’s been a nice break. In the country, away from it all.’ Pete steps into the kitchen from the shadowy porch. It’s his party trick, I think, listening in on conversations. He looks at me. ‘Jenny’s gone to pick some tomatoes. She said to make some tea and she’ll be five minutes.’

Pete wanders round, picking things up and examining them, making the place his own in a way that I resent even though it isn’t mine. I fill the kettle, get some mugs out, then lean back against the warmth of the little range, not sure what to do or say next. Alex begins to drum her fingers on the table as an awkward silence grows.

‘So Michael’s fishing, then?’ Pete says. ‘Shame we won’t see him.’ I see Alex look at him, open her mouth, and then think better of whatever it was she was going to say. ‘When are you two planning to go back? Maybe we could give you a lift.’

‘No. Thanks.’ I say it quickly. ‘We’re staying until Tuesday.’

I see surprise register on Alex’s face. She comes over to the sink, finds a clean glass on the drainer and gets some water from the tap. ‘You’re staying here till Tuesday? Aren’t your parents expecting you back?’

‘They think I’m still in Minehead. It’s all fine.’

She raises her eyebrows and drinks down half the water in one go. Pete sits down next to Fitz, asks him what we’ve been up to here.

‘You’ll be going back to school soon,’ Alex says quietly.

‘Yes.’

‘What’s going to happen?’ She nods briefly over her shoulder at Fitz.

‘We’ll work something out. We’ve got a few ideas.’

She grips my arm suddenly. ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’

‘What?’

‘Not now. On our own, later.’ Her eyes glitter. ‘God, I’m glad we came. I felt bad after that phone-call. I didn’t want to fall out with you, Beth.’ A wide grin lights up her face and there’s an air of excitement about her; I haven’t seen her like that since the day I arrived in London. Things can’t be that bad with Pete, I think. Maybe I was misjudging him all the time; maybe the bruise was accidental. I smile as a rush of relief sweeps away the continual need to worry. Alex is okay. And we are friends again.

*

We take the tea and sandwiches outside and sit around in rickety, faded deckchairs. The conversation is random and scattered, and a little strained. I mostly stay quiet, to avoid giving Pete any reason for a sarcastic comment, plotting how to get Alex on her own, trying to imagine what news she has. She seemed so excited and pleased that I push away what had been my first thought, of her being pregnant; I can’t see her being over the moon about that. Could she have spoken to her mother? That might be something she hasn’t told Pete and doesn’t want him to know.

After we’ve eaten, Pete produces some weed and rolls a joint. He passes it round. I take a little and it goes straight to my head, just like that first time in Empire Road. Jenny refuses, which leads to her telling Pete and Alex about the baby. I watch Alex closely then, but she doesn’t seem more interested than you’d expect.

Later in the afternoon a breeze springs up. Cotton-wool clouds begin to gather in the sky so that the sun keeps disappearing, and the warmth with it. At five o’clock Pete stands up and says they should be going.

‘Jenny,’ he says, ‘I think I left a sleeping bag here last time — a good one. I could do with taking it back.’

They go off into the house to look.

‘Fitz,’ I say. ‘Why don’t you pick some apples for Alex and Pete to take back with them?’

He rolls his head towards me. His eyes are hidden by shades but I think they’re closed; he’s quite stoned. ‘Good idea,’ he says, but he doesn’t move.

‘Come on, Alex, we’ll get some ourselves.’ I lead her round the side of the house, to where Fitz stashed the apples he’d picked in a wooden crate. I find a little plastic container and put some in.

‘They’re lovely, really sweet.’

‘Great, thanks,’ she says. Quickly, impulsively, she moves nearer and hugs me, and my own arms close around her, the box of apples still in one hand.

When she lets go I say, ‘What were you going to tell me?’

Her eyes light up. ‘Listen to this—’

We’re interrupted by the sound of raised voices. Or at least, Jenny’s is the raised one. Pete’s can be heard more faintly, persuasive, cajoling. Alex and I stand rooted to the ground, staring at each other. I hear Jenny shouting at Pete to go, to get out, and I glance up at the window, as though I’ll see what’s happening. When I look back at Alex there’s a slow flush spreading over her cheeks. She puts her hands out for the apples.

‘We’d better go,’ she says.

I shove the apples at her and walk quickly round to the porch.

Fitz is there before me and inside, then up the stairs, two at a time. I follow him to the doorway of Jenny’s bedroom. Pete and Jenny stand facing each other in front of a pile of sleeping bags; Jenny has her arms folded across her chest, defensively, Pete just inches away from her. She’s as tall as him and probably not far off in weight, so I don’t think Fitz’s next action has so much to do with defending Jenny as with the build-up of rage in him. He crosses the room and lands a punch on the side of Pete’s face, his fist connecting with a dull thwack. Instantly Pete turns, catches Fitz’s arm in a strong grip and thumps him hard in the stomach. Fitz doubles over, choking. I run to hold him as Pete’s fist comes up again. ‘Leave him!’ I scream. His fist catches me, but not hard, as he’s already seen what’s about to happen and slows it down. It glances off my chin.

‘Pete, that’s enough!’ Alex stands in the doorway, glaring at him.

‘Alex, look at me.’ Alex’s eyes slowly turn towards Jenny. ‘I don’t know you very well, but I do know that you’re out of your depth. You’d be better off staying here with us.’

‘None of your business, Jenny.’ Pete holds his hand over his cheek as he speaks.

Jenny raises her eyebrows, still looking at Alex.

‘It’s all fine,’ Alex says, in a dull voice.

‘So you knew he was going to ask for money?’Jenny says. I feel a jolt of surprise, and look for the same on Alex’s face. It’s as blank as her voice. ‘Pete just asked me for a loan, to pay off his debts. When I said no he didn’t like it.’

‘That’s crap.’

Jenny ignores Pete. ‘He owes money and he’s frightened. That means trouble, of some sort. If you really can’t go home to your parents, Alex, then just stay here.’

‘Oh, Christ, don’t be so fucking ridiculous.’ Pete spits the words out. ‘I just asked, Jenny. You said no and I try a little harder then you start screaming at me. End of story. The result being that my friend here thinks I’m raping you.’

‘Alex.’ She turns towards me. ‘Jenny’s right. Don’t go back, stay here.’

Pete gives a huge, deliberate sigh. ‘Jesus, here she goes, little Miss Whinger. Look, I think you all know that I can look after myself, and Alex too.’ He looks across at her. ‘Let’s go.’ He leaves the room, feet thudding on the stairs.

‘Alex, please stay. Or come home with me. My parents will help you sort something out.’

‘No.’ She has her stubborn mouth on. ‘You don’t get it. He’s okay. You all see the bad side of him because that’s what you provoke, but he is good to me. Once we get this money thing sorted out it’ll be fine. He said he’s going to stop dealing and get a job, then there’ll be no more trouble.’

‘Yeah, and pigs will fly.’ Fitz speaks with a ragged voice, his breath coming quick and shallow. ‘Pete won’t change. You need to know that, Alex.’

‘That’s rubbish. You don’t know him like I do. I’m not listening to this.’

She turns and walks out. Jenny says something to me but I need to make sure of something. I clatter down the stairs after Alex and out of the house in time to see her getting into the car. I run over and lean both hands on the open window before she can wind it up.

‘You knew he was going to ask for money, didn’t you? That’s the only reason you came — nothing to do with feeling bad, or not wanting to fall out.’

‘Oh, fuck.’ Pete rolls his eyes. ‘Can we just go, please?’

‘All right, I knew.’ Alex stares up at me, her eyes liquid with tears. ‘But it’s true that I wanted to make it up with you. You and Fitz, though, you’re so…together. So against us.’

‘I’m not against you,’ I say.

She gives a huffing, disbelieving sort of noise and tugs at the handle of the window, begins to wind it up. At first I resist, pressing my hands down as the glass slowly rises, but then I take them away because there’s nothing else to say. Pete starts the engine and backs up, then drives off up the track at a speed that sets the car bouncing crazily. I watch them all the way until they round a bend and are out of sight.

*

On our last night we’re all invited to a party down the road in a neighbour’s field, where a huge bonfire crackles and spits flames up into the sky. There’s a chill in the air and people huddle round the fire in small groups; I sit hugging my knees on a blanket on the ground, sharing a bottle of wine with Fitz. There’s music and dancing, lots of drink, a fair amount of cannabis and plenty of food. It’s a good party but I’m weighed down by too many black thoughts to enjoy it. I stare at the ground, dumb with misery at how things finished between Alex and me, hardly able to believe that she’s still choosing to be with Pete.

Yesterday Jenny, Fitz and I discussed things endlessly, deciding that the row with Pete’s father must have been about money. When that failed he went to try and scrounge off his friends, who either gave him nothing or not enough. Then, desperate, he thought of Jenny. This was the version we gave to Michael when we told him what had happened. His face fell.