Looking for Andrew McCarthy (29 page)

Police Constable Millstone leaned over the telephone, still feeling absolutely ridiculous. They taught you how to brush off abuse at Hendon. But they didn’t tell you what to do if you were the one making yourself feel a prat. Checking there was no-one close by in the open-plan office, she started to dial 9 … 00 … 1 … 562 …

‘It looked easy in the films!’ Ellie was yelling.

‘EVERYTHING looks easy in the films. You stupid, stupid girl! You could have killed all of us!’

‘I’m SORRY okay? I thought …’

‘You didn’t think anything,’ hollered Julia. ‘You never do. That’s why we’re all here on this ridiculous wild goose chase.’

‘I had been thinking actually,’ said Ellie, petulantly. ‘I was giving it all up to try and make you happy.’

‘By crashing a car. I see.’

‘NO. I was … I was going to give up this quest actually and try and make everyone have a good time.’

Julia looked at her.

‘Yeah right.’

Then she said something under her breath.

‘What did you say?’ asked Ellie dangerously.

‘Nothing.’ Arthur started forward protectively.

‘WHAT DID YOU SAY?’

‘I SAID, WE’RE JUST ALL SICK OF HAVING TO MOTHER YOU, OKAY?’

There was a terrible deadly silence. Ellie turned and ran off into the trees. The others followed more slowly.

‘I didn’t mean to say that,’ said Julia sulkily. Arthur shot her a sharp look.

‘Are you the actor Andrew McCarthy?’ the voice asked. It was sensible-sounding, although he thought he detected a bit of a wobble.

‘Ngnff,’ said Hatsie, warily. Whoever this was, it wasn’t someone that knew enough about showbiz to go through his agents.

‘Do you know where I might be able to find that actor?’

‘Just because they have the same
name
?’ thought Hatsie.

‘I’m sorry Sir. I’m phoning from the Metropolitan Police in London and we’re trying to follow up some leads to find …’

‘Ellie unghf Julia.’

The voice was beyond surprised.

‘You’ve met Ellie Eversholt, Sir?’

‘Nuh huh. Nofor ghel truF?’

‘No Sir, she’s not in any trouble. We just have to find her, that’s all. We just need to, to contact them about a situation back here at home.’

With difficulty, Hatsie managed to communicate as much as he knew about the duo’s intended path.

Officer Millstone spoke to her superior.

‘Sir, we’ve got leads.’

‘Okay, inform the FBI. Christ, I can’t believe there’s this much fuss for one missing person.’

‘She’s the only living kin Sir.’

‘Hmpf.’ He thought about this for a second. ‘Well, it’s going to help our figures, I suppose.’

‘Yes Sir.’

‘Well done.’

‘I’d still better warn the actor, Sir. Just in case we miss her.’

Ellie sat on a tree stump, shaking furiously. Of everything, this was the most unforgivable. Of course, she had been stupid thinking she could drive the car – although she genuinely had thought it would be easy – but they were never going to believe now that after her pig epiphany she had been planning on turning over a new leaf. They would, in fact, think she’d bumped her head in the crash.

Julia was feeling equally terrible. Of course she must have been partly in shock to say such an awful thing but, she suspected, there might be just a
tad
of jealousy mixed in there …

‘I’m sooo sorry,’ she said as she approached. ‘Hedgehog, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.’

Ellie turned, in tears. ‘But I’m
trying
to be a grown-up. Why do you think I’m out here? I’m
trying
to find out how to do things properly and not cock things up. I’d even decided to go back and look after my dad and everything. Then sometimes I
just do stupid things to fuck it up, but I did think it would be okay.’

‘Nobody’s hurt,’ said Julia. ‘It could have been funny really.’

‘Not really,’ said Ellie.

‘Well, okay, not funny as such. But it’s okay.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Ellie.

‘No, I am,’ said Julia. ‘I’ve been a cow. I’m sorry.’

Ellie stood up and they embraced for a long time.

‘So … you and Andrew eh?’ said Julia gruffly, pulling apart. ‘That’s … great.’

Ellie stared at her like she was daft.

‘But I was leaving him for you!’ she said. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to explain! You can have him: I was going to be far too grown-up to let him come between our friendship!’

Andrew II pushed himself off the trunk he’d been leaning against.

‘What?’ he said. The girls had completely forgotten he was there.

‘WHAT?’ he said again. ‘So I’m … I’m some kind of competition to you?’

His blue eyes were flashing. He was clearly furious.

‘No,’ said Ellie in a small voice.

‘Jesus. I thought you were different, you know, interesting. Not fucking whacko.’

He surveyed the two of them.

‘Some kind of spot the foreigner competition. Little “shagging” of the locals? Well, I’m in no particular mood to be colonized today, okay? And if the car’s all right, I’m going to – what the hell is it you bloody British say – bid you fine ladies “bye-bye”.’

And he stormed furiously off.

Police Constable Saria Millstone was feeling odd – i.e. she’d acted on a completely dumb idea but something good had come of it. Now, however, she was stuck back on the phone to the agency in California.

After being put on hold for the ninth time, she was amazed finally to hear a voice on the other end of the line. Of course, it was only voicemail. She stared at her reflection in the partition once again and admitted to herself that perhaps Andrew McCarthy wasn’t going to fall in love with her over the phone after all.

‘Hello – this is Police Constable Millstone from the Metropolitan Police in London. We have reason to believe that there are two women, Ellie Eversholt and Julia Denford, who are trying to contact your client, Andrew McCarthy. It is imperative if your client comes across these women that you contact us
immediately. My number is 01 44 20 7555 7628 … thank you.’

She replaced the phone, thinking, one, those fancy LA folks are going to completely ignore that, and two, dammit, dammit, dammit. She wished she were looking for him too.

It was bad luck that Andrew McCarthy’s agent was on holiday. And that the messages were being picked up by the temp. Who was on her first placement in a legitimate film business operation ever since coming to LA to try and make it in the dog grooming world after seeing
The Accidental Tourist
as a child.

‘Oh my GAWD,’ she squealed, then listened to the message for the third time. Then she pressed through to her supervisor.

‘Marcia?’ she breathed. ‘I think we got ourselves a stalker situation!’

‘Great,’ said Marcia. ‘This is going to make him
such
hot property!’

Ellie sat back down on the tree stump and burst into tears as they heard the Thunderbird sputter a little, then head off into the distance.

Arthur was freaked. Two crazy women on his
hands, one car and night was drawing in. He sighed and decided that for the rest of the trip they were going to concentrate on hot baths, cocktails and not a hell of a lot else.

‘Come on,’ he said, to no-one in particular. ‘Pull yourself together.’

‘No way,’ said Loxy. ‘This is not happening.’

‘It’s the only place I can afford,’ whined Colin. ‘I don’t care. I’m absolutely not staying there.’

‘Are you going to leave me?’ said Colin, widening his eyes.

‘Look, for Christ’s sake … I’m sure we’d be able to find a cheap hotel.’

‘Ain’t no cheap hotels in New Yoik,’ said the cab driver, chuckling.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’

Loxy stared fiercely out of the window as the cab drew to a halt.

‘Here you go, gennlemen. The YMCA.’

‘You can get a good meal,’ he added, cheerfully.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Julia, again.

‘No, I am,’ said Ellie, sniffing mightily.

I love you,’ said Julia.

‘I love you too,’ said Ellie. Arthur joined them for a group hug.

‘Just as well,’ he said over Ellie’s shoulder, ‘Because here come the police.’

The cops were circling the vehicle, kicking the tyres. When they saw three tear-stained and grubby-looking people hanging around the trees, they straightened up and looked suspicious.

‘Great big guns!’ whispered Ellie, squeezing Julia’s hand. Julia squeezed back.

‘Is this your vehicle?’

Arthur bit back the urge to say no, they’d just hiked a thousand miles through the woods in sandshoes.

‘Yes,’ they said.

‘It shouldn’t be stopped here. Could you step over to the vehicle please?’

‘Strip search!’ whispered Julia in horror. One member of the party, who shall remain nameless, experienced a quick flash of sexiness momentarily overtaking their fear.

‘Who is the driver of this vehicle?’

‘Should I be grown-up and explain everything?’ said Ellie, dropping both their hands and heading out of the trees.

‘NO!’ said Julia and Arthur in a loud whisper simultaneously. ‘Not that we don’t trust you,’ added Julia.

‘We just don’t trust you not to go to prison,’ said Arthur. He held on tightly to Ellie.

‘It’s me, Officer,’ said Julia, leaving them behind. She went up and stood squarely in front of them.

‘Okay,’ said the taller of the two officers, who looked to have a slight squint. ‘I’m Officer Frog. And this is also Officer Frog. We’re brothers,’ he added quickly.

Ellie’s eyes widened. Even in her emotional state – particularly in her emotional state – Arthur had to pinch her hard to stop her from breaking out in hysterics.

‘Can we see your licence and registration, m’am?’

Julia opened the door and fumbled in the glove compartment.

‘Have you any idea how dangerous it is to be stopped here?’

‘Sorry … it was an accident. We thought we saw an animal on the road …’

‘Wow, look at this Edgar.’ The smaller one picked up the passport. ‘A little pink passport.’

‘Sorry ma’am,’ said Edgar. ‘He’s never seen one of those before.’

‘A British passport?’

‘Any passport.’

‘Well, like I say, we really didn’t mean it …’

‘Have you been drinking?’ demanded the younger cop.

‘Nope.’

‘Would you mind touching your nose with your index finger please.’

‘
What
?’

‘Yes ma’am. It’s to check you haven’t been drinking.’

‘Why don’t you just breathalyse me?’

The younger one squinted uncomfortably.

‘Are you refusing to comply ma’am?’

‘Ohh no,’ said Julia.

‘Go easy on ’em, Allen,’ said the elder. ‘They’re strangers in these parts.’

Ellie and Arthur looked on confused, as Julia touched her nose, watching the policemen very carefully.

‘That’s okay,’ said the policeman.

‘Really? I thought it would mean I was drunk if I was stupid enough to do what you just asked me.’

‘Can you walk toe over toe in a straight line just here?’

‘This is so much more
fun
that at home,’ said Ellie to Arthur. ‘Why don’t they do it this way? Drink driving need not be miserable.’

Edgar leaned over and peered very closely into Julia’s eyes.

‘Mm,’ said Arthur. ‘Strip search!’

‘So, ma’am. You tell us
what
jumped out in front of you?’

Julia looked helplessly at Ellie.

‘Well it
looked
like …’

‘… a groundhog?’ said Ellie helplessly.

‘A what now?’

‘Kind of … half badger, half monkey … ?’ Julia was nodding along feverishly.

‘I don’t think we get many of them round here now do we Edgar?’

‘Did it have a striped tail?’

‘Yes!’ said Julia.

‘Woodchuck,’ said Edgar. Allen nodded mournfully. ‘We’d better get on to the Woodchuck Commission.’

‘Why?’

‘No reason,’ he said mysteriously. ‘And we’re going to have to write you up a ticket.’

‘She should tell him she’ll do
anything
not to get a ticket,’ whispered Arthur to Ellie, who nodded.

‘Oh no, really?’ said Julia. ‘We are just having the
worst
run of luck.’

‘What’s your purpose here ma’am?’

Nobody said anything for the longest time.

‘We were looking for Andrew McCarthy!’ said Ellie. ‘But it went a bit wrong.’

‘You’re looking for
who
?’

‘Andrew McCarthy,’ said Ellie again, rather shamefacedly. ‘The movie star.’