Looking for Andrew McCarthy (26 page)

They parked in a field larger than Balham and slowly crept out. Julia made a mental note of where the car was, but she needn’t have bothered; it was the smallest vehicle around by a factor of about fifty.

Arthur started looking shifty as soon as they left the safety of the vehicle.

‘What’s up with you?’ asked Julia.

‘I don’t know … nothing. Ehm, are you absolutely sure that none of these people are going to kill me?’

‘Of course they aren’t. Just … you know, don’t get off with anyone.’

But they definitely felt distinctly conspicuous – much more so than in LA or even Nevada. They weren’t just figures of curiosity; they were very foreign and very far from home.

Ellie bounced up, Andrew following behind.

‘Hey – I know!’ she called out. ‘Let’s not take part in any competitive shooting games.’

Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a clean-cut young man wearing a button-down shirt and suspiciously ironed-looking chinos materialized.

‘Hi!’ he said, with a wide grin that didn’t reach his eyes. ‘How y’all doin’?’

‘We’re fine thanks,’ said Julia. ‘We’re looking for the biggest pig in the world.’

‘Yeah? You come here for fun and gratification?’

‘Eh?’

‘Oh. Y’all foreign?’

‘Yes, something like that.’

‘Well, can I just ask y’all one thing?’

‘I don’t know – is it about the pig?’

‘Have y’all found Jesus Christ as your personal saviour?’

They fell silent and stared at him. He smiled widely again, displaying rather too many extremely white teeth.

‘Oh,’ said Andrew II. ‘Please excuse my fellow countryman.’

‘As opposed to what?’ said Ellie finally to the chinoed young man. ‘General saviour? Umm … and anyway, aren’t we all supposed to share him?’

‘You know,’ the strange man went on, relentlessly, ‘since I found Jesus Christ as my personal saviour I’ve been a very happy man.’

‘Maybe that’s because he lets you come to funfairs all the time,’ said Ellie.

‘Young man.’ He addressed Arthur ‘Have you given up your life into the hands of our Lord?’

‘No … although I once met a Lord with very nice hands …’

‘THE WORLD IS A SODOM!’ screeched the man suddenly. ‘EVERYTHING FALLS INTO A VILE PIT OF EVIL AND DESTRUCTION! FOR
IT IS EASIER FOR THE CAMEL TO PASS THROUGH THE EYE OF A NEEDLE THAN IT IS FOR THE RICH MAN TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.’

‘Well I’ll be alright then,’ said Ellie.

‘YOU WORSHIP AT THE FALSE IDOLS OF FUN AND SEXUAL INCONTINENCE …’

‘I wish,’ thought Julia, but only to herself.

‘BURGER KING AND IKEA!’

Ellie stopped short, her smile gone.

‘What did he say?’ she demanded.

‘I’m sorry about all this,’ said Andrew. ‘Tends to be a bit of a feature around here.’

‘I’m scared and I want to go home,’ said Arthur.

‘But …’ Ellie shook her head fiercely. Julia, her current Hedgehog-pissed-offishness notwithstanding, took a step forward and touched her lightly on the elbow.

‘But …’ tried Ellie again. ‘That’s kind of exactly what I was thinking.’

Andrew took a step back. ‘Oh, don’t tell me you’re going to run away and start handling rattlesnakes.’

Ellie stared straight ahead, thinking hard.

‘AMERICA HAS LOST ITS WAY!’ the man went on, inexorably.

‘So have I,’ thought Ellie.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Julia.

‘How can I not be worried?’ said Ellie. ‘If all this was just my problem, there might be a solution. If I
share it with the whole of America, the odds go up a bit against ever solving it; this is the country that invented the electric nasal hair trimmer.’

‘Dubose!’ shouted a harsh woman’s voice suddenly. ‘What you doin’ over there, Dubose?’

‘I’m just spreading the Lord’s word, Ferenza.’ The young man pulled on his collar.

A tall, round woman with a grey bun of hair and a floral pinafore came stalking up.

‘Is he bothering you?’

‘Yes,’ said Ellie.

‘Don’t worry about him. He’s just trying to scare yis.’

She turned back to Dubose, who was now staring at the ground, all fire gone out, looking embarrassed.

‘I’m just doin’ what the reverend said, Ferenza.’

‘Yeah, well you can do it without scaring folks half to death. Watch this.’

She turned back to them.

‘Okay. Do you want to accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour?’

‘Does it have to be tonight? I was planning on holding off until fifteen minutes before I die and doing it the Catholic way,’ said Arthur.

‘Really, we just wanted to see the big pig and be on our way,’ said Andrew.

‘There you go,’ said Ferenza. ‘You’re just bothering these fine folks.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Dubose, looking contrite. The four breathed sighs of relief.

‘Folks want to burn in hell, you’ve got to realize it’s their
own affair
.’ And she made as if to cuff him around the head.

The foursome walked on into the fair, Ellie quiet and slightly withdrawn.

‘Come on,’ said Arthur, slinging his arm around her shoulders. ‘Big pig, remember?’

She attempted a half smile. ‘Yes. Perhaps I could worship that instead.’

Julia used the opportunity to fall into step with Andrew II.

‘How’s the driving going?’

‘Fine,’ he said. ‘As long as we keep the music up and the windows open.’ He chuckled, but slightly awkwardly. They walked on, past a coconut shy. Spontaneously, Andrew picked up one of the small rubber balls and hurled it at a coconut. It hit full on.

‘You wanna couple more of those for five bucks?’ the greasy-looking carnie said.

‘Sure,’ said Andrew nonchalantly. Then, without drawing breath, he knocked down seven in a row. The others eyed each other in disbelief. He looked embarrassed.

‘My dad liked shooting,’ he offered by way of
explanation. The carnie leaned over and plucked out an enormous plush tiger from his display.

‘Here you go then.’

Andrew, nonplussed, took the huge orange animal in his arms, not quite knowing what to do with it.

‘Aww,’ said Julia and Ellie at once. Andrew looked at the tiger and looked from one to the other of the girls.

They turned up at the door. Colin hadn’t seen Big Bastard for forty-eight hours and hadn’t a clue what to do. He let them in, then sat on the sofa kicking his feet, until they gleaned from him that he wasn’t expecting Ellie Eversholt home any time soon. They looked at each other with worried expressions.

Ellie stared at Andrew, and made an almost imperceptible shake of the head. He gave her a slightly cross look, but slowly proffered the tiger to Julia.

‘Fancy a quick tiger?’ he said. She took it eagerly.

Ellie squeezed Arthur on the arm. ‘Pig!’ she said fiercely. ‘Let’s go see the pig!’

‘I think I’ll pass,’ said Andrew. ‘I’ve seen it. But it’s huge, I promise.’

‘Oh, me too,’ said Julia. ‘I need the fresh air. And my tiger has to forage for livestock.’

‘Okay then.’ Arthur and Ellie headed off towards the large old-fashioned tent, where a big painted board declared ‘Inside – Frosty II, the Biggest Pig in the World.’

‘I wonder what happened to the original Frosty?’ remarked Ellie. She eyed the busy hot dog concession next to the tent. ‘Never mind.’

‘Hello there lovely ladies,’ said the barker to them both. Arthur raised his eyebrows. ‘Only five dollars to view one of the wonders of the modern world.’

‘Or the pig,’ muttered Arthur.

‘Five dollars?’ said Ellie. ‘What does she do, tap dance?’

‘Yes,’ said the barker quickly.

Inside the tent it was dark and smelled of hay. Suddenly, a lantern flared and a hippopotamus loomed up in front of them. Frosty II was indeed monstrous. She was lying on her side and each of her eight teats looked like a porn star’s nipples. She snuffed a bit and poked her snout in their direction.

‘Fucking hell!’ said Ellie.

They gazed at her for a bit in silence.

‘What’s the matter then, Hedgehog?’ said Arthur, holding her hand. ‘I have to say, you’re not giving off “this is the best trip of my life, saying goodbye to my youth” vibes.’

‘No,’ said Ellie, a little sadly.

‘You’re not giving off “isn’t fun the best thing to have?” vibes.’

‘I know. I just … I mean, what if I don’t find out anything? What if Andrew McCarthy can’t help me any more than that mad religious guy can?’

Arthur shrugged. ‘It’s still a holiday though.’

‘I don’t know. I’m beginning to think the whole thing is pointless. And then I’m going to have to go home having tried everything and that really
is
frightening.’

He laughed. ‘Well of
course
it is! Remember what we said about invisible problems? It’s the crisis of Western capitalism. No spiritual direction.’

Ellie nodded. ‘Except to keep heading East,’ she said, thoughtfully. ‘God. I’m going to turn into Caroline Lafayette and start wearing bloody Himalayan prayer bands.’

Then, ‘Is there
nothing
left to believe in?’

Arthur shook his head slowly. Then he nudged her.

‘It seems to me,’ he said thoughtfully ‘that you also have a problem that isn’t quite invisible, don’t you?’

Ellie shrugged and stared at the floor and didn’t answer.

‘He’s very handsome.’

‘Isn’t he?’

Arthur nodded and waited for her to go on.

‘Julia saw him first,’ Ellie grumbled. ‘Well, that’s what she says. And she wants to have a mad fling
before she gets married. So I’m not supposed to muscle in.’

‘I think,’ said Arthur, ‘that religious nutter may have had a point about moral relativism.’

‘But I really, really want to.’

Arthur squeezed her hand tightly. ‘Friends are around for the longest time, sweetheart. Vodka’s thicker than water, remember?’

Ellie nodded like a child.

‘And Julia’s been pretty good to you in the past, hasn’t she?’

She nodded again.

‘Well then. Believe in that. Maybe that’s all that matters in the end.’

‘I suppose,’ said Ellie.

‘There are lots of nice men out there that Julia will find revolting. Everyone you’ve been out with in history for starters. Try and stick to one of those.’

‘Do you want to pet her?’ said the barker.

‘What
is
her?’ said Ellie. ‘Was her mother up to something with the local horse?’

The barker laughed. ‘Jus’ good breedin, that’s all.’

‘But she can’t support her own weight!’

‘Yis, but I takes her swimming a lot.’

Arthur was regarding the massive pink object with some distaste.

‘Better not let a member of the royal family in here. They’d want to marry it.’

Frosty II made a large snuffly sound. Ellie reached out and scratched her comfortingly behind the ears. The pig whinnied in pleasure.

‘Well, can you tell us when she’ll be back?’

Colin stared at his Nikes and shrugged.

‘And what about her landlord?’

Colin shrugged again. ‘I don’t know,’ he said in despair. ‘Arthur normally sorts everything out. But they’re all away. Hedge … Ellie too.’

‘Where are they?’

‘America somewhere.’

The tall woman and the man in the cheap suit swapped looks and shook their heads.

‘Do you want to get onto the consulate?’

Julia tucked her non-tiger-guarding arm through Andrew’s as they wandered along looking at the stalls, feeling the warmth from his chest. Her heart was beating like a drum as she leaned into him more and more.

‘It’s so nice to have you with us,’ she said, nuzzling into his long chambray shirt.

‘Hmm? Uh huh,’ he said. ‘Well, it’s nice to get away.’

She leaned in even further. ‘It was great when you
came to meet us.’ Then she stopped and looked up at him squarely. ‘It was great when you came to meet me,’ she said, smiling at him shyly. Then she stretched up and kissed him full on the mouth.

It took her a couple of seconds to realize that he wasn’t kissing back, by which time she’d already tried to stick her tongue in his mouth. Acutely embarrassed, she bounced back on her toes in bewilderment.

‘Julia,’ said Andrew, softly, bracing her shoulders with his hands. ‘What about Loxy?’

Julia turned all the colours of the humiliation rainbow: white for pain, red for embarrassment, purple for fury.

‘She bloody TOLD you,’ she said, furiously. ‘I can’t believe that cow bloody TOLD you.’

‘Nobody told me anything,’ Andrew said quietly. ‘It wasn’t that hard to guess.’

‘Oh for
fuck’s
sake. Fuck, fuck, FUCK.’