Looking for Andrew McCarthy (6 page)

‘And what about shoes? A little beige number perhaps? With connotations of being Big Masculine Woodcutters?? Okay, you bring back all your nongay friends with peanut brains to show each other your arses and worship Johnny Vaughn. We’ll see you later.’

‘I’m putting your rent up.’

‘I’m reporting you to the Inland Revenue for having an undeclared tenant.’

He’d stomped out of the house snarling, although not before Arthur had arrived and maliciously called him duckie.

‘I can’t believe the way you turn into Graham Norton whenever you see Big Bastard,’ Ellie said, straightening out her fishnet tights.

‘That’s my militant side, sweetheart. It’ll do him good in the long run, you’ll see. Anyone with that much testosterone can’t possibly be straight anyway.’

‘Oh, he is. I know, because when he thinks I’m not looking, he touches himself when there are those girls on television who sing pop songs in their school uniform.’

Ellie glanced into the mirror, smoothed down her black curly hair and removed some cashew nut debris from between her teeth. She always felt scruffy next to Arthur, who pretended that his immaculate appearance was a natural gift from God.

‘Deviant. Okay, what are we all here for? You never
normally have us round here unless you’ve broken something.’

‘That’s not true,’ said Ellie. ‘What about that time I needed to borrow money?’

Siobhan filed in warily.

‘You realize I left work early for this?’

‘Siobhan, it’s eight-thirty. Was there anyone else in the building?’

‘Just some people I know.’

‘Okay, how many non-security personnel were there apart from you?’

Siobhan pouted and stretched out on Big Bastard’s chair, removing a half-eaten multi-pack of KitKats.

‘God, that flatmate of yours eats like a horse.’

‘Eats like a horse, farts like a horse and you don’t even want to know what it’s like when Carmel’s round.’

‘No I most certainly don’t,’ said Siobhan. She looked tired and drawn. ‘Patrick can’t make it. He’s working on some buyout. Or it’s his evening class. God that’s weird; I can’t even remember. Christ, I’m so knackered.’

Ellie put a glass of wine in her hand.

‘Uh huh. I think I might have something that can cure that.’

‘Alcohol! Excellent!’

‘I thought you were never drinking again after we reached Kahlua,’ said Arthur.

‘I don’t remember saying that. Although to be fair, I don’t remember getting home.’

‘No. Not alcohol. It’s my fabulous and brilliant plan. But we’ll need to wait for everyone to arrive.’

‘Ehm, I told Colin he could come,’ said Arthur.

‘You didn’t. He’s
so
not in on the big plan.’

‘It’s alright, I’ll make him hand round the nibbles.’

‘Yeah, ’cause it’s illegal for him to serve spirits.’

‘Very funny. I’ll have you know that beneath that childish veneer there’s a very old soul.’

‘Fuck off!’

‘True. Well, old soul, good muscle definition – call it what you will.’

‘Sorry we’re late,’ said Loxy apologetically, sticking his head round the door. ‘I stopped to get Jules some flowers on the way home from work and missed my train.’

‘Bloody idiot,’ said Julia over his shoulder, putting down her suede handbag and kissing everyone within reach. ‘Hello, hello. Okay, what’s going on? And if it’s Monopoly, include me out.’

‘Okay, everyone,’ began Ellie.

‘Hang on,’ said Siobhan. ‘Annabel and George aren’t here.’

‘They’re too old for this plan.’

‘That’s not very fair. They’re the same age as us.’

‘I bet you,’ said Ellie severely, ‘one million squillion
pounds that by the time we do this plan, Annabel will be up the duff anyway. Sproglets leaking from every orifice.’

‘What on earth is the plan?’

‘Okay,’ said Ellie again. She got up and went over to Big Bastard’s record player, where he’d filed all his Big Country albums, and put on her specially prepared eighties mix tape. There was a funny little African rhythm, then Pat Benatar began bellowing ‘Love is a Battlefield.’

‘Come with me,’ she started, ‘on a mystical journey back into the mists of time.’

‘And that’s pretty bloody misty,’ said Arthur.

‘To a time … when things were young and fresh.’

‘Hey everyone! Booyashaka!’

Colin entered the room wearing sunglasses, despite the September rain outside. And the pitch dark.

‘Aha. Speaking of things that are young and fresh …’

Colin noisily started to eat the cashew nuts whilst Julia got him some squash.

‘When things were harmonious and squabbling was unknown,’ Ellie continued.

‘We don’t
squabble
,’ said Arthur. ‘Colin, leave some of those cashew nuts for everyone else.’

‘But I
like
cashew nuts.’

‘Just put them down,’ said Loxy, wondering whether a show of supportive strength would impress Julia in any way.

‘It’s none of your business,’ said Julia, nudging him. ‘For Christ’s sake, shut up Loxy.’

‘See!’ said Ellie. ‘It’s Ikea all over again. Exactly what I’ve been talking about. The really stupid stresses of modern living are all too much. Which is why I propose …’

The music had changed to ‘Broken Wings’ by Mister Mister.

‘We all take a trip.’

‘What kind of a trip?’

‘Please, not like when we all went to Cornwall and got lost and had to sleep in the car even when it was sleeting,’ said Arthur.

‘Better than that.’

‘My verrucca is better than that.’

‘My weekends are pretty booked up,’ said Siobhan. ‘I’m trying to book a slot to see my boyfriend.’

‘Oh please, what about that time we hired a canal boat for after finals?’ said Julia. ‘I’m still under a court order for that.’

‘That’s because you were the only one mature enough to sign the lease.’

‘No, it’s because the Hedgehog here was the only one mature enough to see if she could invent a new spin drying method by dragging all our clothes through the engine.’

‘That
wasn’t
it …’ started Ellie. ‘Okay, look, we’re getting off the point. We’re older now and if Caroline
fucking Lafayette can hike across the Himalayas on a pogo stick, we can bloody well drive a car to California …’

There was a silence.

‘Do what?’ said Arthur.

‘Oh, fuck!’ said Ellie crossly. ‘I’ve cocked it up now and spoiled my big build-up. I’d drawn graphs and everything.’

‘What are you talking about?’ said Julia seriously.

‘This is my big plan,’ said Ellie, looking dejected. ‘It’s only going to sound stupid now.’

‘We were expecting that though,’ said Julia kindly.

Ellie pouted a bit more. Then she bucked herself up and smiled.

‘Okay. Here’s my plan. We all take some time off work.’

‘Can’t be done,’ said Siobhan instantly.

‘… say, a month.’

‘Ha!’

‘Then, go to America and hire a car.’

‘Why?’ asked Julia.

‘Okay. Here comes the science bit.’

‘Hang on,’ said Arthur. He refilled his glass. ‘Okay. I’m ready.’

‘We go to California and find the Brat Pack. And demand some answers.’

She sat back, legs crossed, waiting for the reaction.
Everyone looked at everyone else to try and gauge the state of play.

‘Hedgehog, darling,’ said Julia, sitting down on the floor next to her friend.

‘You know we love you. But what the hell are you talking about?’

‘Look at us! We’ve already agreed something’s going wrong somewhere, haven’t we?’

‘Err, had we?’

‘Yes, we had, Ikea freaks.’ Ellie stood up. ‘We are going to find those Gods of our youth, and get them to explain a few things. Like – what the hell happened? You guys promised us the world in the 1980s, and you didn’t get it and we didn’t get it either and now we’re all getting fat together and it’s WRONG. Your films made growing up look fun. And it’s not. It’s cynical and stupid and boring. It grinds you down and makes you worry about acronyms you don’t understand, like – I don’t know; “ISA” and “SERPS”. And IKEA. And it rains all the time. And my Visa bill is due. It’s time for us to get out for a bit. Because otherwise, we are going to be worrying about fucking PAYE and nothing else for the REST OF OUR LIVES.’

There was a long silence.

Siobhan lightly put her hand on her friend’s leg. ‘Hedge, I’m not trying to be horrible about your idea or anything, but – all of them? You know, I’m not
sure they all live in the same house like Morecambe and Wise.’

‘That doesn’t matter! Don’t you see? Look at what happened. They were told they were going to be the biggest movie stars in the world. Then
they
told
us
everything was going to work out great. Well, it didn’t work out great for Robert Downey Junior and it didn’t work out great for Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez married Paula Abdul, and it’s not working out for us either. And I want to know
why
.’

The friends looked around at each other.

‘Do you think we’d really find them all in a month?’ said Julia. ‘It sounds a bit like Pokemon.’

‘Well,’ Ellie sat back down and got out a sheet of paper, ‘I thought we could start with the hardest one. I mean, no point in having a big quest to find Judd Nelson – he’s in LA with Brooke Shields looking fat and disappointed. So I thought we’d …’

‘Hang on,’ said Siobhan, putting her hand up. ‘Can we just take a quick time out? Julia, why don’t you remind everyone what happened when we all tried to go and see
American Psycho
together.’

‘Well,’ began Julia with a practised air. ‘We decided we were going to go two weeks beforehand. Then no-one would take responsibility for booking the tickets, so I had to do it at the last minute, so we could only get the five o’clock showing, so Siobhan wouldn’t come because she was working, then they
wouldn’t believe Colin was eighteen and he didn’t get in, then the Hedge phoned me up and told me she was bringing some more people so I booked some more tickets then they got drunk and completely forgot – you still owe me £42 plus booking fee by the way – all about it then I had to take Loxy out halfway through because he was frightened.’

She took a breath.

‘And now we’re going to plan a month in America?’ Siobhan asked.

‘Darling, it’s a lovely idea, and we definitely need a holiday, and I know we talked about the Brat Pack thing – but a
month
? Haven’t you seen
Dead Calm
?’

‘But that’s how long it will take,’ said Ellie stubbornly. ‘To find Andrew McCarthy.’

‘Aha!’ said Julia, scandalized. ‘
That’s
what this is all about.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ellie tried to look innocent and failed.

‘This is what your plan’s all about. You just want to meet some childhood fantasy object.’

‘No I don’t,’ said Ellie, unconvincingly.

‘What would you do if you actually met Andrew McCarthy? If he walked into this room right now?’

‘I’d ask him lots of important questions about life and how the culture of the 1980s changed us all. That’s why we’re all going. It’ll be an educational trip into our past, to help us understand ourselves.’

There was a long silence.

‘You’re absolutely sure,’ said Siobhan finally, ‘that you wouldn’t try and have sex with him.’

‘Yup,’ said Ellie.

‘Isn’t he gay, anyway?’ said Arthur.

‘He’s
so
not,’ said Siobhan, Julia and Ellie simultaneously.

‘Okay,’ said Julia. ‘Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t ask him to marry you.’

Ellie sighed and looked at the floor.

‘Look. Just because he is not an unattractive man does
not
mean this isn’t an important quest for all of us. Come on guys. It would be brilliant. Don’t you see? It would just properly close our twenties. Try and move on. And it will be something brilliant we could all do together. All of us, once and for all, before we all settle down and do a George and Annabel.’

‘Can I come?’ piped up Colin.

‘No.’

‘So,’ said Siobhan slowly. ‘Let me just make sure I’ve got this straight. You want us all to take one month off work and travel thousands of miles on some wild goose chase to try and find a boyfriend for you who was famous fifteen years ago and may well be dead for as much as anyone knows where he is.’

‘But he’s an eighties God!’ said Ellie.

‘I’m going to have to get a move on,’ said Siobhan heading for the door. ‘Got a busy day tomorrow.’

‘You’ve only been here five minutes!’

‘I know. Think what a month would be like. If you’re looking for a good way to end your twenties, why don’t you do the last year of Club 18–30?’

Ellie looked at her. ‘But it would be so good for you! Help you work out what to do about, you know, Patrick.’