Looking Through Windows (16 page)

"There's a lot you haven't imagined," Emily smiled. Then, "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." Ann sat up and turned to sit cross-legged facing her. "I know the past week has probably opened your eyes to a lot of things you've never thought about, at least in terms of your lifestyle." She paused to clear her throat. "Falling in love is very intoxicating, and making love makes it even more intoxicating. Before this week, you weren't sure what you felt for me. I don't want to be remembered like a bad hangover."

She reached out to take Ann's hand in both of hers. "I waited a long time for you to come into my life, and I'm not willing to settle for an affair with you. I want a life with you. And although I really, really want to make love with you, that's a small part of being married to someone. I want you to consider whether you could be married to me before we go any further."

She watched Ann's face carefully as she finished. "Have I offended you? I didn't mean to be presumptuous…"

"Emily, be quiet."

Emily obediently became silent.

"How could I be offended by what I think was a marriage proposal?" Ann smiled. "But I have to admit that when you mentioned the word marriage, I realized that I still reserve that concept for male-female couples.  I hadn't thought about our relationship on those terms." She paused, looking down at their intertwined fingers.

"You're right, you know," she admitted. "This whole week I have felt, as you said, intoxicated.  I can understand your need to have me think about the consequences of any decisions we make. So I agree; we should wait to go any further." As she finished, she slid down under the covers

"Damn," Emily grumbled. "I was afraid you'd agree with me."  Ann chuckled softly as Emily turned out the lamp.

Chapter 23

T
he next few weeks flew by as Emily settled back into her class schedule. She had a great deal of research to do for her own classes as well as keeping ahead of her teaching load and trying to supervise the other teaching assistants. Ann's schedule also intensified with exams and papers every couple of days in one class or another. They spent most evenings studying together, either in the library or at the Gundlachs'. Emily avoided Ann's invitations to study at her apartment, not trusting herself to be alone with her. They had also resumed their early morning workouts, Emily running at the student rec center now that the snow was a constant, and Ann confining her riding to the indoor ring as she let her ankle adapt to the stresses placed on it.

Emily had vowed she would not push Ann for a decision, nor would she allude to the question with constant analysis of their relationship. For her, it was enough that Ann still chose to spend time with her.

For her part, Ann found Emily's presence more comfortable than any person she had ever known. Their conversations ranged from discussions of ancient European literature to gay discrimination in the military to their favorite old movies. Without having set ground rules, it seemed to be a given that they would be absolutely honest with each other, even when honesty was not especially flattering. Their friendship deepened considerably during this period.

One evening, when Ann came to the Gundlachs' to study, she said, "There was a message from my parents on my machine. When I called, they wanted to know what you're doing for Thanksgiving. If you don't have plans, they would love for you to join us."

Emily was startled to realize that it was already mid-November. She hadn't even thought about Thanksgiving. She wouldn't have time to go home to Pennsylvania, nor did she really want to go. "Are you sure I wouldn't be intruding?"

"Are you kidding?" Ann smiled. "My parents really want you to come.  You'll get to meet Michael."

"Your brother. You don't speak of him often," Emily observed.

"Michael is four years older, so we never had the same set of friends. I know he didn't understand why I didn't go straight to college. He thinks the Peace Corps was a big waste of time. In Michael's mind, if it didn't earn money, it wasn't worth pursuing."

"That surprises me," Emily said. "Neither of your parents seems to have that attitude."

"They don't at all. They've always been politically active – very left wing," she said with a smile. "Mom used to work with Dad until we were born, and since then her energy has gone into volunteer work. She's very involved with a couple of different AIDS groups. Ironically, her pharmaceutical connections are one of her biggest strengths; she bombards them with requests for free or discount drugs for various low-income programs. My parents have always contributed to the arts and to groups that provide opportunities for poor children to experience museum trips and outdoor camps. I don't think they have ever taken for granted how fortunate we are, but I think for Michael, there's a feeling that he has to compete with Dad to prove himself." She got back to the original topic. "So, will you come?"

As Emily looked into Ann's hopeful eyes, her heart warmed. "I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend Thanksgiving with."

Ann beamed, and Emily swore the room brightened with her radiance.

Chapter 24

A
nn sat in her French class on Wednesday with growing nervousness. For the past few weeks, she had felt alternately exhilarated and terrified about publicly presenting the poem she had picked, not only to Lise and her classmates, but to Emily, who had asked if it would make Ann too nervous if she were present. Three times she had started to prepare a different presentation, but each time she was drawn back to her original choice.

Monday's class had been fun, with two students presenting a one-act play, and another a dramatic reading from a biography of St. Joan of Arc, complete with cardboard armor. Today, she watched Emily as she spoke with Lise prior to class. She noticed how often Emily gestured with her hands as she expressed herself. She also noticed how easily she smiled and laughed lately. As Emily headed to the back of the class to observe, Ann handed her an envelope.

The class began with a female student singing a French folk song, accompanying herself on a guitar.

"Ann?" Lise called as the applause faded.

Ann took a deep breath, and handed Lise a copy of the complete poem, both in French and with her translation. She went to the front of the room and cleared her throat. Speaking in French, she began, "As I was searching for a topic for this assignment, I came across small excerpts of works written by women in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, but I had trouble finding complete works. It seems that many of the poems and books written by women exist only in rather obscure collections." She paused and saw that Emily was reading her paper which also contained the entire poem and translation.

"I was able to locate a poem by a woman who called herself Renée Vivien. She was born in London as Pauline Mary Tarn, but she adopted Paris as her home at the turn of the century, and wrote under her pseudonym. I'll read part of her poem titled "Words For My Friend:"

"See: I am at the age where the maiden surrenders her hand

To the man whom her frailty seeks and dreads,

And I have not yet chosen my companion along the way,

Because you appeared at a turn in the path.

The hyacinth bled over the red hills

You dreamed and Love walked by your side…

I am a woman, I have no right to beauty.

I have been condemned to the ugliness of men."

Ann looked up to find Emily's gaze fixed on her. She couldn't be certain, but she thought Emily's eyes might be shining with tears. She felt her face get hot, and looking down, she continued.

"And I had the inexcusable audacity to desire

A sonorous love created from light innocence,

The furtive footstep that doesn't even bruise the ferns

And the sweet voice that blends with the evening.

I have been forbidden your hair, your eyes,

Because your hair is long and fragrant

And because your eyes hold a strange ardour.

And they become cloudy like rebellious waves.

They point at me with angry gestures,

Because my eyes sought your tender gaze…

Seeing us pass by, no one has wanted to understand

That I have chosen you with simplicity."

There was polite applause from her classmates as Ann sat down. She knew they hadn't understood what Renée Vivien was writing about. A few months ago, she might not have either. Everything seemed changed now. These past few weeks she had looked at the world differently, realizing the enormity of the expectation that everyone will pair up with someone of the opposite gender. Simple romantic gestures such as a quiet dinner at a nice restaurant or ordering flowers to be delivered could become challenges if your companion was of the same gender.

She sat absorbed in her thoughts, oblivious to the presentation which followed hers. She was startled by the applause which interrupted her train of thought. Class was over. What to say to Emily? How to act? Emily stopped beside her, and there was no time to compose herself. She looked up, unable to mask her emotions, and felt herself fall into the golden depths of Emily's eyes. Emily laid her hand on Ann's shoulder for a moment and dropped a folded piece of paper in her lap.

"That was an interesting choice," Lise said, stopping also near Ann's desk as she came from the back of the room. She glanced toward the door where Emily's back was just disappearing around the corner. Ann's face burned, but she made no response. Looking back at Ann, Lise repeated, "Très intéressant."

Ann took her time putting her books into her backpack. When she was alone, she opened the note. "Meet me in the bell tower at seven?" was written in Emily's small, bold handwriting. Ann smiled and realized she could still feel the warmth of Emily's hand.

Chapter 25

E
mily stood in the bell tower, oblivious to the cold. The lamps in the park cast silvery cones of light down to the snow-covered ground. There were only a few people walking below. She remembered the day in August when she had first spotted Ann from up here. So much had happened since then. She felt giddy, almost drunk, at the recollection of the look in Ann's eyes earlier today when class had ended. There had been so much love and such defenselessness – Emily closed her eyes and just remembered.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Ann standing under a tree watching her. She smiled, and Ann hurried to the little church. When she got to the loft she flew into Emily's arms. They held each other tightly for a long time. The hug gave way to a kiss, long and slow, their hands exploring under their jackets. When they parted, their fast breathing hung in the air in steamy clouds.

Emily held Ann's face in her hands. "I love you so much," she said fiercely.

"I love you, too," Ann murmured, aware of what it felt like to say that to someone for the first time in her life.

Ann pulled Emily down to sit next to her, their backs leaning against the wall of the belfry. "I know it's probably been hard waiting for my answer," she said quietly. Her eyes were grey in the shadows.

"I haven't wanted to push you. I don't want to lose your friendship," Emily said earnestly.

Ann smiled. "You couldn't do anything to take that away, and you haven't pushed at all. You've been wonderful, just being with me while I thought things through.  You were right. There are a lot of things I hadn't considered."