Looking Through Windows (20 page)

Chapter 31

"
M
om, Dad, I'm in love with Emily."

Meg swung her head around to look at Ann who stood at her hindquarters with a brush suspended in mid-air. "What do you think?" she asked. Meg snorted and swung her hindquarters into Ann as if to tell her to keep her mind on business.

"Too direct, huh?" Ann kept speaking as she resumed grooming. "How do you start? It's not a topic that's likely to come up over dinner."

She switched to a comb and began working on Meg's tail. She continued to rehearse different approaches. She tried to imagine how Emily would say it and suddenly stopped. She had a very clear image of Emily saying, without shame or hesitation, "I'm gay."

All of Ann's rehearsing had been an attempt to describe the relationship, and she realized she wasn't trying to figure out how to tell her parents she was gay.
'Am I?'
she asked herself. She sat down on her tack trunk.
'Or am I just in love with one special person who happens to be a woman?'
She tried to imagine whether she would seek a relationship with another woman if Emily weren't in her life. She honestly didn't know.

"Maybe I need to figure that part out first," she said to Meg as she worked on her mane. She finished grooming Meg and saddled up. For an hour they practiced a variety of dressage movements. Meg enjoyed the change from jumping, and seemed to be showing off. Ann practiced making her cues more and more subtle so that to an observer, the horse and rider looked as if they were following a predetermined choreography.

After she had cooled Meg down and cleaned up, she went back to her apartment to shower and dress for class. She had a constant dialogue running inside her head.
'Are you afraid of being gay?'

'No, it doesn't bother me. It's just that I've never thought of myself that way.'

'Well, does it make you uncomfortable?'

'No, why should it?'

'How about being a lesbian? You've only used the word gay. Does lesbian bother you?'

Silence. Ann was uncomfortable at the thought of calling herself a lesbian, but she wasn't sure why. She had a hard time concentrating in economics. She found herself wondering how her relationships with others would change if she were to identify herself as a lesbian. Or would the change be all internal?

Fortunately, biology required all her concentration as they dissected fetal pigs. Although she found it fascinating, she also found she could not face any kind of meat at lunch time. She had a salad while she studied French in preparation for a quiz in Lise's class.

She and Emily had both been adamant that there be no outward sign of the change in their relationship. They had agreed that next semester Ann would continue to sign up for one of the other instructors' French classes. Ann regretted the latter part, for Emily really was a good teacher and she would have enjoyed taking one of her classes, but she recognized the wisdom of that decision.

When Ann arrived at Whitmore Hall, Emily was teaching. Ann positioned herself where she could watch her and listen without any of the students' seeing her.

When class was over, Emily took her time gathering her books. "That was not nice," Emily scolded as Ann came into the classroom.

"I know," Ann grinned. "But you look beautiful."

"Thanks," Emily sighed, wishing she could kiss Ann right then and there. "Mrs. Gundlach wants you to come over for dinner tonight. Six o'clock?"

"I'll be there," Ann smiled. "See you later."

Emily watched Ann's graceful walk as she turned to go to her desk. That evening she waited impatiently for Ann's arrival as she helped Mr. Gundlach and Greta get the animals in. In the dim light cast by the bare bulbs in the barn, they bedded the cattle and the mares down in their stalls and left them quietly munching their feed. They crunched back through the snow, and entered the kitchen to find Ann whipping potatoes as Mrs. Gundlach sliced a large ham.

Ann looked up and smiled. "It's about time you two got in here." As Ann stood there in faded jeans and an indigo sweater with the sleeves pushed up, Emily added the image to the mental photo album she kept. She had developed this pattern of holding onto her memories of Caroline when she had been left with no tangible reminders. She taught herself to conjure images and burn them into her memory so that they were as plain as photos.

Ann's voice brought her back to the present. "Why don't you set the table? Dinner is almost ready."

Emily snapped to, and by the time she had the table set, dinner was being served. Mr. Gundlach put some old Christmas albums on the record player and they ate accompanied by Perry Como and Bing Crosby. The Gundlachs talked excitedly about the plans for most of their children to come home for Christmas. There were a couple of new grandchildren since last Christmas, and Mrs. Gundlach made stockings for each out of old quilts and clothing. They asked what the girls' plans were for the holidays, and Emily felt a deep melancholy at having to say she was going home to Pennsylvania while Ann was going to her home. Their eyes met, and Ann saw the sadness in Emily's gaze. She quickly looked away, not wanting Emily to see the struggle taking place within her.

After dinner, Ann and Emily did the dishes quickly then sat down to study. Emily was writing a research paper for one of her classes and had several books spread about her. She had her hand on one of the books, marking a passage with her finger as she made a footnote, when she felt Ann's hand cover hers. She looked up and felt her heart tremor. Ann's beautiful eyes were smiling at her.

"I will always remember these evenings in this kitchen with you," she said, squeezing Emily's hand.

Chapter 32

F
inals week was hectic for everyone on campus. Exams had to be graded and final grades calculated and turned in before five o'clock on Friday evening. Emily was grateful that she gave her exams on Monday and Tuesday. She spent hours grading them and then plugging the grades into the department computer. Her own doctoral classes were graded on the basis of papers she had already turned in. She had a meeting scheduled with her doctoral committee on Thursday to receive their critique of her work thus far. She had not seen Ann since Monday. She checked all the grades turned in by the teaching assistants and was gratified that Ann excelled, earning an A in Lise's course.

She waited nervously in the hall on Thursday to be called in to the conference room. She wondered how many hundreds of feet had paced anxiously on those worn tiles just as she was doing.

"Emily?" Dr. Brooks called her in. She entered to find the other four members of her doctoral committee assembled around an antique conference table. She took a seat and waited. They had all of her written work gathered before them. Two papers were in French, one in German and two others were in English.

"Emily," Dr. Brooks began, "we have all been impressed by the quality of your work and the insight you have brought to your topics." There were nods of agreement from the other members. "I have received a letter from a colleague in Switzerland. She is in charge of a school teaching languages to members of the diplomatic branches of various governments. They are in need of a native speaker of American English. We would like for you to consider applying for the position. You would not be teaching any other languages, but you'll certainly get to use them. If you accept, we will arrange for you to do some independent work towards your doctorate while in Europe. This recommendation is not one I make lightly. This position requires an innate sense of diplomacy and a high degree of integrity. If you decide not to do this, you may of course continue working on your doctorate as previously."

Emily considered quickly. "May I tell you right after Christmas, so I can discuss it with my family?"

"Of course," Dr. Brooks smiled. "Give me a call as soon as you can.  Please don't feel that this is a demand."

 Emily got her jacket and walked to the cold church in the park. She didn't climb to the belltower, but sat down in one of the pews to think. She had no idea what to expect from her family if she followed through on her intention to tell them about herself.  She had sensed a reluctance from Ann lately to discuss family. They still hadn't talked about the incident with Michael. She wondered if Ann would consider going with her. She felt an old familiar gnawing in her gut, but chided herself for being paranoid.

Chapter 33

T
he Friday of that week felt like a huge relief for instructors and students alike. Emily had declined an invitation to join the other teaching assistants in celebration of the end of the semester. She and Ann had made plans to go out for dinner.

She had decided to wear the red cashmere sweater that Ann liked. She was checking her reflection in the hall mirror for the tenth time when she heard the beep of the Toyota's horn. She pulled on her coat, making sure the box containing Ann's necklace was secure in the pocket.

Ann surprised her by leaning over for a kiss when she got in. "It feels so good to have exams over!" Ann exclaimed as she put the Toyota in gear. They drove to a restaurant neither of them had been to, but which had an excellent reputation.

When they got inside and checked their coats, Emily couldn't help staring at Ann, who was stunning in a dark green velvet tunic with matching pants that flowed gracefully as she walked. She had pulled her hair back and was wearing very simple pearl earrings with a matching necklace.

Ann smiled self-consciously. "Emily, walk," she said in a low voice. As they were taken to their table, Emily noticed several men looking at Ann.

They ordered wine, which was brought right away. The waiter smiled knowingly as he poured their wine. They touched their glasses together, murmuring, "Merry Christmas."

"You are too beautiful for words," Emily said, her admiration reflected in her smile.

"Thank you," Ann replied. "And thank you for wearing that sweater; it looks wonderful on you."

The waiter came to take their order, and also brought a bottle of the white zinfandel they were drinking. "Compliments of the gentlemen," he sniffed, indicating a table across the room.

Ann didn't bother to look. "No, thank you."

Emily smiled and looked up at the waiter. "Henry," she remembered he had introduced himself, "can you please see to it that we are not disturbed?"

"Absolutely." He leaned closer. "They look married anyhow, the scum."

They laughed as he turned and went to pass their reply on to the men.

"What was that about?" Ann asked.

"He's gay," Emily answered, "and he knows we are too."

"How?" Ann was puzzled, and a little troubled by Emily's words.

"Probably the way we were looking at one another."

"How do you know he is?"

Emily thought for a moment. "I'm not sure how to explain it; his eye contact was very direct, but completely asexual. I don't know. Sometimes you just know – it's gaydar."

"Gaydar?" Ann laughed.

"Yes," Emily grinned. "It's just a feeling you get from some people. It's probably similar to unspoken signals of interest that heterosexuals exchange, but with us it often just indicates recognition, not necessarily interest or attraction."

"You keep speaking in 'we' or 'us' terms, but the only thing you know about him, for example," indicating Henry, "is that he's gay. I don't understand that," Ann said, frowning a little.

Emily tilted her head to one side and looked closely at Ann. "It's true that if I got to know him, he might not be someone I really like, but that bond was enough for him to help us deal with what could have been an uncomfortable situation. I think members of any minority have a natural tendency to band together for protection, especially when they're faced with prejudice."

Ann sipped her wine, thinking about what Emily had said. Henry brought their meals, a stuffed Portobello mushroom for Ann, and chicken broiled in a lemon sauce served over pasta for Emily. Dinner proceeded with less serious conversation. Ann asked how Emily's meeting with her committee went. Emily considered whether to tell Ann about the possible job in Switzerland, but decided not to for now.

As they were finishing their meal, Ann asked, "Would you mind going back to my place for coffee and dessert?"

Emily replied, "You read my mind." She wanted desperately to be alone with Ann. She paid for dinner, not allowing Ann to argue, and tipped Henry generously.

When they arrived at Ann's apartment, Emily put Christmas CDs on the stereo to set the atmosphere, while Ann put coffee on. They turned on the lights on Ann's small Christmas tree and Emily turned out the floor lamp. In the soft light from the tiny bulbs they embraced, kissing and swaying gently to the strains of ancient yuletide music.

Several songs later, they released one another and went to get coffee. Ann served molasses cookies her mother had sent. They sat in silence in the living room, watching the tree and savoring the time alone together with no pressure to study. But for each of them, there was a hint of sadness at knowing they would soon be going separate ways. Neither wanted to talk about that.