Looking Through Windows (33 page)

"Do you think you could look after the animals for a few days? You must promise to tell us if you think it would be too difficult for you."

Emily considered. "I think I could do it. The cattle stay out in the fields all night now, don't they? And the mares, too. So really it'll just be feeding the chickens and gathering the eggs." Greta whined and shoved her head under Emily's elbow. "And how could I forget you?" she smiled.

"Oh thank you so much," Mrs. Gundlach beamed. "I've got the refrigerator full of food. All you have to do is heat things up."

"I think I can handle that much," Emily assured her, grinning.

The Gundlachs went to pack as soon as they were done eating. Robert and Maureen both watched Emily closely. "We will do whatever you want," Robert said. "If you want privacy, we can head back this afternoon also. If you want us to stay, we will."

Emily thought about it for a few minutes. "I know I'll want to tell you about it later, but it will probably be easier to talk to Ann alone." She looked up at both of them. "Are you sure that's okay?"

"Of course it is," Maureen reassured her. "We'll go pack."

Chapter 70

A
n hour later, Emily and Greta were all alone. Emily picked up the phone and put it down probably five times. "Should I call her or wait for her to call me?" Emily asked Greta out loud. Finally, she picked the telephone up again and dialed Ann's number. She got the machine, and, in a shaky voice, said, "Ann, this is Emily. I'm alone at the Gundlachs' house for the next few days. Please call or come over whenever you can. It doesn't matter what time it is."

She went upstairs to unpack her clothes and books. That didn't take long, and then she wandered aimlessly around the house. Too restless to sit and watch television, she decided to walk out to the pasture and say hello to the horses. Greta came with her. It took a little more concentration to walk on uneven terrain, and she had to be careful where she placed her feet. At the sound of her voice, Molly and Snow came ambling over, pushing their huge grey heads over the fence for pats and scratches. She had brought carrots for each of them, and stood there talking to them as they crunched. They started and trotted away as Greta began barking in the direction of the house. Emily turned and saw Ann coming around the back of the house.

 Greta raced to Ann to greet her. With her heart in her throat, Emily walked as fast as she dared.
'Don't fall on your face before you even get a chance to say hello,'
she told herself. As she got closer, she suddenly felt self-conscious about her appearance. She stopped a couple of paces away, not sure what to do.

Ann came to her, and as she drew near, she reached up and tenderly brushed her hand along Emily's cheek. Emily's apprehension melted away, and she wrapped her arms around Ann. Ann's embrace was more hesitant.

"You won't hurt me," Emily murmured. Reassured, Ann tightened her arms around Emily's prominent ribs. They stood like that for a long time. Emily filled her lungs with the scent of Ann's hair and perfume, her hands running over Ann's back and shoulders, up into her hair. "I can't believe you're finally back in my arms," she breathed.

Ann pulled away enough to look at her and answered, "Believe it," before she pressed her lips against Emily's in a tender kiss.

When they parted, Emily drank in every detail of Ann's face, saying, "I will never take this for granted."

Ann took Emily's hand and said, "Let's go inside. We need to talk." Emily followed her up the porch steps, taking one at a time.

"Would you like something to drink?" Emily asked.

"I think I could use some wine if there is any," Ann said as she sat at the table, watching Emily move around the kitchen.

"I'll look." She could feel Ann's eyes on her as she went to the refrigerator. "There's some Riesling."

 "That sounds good. Thank you."

The politeness was maddening, but at least they were talking. Emily brought the bottle and two glasses to the table and hesitated, finally choosing to sit across from Ann.

"Thank you for coming over." Emily said. Ann's eyes were a dark blue-grey. "I'm not sure where we should start." Her hands were trembling as she struggled to get the corkscrew in place.

"Here, let me," Ann said gently, taking the bottle and the corkscrew from her. Their fingers touched and the contact was electric. Emily wasn't sure her heart could take much more of this. The hours of adrenaline since their morning encounter were taking their toll on her weakened system. Ann handed her a full glass of wine.

"Let's start at Christmas," Ann said, pouring herself a glass of wine also. "What made you write that note in the first place?"

Emily looked down at her wine glass, stroking a fingertip over the frost gathering there, sweeping it away. "In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, after the incident with Michael, you seemed so reluctant to talk about family. It seemed you were really struggling, and I felt like I was pushing you into something you weren't ready for. It had taken me years to get to the point of being able to tell my family, but I was asking you to do it after just a few months. Dr. Brooks had mentioned the job in Zurich, and it seemed like a good backup plan to give us time apart if you couldn't bring yourself to tell your family. And when I didn't hear from you, I assumed you were giving me your answer."

She raised her eyes to Ann's. "Your parents told me Michael had confronted you about us, but they didn't know exactly what he said to you."

Ann took a sip of wine before she responded. "It was ugly. He called my feelings for you a perverted infatuation and told me I'd obviously never been with a real man. He said it would kill Mom and Dad." She lowered her gaze, frowning. "I had gone home intending to tell them right away, but after he said that… I did tell them," she said, looking back up. "It just took me longer, and by then you were gone." Without intending it, a trace of bitterness crept into her voice.

"I know," Emily said softly. "I'm sorry I left you like that."

"In March, when he slipped and finally admitted what he'd done, I got on the first plane to Zurich to find you, but…"

"It was Laura you saw me with," Emily anticipated where Ann was going. "She was there for a visit, that's all. There was never anything between us. I left her sitting in my flat when I got your message."

Ann leaned forward. "What happened? I still don't understand."

"My knee had been swollen for weeks," Emily explained. "I didn't realize what it was. That night, when the bone gave way and I fell, I cracked my head and was out for a couple of days. When I woke up, the leg was gone."

"Did you try to call me then?" Ann asked.

Emily looked back down at her wineglass where the sunlight filtering through it produced a dancing reflection on the table top. "No," she admitted.

Ann ran her finger around the rim of her glass. "And then you came back to the States to begin chemo?"

"Yes."

Ann was breathing a little faster, and there was a slight flush to her cheeks. "But you still didn't call me." It wasn't a question. "Not until my parents came to see you and basically gave you no choice did you call."

"Yes," Emily repeated lamely.

"Why?" Ann asked quietly.

The following silence felt very loud to Emily. She looked down again, and squeezed her wine glass until her knuckles were white. "For most of the time I've known you, I was such a mess. I wasn't good for much of anything.  Then when I found our being apart was all a mistake, all I wanted to do was beg you to forgive me for leaving you like that with no explanation, but… I had no leg, my hair was falling out, I was vomiting my guts out four or five days a week, then getting over it in time to start it all again." She paused for a moment, then said, "Ann, you deserve so much more than I could – "

Emily was interrupted when Ann stood abruptly, her chair flying backwards, and slammed her wine glass against the table, sending wine and glass shards skittering across the wooden top.

"Don't tell me I deserve to have something better than you!" she shouted. Her chest heaved with her breathing. "You might remember that our relationship was born when you were frail and broken and willing to let yourself need me. No one had ever done that with me before."

Ann paced now, her fists clenched. "I am not some goddamned statue that needs to be protected. I need to be loved, not worshiped. I thought you understood that. I could have had all the worship I wanted with a man." She stood still and looked at Emily, her eyes still angry. When she spoke again, her voice was dangerously quiet. "You did understand that once. Since you've been gone you've put me up on some pedestal, and what? You'll profess that you love me enough to die for me? You nearly did that, Emily."

She came to the table and placed her hands on it, leaning toward Emily. "I'll tell you what I deserve. I deserve to be loved by someone who won't shut me out. I deserve to be loved by someone whom I can trust absolutely will be there to take care of me when I need it, and trusts me back to be there when she needs it. I need someone who will share with me, the big things and the meaningless little things that a life together is made up of. I need someone who blends with me so completely that together we make something finer and better than anything either of us could be on our own."

 She stood up, tall and imperious. For all her insistence that she wasn't a statue to be worshiped, she struck Emily at that moment like a goddess, her beauty at once terrible and magnificent. "If you can be that person for me, then we have a future together. Think about it." And with that, she turned and started to leave.

"Ann!" Emily cried out. She tried to get up quickly, but her prosthetic foot got caught on the table leg, and she fell, sprawled across the floor. Ann did not rush to help. Emily ground her teeth in embarrassment and shame, and tried to twist the prosthesis around so that she could get back up on her feet. By the time she was standing, Ann was gone.

Chapter 71

T
he next morning, Ann answered a soft knock on her door.

"Are you alone?" Maggie asked softly.

"Oh, yes, I'm alone," Ann replied with a harsh half-laugh as she stepped back to let them in.

 "How are you?" Cris asked anxiously. "Have you spoken to Emily?"

Ann didn't answer immediately as she went into the kitchen to pour two more cups of coffee. "I was such an ass," Ann groaned as she sat back down at the table with them.

"What happened?"

Ann sat with her head cradled in her hands. "We were talking, things were good. She was explaining what happened in Zurich, and before I knew it, I was demanding to know why she hadn't called me sooner. And then… I smashed a wine glass, I shouted at her and when she fell trying to get up from the table, I walked out."

"She fell, and you walked out?" Maggie asked in disbelief.

"All I needed was for her to say she needed me, to ask for my help, but she couldn't do it," Ann replied sadly.

 "Let's back up a minute," Cris said calmly. "When you asked her why she hadn't called you earlier, what did she say?"

Ann slumped back in her chair. "She was explaining about the amputation, and then coming home to start her chemo, and how she was sick and losing her hair, and… then she tried to tell me I deserved more than she could give me. That's when I lost it."

"And now you feel guilty about yelling at her?" Cris guessed.

"She's been through so much," Ann said.

"So have you," Cris pointed out. "You've been through your own hell. Being sick didn't turn Emily into a saint, Ann. There may have been reasons for what she did, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel angry at being left out. Emily's whole world has been focused on her cancer, on her treatments. I would imagine everything else in her life has revolved around that focus for the last few months."

"Don't you think that's pretty normal considering what she's been through?" Ann asked.

"Of course," Cris answered, "but now, the chemotherapy is over, and she's returning to the reality of everyday life as someone who
was
sick. She needs to reset her self-image to a more normal frame of reference. It may have been a good thing someone got angry with her. I'll bet no one has for quite a while."

Ann was sipping her coffee silently, thinking about this when the phone rang. "Hello?" she answered.

"Hi." Emily's voice sounded far away. "I was going to come over to see you, but I can't."

"Why not?" Ann winced a bit as that came out more harshly than she had intended.    

A few seconds of silence, then, "I forgot my car's a stick shift. I can't drive it." Ann closed her eyes and smiled. Cris and Maggie couldn't hear, but were watching Ann's face. Emily's voice continued. "Then I thought about walking to your apartment, but I hurt my leg when I fell yesterday, and I don't think I can wear the prosthesis for a few days. I could come on my crutches, but I'd get there sometime tomorrow. So… I was wondering if you would be willing to come back over here?"

"I'll be there soon." Ann hung the phone up.

Cris came over and wrapped an arm around Ann's shoulders. "Good luck," she said with a kiss on the cheek, and she and Maggie left.