Looking Through Windows (34 page)

Authors: Caren J. Werlinger

BOOK: Looking Through Windows

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Ann got her keys, and drove over to the Gundlachs'. Emily opened the front door before she could knock. She stood there on her crutches, her wispy curls still damp from her shower. Wordlessly, Ann came in and pushed the door shut. She took Emily in her arms, letting the crutches fall and kissed her hard. Emily kissed her back fiercely, wrapping her arms around Ann's neck. Ann bent and slipped her arm under Emily's leg, picking her up and carrying her upstairs.

"I didn't know you were that strong," Emily said softly, as Ann laid her down on her bed.

"I've never felt that strong." Ann answered, looking down at Emily. Sitting next to her on the mattress, Ann brushed her fingers over Emily's face, over her cheeks which were still hollowed out, over her lips and up into her soft curls. Emily lay still, her eyes never leaving Ann's, as Ann unbuttoned her shirt and opened it to expose her thin torso. Ann's hands ran from her breasts to her hips, down over her legs, massaging and gently kneading Emily's stump. To Emily's relief, there was no pity in Ann's eyes, only an intense desire. She let Ann finish undressing her, sliding her shorts and underwear over her hips. Ann silently undressed herself as Emily watched hungrily, and then lay down gently on top of her.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?" she asked as Emily wrapped her tightly in her arms, the exquisite softness of Ann's breasts pressing against her.

"No, but I wouldn't care if you were. It might feel less like a dream," she whispered, rubbing her cheek against Ann's.

"No more dreams," Ann insisted, lifting her head so she could look at Emily. "This is real." She kissed her hard again. They made love passionately, explosively, as months of frustration and loneliness and longing were expressed by their hands and mouths and bodies.

Afterward, Emily lay trembling and exhausted, her head resting on Ann's shoulder, half draped across Ann's body. Ann's hands caressed Emily, moving gently over her arms, her face, everywhere she could reach, as if she needed to imprint Emily's features into her tactile memory.

"Are you all right?" Ann asked as she felt Emily's rapid heartbeat against her own ribs.

"My stamina isn't what it used to be," Emily replied weakly. "And that was a little intense."

Ann sat up and looked tenderly at Emily. "Let's get dressed, and I'll get you something to eat."

Ann picked Emily up to carry her back downstairs to the foyer where her crutches still lay where they had fallen. Emily was looking at Ann as if she had never seen her before. Ann looked at her out of the corner of her eye as they descended the stairs. "It's not that big a deal. You're a lot lighter now."

Emily snorted with laughter. Ann just smiled. Picking up her crutches, Emily hopped into the kitchen, where Ann got out some of Mrs. Gundlach's leftovers and began heating them. In a few minutes, they were seated at the table with plates of ham, sweet potatoes and peas.

Throughout, Emily was still watching Ann as if examining her. She was, if anything, more beautiful to Emily than she had been, but there was something else, a steeliness that had never been there before.

"What is it?" Ann asked as she sat.

"You've changed." Emily replied. "There's something different about you."

"I am different," Ann agreed. "I've never had my heart broken before." At Emily's guilty expression, she went on, "That wasn't meant to be an accusation. Circumstances were… it happened. But I've had to learn how to deal with pain I had never experienced before. I know I don't have to tell you about living with pain."

They ate for a few minutes in silence, then Ann asked, "You've thought about what I said yesterday?"

"All night," Emily replied. "I realized that, to a certain extent, I've idolized you for as long as I've known you, but not for the reasons you think – not because of your physical beauty, but because of all the things you are: you are the most compassionate, the most honest and most loving – the best person I have ever known." She looked down at her plate, pushing her peas around with her fork. "I missed you so much while I was in Europe, that I think I elevated you even higher in my memories of you. And then after the surgery and all during chemo, I clung to the image of you like a savior. I was obsessed with the goal of getting better to come back to you, but in my mind it was always coming back to you whole. Never, not once in any of my dreams of coming back to you, did I look like this." She forced herself to look back up, falling into the depths of Ann's eyes. "I was terrified of letting you see me like that. If I had thought rationally about all the qualities I love in you, I probably would have known that letting you see me so weak and so disgusting and so… mutilated wouldn't have frightened you off, wouldn't have made you turn around and walk away, but if you had…" Her throat got tight, and she had to look out the window and take a few deep breaths. "Aren't you bothered by all this?" she asked, waving a hand vaguely at herself.

Ann looked at her with a mix of frustration and compassion. "How could you even think that any of that would change how I feel about you? My entire life people have judged me by my looks. You were the first person to see past that to what really matters. Don't you know how beautiful you are to me? Why would you think a missing limb would alter my feelings for you?"

When Emily could trust her voice again, she said softly, "I'm sorry I hurt you by shutting you out. Please tell me it's not too late for me to be the person you need."

Ann pushed her plate aside. "When I first told you I loved you, you asked me to consider whether I loved you enough to be married to you. You needed to know that I loved you enough to risk alienating my family if it came to that."

Emily nodded. "I remember."

"Well, I need to ask you now, if you love me enough to be married to me?" She reached over to take Emily's hand in both of hers. "And before you simply say yes, I want you to really think about what that means. I know we haven't actually made vows to one another, but being married to me means no more lies. It means in sickness and in health. It means trusting my love enough to let go of all the barriers you've put up to protect yourself. I know that leaves you vulnerable, but that's part of loving someone, Emily. You have to be willing to expose yourself to the risk of being hurt again. Can you do that?"

Ann's face suddenly swam as Emily's eyes filled with tears and spilled over. "You are offering me everything I've ever longed for. I don't know if I can do the same for you."

Ann came around the table to kneel in front of Emily. With tears running down her own cheeks, she took Emily's face in her hands and said, "When I fell in love with you, I knew I had found what I had been hungering for my entire life; no more looking through windows. You are everything I need. You, just as you are."

"I love you more than I could ever tell you," Emily said softly.

Ann brought Emily's lips to hers for a long, passionate kiss. As they parted, she handed Emily her crutches. "Come back upstairs with me," she smiled. "We've got lots of catching up to do."

The End

About the Author

C
aren was raised in Ohio, the oldest of four children. Her favorite books were the Black Stallion stories and Nancy Drew mysteries. When she finally realized Nancy and George were never going to get together, she decided to start writing her own stories where she could create the endings she liked. She completed a degree in foreign languages and later another degree in physical therapy. For the past twenty years, she has practiced physical therapy in Virginia where she lives with her partner of eighteen years and their three canine fur-children. She is the author of GCLS Award winner
Looking Through Windows
.

Book Back Summary

Looking Through Windows

E
verything can change in a second and nothing is ever the same.

Emily had to rebuild her life… her sense of self. How far would she go to hold onto a dream?

Emily Warner moves to Vermont hoping for a fresh start. Anything to forget the past four years. She didn’t plan on the past finding her. And she didn’t plan on Ann Hight. Ann helps Emily through a crisis, and re-awakens emotions Emily thought she would never experience again. For Ann, what she begins to feel for Emily promises everything she never knew she needed. Just when it seems they’ve found the love they’ve yearned for, fate conspires to tear them apart. Even if they can somehow hang on despite all the obstacles thrown at them, Emily still has to face the biggest obstacle of all – herself.

* * *

T
hank You
for Purchasing and Reading
.

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