Losing Eva (The Eva Series Book 2) (12 page)

Brynn looked at the nurse and nodded her head, slowly.

The nurse gestured to the nearby chair and picked Sophie up, wrapping her quickly in a blanket. She handed her gently to Brynn who felt like she was being handed a secret prize, an invaluable token. She felt nervous and awkward as she looked up to Adam for reassurance. He smiled at her sadly, and Brynn realized that this was going to be the one and only time she was going to get to hold her baby.

“She’s so light!” Brynn said with wonder, amazed at how Sophie felt like air in her arms. She closed her eyes and imagined herself getting to hold her every day, waking her up in the morning, and putting her to bed at night. She felt her heart start to swell almost uncontrollably. It was so full of despair. She held her for what felt like forever, time frozen, the room still.

Brynn felt Adam’s hand on her shoulder and it startled her. She looked up and saw tears in his blue eyes. “You hold her, honey,” Brynn offered, her voice a small whisper.

“Keep her a little while longer,” Adam said, smiling down at her, blinded, barely able to see. He wiped the tears away and looked deep into her eyes. “Keep her as long as you want.”

Brynn held Sophie, talking to her, rocking her in her arms. She was careful not to talk about sad things.
I doubt she can understand but I’m not going to take the chance.

Adam watched her, mesmerized by the sound of Brynn’s voice. He loved watching her talk to Sophie. It confirmed what he had always known about her—Brynn was going to be a wonderful mother, even though she had no one to teach her, and no role models of her own. He felt his heart cracking, but he tried to stay strong just a little while longer. He knew that he would need to for Brynn.

She eventually handed Sophie over to Adam, and they took turns gently passing her back and forth. The nurse watched carefully from a distance, trying not to cry. This part never got any easier, no matter how many times she saw it, and this young couple was no exception.

“I love you, Sophie. I didn’t know if I could be a good Mommy, but here you are. And now I know that I can be. And I have you to thank for that,” Brynn fought back the sobs that were beginning to engulf her. Her heart felt like a raw open wound. Even Adam’s abandonment felt minimal compared to the pain she was feeling trying to let her daughter go.

Adam held her and Sophie tight, enveloping them with his arms. “Oh God, I wish I could just protect you from this, but I can’t!”

Brynn wasn’t for sure if he was talking to Sophie or if he was talking to her.

“I can’t do this. I can’t. Let. Her. Go.” Brynn was crying hard, her entire body shaking as she tried not to let herself scream. “I can’t say good-bye. I just can’t. I can’t!”

Adam held Brynn and Sophie tight. He didn’t want the moment to get past him. He didn’t know how he was going to survive. He looked at his small, beautiful daughter in the arms of the only woman he had ever loved, and he wanted to keep them like this, with him always. He couldn’t imagine how he was ever going to get Brynn past this, or how he was going to get past this.

Adam held Brynn through her sobs, tortured and raw, wishing that he could ease her pain. Brynn tried desperately to stop crying. She didn’t want Sophie to go without her realizing it, and she knew that if she kept crying that she would miss her last moments. She summoned her strength and quieted herself as best as she could.

Brynn held Sophie close, breathing in her sweet scent, and feeling the slight rise and fall of her chest as it moved slower and slower. They had given the doctor permission to stop the machines, knowing that it would mean an end to her suffering. Brynn didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know if Sophie would float away, or if she would cry. She just knew that she couldn’t let her go. She stared at her face. Will I know when she’s gone?

Brynn held her breath, waiting.

The doctor had said that after they stopped ‘taking measures,’ it wouldn’t be long. Brynn wanted it to last forever. She couldn’t bear the thought of letting her go.

They sat for an hour, and Brynn felt every minute as though it were a lifetime. She touched every tiny finger and toe, tracing them with her own fingers, enjoying the softness and the newness. She nuzzled Sophie, enjoying her smell, knowing that she would never get to smell her again, and praying that she would always remember what she smelled like.

Finally, Sophie was still, her tiny chest no longer moving and Brynn marveled at how she simply looked as though she were sleeping. Brynn gasped, realizing that Sophie didn’t move at all, as she looked at Adam helplessly. Adam blindly fumbled for the nurses call button, not seeing it through the tears that were flowing down his face. He stood up, unable to look at Brynn, unable to look at his daughter.

“Did we do the right thing? Adam? Oh God, did we do the right thing?” Brynn’s voice cracked as she begged Adam for an answer.

Adam nodded, his blue eyes dark and somber. “She’s not suffering anymore, Brynn. She isn’t in pain anymore.”

“But she never knew us. She never knew that we loved her.” Brynn held Sophie close to her chest, desperately searching her mind for a way she could be with her forever. She refused to believe that she was truly gone.

“She knew us, Brynn. She knew us before she was ever born. She knew we loved her. She loved us, even if only for a brief time. She knew, Brynn.” Adam couldn’t believe anything different. He knew that if it weren’t true, that nothing else in the world could ever make sense again.

Brynn nodded. She couldn’t see Adam or Sophie. She could only see the tears that kept coming no matter how hard she tried to make them stop.

Brynn handed the still bundle to Adam, and Adam took her, carefully. Adam held her and rocked her back and forth in his arms, humming quietly. Adam kissed Sophie’s cheek, taking in its softness and knowing he would always remember how it felt on his lips.

When he started to hand her back, Brynn shook her head. She didn’t want to hold her dead child any longer. She wanted the moment to be over. She wanted to stop looking at the tiny beautiful face that would have been her daughter. She just wanted to go home, and she didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

The nurse had been waiting respectfully, silently. She looked at Brynn who sat with her head in her hands on the bed. She refused to look at the nurse even though she could feel the heaviness of her eyes.

“Do you want to hold her one last time, and say good-bye?” the nurse said gently to Brynn.

Brynn was silent. The nurse waited.

Brynn stood up and walked toward the nurse. She walked as though she was in a daze, and the nurse recognized the glazed look in her eyes. Brynn took Sophie slowly and nuzzled her against her neck, knowing that this would be the last time that she would ever hold her.

“I love you more than you will ever know, and I will never forget you. Never.” Brynn kissed her on the cheek and then on the forehead, hating the coldness that was starting to settle into Sophie’s skin. She took one last look at Sophie’s face and couldn’t believe that she was going to have to live her life without her.

The nurse entered the room, quietly. Brynn handed Sophie to the nurse and immediately turned away unable to believe what she had just done The nurse quickly left the room, and the room fell eerily silent.

Neither Brynn nor Adam touched one another or spoke. Each was lost in their own pain oblivious to the other as they sat isolated and surrounded by a deep shroud of impenetrable sorrow. Without speaking, they both knew that absolutely nothing in their lives would ever be the same again.

CARLY SMILED AT PETEY.
She had been living with them for several years now, and after the initial first year, found that as time went on, she smiled more and more often. The biggest black spot in her life now were the headaches, the terrible headaches that always came, and then stayed for days.

Other than that, she had learned to be content with her life. The doctor told her that she may never get her memory back, and she was coming to terms with that. She wanted to know who she was and what her life was like before coming to live with Petey and Lily, but with every passing year, she found that it didn’t bother her quite as much.

“What are you smiling at, honey?” Petey said smiling back. He remained stunned by Amy’s beauty, as he was from the first moment that he saw her. He was careful to call her ‘Carly’ now, instead of ‘Amy’.
Carly, Carly, Carly. Don’t ever mess it up, Petey.
He had been calling her Carly for several years, but he was still afraid that he would forget and call her Amy one day. Amy didn’t know that he knew who she was. She thought he just found her wandering somewhere, and he had saved her from some terrible men who were trying to hurt her.

“You,” she said leaning her chin on her hands. “You’re so handsome and serious all of the time.” She pretended to pout.

“I just want you to be happy,” Petey said trying not to sound nervous. He leaned over and kissed her, feeling that familiar rush as he did so. He had never cared about anyone like he cared about her. For the first time in his life, he felt as though he had a lot to lose.

“I am,” Carly sighed happily. She busied herself making breakfast, knowing that Lily would be leaving for work soon at the veterinarian clinic.

“Why are you so happy?” Petey asked, curious.

“I don’t know. I woke up this morning and I felt… happy. I can’t explain it. I just felt at peace.” Carly shook her short blonde hair, mussing it up, and Petey felt his heart thump in his chest. He thought she was beautiful from the moment he saw her, which is why he couldn’t let Sy kill her as he had killed her husband. They met with such violence, Petey didn’t believe she would ever be able to let that go had she remembered what he did to her. He never believe she could have come to love him.
But she doesn’t remember!
Petey reminded himself.

Lily came into the kitchen silently. “Good morning,” she said brightly.

“Lily, I made breakfast,” Carly said proudly. She loved Lily like a sister and wanted her to be pleased. Lily had taken care of her, taught her how to cook, how to sew, and how to clean. Carly was ashamed of how much she didn’t know how to do, but Lily had taught her to be useful around the house.

“It looks wonderful,” Lily said, smiling at Carly with approval. Lily was surprised at what a quick learner Carly was. It was evident that Carly hadn’t cooked or cleaned in a long time, and Lily needed her to be able to help around the house. She was pleased and surprised at how eager Carly was, and was even more surprised that she wanted to learn how to sew. When Lily was offered a job, she and Petey were hesitant about leaving Carly alone, but she had already been with them for a couple of years, and there was no sign of her memory returning.

“I’m glad you found a job,” Carly said, looking at Lily. “You seem so much happier.”

“I am. Thank you.” Lily didn’t realize that it was so evident.

“I just wish that I could do more,” Carly said, a trace of sadness in her voice.

“You don’t need to work, honey. Not with your headaches. We will take care of you,” Petey said quickly. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Carly was quiet, busying herself with pouring coffee and juice and buttering the toast. “I haven’t had a headache in a month now,” she said quietly.

The room was silent, with only the sound of thoughtful chewing.

“You do a lot around here,” Lily said breaking the silence. “I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”

Carly smiled as she looked around the room. She had sewn the new curtains on the windows and repaired the tablecloth. She would do the laundry, clean the house, and had been cooking more and more of the meals. But she felt like she was missing something. She was happy, but she fought the feeling that she should be doing more.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart,” Petey said, his mouth full of eggs. It pained him to think that Carly could be unhappy. “You do plenty. If you’re bored, then I can get you a dog or…”

“I’m not bored,” Carly said quickly. “I’m happy. I’m just talking.”

Lily and Petey exchanged quick glances, each looking away quickly. Carly knew they were cousins, she knew that they looked out for her, but she didn’t really know who they were, or that they lived in fear every day that she would find out. They both loved her. She fulfilled a need in them that neither recognized until Petey inadvertently moved her in with Lily.

“Why don’t we do some online shopping when I get home?” Lily said, smiling. She knew how much Carly loved to shop online. She shopped for everything online with a small budget, and she enjoyed it.

“Okay. Or…” Carly paused, “Or… we could go into town and shop there.”

Carly didn’t miss the look that passed between the two people she loved the most. She had posed this question on numerous occasions, and every time she was denied.

“You know what we’ve said, Carly. It’s just not safe,” Lily said slowly. “We don’t know who was after you or why. We don’t want anything bad to happen to you, or for anyone to know where you are.”

“The men who were after you were bad men. We can’t protect you if they find out where you are,” Petey added.

Carly nodded. She knew what they would say. She knew that it didn’t matter how many times she asked, she knew that the answer would still be the same. She wanted to be safe, but she didn’t feel like she was in danger. She couldn’t imagine who would ever try to hurt her, or why anyone would ever want to, but then again, she couldn’t remember. She couldn’t remember anything, and she was trying to find happiness in her current state, but sometimes it was just too hard.

“Okay,” Carly said with a small smile. “I’m ruining breakfast.”

“I know it’s hard, but it will be okay. You’ll see,” Lily said getting up and hugging her tight. “I hate to see you sad. Try to be happy. You are with people who love you.”

“I can stay with you for a while,” Petey said, wiping his mouth as he finished the last of his breakfast. “If you want.”

Carly smiled. “I’d like that.”