Losing Eva (The Eva Series Book 2) (18 page)

Brynn looked at Jane helplessly. “I don’t know how to do this.”

Jane grabbed Brynn and pulled her into Brynn’s office. “There is nothing to it. Just talk. Just be yourself. Don’t you want to be happy?”

“He lives out of town. There’s no point.”

“Brynn, honey. You don’t have to marry him. You don’t have to sleep with him. Just talk to him. Make a new friend.” Jane was smiling but Brynn could tell she was getting frustrated with her.

“I don’t know if I can be happy. Look at my life. I don’t even know if I want to be happy.”

Jane pulled out a comb from Brynn’s desk drawer, and started combing through Brynn’s gnarled hair. “I don’t even know what to say to that. If you want to be miserable all of your life, I can’t make you do anything else. But Brynn, you have to start making some choices. Adam is gone for good. He is never coming back.”

“I know,” Brynn said wincing. “Stop combing my hair, I’m not five. I can do it!”

Jane smiled. “You have five minutes. He just ordered, and he’s asked about you five times already. You should have seen his face when he came back from the bathroom and you were gone.”

Brynn winced again. “I felt bad about that.”

“You should have,” Jane said as she headed toward the door. “Five minutes and then I’m coming in for you. And don’t even think about sneaking out.”

Brynn sighed. She went into the tiny bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror.
Bags! From crying, I knew it!

She frantically pulled out her makeup bag and went to work.

After a couple of minutes, she looked into the mirror and smiled.
Well, better. But not great.
She looked at her long dark hair. It was in desperate need of a cut, and there wasn’t much that could be done with it other than comb it and smooth it out a little.
Oh no, five minutes are up.

Brynn walked into the hallway toward the dining room and took a deep breath.
Deep breaths, deep breaths
. She spotted the back of Nick’s head and approached him slowly.

“Hey, there,” Brynn said, trying to sound casual.

He looked up just as he was putting a huge bite of mashed potatoes in his mouth, and smiled.

“Oh, hi, Houdini,” he said, smirking.

Brynn blushed. “I’m sorry.”

Nick stood up, towering over her. Brynn forgot how tall he was. “Please, sit down.”

Brynn looked around the dining room. The late dinner crowd was slower than usual, which Brynn was grateful for, because she knew that if it were busy that she wouldn’t be able to relax.

She sat down, feeling awkward.

“We don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to,” Nick said, as if he were reading her mind.

“Oh no. It’s fine,” Brynn said eyeing his plate. “Besides, you’ve hardly eaten anything.”

Nick laughed, and Brynn thought for a second how much she liked his laugh.

“I’ve been eating here all day. I only left for a few hours, then I came back for lunch, and then I came back for dinner.”

“I thought you had to work?” Brynn said, feeling very guilty.

“I had a meeting after lunch,” Nick smiled. Brynn felt herself getting lost in his smile, and tried desperately to look away without being too obvious.

“Seriously, I’m stuffed. Let’s go somewhere else,” Nick said pulling out his wallet.

“Oh, no! I’ll have Jane take care of your dinner. It’s the least I can do since you are now a part of our frequent diner program,” Brynn said putting her hand on his before she could stop herself, and then abruptly pulling it away.

“Thank you. I suppose it’s the least you could do since you Houdini’d me earlier,” Nick teased making Brynn blush again. “Well, where to?”

Brynn thought for a moment and her mind was blank. She rarely went out, and the first place that came to her mind was the restaurant where she and Adam had their last anniversary dinner, which felt like a century ago. Brynn shook her head trying to erase the memory.

“Are you okay?” Nick asked concerned.

“I’m fine. I just… don’t know where to go,” Brynn said embarrassed.

Nick stood up and disappeared for a moment. He came back and grabbed Brynn’s hand pulling her from the seat. She was pleasantly surprised at the boldness of the gesture, and how it made her heart pound.

“Where are we going?” Brynn asked as he pulled her out of the door.

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out,” Nick said opening the door of his modest rental car.

The fall air was cool, and Brynn took a moment to breathe it in. This was her favorite time of the year with the crisp leaves and the closing of summer. The smell of the air made her wish for the thousandth time that life could just be simple, not that it ever was. She looked over at her new friend and wondered if it would ever be possible.

Nick caught her eye and gestured for her to get in. As he closed the door, Brynn felt her heart expand for a brief moment at the promise of the evening. She wasn’t accustomed to feeling so hopeful, and it terrified her.

Nick got in swiftly beside her and buckled his seatbelt. He squeezed her hand quickly, and gave her a warm smile.

“Are you ready?” he asked sensing her nervousness.

“Yes,” Brynn said smiling wide. “I believe that I am.”

ELLIE WAS HAPPY
for how the world was evolving.

She no longer had to stick needles in her arms. She could just smoke her drugs, or snort them. It wasn’t like the old days when she had to stick herself time and time again making her feel like a human pin cushion. But the drugs were a lot of the same with some wonderful new ones thrown in the mix, and she was thankful for that. She needed them, all of them.

She couldn’t take the guilt anymore. First, it was Eva, then Jonas, Noah, and Dylan. Dylan who was sent to prison for kidnapping Noah, and then being killed right before his release.
Poor bastard didn’t even know that Noah wasn’t his.
Ellie thought about all of the people she had hurt in her life.

My Momma and Daddy were killed because of me. Jonas said so.

She knew that she had no proof, but in her heart, she knew that he was telling the truth. On his deathbed, there was no reason for him to lie to her. Not when the truth would hurt her so much.
Jonas loved to hurt me. He lived to hurt me. He showed his love for me by hurting me.

After abandoning Eva, Ellie prayed for a long time for redemption. But she knew that she was never going to get it.
It’s too late. There is no redemption now, no forgiveness. I don’t know how I ever thought there would be.

Ellie lit up.

She inhaled the stench, and she smiled. She didn’t want to feel anything else, or think about anything else. She just wanted to be numb.

She took a sip of the vodka she had poured. It burned. Almost like rubbing alcohol. But she loved it. She loved how it felt running down the back of her throat. After a few minutes, she felt the familiar numbness starting to settle in. She smoked, she drank, she swallowed, she sipped, she inhaled, and then she swallowed again.

She slumped back into her big comfy chair, the one she liked to disappear into when she wanted to get lost. It was the one thing she had shipped from home to the apartment she was staying in while she tried to woo Brynn. It was her one comfort.

Ellie thought about Noah, his face swirling around in her hazy thoughts.
My sweet, sweet boy.

She thought about when he was born, when the doctors realized that he was different. She hated herself for how her first thought was that she deserved better and should give him away.
What kind of awful, terrible person thinks that about their kid? I’m terrible and awful. I’ve done nothing worthwhile my entire life.

Ellie thought about how she left him, like she had left Eva.
It was for the best. I would have been a terrible mother. I was a terrible mother. I had two children, and I abandoned them both.

Ellie tried to get out of the chair, but her legs felt numb beneath her. She struggled and made it up, spilling her vodka all over her pretty lace nightgown.
Shit!

She stumbled over to the bathroom and looked into the vanity at her reflection.

Old. You got old.

She pulled at her eyes and pinched the skin on her forearms.
Well, you still look pretty Damn good for what you’ve been through in life.

Her eyes were bloodshot, and her brown hair was a tangled mess, but Ellie could still see traces of the fifteen-year-old girl she once was buried deep within. Her skin was not as tight and youthful as it once was, and all of the smoking and late nights were starting to show their wear and tear on her face, but men still looked, though not as hard and long as they once did. Ellie reluctantly had to admit that the quality of men that were looking at her now wasn’t what it once was, either.

Ellie thought for a moment about her mother. She didn’t think of her often, and when Amy’s pretty face popped up in her head, she often pushed her away. But today would have been her birthday, and Ellie couldn’t make her go away no matter how hard she tried.

Damn you, Momma. Why did you leave me alone?
“Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?” Ellie cried out loud, her voice ragged, her words slurring together.

She had never admitted it out loud to anyone, but Ellie’s heart broke sometimes from missing her Momma. Her relationship with Momma had always been complicated, but Ellie’s heart couldn’t deny that she still needed her. It felt like an unbelievable amount of time since she had seen her last.

“Why did you leave me? Momma, why did you abandon me? Oh Daddy, why? Why?” Ellie turned toward her comfy chair and tried to walk toward it but the tears were blinding her. The ground had started moving, and Ellie’s stomach didn’t feel very good. Ellie reached out to hold on to something to steady herself. She felt nothing but air around her. The ground came up fast and smacked her on the face, and Ellie realized that she was no longer standing. She tried to move to stand up, but realized that it wasn’t so bad where she was.

The floor was cool on her cheek. “If I cou jus’ ge’my… shit ‘tgether, things cou be diffrnt,” she mumbled to herself. “I cou do it. I cou take Noah, and we cou be together.”

Ellie tried to pick up her head, but realized that it hurt too much to move. Her head felt wet, which didn’t make sense.
Vo-ka?
She tried to lift her hand up but it felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.
Shit. Sticky. Sticky? Wha the hell iz so sticky?
Ellie saw a puddle surrounding her head, and Ellie was mesmerized at how pretty it looked on the wood floor. She finally moved her hand and touched it. Red. Ellie felt her eyes closing as she fought to keep them open.

Red. Ellie saw the pool widening around her and felt it reaching her cheek. She couldn’t move her head away no matter how hard she tried.
So tired. I’ll wake up tomorrow an’ have someone clean thissup.
She was tired, and she felt herself starting to fade, she needed sleep.

I’ll have someone clean thissup. I promiss.
Ellie thought about how mad whoever found this mess was going to be.

And then she thought nothing.

“JANE TOLD ME
where to take you,” Nick said to Brynn as they drove, destination unknown. “That is, after she made me give her my driver’s license so she could make a copy and asked me every detail about my life. I believe she may have even Googled me while she was standing right in front of me.”

“Oh God!” Brynn said, wishing she could crawl under a rock.

Nick laughed. “You can’t be too careful these days. You’re lucky you have such good friends. She really cares about you.”

Brynn nodded uncomfortably.
What am I doing here? I don’t even know him! What was I thinking?
After a few minutes, they pulled into a little local winery, one of Jane’s favorite places.

“Oh, I should have known,” Brynn said smiling.

“She said they have a wonderful Riesling, and to have you try it,” Nick said knowingly.

They walked into the winery, and Brynn was impressed with how cozy it was with the nice leather chairs and the fireplace. It was a perfect night for a fire, and the winery was taking full advantage of it.

Nick chose a comfortable little table away from the crowd where they could sit and talk.

After they ordered a bottle of Riesling, they sat back in their chairs looking at one another. Brynn could feel the chemistry between them. She had felt it the moment she had met him, and it was electrifying, like a constant current was running between them.

With Adam, it had been more sweet and innocent. This felt more daring, more exciting, and completely different.

“What do you think?” Nick said, his warm voice interrupting her thoughts.

“I’m sorry, about what?” Brynn blushed, wondered if she had missed a part of the conversation.

“Of the winery. What do you think of the winery?” Nick asked, amused, his hazel eyes dancing from the light of the fireplace.

“Oh,” Brynn was embarrassed.
He must think that I am a complete idiot!
“It’s nice, cozy. I can see why Jane likes it so much.”

“It’s very nice,” Nick said looking around appreciatively and then looking directly at Brynn. “So, tell me about yourself. You seem like you’ve had an interesting life.”

Brynn was taken aback by his directness. She had never had anyone look right at her the way that he did, and it unnerved her.

“Um, I don’t know about interesting. I, uh, well, I just…”

“Okay, I’ll tell you about me first, and then you can talk if you want.” Nick laughed in such a way that Brynn could tell that he wasn’t laughing at her, and she appreciated his thoughtfulness.

Brynn was thankful for the wine in front of her. She held onto the glass like a security blanket and took big gulps trying to calm herself down as she listened to him talk. She liked the depth of his voice and how warm it made her feel when he spoke. His voice put her in a trance, and she felt as though she could listen to him talk all night. Her mind started drifting, and she realized that she wanted to listen to him talk to her all night, and then listen to him talk to her in the morning. She blushed, embarrassed, and hoped that he wouldn’t notice.