Losing Him (22 page)

I’m not just going to let you go without a fight.

I wish you would, Jess. What you’re doing right now is hurting me even more. Please let me do this. I promise you’ll be happy that I did.

Heather, you’re wrong.

Goodnight, Jess.

It was a good thing that I was already sitting on the living room floor, because I don’t think my legs would have held me up as I broke down again. My phone fell to the floor and I wept. More than anything, I wanted to be with my family. How could he imply that I wasn’t thinking of them?

Did he understand that I wanted more than to be with someone because they felt sorry for me?

The more I tried to calm down, the harder it was to rationalize with myself. As I grew older I started to wonder things in life. One thing I always stumbled upon was the question if things happen for a reason. If everything in my life had been for a reason; perhaps some kind of test, was I on the right path? Was being with my family something I was just going to have to stick out? What would happen to my mother’s house; the house she raised me and my brother in, through good times and bad? How could I walk away from all that I had left of them?

It was as if I was being torn in two. I wanted to make the right choices so that I could be a better person, a loyal mother and a loving person to whoever would want me in that way. I wasn’t desperate, but finding happiness was always the goal.

After turning off all of the lights in the house, I retreated to my mother’s room. When I walked in, I realized that it was the last place that Jessie had slept. The covers were still pulled down on one side. I crawled in, exactly where he laid his head the night before. The pillow acted as my best friend while I hugged it and wailed some more.

There were so many reasons that I should be with Jessie and so many reason that I should walk away.

I was completely confused.

Finally, I sat up, turned on the light and looked around the room. My mother still had clothes hanging on the back of her closet door, preventing it from closing. I climbed out of bed and walked over to it.

As I opened the door, I noticed that all of her favorite outfits were neatly hung and color coordinated. On the top there was a shelf and a few boxes. One box was labeled
Heather
.

My heart started beating profusely out of my chest as I reached up and grabbed the box. Since my mother had meticulously labeled everything else in the house, I couldn’t believe that I had missed this. Although, her room was going to be the last room that I cleaned out. I still couldn’t handle getting rid of her things. Each item was so precious to me and still a big piece of her.

When I had the box in my hands, I took it over to the bed and sat down. After taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down, I opened the lid.

It was full of pictures and trinkets from places that we’d gone together. She had movie stubs and little items that she got when we went places. She had pictures of me growing up and lastly she had a white envelope with my name on it.

My hands were shaking as I opened it up to read it.

Dear Heather:

If you’re reading this, I’ve passed on and am no longer suffering, so please don’t be sad. I put up a good fight and enjoyed all of the years that I had being your mother. I’m not really sure which letter you’re going to find first. If you haven’t been up to the attic, there is something special up there just for you.

I put this box together of all the special places we went together. I hope you can enjoy these memories and think of me in a time where I wasn’t sick. Being your mother was always what kept me going.

I don’t know if you’ve spoken to the lawyers, but there was something that I didn’t include for him to know. In this box is a key to the First National Bank and Trust of North Carolina. I need you to take this key with a copy of my death certificate. They know you’re coming.

You see, I had to take out money to pay to help your brother, but I knew all along that I had something special to give to you. Inside that safe deposit box is your future Heather. Don’t be frugal with it. Take care of Noah and your family.

No matter where you go, or what you’re doing, I’ll always be there with you.

You are my most special little blessing. There was never a day that I didn’t love you completely. Be kind to yourself.

Love you always,

Mom

My hands were so shaky that I almost couldn’t finish reading. For months I’d worried about what I was going to do. Whatever was in that box could solve all of those problems.

I had to get to that box.

Chapter 30

Jessie

How could I sleep knowing she was doing this to me? There was no way that I was going to be able to wait a couple weeks for whatever Amy had planned. I needed answers now!

I’d never asked Heather for anything or forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do. As far as boyfriends went, I thought I was pretty good at treating her right. After her accident I had put everything behind us. Seeing her there, so close to death changed something in me. I no longer cared about where she came from or how she ended up at my doorstep. All I wanted to do was have her in my arms.

For obvious reasons, I didn’t talk about things that upset her, but always listened when she had something to say. This was all just making no sense. Sure, before her accident, maybe I had said some things pertaining to her being a pity fuck. Perhaps that’s where she got the idea that I was just feeling sorry for her.

She couldn’t be more wrong about it.

After I’d gotten Jacob off to school, I decided to go and talk to my parents. They needed to know about my decisions since some of them directly involved my future at the bed and breakfast. As much as I appreciated that they’d brought me up, sent me to college, and given me a business, I needed to think about my boy and what was best for him.

Only seeing him on weekends wasn’t an option.

In the beginning, before they knew why she’d come, my parents liked Heather. They thought she was smart and beautiful. It wasn’t until the truth came out that they changed their minds and decided that I needed to get as far away from her as physically possible.

The problem with that was she was pregnant. As angry and hurt as I was, I knew that I was obligated to be responsible. I think all along I knew that I still loved Heather. In a way it was as if I was fighting myself. No matter who I dated or where I went, no woman compared to her. It wasn’t just sexually either, I actually enjoyed her company. I liked knowing she was safe with me and with Jacob.

My mother was surprised to see me walk into their kitchen. “Jessie, what brings you here today?”

“I need to talk to you and Dad. Is he around?”

“He’s playing golf with Franklin. Is there an emergency?” Right away she seemed concerned.

I sat down across from her at the little round table. “It’s about Heather.”

She rolled her eyes. “What now?”

I rubbed my face and tried not to get too frustrated with her. She was just looking out for me. “I can already tell that you’re not going to be happy, but she hasn’t done anything bad, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Well, I never know what to expect when it comes to that girl. The only thing she does well is be a mother. I’ll give her that.” It was a start. I’d take it.

“Ever since her mother died she’s been having trouble letting go. As much as she wants to move on, she’s struggling with it. After she lost her position at the hospital and her license, she changed.”

“So, your splitting up again? I knew it was bound to happen.” My mother always assumed that she knew what I was thinking.

I placed my hands down flat on the table. “Mother, please just listen to me. I didn’t end things with Heather. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

Her mouth dropped. She covered her face with her hands. “And you’re here for my blessing?”

“Not just your blessing.” I hesitated, knowing she wasn’t going to like what I said to her next. “I’m thinking about moving to North Carolina. Maybe not permanently, but for a while.”

She stood up and walked into the next room. The open floor plan allowed me to see her pacing around. “Your father is not going to be happy about this. I assured him that you were ready to take over the B and B. Now, you tell me that you want to walk away from it, for a girl that has caused you nothing but trouble. I thought we raised you better than this!”

“I thought you raised me to make my own decisions. I love her and you know it. Part of the reason that we kept breaking up was because you and everyone else disapproved so much. I’m sick of letting everyone else make my decisions for me. Like it or not, Heather is the mother of my son. I want us to be family, because it’s about time I do the right thing in this situation.” The look on her face said it all. I’d broken her heart by choosing the wrong person, in her eyes. Sure, she wanted me to marry some wealthy socialite’s daughter. She wanted me to be successful and plan each of my children based on our financial status. I got that she wanted that for me, but it wasn’t close to what I wanted for myself.

“You’re an adult now, so it isn’t up to me or your father. If you already made the decision, why are you even asking me what I think?”

“Because, you are my mother and I want you and Dad to be a part of any decision I make. Heather wants that too.” Okay, I really hadn’t asked her that, but it sounded good. “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“Of course I do!” She waved her hands around like it was a rhetorical question.

“Then I’m going to marry Heather. I can still own the B and B from out of state. Trust me, I thought about this all last night. I have a good management team on staff and me being there isn’t necessary. Need be, I can make the commute and handle things as they come up. Come on, Mom, you’ve ran that business for years. You and I both know that it isn’t necessary for me to be in that office every single day. I can do all of the financials from my home office, Hell, I do most of it there as it is.” Even if she acted like it couldn’t be done, I knew she wasn’t being honest. It could not only be done, I was already doing it. Sure, I got a lot of calls with questions, but everything could be done without me being there.

My mother got quiet for a couple minutes. I could see that it pained her to hear me say I was moving away. If anyone was in the position to be able to do it, it was me. My house was paid for and my business could basically run itself. While away, I was going to look into property and see if I could find another bed and breakfast to buy.

They weren’t hard to operate and the overhead wasn’t much, after the furniture and licenses were taken care of.

I was going on no sleep at all, but thinking clearer than I had in a long time. I was prepared to fight for what I wanted and also finally tell Heather exactly how I felt about her, since Amy claimed that women didn’t get it until they heard the words.

“You’re sure this is what you want?” My mother was calm and collected, but behind the façade I knew she was steaming mad.

“Yes.”

“I’m sure your father would fill in for you in your absence if there was ever an emergency. The rest we can sort out at a later time. I can’t promise that he will be happy about this decision. You know how he likes to be the first to know about these kind of decisions.”

“I know, but there’s nothing he can say to make me change my mind. With or without his blessing, I’m going to do what is best for my family. I’d hope that he can respect that. I’m not doing any of this to piss you off or disappoint you.”

She walked over to me and put her palm on my cheek. “I don’t know when you grew up and became so responsible. I may not agree with your choices, but I’m proud of the man that you’ve become.” Tears formed in her eyes and I could see that she didn’t want me to go away.

I hugged her tightly. “Mom, I am going to try to come home every weekend. We’ll use the house as a weekend house. Jacob will be able to see you often while I check on things. In the summer, he can come visit for as long as you want.”

“What does Heather think about this? Was it her idea?”

I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t her idea. She doesn’t even know the decision has been made. She has no idea that I’m asking her to marry me.”

“How do you know she’ll say yes?” I looked at my mother, with her gray hair and her deep blue eyes, she was still a pretty lady. My father had less grays and kept himself busy so he looked younger than he was. They were the only parents that I’d ever known and it meant the world to me that they’d given me such a good life and upbringing. I was lucky and always wanted them to know how much I appreciated them. “She could tell you she isn’t ready.”

I had to chuckle, because I really didn’t know what her answer would be. I was hoping she would say yes, but anything was possible at this point. “I’m optimistic she would. I know she loves me.”

She smiled. “Yes, she does. I think you’re the reason that girl is changed. It was your love that helped her want to be a better person. We all make mistakes, but it takes a strong person to admit that and do something about it.”

“Will you be able to accept her as your daughter-in-law?”

She took a second to gather her thoughts again. For a second, I thought she was going to say no. “If she makes my son happy, than I will be happy. I just don’t want to see that revolving door like it’s always been. This commitment needs to be permanent. Marriage isn’t easy. I’ve had so many times when I wanted to walk away from your father, but at the end of the day, my heart wouldn’t let me. If you really want to take this step, I want you to promise me that it means you will give it your all.”

“I promise. I want nothing more than to be with Heather and Jacob every day for the rest of my life.”

She raised her eyebrow. “I guess it’s settled then.”

I got close enough to hug my mother again. I knew she wasn’t thrilled, but she’d come around like she always did.