Losing to Win (22 page)

 

 

“W
ith a combined weight loss of close to one hundred pounds and our highest point total ever, the winners of this year's
Losing to Win
are Carissa Wayne and Malachi Knight. Tell us, how do you feel?” Jim asked gleefully. We were in the grand ballroom of the Westin Galleria in Houston taping the show's finale. There was not one of us who wasn't ready to be over and done with this show. I was in a clingy peacock blue tank dress that I would not wear again after tonight. It was great that I fit in the size 6, but that didn't mean I wanted to showcase all the goods. I preferred to dress with a little more mystery. The five-inch stilettos were a no-go as well. They were silver and sparkly and cute but hurt like hell. I was never one to sacrifice comfort for cute. Mal was in a black suit that emphasized the broad expanse of his shoulders and the taper down to his waist. He shifted closer and gave me a look indicating that it was my turn to talk.

Since we were finally nearing the end, I was able to dial up the good-humored smile one more time. “I feel great, Jim, really terrific. Every day has been a monumental struggle, but I can truly say it's all been worth it in the end,” I responded graciously. It was easy to be gracious now that the experience was over.

Honestly, the whole television part of it was a giant pain in the ass. The lack of privacy, the intrusion into and disruption of day-to-day living, the pseudocelebrity status? Hated it. But working out, spending time with people I liked (Suzette excluded), and getting paid for it? That part turned out okay. Even though I had dreaded reconnecting with Malachi, finally putting the past in the past was worth it as well.

“Mal, what about you?”

He grinned widely. “What can I tell you, Jim? This show has given me back the things and people that are important to me. I feel great.” I made sure to keep my face neutral.

“You're the starting receiver for the Houston Stars. What are your immediate plans?”

“Play football, see if I can talk a certain lady into spending more time with me, and maybe eat a burger. Not necessarily in that order.”

Just then, they brought out a gigantic paper check with our names on it. Confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling, and Mal and I struck a pose holding the million-dollar check.

“What are you going to do with the money?” Jim asked, being intrusive for hopefully the last time.

Mal and I had discussed this so our answer was prepared. “After helping out a few folks in Belle Haven, we'll be opening up the Wayne-Knight foundation,” Mal supplied. “The purpose of the foundation is to reach out to teens who want the opportunity to go on to a facility of higher education. We're going to provide counseling and activities and scholarship opportunities.”

Jim looked stunned. “Wow, that's impressive.”

I offered up another smile. “Well, we both believe in giving back. Community activism has long been a goal of ours.”

“Any other projects, maybe of a more personal nature, that you want to tell us about?” Jim prompted.

Mal leveled a hard stare his direction. “Nothing we'd care to share with the viewing public at this time.”

“You know I had to try.” Jim tried for an innocent look.

“Yes. We know,” I responded.

“All right, then.” He went back into glitzy announcer-speak. “Great season! Best of luck to you two and all of our contestants. Until next year, you have been watching
Losing to Win
! Good night, everybody!”

“And cut!” Bliss called out. “That's a wrap. We'll get everybody back together for a reunion show later in the year or in January, depending on schedules. It's been our best season ever!”

I was a wreck. I hadn't slept well last night. I unclipped the microphone and handed Malachi the giant check. We'd already deposited the real one into an account.

“Carissa, can we have a moment?” Bliss asked.

I nodded as Jordan also called out, “Can I see you for a minute or two as well?”

Oh. Okay, then. Mal folded his arms and looked at me. His expression very clearly asked, “What are you going to do?”

Well, this was it. I exhaled a shaky breath. I had to make decisions about the future right now. I had put it off and ducked it and avoided questions and hints and probes for months. It was time to pay the piper. In my mind, I still flip-flopped. Take a chance on Jordy or stick with Mal? Houston or Belle Haven? Was staying with Mal a move forward or a step back? Would I eventually feel for Jordy what I knew was there with Mal?
Come on, Carissa, choose already!
My internal dialogue was going a mile a minute.

“Bliss, can you give me a few minutes?” Without waiting for a response, I turned to Mal. “See you at home in a little while.” I took a step toward Jordan. “Come walk with me for a sec, Jordy.” I paused at the sound of Malachi's voice calling my name.

“I'll be waiting,” he announced with significant snap to his voice before exiting in the opposite direction.

There was a small hospitality suite set up as a dressing room on the right side of the ballroom. I ushered Jordy into it and shut the door behind us. So this was it. Lead with my head or my heart? Play it smart or go for broke? What did I want my life to be?

“What's it going to be, Carissa?” Jordan asked without preamble.

“What's next for you? Where are you headed?” I countered.

“I've been wanting to get back to New Orleans for a while. When my marriage fell apart, I started putting some feelers out. I've been offered a partnership in a program to counsel at-risk kids in New Orleans. With or without you, I'm headed back there.”

“Then I guess I'll see you next weekend when I come visit.” The words coming out of my mouth surprised me.

“As...a friend?” he probed.

“As a friend who'd like to be more.”

His face lit up. “Really? You're leaving Mal?”

That was what I didn't want. I didn't want it to be a Jordy versus Mal thing. It was about what was best for me. I wanted a good guy that I could trust and build something with. Someone who would always put me first and have my back no matter what. To my way of thinking, it was just a matter of time before the fame and the glam life transformed Mal into that guy I left before. I was cutting my losses before that happened. I couldn't put myself at risk like that. Not again. If it all fell apart, I wasn't sure I could put the pieces back together again. Maybe I was running scared, but I was running to where I knew I'd be safe. “What I'm doing is exploring an opportunity for a relationship with you.”

He stared at me insistently seeking clarification. “But no Mal.”

“No Mal,” I repeated.

“You haven't told him yet,” Jordan observed.

“I have not. But I will tonight. I'll head back to Belle Haven right after.”

Jordan tugged me into his arms. “I've been patient, but damn, I wanted this day to come.”

“You've been extraordinarily patient and understanding,” I murmured as I hugged him back. “And I appreciate it.”

He pressed a kiss on my forehead before sliding his lips along my jaw to land on my lips. With a murmur, he parted my lips with his tongue and kissed me deeply. Okay, it didn't stir me. It was nice, but I didn't feel the sizzle.

Carissa
, I told myself,
sizzle is what got you burned before
. Passion can grow. But I'd be lying if I said that kiss didn't make me feel a little bit guilty. Like I was cheating. I shook off the feeling, squeezed his hands, and stepped back. “I'll see you this weekend. I've got to go.”

“I'll be waiting,” he promised. He was the second man in the last half hour to say as much. It gave me pause. I waited for a feeling of calm, a validation that I was doing the right thing to settle over me. It didn't come. Instead, I squeezed his hand and went to look for Bliss.

I caught up with the production team a few doors down. Pushing the door open, I made my announcement bluntly. “Hey, guys. I'm not doing the new show.”

“Why not?” Marcy pressed.

“Flat out, I don't want to. It's not my thing. I appreciate the offer and the opportunity, but I'm done.”

Ren looked as though he wanted to argue, but Bliss put her hand on his arm. “If you ever change your mind, especially if you and Mal end up together, let us know. Even if it's just to do a wedding show. Really, we'd front the whole thing. Just think about it. You two were ratings gold.”

I didn't want to burst her bubble. “Well, thank you, I'll bear that in mind. Safe travels to you all. It's been quite the experience working with you.” I headed back into the hallway to find my purse. I ran into Niecy first.

“What did you just do?” she asked angrily.

“Why?” I took a step back.

“I know you. I know that look on your face. It says I've done something stupid and now I'm conflicted.” She stared me down, waiting for my answer.

This was the blessing and curse with good friends. They knew you even when you didn't want them to. I sighed. “I might be somewhat conflicted. I just did either the smartest or dumbest thing ever.”

She literally slammed her hands on her hips and stomped her foot. “Oh Lord, Carissa. Don't tell me you're giving Jordy a chance? I love Jordan, I do. I've spent all summer wondering why a guy like that is willing to wait for a woman who is so clearly meant for someone else. If I thought you could give Jordan what he deserves, I'd back you 100 percent. But this right here is some next-level bullshit.” Meshach stepped into the hallway and she waved him away. “Cari, don't do this.”

“Don't you think I should try with Jordy?” I wondered.

“Sure. In another lifetime, maybe, when you don't already have the perfect damn lifemate wrapped around your finger. Jesus, Carissa! What are you doing with your life?”

That stung. I really thought she'd applaud my decision. It was the smart thing to do, after all. “Ouch. I thought I was being smart this time.”

“Who gives a shit about smart or stupid when it comes to love?” She was borderline screaming at me. “You either love Mal or you don't.”

“Um...” I couldn't think with all the swirling noise in my head.

“Girl, do not play games right now. Do you or do you not love Malachi Knight?”

“Dammit, of course I do. He is the love of my freakin' life!” I admitted. “But...”

“But what? You're in love with Mal, but you're going to try Jordy on for size? How is that fair to either one of them?”

I argued, “What about me? I want to put me first this time.”

She rolled her eyes. “I'm sorry. I do not understand. What is it about being with the man you love in a gorgeous home you designed, running the foundation you've always dreamed of that equates to not putting yourself first? Please define this concept for me.”

Niecy was really heated with me. Listening to her did cause me to second-guess my thinking. “I just thought...”

“You didn't think, you ran scared. That's not the Carissa Wayne I know. And if you did have a thought rattling around in that mind of yours, maybe you thought that you owed Mal a little payback for how things went last go-round and this was your chance to get it. You went and got all thin and successful and now another man, a great man, wants you. So now you can say, ‘Take that, Mal Knight!'”

“That's not how it is,” I claimed, weakly wondering if that wasn't a little part of what it was.

“Is that what's going on here, Carissa? Am I the rebound guy to make your ex know what he's missing?” Jordan asked softly from behind me. Niecy whistled low and disappeared behind a door. I hadn't even realized Jordan was still in the building.

I pivoted slowly. “Jordy...”

He put his hands up. “Never mind. I overheard you say that you still love Mal. You called him the love of your life. Were you hoping that falling in love with me would help you fall out of love with him?”

“That's really not what I was thinking.” But damned if I could explain at that moment exactly how I thought this would all work out.

“I don't want to convince a woman—you especially—to fall in love with me. I had one woman leave because she thought I wasn't what she wanted. I don't need to go through that again. I won't go through that again. I don't want to be with you looking over my shoulder for the next Malachi Knight sighting, wondering if that time will be the inevitable time when he takes you away from me. I'm not going to be that guy.”

“I wouldn't do that to you, Jordy. If we're together, it would be you and me,” I protested.

“You wouldn't want to do it to me, but I think we both know that in the end, Mal is the guy you're going to be with. He's the guy you're supposed to be with, apparently. I knew this, but I had to try. You know this, but you won't admit it for whatever reason. Either way, I definitely don't want to be the guy you chose because you thought I was the safe pick. I want to be the one who brings a sparkle to your eyes when you enter the room; I want your breath to catch when I step near. I want to be the only one who makes you feel that way. I deserve to be the love of someone's life.”

In that instant, I got it. And I felt more than a little ashamed for what I had almost done to this nice guy who did nothing wrong but want to be with me. I flung my arms around him and squeezed. “I'm so sorry, Jordy. You don't know how much I really want you to be that guy.” It would be so much easier if I was head over heels in love with Jordy. But of course, I couldn't do things the easy way.