Lost (23 page)

  Eventually, after 15 minutes alone at the bar, I decided to look for Peter.  I knew he might need me and I wanted to be there for him, like he always was for me. 

  What I didn't expect to see was him surrounded by his 2 sisters and mother yelling in the hallway toward the washrooms.
  Listening to the way he spoke, I was shocked.  He was angry and aggressive and so unlike the man I knew, I could do nothing but stand still listening.
  “Did you tell her?” Kara yelled.
  “Not yet.”
  “She has to know.  You have to tell her.  It's wrong and you know it.  You
know
this, Peter,” Kara continued yelling as his other sister looked at him nodding.
  “Peter
please...
You're doing so well, but she needs to know, honey,” his mother jumped in.
  “You're just trying to ruin this for me.  You always ruin everything for me!” Peter yelled right in Kara's face scaring me.
  “Oh,
really?
” Kara spat back.  “Peter, I’ve ruined nothing!  But you're going to.  Tell her the truth.  Tell her what you do!”
  And as I waited with bated breath, Peter grabbed his hair, and cried out, “I can't.  Nothing’s happening right now and I don't want this to break-” but then he suddenly looked down the hall at me, and his distress quickly turned to relief.  He looked at me like I was a lifeline and he needed me to pull him to safety.  He looked at me for that split second like I was everything he had ever needed, so I walked to him.
  “Tell me what?” I asked calmly.
  “I'll tell you at home.  It's nothing,” he soothed walking up to me while taking my hand.
  “Peter!  It's not nothing.  It's everything!” Kara screamed as Peter turned back to her.
  “Shut your mouth, Kara.  You're such a bitch trying to ruin my life and I won't let you!  Not again.”
  “Sophie!  Listen to me!” She screamed again, but Peter turned us so quickly, I was whipped around on my heels
  “Fuck OFF, Kara.  You're not doing this.  Let’s go, Sophie,” he said pulling my arm harder down the hall.
 

  As I scrambled to catch up we didn't say goodbye to anyone, and we didn't pause at the door.  Peter grabbed our coats from the coat check station silently, and pushed me outside with my arms holding my coat closed against me from the cold.
  When we got to my car, I tried to speak but Peter shook his head no.  Shaking, I didn't even know what to do or say.  So wordless and stunned I did nothing, even as Peter opened my door and helped me inside.
  Running around my car, Peter started it and backed out so quickly, I couldn't even grab my seatbelt fast enough before we were peeling out of the driveway onto a main road.  From inside heat and noise, to the chaos of Peter’s driving on the slick roads I was stunned silent, until my tears began to fall. 

  Sudden and without pause, tears poured down my face as I tried to reason what just happened.
  Minutes later when Peter tried to take my hand, I pulled away.  When he placed his hand on my knee, I moved closer to the door.  When he tried to speak, I shook my head no, until he stopped trying.
  Peter’s driving slowed down and became normal as his breathing became quieter in the silence of my car.  Everything seemed to slow down to a manageable pace except for my tears.  My tears continued until I was embarrassed each time I had to wipe my face with my hands.
  I couldn't even reason what I felt.  There were just no words for the confusion breaking my heart.  I was lost again, but lost with Peter beside me felt so much worse than lost before him.
  “I don't understand what just happened between us,” I whispered in the car suddenly.
  “Oh, god, Sophie.  Nothing happened between us.  We're still us.  My sister has a way of pushing me too far, and I snapped, but
we're
fine.  You and I are good, and nothing's wrong between us,” he said.  But everything suddenly felt wrong to me.
  “What do you have to tell me?  If you're married I'm gonna throw up. Then I'm going to kill you,” I laughed nearly insane.
  “I'm not married.  It's nothing like that.  Kara is just a nosey bitch and she thinks every part of everyone's life is fair game.  But I'll tell you tomorrow if you want.”
  “I want to know what’s going on now, Peter.  What the hell was that all about?” I pushed.
  “Tomorrow.  I promise Sophie, tomorrow I'll tell you,” he huffed.  “It's nothing, baby, I swear.  Tomorrow morning over coffee, I'll tell you everything.  Just please let it go for now.  I'm sad and desperate, and I just want to be with you,” he begged.  And like an idiot, I relented slightly.
  “Fine.  Tomorrow, Peter.” 

  20 minutes later when we were back at my apartment walking from my car, I thought this kind of drama and upset wasn't us.  Peter used loving words and declarations to me.  He didn't act aggressive and scary, and I knew this wasn't my Peter.
  Then again, as I reasoned while I walked, this wasn't a typical night with Peter either.  Peter was saying goodbye to an uncle he loved, and he had fought with his family over something I didn't understand.  He wasn't himself which made our relationship not itself.
  Everything was different because the circumstances were different, so I decided to try harder to let everything go.
 

CHAPTER 19

  When we arrived home, Peter pulled my hand to follow him to my room.  He didn't pause, and he didn't ask.  He just took me to my room and because I knew he was desperate for my understanding and love I let him lead us.
  Pulling me to a stop, Peter lifted his hands to my face as he spoke against my lips.  “I am so sorry for my behavior tonight.  My sister stresses me out, and I was emotional about my uncle, which is no excuse, but I can promise it won't happen again.  Please forgive me,” he begged before kissing me into the most beautiful, passionate kiss I had ever experienced with him.
  “I wish I could have danced with you tonight.  And I wish I’d taken a photo of you.  You look so beautiful, I want a photo of you tonight to carry with me always.  I absolutely adore you, Sophie,” he moaned as I gasped.  “I do.  You are everything to me in this life, Sophie.”
  Pulling away from me, Peter leaned me against the wall as he sat on my bed to look at me.  Staring at my face, he made his way down my body back to my face again.  Breathing deeply, he suddenly looked at me like he was too emotional to speak, so I went to him instead.
  Taking his head in my hands, I placed his face against my chest to soothe him.  Holding him, I allowed all my strength to help him in his sadness.
  “I'm here, Peter.  I'm here to hold you when you're hurting, too.  Take what you need from me and come back to me,” I whispered in the silence of my room.
  Moaning, “That was beautiful, baby.  Just being with you makes me better.  I'm happy with you, and I'm better when I'm with you,” he said against my chest as he pulled me tighter to him as he stood. 

  Taking me into another kiss, Peter unzipped the back of my red power dress and slipped it down my body.  Looking at my bra and panties through the nylons I wore, he gently removed them as well.  Slipping all my clothing from me, I found myself standing naked before him in the light of my room securely. 

  Peter knew every mark on my body and every bump I wish I could hide.  He knew my flaws and he loved my imperfections.  He was Peter standing with me and I was secure in the knowledge that I was adored.
  “Be with me, Sophie,” he begged as I nodded.
    Together, we slowly took each other.  Kissing and touching, fondling, and gripping, Peter and I soothed and loved our awful night away.
  He pleasured me with his mouth and fingers, as I took him into my mouth as well.  We were nearly delirious with our passion, and time slowly crept away from us.  We were insatiable and starved for the connection we shared.
  Peter brought me to my plateau until he pushed me over it seated deep inside me.  He was starved for me, and I let him feast.  Over and over again he took what he needed, never once leaving me alone in our connection.  He whispered words of adoration and affection throughout as he made me ache with my need for his love. 
  Sticky and sweaty from our night together I moved Peter to join me in the shower.  Standing under the water, after he cleaned my exhausted body he kissed me again in a way that made me whole.  Holding my face close to him, I loved openly and honestly with him in our silent moment of complete abandon.
  After our shower, when we stumbled to bed, I was once again wrapped from behind, snuggled tightly by Peter as we spooned before sleep claimed us.  But I waited to sleep. 

  I waited until I heard his breath even out as his hands stop caressing me.  I waited until he was asleep and in peace.  I waited so I could say the words to him I always breathed into the silence of night.
  “I love you, Peter...”

  Waking later that night, reaching to touch Peter, I found him watching me from the floor.  Leaning against the wall, Peter was staring at me as I slept.

  Smiling as I woke, Peter whispered, “Listen, Sophie,” and I did. 

  Listening as I shook myself more awake, Peter began gently singing along to Pearl Jam’s Black, and I instantly wept.  It was so quick and so sudden, I didn’t know where the emotion came from, and I didn’t know how to contain it, so I just stopped trying.

  Weeping on my side as I looked at Peter sitting 2 feet from me on the floor, I was simply overwhelmed by everything between us. 

  Black was a lifelong favorite song of mine, and to hear my artist lover sing about ‘sheets of empty canvas’ to me in the night broke my heart.
  Quietly, like he knew too much emotion would destroy me, Peter sang Black’s final verse with tears in his own eyes, as my hands reached out and grabbed for him.  Pulling and nearly falling off the bed myself, Peter stood and climbed back into bed, pulling me to him as he spooned me close.

  Silently, we were together until I whispered the only thing I could in the beautiful moment between us, “You’re the only sky I’ll ever be a star in, Peter.”

  And during the silence that followed my little confession, I actually felt Peter’s body relax against me.  Surrounding me in his warmth just before I fell back asleep, I heard him whisper softly in my ear, “I adore you…”

  When I woke a few hours later I was alone again.  Feeling his absence and panicking from the loss of his warmth surrounding me, I crawled out of my bed to find Peter sitting on the couch in darkness. 

  Watching him, I was surprised to see Peter distracted, talking to himself, while crying.  Watching him for a second, I was afraid as I quickly moved to the back of the couch to wrap my arms around him.  I was afraid of his sadness, but as I gripped him from behind he sighed like he was content.
  Turning to me while grabbing my hands on his shoulder, he begged, “Please don't ever leave me.”
  “I won't.  Ever,” I replied instantly.  With a conviction that was absolute, I looked him in the eyes, and told him I would never leave him.  I told him what he needed to hear, and I meant it.
  After a few silent moments between us, as Peter watched my face he eventually rose from the couch and followed me back to bed.  Wrapping me in his arms as he always did he kissed my head, and told me he adored me as I smiled and exhaled the tension of his absence from my bed.
 

                                               *****

  The following morning Peter seemed much better as he hopped up to make me breakfast.  Leaving me in bed to rest, he happily left me once he remembered I hadn't eaten the night before because of our quick departure from the party.
  After brushing my teeth, I wore the green robe he bought me for Valentine’s Day and I joined him in the kitchen.  Watching him cook with coy smiles between us, I couldn't help myself when I walked to him and hugged him tightly from behind.  Holding him, I felt so much love between us I couldn't stop myself from kissing his spine.
  “Sophie...” he moaned as he shut off the stove, took my hand, and led me back to my bedroom.
 
  And that was the day I made love like they do in the movies. 
  Peter laid me down sideways across the bed as he stripped me of my robe.  Moving slowly, Peter kissed my body from my feet up to my lips, like a slow tease made to torture me.  Peter worshipped my entire body with his lips and hands as I waited for his mouth to join my own.  And when we finally kissed on the lips there was so much love between us, I experienced a sensation unlike anything I had ever known. 
  Everything was slow and amazing with almost a dream-like quality between us.  When he touched me I felt his touch everywhere inside and outside my body.  When we kissed I felt it deep in my stomach.  When we moved, I felt like I moved in a trance.
  After endless movement and caresses between us I didn't reach and pause at my painful plateau, but I came for the first time in my life with Peter deep inside me.  We came together and moved slowly within each other.  We experienced a connection so deep, it would always become the moment shared that we tried to reach again.  I knew we had reached a point within our relationship that would define our love forever.
  We were so beautiful, I said the words I had always wanted to say.