Lost and Found (29 page)

Jesse’s eyes moved over me like his hands had at first, keeping to the safe zones, until they couldn’t seem to stay there any longer. His gaze lingered so long over certain areas, I almost started squirming. But I didn’t. I focused on his face, the wrinkles lining his forehead, his parted mouth breathing short, fast breaths, his eyes exploring me almost like he was worshipping me.

It was the most intimate moment Jesse and I had shared. And he had yet to touch me.

After a few more seconds, I took another step toward him. “So?” I lifted my hands at my sides.

Jesse rubbed his forehead, staring at me like he was afraid to blink for fear of missing something. His mouth opened, but nothing came out. Again. He closed it and tried again. Still nothing.

I’d struck the man mute.

His mouth moved open again, and finally he managed, “Speechless,” sounding as breathless as he looked. “Obviously.”

That look of sheer and utter surprise left his face when his eyes returned to mine. “Have I mentioned that I love you, Rowen Sterling?”

“Yeah, you did.” I needed him to touch me so badly it had become painful. “But you can say it as often as you like. I promise that I’ll never get tired of hearing it.”

“Noted,” he said, moving toward me. His eyes never left mine, and between the emotion in them and the expression on his face, I was the one rendered speechless. When his hands curved over my lower back, they weren’t shaky the way mine were. His touch had a confidence and strength that made the whole area south of my navel tighten even more. His hands slid lower until his large hands covered my backside.

My heart was beating so damn hard it vibrated my ear drums.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Jesse whispered just outside my ear.

I might have been in the heat of the moment, but his word choice still caught me by surprise. “Did you just say
fuck
?” I’d heard barely a handful of curses come out of Jesse’s mouth and none of them had included the pinnacle of curse words.

“Yeah, that’s how damn adamant and passionate I am about how beautiful you are.” His expression was so serious I almost smiled.

“Well
thanks
,” I said, running my hands down his stomach. “I’ll take ‘fucking beautiful’ as the highest form of praise.”

He kissed the corner of my mouth gently and squeezed my backside not so gently. My breath came out all ragged. “If there’s a higher form of praise, I don’t know it,” he whispered, moving to the other corner of my mouth. A gentle kiss and a not-so-gentle squeeze.

Oh, dear God. Ying and Yang really had it right when it came to intimate touch. Gentle, hard. Soft, rough.

Since I knew I was nearing the point of being struck temporarily mute myself, I moved my hands down until they reached the top of his sweats. I was close enough to feel him
ready to go
, but one layer of fabric separated us.

Not for long.

He didn’t say anything or try to stop me when I slid his shorts over his backside and let them drop to the ground.

Now Jesse’s ass . . . that was fucking beautiful. I didn’t have to see it sans clothes to know that; I could tell from touch alone.

I pressed closer until I felt him hard against me. Breathing was becoming such a chore I needed to get horizontal before I passed out.

Jesse’s chest rose hard and fast against mine. “Just because I told you I loved you, Rowen, doesn’t mean I expect sex two minutes after.” He lifted his hand to my face and smoothed his thumb down my cheek. “I’m not one of those guys who expect sex in exchange for love.”

I kissed his palm. “I know that. Believe me, I know that. Even if you were one of those guys who expected sex in exchange for love, I’ve known plenty of others who expect it for much less.” The skin between his eyebrows came together, but his eyes stayed on mine. “I’m not going to have sex with you because I feel like I have to. I’m going to have sex with you because I
want
to.” I ran a finger down the line between his eyebrows, trying to erase it. “I appreciate you checking, but if you’re done playing the part of Mr. Chivalry, think you can hang up your moral high ground ways and rock my world?”

“I had to check,” he replied before kissing my forehead. “I will most certainly try to . . . rock your world . . . but what I might lack in experience and skill, I can make up for with persistence and lots of practice.” His smile curved up higher on one side. “
Lots
of practice.”

“I’m sure you’ve got plenty of skill, but I’m totally committed to the lots and lots of practice thing. Sounds good.” I winked at him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the mattress.

I loved how I was about to make love to the guy of my dreams on a mattress on the floor of a drafty old farmhouse attic. It wasn’t exactly the stuff fairy tales were made of, but it was my tale. And I’d never envy that Cinderella chick again.

“Before we get too comfortable,” I said, stopping at the edge of the mattress, “you better have your condoms handy. I won’t be able to take much more foreplay. Really. I’m close to going cross-eyed if we keep it up for much longer.”

Jesse’s face went a little deer-in-the-headlights. I’d known plenty of guys who weren’t big fans of condoms because they were Grade A Dickheads, but Jesse wasn’t close to one of those guys. I knew that wasn’t why he’d gone a little blank when I mentioned bagging his boy.

And then I realized another reason why his face might have dropped.

“Please tell me you’ve got a condom.” Really, fate wouldn’t be that mean, right?

He rubbed the back of his neck. Oh, hell no.

I’d been on the pill since I turned thirteen. Mom was convinced that if I wasn’t already, I would be getting it on soon. It was good to know that, at least once in my life, I’d lived up to her expectations. However, I adhered to the two forms of contraception rule for a lot of reasons. Even though Jesse was the closest by a landslide to the only exception, I couldn’t. For his sake, for my sake, for the potential glimmer in our eyes’ sake.

“Jesse?” I said slowly.

He lifted his index finger. He twisted around and inspected his room as if it was a black hole. “I’ve got a box in here . . .
somewhere
.”

I exhaled my relief.

He bee lined for his dresser, so I made myself comfortable on his mattress and enjoyed the view. My God. That ass . . .

He tore through the contents of the top drawer. Socks and undershirts parachuted to the floor. Apparently finding nothing, he moved on to the next drawer. Same thing, except for the jeans being tossed out of the drawer. He was frantically searching and I only let myself grin at his panic because he couldn’t see it.

One more drawer to go.

Jesse was the first guy I’d known who didn’t know exactly where his condoms were. Guys lived by them and died without them. Or at least their penises did. For Jesse to have no clue where his were led me to believe he was either absurdly absent-minded or hadn’t used them in a while.

Since he and Josie had broken up six months ago and he had moved rooms for me, I supposed Jesse could have forgotten where he kept his stash.

Rummaging through the third and final drawer, Jesse gave a victory cheer as he threw his hand up in the air. A box of condoms was clutched in his fist.

I sighed again in relief.

He headed back toward the mattress, a victorious smile on his face. I had a full-on, frontal view, so my gaze didn’t linger on his face.

“Exactly where I forgot I left them.” He shook the box and opened it.

Like, opened it for the first time.

Something I’d never once considered entered my mind. “Jesse?” I said, sitting up. I felt a little deer-in-the-headlights.

“Yeah?” he replied as he fumbled with the box.

“You’re not a”—I fumbled to get the word out—“ . . .
virgin
. . . are you?” Please, please, please say he wasn’t.

He stopped fumbling with the box. My stomach dropped.

“Define virgin,” he said slowly.

My hand covered my mouth. No way. No. Way.

“But you and Josie were together for so long . . .” I was sure I was missing something. “I mean, the two of you never . . . like
never
. . .”

He shook his head once. “Nope. We never . . or
never
had sex.”

There was only one question to ask. “Why?”

It wasn’t because I was judging him because of it; I just couldn’t conceive of it. The oldest virgin I’d ever met was a seventeen-year-old. Never would I have guessed the god in human form Jesse Walker, a nineteen-year-old all-man guy, would be one.

Jesse sat down on the edge of the mattress and dropped his hand over my knee. “Josie and I got together when we were young. In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, you don’t sleep with a girl you’re not intending to marry unless you want her dad coming after you with a shotgun. I wasn’t sure I was ready to make either kind of commitment to Josie back then, and after that, we just sort of kept with the same kind of routine when it came to the physical part of our relationship.” He lifted his shoulders. “I guess neither of us were ready to make that kind of commitment.”

Commitment and love. Sex as the added bonus. I wasn’t familiar with that equation. I had been so sure it was a bold-faced lie. Yet there it was, love, commitment, and the added bonus, sitting beside me.

Had anything I’d known of life up until that summer been true?

“Jesse,”—I rested my hand on his—“I’m not a virgin, you know. I haven’t been one in a long time.”

“I know.” He nodded.

I bit my lip and looked him in the eyes. “Are you sure you want your first time to be with me?” If I could have gone back in time and changed everything—said no to all the boys and waited for a night with Jesse Walker—I would have done it. I wouldn’t have needed a second to consider.

“Rowen—”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk around the topic or have him sugar-coat anything. I wanted the truth, cold and hard if that’s what it was.

“Are. You. Sure?”

Jesse scooted closer until his face was just a few inches from mine. Both of his hands moved to my face and those eyes of his blazed into mine. “I’m sure.” If the conviction in his words didn’t prove it, his expression did. “I love you, and I’m sure, Rowen. Now, why don’t you help me figure out how that whole rocking-your-world thing works?”

I grinned again. Frowning was impossible when Jesse beamed at me that way. “There’ll be a lot of hands-on coaching,” I said, leaning closer until I almost tasted the salt on his skin. “But I promise to return the favor.” When my mouth pressed into the base of his neck, Jesse’s skin erupted with goosebumps.

“I’m fully committed to this whole endeavor,” he said, his voice rough.

“Good,” I whispered against his skin. Grabbing hold of his arms, I drew him closer. “Then get over here and make love to me.”

Jesse shifted, and then he was pressing into me, laying me back onto the mattress. His arm wound around my back and the other traveled down my hip, winding around to my backside. His mouth covered mine as he lowered himself onto me. He didn’t crush all of his weight against me. I saw the strain in his shoulders from holding his weight.

His tongue played with the seam of my mouth, although I didn’t need much encouragement to grant him access. When my tongue touched his, he lowered the rest of himself on top of me, and the sigh I moaned into his mouth wasn’t quiet or short. His erection pressed hard into my stomach, and even though I could barely breathe with it there, I wanted it pressed hard into something else.

My hand left his back and felt around the mattress, searching for that little box.

I kept pace with his kissing in the midst of my search and almost cried out with joy when my fingers touched that box. I grabbed what I needed and ripped one free of the strip. I needed both hands to tear the wrapper open, but it didn’t take long. The whole time, Jesse’s hands, mouth, and body continued their pursuits. Each kiss brought me closer, each touch lifted me higher. When his hips flexed against mine, I let out another moan.

“Damn, Jesse,” I breathed, maneuvering my hands down where I needed them.

“What?”

“I need you to slow down and suit up or else I’m going to come before you even get a chance to lose your virginity.”

He was breathing so hard he was almost panting and his face was flushed. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No,” I said instantly. “You’re doing something very, very right.”

That smug smile reappeared, and his hips flexed against mine again. Even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t hold in the sound that slipped from my mouth.

He said, “I’ve only waited twenty years for this moment. I’ve been playing this whole thing out in my head for a while, so it’s good to know it’s working in real life.”

“It’s working,” I emphasized, right as my hand wrapped around him.

That smugness washed right off of his face. In fact, all emotion other than desire left his face.

I smoothed my hand down his entire length, then up, and repeated the process until I wasn’t so sure he would be able to hold himself back if I did it one more time.

“How was that?” I asked, rolling the condom into place.

“Speechless,” he panted, flexing into my hand as I finished with the condom.

I pressed a kiss into the bend of his neck as I guided him closer. Once he was right where he needed to be, I wrapped my legs around his hips and removed my hands.

A sheen of sweat covered his entire face and his chest was rising and falling so quickly, I wasn’t sure how he managed to get out words, but he did. “I love you.” He kissed me as sweetly as he’d ever kissed me before.

“I know,” I replied, running my hands down his face.

His hips flexed, and he moved inside of me. I cried out and curled my hands into his hair. He moved so slowly and carefully inside of me, almost like I was the virgin. When he was as deep inside as he could go, he trembled and lowered his mouth to my ear. He didn’t say anything. He just inhaled and exhaled, letting me keep pace with him.

“See?” I said, tightening my muscles around him. “Feels pretty damn great, doesn’t it?”