Lost Angel (The List #1) (9 page)

I rein the conversation back on track by
discussing our finances and Mike reiterates that he plans to give me half the
value of the house plus extra for furnishing my new place. He is going to book
an appointment with our mortgage broker to get the wheels in motion for a
remortgage that’ll free up enough equity and funds to effectively pay me off.

Other than what’s left on the mortgage we
didn’t have any other loans or credit cards and we have roughly the same amount
in our individual savings accounts. So all in all, it’s pretty straight
forward—but I would genuinely prefer not to have it hanging over us for two
years.

Why isn’t ‘incompatibility’ strong enough
grounds to warrant immediate proceedings?

After wrapping up my visit, Mike carries my box to the car at which point I
randomly remember my drunken text to him asking whether he’d removed his
wedding ring. He still hadn’t replied. I glance down at his hand and find my
answer. It’s gone, as are any remaining reservations as to whether or not I
should do the same. I mentally kick myself, knowing I should have listened to
Willow. I also wonder whether he bothered to clock that mine is still on.

9:08pm

Before I pull away, I order a taxi to take me to Stryders in forty-five minutes.
When I get home, I take the bag and box into my bedroom and grab a small clutch
handbag from the wardrobe. I freshen up my lipstick, have another dose of
deodorant and perfume and comb my hair. The bag comfortably fits my essentials;
lippy, mirror, breath mints, purse, keys and mobile phone. I check the time and
quickly go to the kitchen for a celebratory shot of vodka. I feel like I’ve
jumped another hurdle by visiting Mike for the first time and escaping with my
mind distinctively unfucked and intact, which is great. I hear the taxi driver pap
their horn outside and I can’t wait to get to the bar.
10:19pm

Stryders is busy by now but I spot Willow behind the bar straight away. She
looks the part, so comfortable, serving customers whilst chatting, smiling, singing,
dancing. She’s working on the main bar that stretches almost the entire length
of the back wall directly opposite the entrance. The room is rectangular with
the shorter sides being to the left and right when you walk in. The dance floor
is between me and Willow, with a small cocktail bar and a corridor that leads
to the toilets on the right and the DJs box to the left. There are a few comfy
tub style chairs and wooden barstools positioned ad hoc around the outside against
the elbow height wooden shelf that spans around the perimeter of the room,
encouraging people who aren’t dancing to stand and drink. I guess this tactic urges
people to drink up and refill rather than getting settled in too comfortably.

There is a discreet set of stairs behind the
DJs box that lead to an atrium style balcony overlooking the dance floor.
Occasionally Mr Stryder cordons this area off for VIPs or private parties plus
there’s another small bar up there too.
The music’s mingling with the crowd nicely. Considering it’s a weeknight I’m
surprised just how busy it is. I bounce towards to the toilets, in an
exceptionally good mood. Having had a great day, I’m keen to end it on a high
too. I didn’t have chance to get changed but I’m glad because I feel uber-comfortable
like this.
Last night must’ve attuned my eyes into seeking out potential flirt buddies as
they set to work picking out a few hotties on the way to the ladies. I get a
few head nods, winks and smiles, each one continuing to brush away more of
those whispers of insecurity that looked back at me in the mirror last
Saturday.
It’s a mission to and from the ladies but eventually I make it to the bar.
Wills spots me and points to a bottle of the beer. I shake my head and point at
the vodka bottles. I flick her the ‘V’ smirking and mime ‘double’. She mimes
back ‘coke’ and I nod.
Wills gets to me and I swap the glass for money and she rings it through the
nearest till. I take a welcome mouthful of my drink and Wills returns with my
change. She leans over the bar to kiss my cheek. “Hey beautiful, I’m glad
you’re here.” She moves my empty glass. “Did you drop your car off at home
then?”
“Yes, I fancied a proper drink.”
“And is the vodka to celebrate or commiserate?”
“Celebrate! I feel great Wills. I had nothing to be worried about. Can you take
a break?”
Wills disappears to let one of the other bartenders know she’s going for her
break, I see her grab an iced coke and drop the money in the till. She waves over
for me to meet her at the end of the bar to my right. We find a spot in the
corner away from the speakers.
We clink glasses. “Here’s to you, B. I’m proud that you’ve come so far in just
a few days.” I agree. “So, do you want the low-down on tonight’s talent then?
I’ve been putting in some homework for you just in case.”
“Of course you have. Any excuse huh? Sure, bring me up to speed, this should be
interesting.” We both turn to face the rest of the room, scanning everybody.
Wills classically dons the tone of a professional people watcher mixed in with
a bit of a tourist guide vibe for good measure; “Okay. Well it’s hump day
Wednesday, peak of the week so there’s a decent mix in tonight. We have a stag
do opposite us on the other side of the dance floor; there’s some potential for
you there. Then we have a few midweek work nights out but they can usually turn
out to be too much grief; it’s late so the females of the group will have
already sunk their claws into the best of the men by now. At the front is where
all the couples congregate so steer clear of them. But there’s four particularly
sexy guys I’ve spotted for you so far. One, two…..three aaaand four over
there.” She casually and skilfully points out her selected contenders. “Failing
all that, if you don’t fancy making the first move, there’s always the dance
floor. Remember, metaphorically speaking, this is like the fucking fighting pit.
This is where girls can showcase themselves and have their pick of the men that
show they’re interest! It’s where all the attention is at and I looove watching
the action unfold.” Is that true? As we both take in the action unfolding as we
speak, I have my answer! It’s brilliant. I love music and I love dancing.
“Thanks Wills, that’s saved me at least an hour. Now time to catch up on the
alcohol so I’m buzzed enough to even get on the dance floor, remember I’m by
myself tonight!” I down half of my drink.
“You’ll be fine B. The crowd in here is always a good. Nobody’s looking for
trouble and the girls are actually usually friendly. You know where I am if you
need me. We close at midnight so we can grab a quick drink and a catch up
whilst we clear up. In the meantime, please take it easy on the vodka though
babe, no more doubles. We don’t want you legless, slurring your words.”

“I’ll have you know,
I’m fluent in a couple
of languages; vodka being one of those! But okay
Mom
, I’ll take it easy
just for you.” I give her a peck on cheek.

“Thank you. And you look stunning by the way,
this is a great look on you. Lose the jacket though, here, I’ll take it.” I
gratefully remove it and hand it over. Wills swishes my dress, slaps my ass and
heads back to the bar laughing.
One and a half hours and three vodka and cokes later, I find myself in the
middle of the fighting pit feeling like I own it, when did that happen! Miss
Alter Ego can’t believe her luck, allowed out twice in as many nights and, out
of gratitude, she’s latching onto my ‘Fuck It’ attitude for dear life. She’s considering
getting a ‘FUCK IT’ tattoo from one hip to the other.
Classy lady!

The amazing effects alcohol has! I didn’t
realise how much it really does let my guard down. Instead of considering what
I look like and what people may be thinking, I do not give a rat’s ass, I’m
just enjoying myself. I have a few hip bumps and high fives with girls that are
also clearly having a great time, appreciating the music equally. But I make no
effort to bump and grind with any men although I do spot a few trying to get my
attention.

As midnight approaches the music slows down and
when “Take Care” by Drake and Rihanna comes on, I almost scream with excitement.
I completely lose myself to the lyrics, imagining I had a special somebody
whispering the chorus in my ear. It’s then that I start to feel the heat of a
few men watching me dance but I don’t mind it in the slightest. I don’t let
myself feel self-conscious and carry on dancing oblivious with a few other
girls in a circle.

When I feel gentle hands brush over my hips I
don’t let it deter me. I glance over my shoulder and find none other than Wills’
sexy-guy-number-three
looking back at me through sky blue eyes. He has mousy
brown hair and must be about 5’10” as he is about 4” taller than me. He smiles
in a friendly
‘hope you don’t mind’
kind of way, and I audaciously push
out my backside provocatively against him in a
‘hell no, I definitely don’t
mind’
kind of way. ‘What a floozy’
Miss Sensible scorns. But the
alcohol and my happy mood are more than willing to power forward my ‘Fuck It’
attitude. He mirrors my hips swaying seductively from left to right and I cover
his hands with mine on my hips. He grips me tighter safe in the knowledge that
he’s not about to get slapped. My head’s fuzzy with vodka but I can’t deny that
I like the feel of his hands on my neglected body. It feels great to let go,
guilt-free and content.

Lips brush across my ear. “Sorry, I’m not
usually this forward but I couldn’t resist you.”

I turn my face into his and he offers me his
ear. “No apology necessary.” And we smile at each other with ease whilst the
track blends into another with a similar rhythm. We continue flirting and I feel
his growing erection when I’m wining my backside into him and he’s meeting each
circle with his own subtle moves. What the? Miss Innocent takes her cue to try
and make me feel coy, like I’ve done something naughty. He is aroused because
of me, I’m flattered and admittedly I’m turned on myself. Now I find myself deeper
into this new territory than I envisaged tonight taking me.

I turn to face him, putting my hands on
his hips and he leans down to my ear. “You sure know how to move this fi-ine
body of yours! It takes a lot to impress me… and him.” Grinding into me
discreetly, which turns me on even more. Even though we’re fully clothed, this
has been like foreplay for me.
We talk on and off with ease, whilst dancing to another couple of songs. It’s
amazing how much you can get from a stranger in just a few short moments.
I’m drunk enough to know that he isn’t a moron so I take the plunge when my
inner Miss Seductive whispers for me to kiss him. I maintain eye contact and
slowly lean up making sure he isn’t going to reject my advances. But as soon as
he realises my intention he leans down to meet me. He kisses me softly at first
and then once his tongue has woken up, the pace quickens. We stop dancing. I
mentally jump over another hurdle – Another man is touching me, another man is
kissing me, another man is hard… for me! I feel myself relax and start to enjoy
the moment. I can tell it’s not the kind of kiss that marks the start of
something else. Our hands aren’t wandering, which means that we can focus
entirely on kissing. His mouth is warm, inviting and tastes of beer, which is
weirdly another turn on. His tongue casually clashes with mine and explores its
way around. Mmm… I’d forgotten how much I love kissing; a lovely French kiss to
match my sexy French wax. Oo la la!
When we pull away, I giggle in anticipation of an awkward moment but he
casually whispers in my ear. “Your mouth moves as well as your body. Hopefully we’ll
bump into each other and do this again sometime.” He gives me another swift
kiss then backs off looking me up and down, shaking his head in approval then he
turns and walks away. I see him re-join his friends by the entrance and they leave.
I skip to the toilet singing in my head “I kissed a
boy
and I liked it
yeah!” I don’t think I could feel more at ease with my new single status than I
do right now. That kiss has just proven to me that I’m more than ready to keep
on exploring.

I wash my hands and stare at my blurry
reflection. We didn’t even exchange names, seemingly unnecessary. He just
wanted to dance and kiss, his hands didn’t wander and he didn’t ask for my
number. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel used but if I am then he should
too because I wasn’t interested in anything other than that dancing and kissing
either.

Wow, I’m such a goddam novice. Is this really
how being young free and single operates? Oh, I hope so. Who knew that
embracing the journey to finding yourself could be this fun huh?

Thursday 19
^th
March 2015

12:03am

T
he place has nearly emptied by the time I re-enter
and I see it’s just gone midnight. I head over to Wills who is clearing glasses
and wiping down the bar. She’s already fixed us a drink. Walking round to my
side she wraps me in a massive rib squeezing hug.
“Somebody kissed a fit-ty, somebody kissed a fit-ty—” She chants. “Oh my God, I
kept an eye on you whilst serving and one minute you’re killing it in the frantic
fighting pit, the next you’re playing tonsil tennis with some hot guy! I feel
like a proud mommy bird watching her chick fly the nest.” Wills wipes away fake
tears. “You’re first post-Mike kiss. I bet you write a poem about it!”
“I know yeah and it was lush. Wills, I’ve had an awesome time. What a way to
end the night eh? Kissing a gorgeous stranger. I didn’t even get his name… Was
I supposed to ask his name?” I make a start on my drink, still feeling excited.
“Not unless you wanted anything more than what you got babe… Anyway, here’s
another toast to my beautiful best friend, one step closer to an explosive
orgasm!” We clink glasses again, giggling and drink up whilst she repositions
the stools and helps the other bartenders finish up.
1:12am

When we get home we find our second wind so we carry on drinking… Well, I carry
on and Wills plays catch up! I grab the vodka from the freezer whilst Wills
gets coke and glasses.

Just over an hour later and I’m easing up just
as Wills is finding her buzz. We cook something random in the kitchen, paint
our toenails and do drunken handstands up the wall, nearly breaking our necks.
We are now both suitably drunk, sitting on the lounge floor with our backs
against the sofa. “Wills, how am I going to have sex?”

She answers in the most patronising tone
imaginable “Okay sweetheart, firstly… you remove your clothes—”
“Har har! You know what I’m saying. It’s gonna be flipping weird! Letting another
man put himself inside me… it’s just… weird. I mean, I enjoy sex and I haven’t
been getting anywhere near enough to satisfy me for months, probably for…. ever
if I’m honest, so you’d think I’d be desperate… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just
nerves.” Necking back the last of my drink, I fix us another from the half full
vodka and coke bottles in front of us on the table.
“Of course you’re fucking nervous babe. You’ve only been with Mike and hey, you
let a man put his
tongue
inside you earlier. Same deal, different
orifice!” Finding herself hilarious. “Joking aside, you’ve only just split up,
some people take months before they’re ready. But, for what it’s worth, I think
your situation is different to your run-of-the-mill marriage breakdown—or is it
break up? Anyway, personally, I recommend you dive straight into it. Start as
you mean to go on and the nerves will be long gone.” My face tells it all. “You
know what I’m going to say don’t you? You’re over-fucking-thinking this! Plus,
you’re forgetting that there’s a
whole
catalogue of sexual things to do
in between kissing and actually having sex! Answer me honestly, did
you
make yourself come better than Mike did?”

“
What?
What’s that gotta do with
anything?” Wills still waits for an answer. “I suppose so… But that’s only
because I was alone in bed more often than not so I got in lots of practise.
Plus I’ve got a very, very, vivid imagination. That’s not Mike’s fault.”

“I didn’t say it was but you must be eager to find
somebody who pushes your buttons better than you do babe.” Wills takes a swig
of her fresh drink, puts the glass back on the table and leaves me with that
thought whilst she goes to the stereo to change the music.

I think about what we’re saying and Wills is
right. In a way, I am looking forward to being sexually active. I just need to
get over these initial worries.

Wills spins on the spot to face me, steadying
her drunken self so she doesn’t fall off balance. She slaps her palms together
in front of her and strums her fingers, like a villain concocting an evil plan.
“You know you like being in control of… well
everything
… and God knows
you love being obscenely organised?” I nod with suspicion. “Well this, coupled
with your need to explore more about yourself and feel free—”
Then she stands over me and holding her arms out wide, palms up, she proudly declares,
“I’ve got a master plan!”
She plonks herself down in front of me, overlapping our legs and picks up her
glass again. “We are going to write your ultimate ‘to do’ list EVER! Everything
from blowjobs to drugs, from… fucking in public to…… getting a tattoo. It’s
going to be your journey to freedom. This’ll help you finally let yourself go
so that you can find your true self—” Wills is even more insightful when drunk.
Either that or I’m even more gullible! “Not to mention that by the time you’ve
finished this list, you’re going to be thoroughly sexually satisfied for the
first time in your lovely life and you’ll get that bedroom confidence you
deserve! Arghhh, this is
fucking brilliant…
Whatcha think?” Her smile is
the biggest I’ve ever seen it and she looks very pleased with herself!
“Hold on, hold on... So you want
us
to write a shopping list of sex acts
and other random stuff for me to do.” She nods eagerly, her eyes lighting up. “Like
a bucket list of fucking and fun before I die?”
“Yes… No… Wait! It’s even better than that. Combine a bucket list with your new
attitude; it’s gonna be your
Fuck It
list of things to do before you
start taking life too serious. It’s perfect. It’ll drive you to explore and
help you know what you want next in your life. Instead of second guessing
yourself, you’re just gonna say Fuck It! So, you up for it B or wah?”
“How could I not be with such an enthusiastic sell? Let’s do this baby!”

We both squeal with a newfound energy. Wills
springs up to retrieve a notepad and pen from the side. She resumes her
position and turns to a clean page, writing ‘
FUCK IT LIST’
. She means
business.
“Right then, let’s get some obvious ones out the way first…1. Blowjob, 2.
Handjob, 3. Cunnilingus, 4. Sex in a workplace, 5. Sex in a car, 6. Sex in the
shower…. Care to contribute B? Have a think, I’m just gonna grab us some water.”

Wills returns with two pint glasses of iced water.
“Your head can thank me for it tomorrow.”

“My turn… Multiple orgasm... Yes. Please! Get a
tattoo? Get a piercing? Have sex on the beach? Erm—” I feel like I’m on a television
gameshow. Wills quickly jots them down.

“Good, good, okay that’s ten. My turn, just
shout out if I say anything you’re not interested in… Phone sex, cyber-sex or sexting,
you know, text sex. Erm… Oh oh yes, tantric sex.” She’s scribbling away then
thinking with her pen in her mouth. “Get stoned, use food or ice, oh duh… 69…
Right, let’s get more adventurous…”

“W-w-w-w-wait a minute. Hold on, my brain’s
tryna catch up here. Please clarify ‘use food or ice’? What planet are you from
Wills? Those are really ‘a thing’?”

“Yeah of course… But you’re right, it could be
crap or it could be exciting, guess it depends on how creative you are, and who
you’re with of course!”

My fuzzy head is working overtime again, trying
to take in all of Wills suggestions and think of my own. “I’ve never kissed a
girl—”

“
Beth-a-ny
, is that an invitation? We
could strike that one off right now—” She giggles. Reading my ‘Pssh, as if!’
expression she continues, “Okay, I like your thinking. That’s seventeen, what
about things like being tied up and tying somebody else? Watch a porno alone
and watch one with a partner?” I frown. “Yes, two separate items for two
similar acts but two different agendas! Trust me. So that’s four more—”

“I’ve always fancied feeling sexy enough to do
a lap dance or a strip tease. Or some kind of sexual role-play; you know like
nurse and patient type thing? Ah ha, I know, how about making a sex tape… you
ever done that Wills?” God I’m enjoying this too much. I really do feel like
I’m writing the list of my life!

Wills is scribbling down my ideas. “Love it,
love it, love it, that’s twenty-five now. Nah, never done a sex tape babe. Not
sure why really, I reckon it’d be pretty hot to keep as a souvenir. Obviously
only if the sex is worth capturing and watching. You’ve just got to be careful
whose hands it’s in. So if you do that, you keep it and don’t let the guy near
it, unless you wanna find it being shared on social media! O.M.G. We’ve missed
two obvious ones B; threesome and butt sex?”

“Na-ah. Not for me thanks. It’s one thing
kissing a girl but being that intimate is just not something I’m curious about
Wills, no offence.”

“None taken, but I was thinking more like two
men and you. I’ve done both and obviously prefer one of each sex – best of both
worlds – but two men is great too, you’re the centre of their attention, being
touched all over, putting their—”

I interrupt. “Nope. Still way too far from
reality for me. Maybe next year we can do a sequel of this list. For now, I’ll
happily push my boundaries but a three-way isn’t something I think would turn
me on. Oh and I’ve done anal a few times, pre-marriage, and it didn’t float me
boat. In fact, I think it scarred Mike for life, which may explain some of his
aversions. Anyway, before you say it, I don’t think it had anything to do with
it being Mike, I just don’t like, you know… the sensation. Does that make me a
prude Miss Sexpert?”

“No of course it doesn’t, B this isn’t about
you doing things that make you uncomfortable or that you can’t imagine
enjoying. And just because I like being sexually adventurous, that does not
make me a sexpert. I think that with the right partner,
you
could feel
the same sexual intensity and euphoria doing missionary, that I feel when I… I
don’t know… take part in group sex or something! Everybody’s tastes and
thresholds are different. I’m trying to encourage you to be care
free
,
not care
less
… Hey, you’re apparently fluent in vodka talk, so am I
making sense or talking drunken shite?”

“No, I get you, completely. It’s like when you
said two couples could do the exact same tantric sexercise but have completely
different experiences depending on their connections and that… totally makes
sense to me.” I liken it to my own sexperiences. “It’s like after Mike and I
had just made love and I’d have to go to “
get a drink
” and finish the
job – But he would lie there like he’s just had the time of his life! Grrrr that
was so annoying! Never again!”

Wills laughs and slaps me a high five. “
Exactly
.
Different horses for different courses!” She pauses, inspired and blurts out, “In
a field, sex in a field! No actually, make it sex outdoors, more options! Okay,
how about go to a live sex show? I’ve never been but I’ve heard about them but
you could ‘slash’ it with a tamer ‘strip show’ if you’d prefer?”

“Fine, as long as they don’t expect audience participation…
I’ve got an idea of something I’ve never done that I’m curious about but I
don’t think you’ll like it.” Wills looks intrigued and gestures for me to spit
it out. “Hit somebody.” I clasp my hand over my mouth as if I’ve shocked myself
but really I just think it sounds funny aloud.

“What, like spank somebody when you’re having
sex?”

“No, I literally mean hit somebody. Not sexually,
just out of anger. I’ve never hit anybody before, even though I’ve had plenty of
opportunities over the years. I’ve always stopped myself. Some bitch at uni
deserved more than a few slaps for the way she treated me sometimes. I regret
being too much of a pussy to act on instinct… I’m just saying that whilst I’m
doing this list,
should
the opportunity arise where somebody deserves a
slap, maybe I
shouldn’t
stop myself and just say Fuck It instead!” The
look of confusion on Wills face is brilliant but she can see that, although I
find it funny, I am being serious.

“Okay, for the record, I do not condone
anger
inspired slapping.
Sexually
, yes. But I will make this an exception as I
trust your judgment.” She’s trying to talk responsibly and I hold back a snort.
“I don’t expect to be having to drag you off some stranger that looked at you… strange!
Aaand I will put down spanking too, just for good measure. Okay… That’s
twenty-nine and I’ve got the perfect one to round you up to ‘dirty thirty’”
Wills drums her hands on the notepad. “Kinky sex! You’re gonna explore some
kinkalicious
sex
! Doesn’t have to be
anything heavy. It could just be using sex toys with somebody. Oh and you can’t
cross this off when you do the tying up ones either, that goes for the others
too. No ‘do one, get one free’, that’s cheating. Unless of course you get kinky
with toys whilst being tied up, that’s definitely worth two!”