Lost Angel (The List #1) (5 page)

Tuesday 17
^th
March 2015

4:30pm

M
om called just before lunch and hit me with the
mother of all heart to hearts, knocking me totally off guard.

She told me how she hadn’t slept all night,
thinking about me and apologised for not being there when I needed her, which I
tried to explain is totally ridiculous and that I now felt guilty for worrying
her.

We have a lovely relationship that I wouldn’t
change for the world. But she said that when they moved away, she detached
herself from my life more than she wanted to because she thought that’s what I
wanted. I was newly engaged and loving my business so she chose to ignore the
niggling voice inside her that told her I still needed my mom.

Mom said that she knows all I’ve ever wanted is
to be happily married, to love and be loved, and to be the best mother
possible. She didn’t say it, but I got the feeling she had been concerned about
my relationship with Mike for a while. Most of the times when we spoke on the
phone, Mike wasn’t there for one reason or another. I’d find myself making excuses
for him. I knew that bothered her so I always laid it on extra thick when we
did get some quality time together. If we got to go for a meal, I would tell
her every last detail to convince her that we did spend enough time together.
I’d subconsciously try to score him brownie points when I knew he was falling
short. Mike had only ever visited St Ives once, when my parents first moved. Even
then I had to talk him into it. Mike just didn’t get how much I valued family time
and he should’ve wanted to be part of that. I accepted it because he wasn’t
very close to his own parents so how could I expect him to make an effort with
mine. I was wrong. I know that now. I hate that the subconscious sacrifices
I’ve made are making themselves known now. Unless that’s part of the process
that helps me to understand where I went wrong and what I need out of a
relationship. 

Of course, at that point in the conversation I
was blubbing all over my phone and pillow. Her words exposing my inner Miss Innocent,
who was straightening up shyly, shrugging apologetically that she’d been found
out. I could barely string together a sentence, so stuck to monosyllabic
responses.

Mainly I listened, which was good because she obviously
had a lot to get off her chest. She went on to tell me all about her ups and
downs with Dad and how they went through a rocky patch after she’d had her
hysterectomy.

Mom had just given birth to me and haemorrhaged,
resulting in having an emergency hysterectomy, which saved her life. I’ve
spoken to her often about it but never about how it had affected my parents’
relationship. 

Dad had apparently always wanted more children
and as far as she was concerned, she’d let him down. Considering herself a
failure as a wife, not being able to give the love of her life what they’d
always dreamed about. It was heart wrenching to hear the pain still present in
her voice as she relived and shared such private memories for me.

Convinced that Dad would leave her with their newborn
baby, she pushed him away, in a twisted way of protecting us in the long run.
Instead she tried to concentrate on working out what motherhood was all about
but the first few weeks were tough so she began to feel like a failure at that
too. But she wouldn’t admit it or accept help; help that she needed as a first
time mom. She must have been so sad and scared.

It would have been incredibly hard for my dad
too; just becoming a daddy and having to see his wonderful wife wither away
before his eyes.

Thankfully my dad is as stubborn as her so he
didn’t give up and finally showed her the light, getting her help for
post-natal depression and over time putting their marriage back on track. Mom
said that although their love
never
faded, it felt like they fell in
love all over again after that.

She told me how I’ve always put too much
pressure on myself to be happy, forgetting that happiness isn’t something that
we can control and plan. It shouldn’t be hard work – I think that was aimed at
Mike too but I didn’t stop her to clarify. Growing up with such loving, tactile
parents must’ve planted a seed in my heart years ago and I’ve let it consume
me, becoming my driving force. I’ve always been controlled and methodical in
any choices. In actual fact, ironically, my need to be in control slowly spun
out of my control the moment I believed my life was a play and that I wrote the
script… So pretty early on then!

I’ve tried to predict my life, somehow thinking
that this would protect me. Mom is right and her departing words will stay with
me forever:

“Let great times be your memories and bad times
be your lessons but most importantly; Let. It. Go. Stop living for your future
and live for today.
Live in the moment
Bethany dear!”

It was so inspiring and thought provoking; I briefly
reached for my laptop to type it down so I wouldn’t forget. But lay back,
sinking into my damp pillow, surrounded by the unconditional love that had
poured out of my phone throughout the entire conversation, realising I could
never forget those powerful words. I recited them over and over. A massive
pivotal moment and I didn’t just know it, I felt it. 

After having my heart pampered by my mom, what
better way to mark this turning point than pampering my hair and nails with my sister
from another mister, Wills.

Wills drives us over to the salon in her yellow
Beetle and I tell her all about the conversation with my mom.

“Your mom is so amazing Beth. What a woman… you
know that’s gotta be your mantra from this point on? Every time you feel
yourself overthinking things or doubting your instincts, you must repeat ‘
Live
in the moment, live in the moment’
… Oooh I feel all inspired man, we’re so
gonna hit the yoga mats when we get back and I’m tapping into your chakras B—”
Her excitement is as infectious as ever. I’m feeling the love today and I love
love.

Wills tells me about how she believes my energy
has been blocked in some
chakra
and my physical, mental and emotional
imbalances may manifest by way of anxiety. It sounds very confusing but
interesting and something I’m open to exploring more, especially if it’ll keep
this positivity flowing.

6:30pm

We leave the salon and walk back to the car.
I’m in fits of giggles as Wills has just started to tell me how she came… literally
came… whilst the hairstylist washed her hair and massaged her head.

“I kid you not B, and it’s not the first time
it’s happened either!” She actually sounds proud.

“That’s a freakin’ trip Wills. I’ve never heard
anything like it. No
wonder
you were so eager to book an appointment; any
excuse for you to get off.” I stop walking, outstretching one arm towards her
head and make a sweeping gesture down to her toes with my other arm. Looking towards
an imaginary audience— “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Willow; my orgasmic,
kinkalicious
best friend.”

Wills takes an exaggerated bow and we carry on
walking along the pavement linking arms. “You can’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried
it you know. Listen, a few years ago my yoga instructor introduced me to the wonderful
world of tantric sex, which I was even sceptical about. I will tell you all
about it properly later, remind me when we get home. Anyway, after I’d bagged
my first orgasm through tantric sex, I realised how much our
minds
are
capable of controlling our body… The next time I was having a pedicure, I let
my imagination run away from me as this sexy beautician, with a cleavage for
miles, massaged me, giving my feet her undivided
expert
attention. Out
of the blue I felt a sudden rush of spasms and I couldn’t help but give in to
them, having some crazy spontaneous orgasm. I had to start coughing as a
distraction so she’d get me some water whilst I composed myself… And so it
began, my world of obtaining free orgasms from strangers, and mastering the art
of doing it in silence!” Her tone is so matter of fact and flippant.

We are both now standing outside her car and
I’m half sitting on the bonnet with one hand clutching my mouth and the other
squeezing her forearm. “Wills, I don’t know whether to condemn you or bow down
and worship you.”

“Hmm… I’ll take the latter thanks.” She winks.
“I swear it was a head fuck at first but it’s just a bit of harmless fun now.
An occasional hobby of mine, if you like.”

We jump in the car and drive home aptly singing
along to “Undercover Lover” by Smooth. The difference in Wills case being that
even the hairstylist was in the dark.

I comb through my newly washed, layered and
straightened hair, with my immaculate dusty pink talons. My shiny soft hair
still reaches over my ribs, as I chose to keep the length, having just a few
layers chopped in as well as some highlights, giving me more of a bronde look
on top.

To christen my new mantra we spontaneously
decide to continue our fun by having a random night out. This ‘Fuck It’
attitude is growing on me.

8:36pm

Wills pours us another glass of wine and, as
promised, she enlightens me in the world of tantric sex. I’d started reading an
article about it ages ago so I knew that it was something about having a long-lasting
sexual experience that is supposed to intensify the feelings between the people
involved. But that’s as far as I got before turning the page. The words ‘long-lasting’
and ‘sexual’ didn’t bode well with Mike and I didn’t fancy being embarrassed
out of bed for bringing it up. It was a rarity to get much more than ten
minutes out of him – As if he’d commit to anything that was both timely and
sexual! No, my dignity ensured I chose my bedroom battles wisely so they were
few and far between towards the end. Mike was no gladiator and, fantasies
aside, I was no Zena; so the Colosseum in our bedroom saw about as much action
as our sexual arena did.

“It means ‘
the weaving and expansion of
energy’
. It’s a Hindu practice dating back thousands of years so you know
it’s gotta be shamazing, right? There’s lots of ways to try it but my favourites
are the delayed orgasm techniques. You fool around with typical foreplay and
then every time either of you get close to orgasm you ease off. Sometimes
people call it peaking or surfing or edging… Anyway, eventually when you’re
both really ready and finally let go… Maaaan, it can be that intense it brings
you to tears. I don’t do it that often though. It wouldn’t be fair to neglect
my other persuasions now would it? Variety is the spice of life!”

I wouldn’t know. My version of variety is
occasionally going on top or maybe deciding to leave the radio on whilst we
have sex.

We stand at the kitchen island as it’s got the
best lighting and do our make-up together. Wills takes it upon herself to
demonstrate various tantric positions, which then moves on to us taking it in
turns throwing each other around to demonstrate all manner of sexual positions.
I come up with some craziness that has her taking mental pictures. We are both
very creative, Wills from experience mine from my sheer imagination! I can’t remember
the last time I felt this happy and carefree. We both vanish to finish getting
ready.

10:08pm

The taxi arrives just as we both re-emerge from
our bedrooms. I’ve chosen simple black skinny jeans with black kitten heels and
a multi-coloured bat winged top I’d borrowed off Wills. She’s wearing flared
blue faded jeans, cream wedge sandals and a cream tank top with peacock feather
motifs with her usual brightly coloured accessories. We clip-clop down the pavement
and the evening’s fresh air fills our lungs accelerating the effects of our earlier
tipple.

We stick to a bar called Barbed, just on the
outskirts before you go too deep into the city centre and the crowds become
younger and more intoxicated than we care to mingle with tonight. We’ve been
here a few times before and it’s always a great friendly vibe with danceable music.

Wills works at Stryders, which is a bar a short
walk from here. She has worked there for a few years and she loves it,
especially the social side to her job. Wills doesn’t need the money but she
just loves the social side to her job. Plus her boss is cool and they’re pretty
close. In her opinion it’s ideal for her right now. She’s ace at her job and it
caters to two of her favourite hobbies; being behind the bar gives her the perfect
vantage point for people watching and of course, seeking out her next conquests!