Lost In Me (Here and Now) (22 page)

With a metallic click, the lighter blazes, and I lift the candle. “Do you see the wick anywhere?”

The room fills with Lizzy’s peals of laughter. “What drawer was that in?”

My cheeks heat. “My underwear drawer.”

“Lemme guess. It was tucked under your lingerie, maybe some sexy undies?” Even in the faint flickering of Nix’s lighter, I can see glee written all over Liz’s face.

“Oh. My. God.” As the realization hits me, my hand opens and I release the
oh-my-God-that’s-no-candle.
It falls to the floor with a thump.

Liz sinks to her haunches and picks it up off the floor with two fingers, the way one might hold a pair of someone else’s dirty underwear.

“It looks like a taper candle in the dark,” I say. “I don’t even know where that came from.”

Maggie snorts. “Amnesia is
such
a handy excuse now, isn’t it?”

Kill me now.

“Is it…is it what I think it is?” Nix asks.

“I guess that depends what you think it is,” Liz says. Twisting it at its center, she confirms my worst suspicions and sends it into a vibrating tizzy.

I back away. Horrified.

Lizzy giggles harder. “It doesn’t bite.”

“I didn’t even know I had a… Why do I have that?”

My mind wraps around the words from the texts on Nate’s phone. Nate asking if I’d taken my gift home. What had I replied?
“It’s a sorry substitute for you”?

Not just a vibrator. Worse. A vibrator that was a gift from Nate.

The girls are all giggling now.

“I know you two are close,” Cally says, “but I absolutely cannot believe you’re touching that.”

“I don’t get it,” Nix says. “She gets buff, sexy-ass Max Hallowell and an affair with the sexy rocker. What’s the need for the vibrating friend, Hanna?”

If the floor wanted to open up and swallow me right now, I’d be okay with that.

Another flash lights the room. I must look as horrified as I feel, because Lizzy’s giggles go quiet. “Hanna, we’re just giving you a hard time. Are you okay?”

“I’ll go find your candles,” Maggie says, taking the lighter from Nix.

I watch her silhouette move through the darkness and into my bedroom. I shouldn’t let her rifle through my clothes—God knows what else she might find that I don’t know about—but another flash of lightning fills the space and a memory comes with it. Not the memory of sending those texts to Nate. A different memory. Clear and vivid and visceral.

Maggie is carrying a lit candle in each hand when she returns.

“We’ll stop teasing you about the vibrator,” Nix promises me. “We all have one.”

“Those bitches probably don’t,” Liz says, pointing to Cally and Maggie. She tosses the vibrator onto the island. Right there between the truffles and cheese. “They have men to do that work for them.”

Maggie snorts. “Where have you been, Liz? Men and vibrators go very well together.”

“She’s not lying,” Cally says.

“I hate you all,” Liz growls.

“Can we change the subject?” The question comes out of me with an awkward squeak.

“Sure,” Nix says. “Let’s talk about what we’re going to do for Cally’s bachelorette party.”

The girls start chattering about their plans and ideas, but I can’t seem to focus on the conversation. My mind is playing and replaying the memory of Nate Crane’s wicked eyes watching me as he rubs the vibrator over my inner thighs.

“What do you think, Hanna?” Lizzy asks.

“Um, what?”
Stop thinking about the vibrator. Stop thinking about Nate holding the vibrator.

Maggie laughs. “We’re trying to decide whether or not we should crash Will’s bachelor party. He’s not going to be able to talk Sam out of the strip club, so we’re thinking we should show up.”

“Oh, that could be fun.”
Stop thinking about Nate Crane.

But it’s useless. I finally have a memory of Nate Crane, and instead of helping me let him go, I’m so wrapped up in it I feel lost and confused all over again.

June—Two Months Before Accident

The ribbon-wrapped box sits on the crisp white linens of the hotel bed, and I creep toward it, unable to resist the lure of an unexpected gift.

Strong arms encase me from behind, and I feel Nate’s breath hot in my ear. “I got you something.” His mouth drops to my neck, where he nibbles his way down to my shoulder and sends little shivers whipping through me.

I close my eyes against the pleasure and moan. “I saw that. You shouldn’t have.”

“Hmm,” he groans, his hands already sliding inside my shirt. “You shouldn’t say that until you know what it is. It might be more for me than it is for you.” His fingers skim over my belly then slide into the band of my jeans and sweep lower, sending my knees weak. “You want to open it?”

“You’re kind of making me want something else right now.”

He chuckles and nips my neck one last time before pulling away and grabbing the box off the bed.

“You should stop buying me things,” I protest lamely.

“Don’t steal my joy, woman.” He nudges the gift toward me, and I take it in my hands and pull off the lid.

I’d like to pretend I’m one of those worldly girls who doesn’t shock or embarrass easily, but I’m not. The gift inside this box both shocks and embarrasses me, but I make myself pick it up and hold it in my hand as I say, “Thank you?” Unfortunately, any attempt at sincerity is lost when the words come out like a question.

He chuckles. “You don’t sound like you mean it.”

“Um, no, I do mean it. Thanks.” I put the box down on the bed and study the object. “I just… I’m not sure why…”

“It’s a vibrator, Hanna. Not a medieval torture device.” He steps closer and closes my hand over the toy, twisting its shaft under my fingers.

“Oh!” I squeak when it starts buzzing in my hands, but he holds tight, keeping my fingers wrapped around it. A giggle slips from my lips. “Um…should I be worried that you said this is more for you than me? I mean, I’m game to try new things, but I’ve never been with a guy who wanted—”

He grunts. “Not like that.”

“No. I want to give you what you want. Um…” I motion toward the bed and bite my lip as laughter bubbles up in my chest. “Bend over?”

He grins and steps closer. “I have other plans, but thanks for the offer. Means a lot.”

“I’m very open-minded,” I say sagely.

“Your face when you opened it doesn’t support that claim. Have you ever used one of these before?”

My lips part as his hands lead mine over the vibrating shaft in long, lewd movements that kind of turn me on. “I guess I would just prefer the real thing. You know. If someone would give it to me.” I pout. “It’s the least you could do when you’re going to be leaving me for the Middle East in September.”

“I promise, having sex now wouldn’t make a month apart any easier.”

My shoulders sag. “I hate that you’re going. I’m going to be worried sick until you’re home safe.”

He groans and nips at my ear. His hot lips sweep over my neck and then his hands slip under my shirt, making circles around my navel. “You’re cute when you’re worried about me. Now get naked and lay your sweet ass on that bed so I can show you just what I want you to do with this.”

“Oh.” I grin and unbutton my jeans, watching him as I push them off my hips. I leave my panties and T-shirt on and climb onto the bed. “In that case…”

“You’re not naked.”

I lift a brow. “Neither are you.” I love his hot eyes on me.

“Lie down.”

I obey, and he runs his eyes over me again and again. Nate looking at me is as good as any foreplay I’ve ever known.

He hands me the vibrator then moves to the end of the bed. “Put it between your legs.”

“I’d rather you do it for me,” I protest. Turning the device in my hands, I look up at him through my lashes. I know how badly he wants to touch me, how much self-restraint he’s using to stay at the foot of the bed when he could be on the bed with me. Touching me.

“You’re going to have to figure out how to use it yourself.” He folds his arms and stares down at me like a warden supervising his charge.

I grin. “You think I don’t know how to get myself off? Aren’t you cute?”

A muscle in his jaw jumps, but he raises a brow and holds my gaze. “Prove it.”

My heart leaps into my throat at the challenge, and I lick my lips. When I part my legs, his nostrils flare and his eyes go darker. “With this?” I ask, holding up the vibrator.

“Show me how you do it.” He drops his arms and his fists clench at his sides.

I release the vibrator on the bed next to me. Keeping my eyes on him, I cup myself between my legs. I’m so turned on from all this talk of masturbation and the look in his eyes. I’m already slick and swollen, and if he joined me on the bed and put his hand between my legs, he could get me off in seconds flat.

But he isn’t on the bed with me, and I’m not going to rush this. I rock my hand against myself, applying just enough pressure to my clit to make my eyes float closed.

“Here.” His hard voice has my eyes flying open. He’s leaning over the bed and tugging my panties from my hips in one smooth motion.

I squeak as my ass falls back to the bed, and he gives me that shit-eating grin.

“You have touched yourself without the panties before, haven’t you?”

I take a breath and part my legs farther. He watches, and that’s what does it for me—his gaze between my legs, like that private bit of me is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, the rising and falling of his chest as I slide my hands up my inner thighs.

I’ve never done this before—never let a man watch me touch myself. I would have thought it would be awkward or that I’d worry I might look like I was enjoying my own touch more that I enjoyed his, but there’s nothing awkward here, and we both know it’s Nate’s touch I want. All I feel is heat and lust and this need to give him anything he wants.

As I settle on hand over myself, taking my clit between two fingers, I bring my other hand up to my chest and squeeze my breast through my shirt. I’m not wearing a bra, and the sensation of my sensitive nipples scraping across the cotton makes my hips buck and my body ache for more. For his mouth on my breasts, his tongue toying with my nipples until he draws them into his mouth—hard and tight and merciless.

I enter myself with one finger as I imagine it, and he steps closer. I love that I can make him damn near lose his self-control. I imagine his mouth against the flat of my belly before dipping lower.

I squeeze my clit gently. Right where I want his lips. My hips rock faster and his eyes grow hotter.

I’m close. So damn close. But my own hand isn’t enough when he’s right there, when I can reach out and touch what I really want. “Nate,” I whimper.

“Do it, angel.” His nostrils flare as I pinch my nipple through my shirt again. “I want to hear you come. I want to watch.”

“I want you to do it.”

“Do this for me.” His breathing is ragged. As if he’s been holding me up and fucking me hard rather than standing here watching.

I can see what I’m doing to him. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.

“Fuck your hand for me, baby. Just like that.” His words make me wild and my hips move faster, my hand at my breast pinches tighter, and then I’m gone—tightening, squeezing, and exploding into a hard and fast release that’s better than any orgasm I’ve ever been able to give myself.

As I lie limp in bed after, he climbs in beside me and brushes my hair from my face. “I swear to Christ, you are a living fantasy.”

I force my heavy eyes open. “That was amazing. I wouldn’t have believed I could make myself…”

“Get off?”

I shake my head. “I knew I could do that, but it’s never that good. But with you standing there…”

He presses a kiss to the side of my neck. “That’s what I want you to think about when I’m gone. When you touch yourself, imagine me at the end of the bed watching you.”

I hear the hum of the vibrator clicking on, and then he’s pressing it against the inside of my thighs and sucking at my neck as he inches the vibrating wand closer to the apex of my thighs.

“What are you doing?” I whisper, reaching for the button on his jeans. “I think it’s your turn.”

“I might have had an ulterior motive for buying this for you.”

“What’s that?” My breath catches as he brushes it lightly over my clit before returning it to my thighs. I part my legs instinctively.

“I want to fuck you with this, Hanna. If I can’t have my cock inside you, I still want to fuck you.”

I slide my hands into his hair and lock my eyes on his. “If you want me, I’m yours. I’ve told you that.”

His kiss is hard and sweet at the same time. I know he’s trying to be noble, and I don’t want him to be. I release him from his jeans, and he groans as I take his hard length into my hands.

“I’m ready,” I promise.

He buries his face in my neck and presses the vibrator lightly against my entrance. The sensation is new and intense, and I cry out even as I rock my hips toward the intrusion.

“Just imagine it’s my cock sliding into you.”

I want to make a joke about his magically vibrating appendage, but the words die on my lips. I’m too distracted by the round tip of the vibrator poised at my entrance. He slides it in, inch by inch, while kissing my neck. Slowly in. Slowly out. Long, languid movements that already have my body pulsing in response.