Lost in You (15 page)

I look down and realize that I’m in the same clothes
from yesterday. I get up without hesitating and head to the bathroom and take my five-minute shower. I put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before making my way back into the living room.

She hasn’t moved. Or maybe she did get up to re-fill her cup, but
I doubt it. Her legs are crossed, just as they were when I came in. It’s as if she’s a statue. Maybe she thinks if she moves, she’ll crack and fall to pieces.

I pull a chair from the dining room and sit across from her. Doing a puzzle upside down doesn’t
really have any advantages, but it is quality time with my mom. I see a slight hint of a smile when I pick up a piece. I try not to stare, but seeing her cheeks rise, even for a brief moment, is nice to see.

“Who’s the girl?” She doesn’t look at me when sh
e asks. Her voice is soft and caring.

I take a deep breath and place my puzzle piece in the proper location. “Her name is Hadley Carter.”

“Yes, I remember that much, but who is she… to you?” Her eyes meet mine and I can’t tell if she’s upset or not. There is no emotion coming from her.

I clear my throat. My fingers fiddle with the puzzle piece I’ve just picked up. “She’s my girlfriend.”

Mom leans back in her chair. Her hands leave the table and rest in her lap. Her eyes, they move from me to the table and to the window. Maybe she’s watching for my dad, knowing I’d never say things if he was around.

“She’s very pretty.”

“She’s beautiful, inside and out. And I like her a lot.”

She nods and picks up her coffee cup, but doesn’t take a drink. “You know you’re no
t allowed to date.”

I sigh. “Why’s it okay if I go out with Dylan?”

This has been something weighing on my mind. They are always so eager and willing to let me hang out with Dylan. Hell, she even let me spend the night in a hotel room with her without even questioning our motives. For all she knows we were having crazy animal sex all night long.

“Dylan…” Mom smiles when she looks at me. A real smile, one that makes her
face light up. She loves Dylan. I know this. “She’s a good girl and treats you well.”

“
So does Hadley.”

She shakes her head. “A good girl would never ask you to sneak out at night to meet her.”

“You…” my voice catches in my throat. “You know?”

She nods.

“It’s not what you think.” I look away to gather my thoughts. How am I going to sell Hadley to my mom when she’s so smitten with Dylan? “I like Hadley, Mom. A lot and want to see her as much as I can. She doesn’t live around here, so it’s not like I can see her at school or hang out after. She works a lot –”

“What does she do?” she interrupts
me. At least she’s asking questions. That could mean she’s interested.

“She’s a musician.”

“Devil’s music?”

“Mom, she’s not the devil. She’s a musician. You’d like music if you’d listen. Hadley tells stories with her songs.”

“It’s not allowed, Ryan.”

“Why not?”
I ask, leaning forward. I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me why we don’t watch television or even have a radio, but she doesn’t. She just sits there with her coffee cup in her hand, holding it tight as if it’s her lifeline.

“Mom, plea
se talk to me.” I plead. “I saw you last night in here and things looked weird. What was that?”

She looks at me, her eyes cold. “It’s called praying. You should do more of it. It will help you guide your decisions so that you are making the best one for yo
urself.”

“Mom, I like Hadley and she likes me. I’m not asking for permission to see her. I’m almost eighteen and am willing to take the risk of sneaking out at night to be with her, but I’d like for you to see things from my side. For the first time, I’ve
found someone that likes me for who I am and isn’t turned off by my second-hand clothes. She doesn’t care that I don’t have money, drive a fancy car, or live in a mansion. None of that matters to her because she likes me, your son, the one you’ve been raising.”

I can’t sit anymore. My hands are shaking. I want to throw her puzzle across the room and demand that she show me one ounce of support, to be there for me instead of hiding inside
herself all the time. I get up and pace, chewing on my bottom lip. When I turn and look at her, she’s crying. I’ve made her cry.

I go to her, bending down in front of her. “Mom,” I say as I move her chair away from the table and take her cup out of her hand. “I want a chance at a life different from here. This life isn’t for
me. The walls are closing in and I feel like I’m being squeezed of everything I know. Please, Mom, I know you’re not happy here. You never smile and it kills me to see you like this.”

“I’m happy,” she says quietly.

I shake my head. “Well, I’m not. I don’t want to work at the mill. I don’t even want to live in Brookfield anymore. I hate it here.”

“Ryan –“

“No, Mom, listen to me. I need something different. I want to be in a place that is alive, where people talk to each other every day, not just on Sundays.”

“And this girl plans to take you away?”

“No, she doesn’t, she’s not like that.” I get up and move back to my chair. “Hadley is different and the way she makes me feel – I didn’t know what I was missing until I met her.”

“You sound like you’re in love wi
th a girl you just met.”

I shrug. Maybe I am. I just don’t know what love is or what it’s supposed to feel like. If love is what my parents have, I don’t want any part of it.

“I like her, mom. She makes me happy.”

“You just met her.”

“I know, but haven’t you ever felt a connection with someone so strongly that you’d do whatever it takes to see them?” I lean forward, waiting for her answer. She must’ve felt something for my dad at one time. He couldn’t have always been like this.

She shakes her head. I wond
er why she married a man she doesn’t love.

“Do you love Dad?”

“Of course.”

“But he doesn’t make you smile.”

“Things…” she takes a deep breath. “Things change after a while.”

“If you love someone, your love should only grow stronger. Isn’t that what you us
ed to whisper to me at night?”

Mom looks out the window and back at me. “Love is foolish, but I have a feeling you aren’t going to listen to me, so you need to be careful, Ryan. You can’t let your father find out about this girl or what you’ve been doing a
t night.”

I sit back, shocked at what she just said. “You’ll let me see Hadley?”

She nods, biting her lower lip. “Please don’t do anything stupid. I can’t protect you.”

“I won’t, I promise. Would you like to meet her? Again, I mean.” I hope that she says y
es. I don’t want to keep Hadley shut out of my life. I’d like for us to have a normal relationship. Well, as much as one is allowed.

“Your dad isn’t going to church tomorrow. I’ll meet her then.” Mom gets up and walks away,
leaving me to think about what she just said. She’s willing to meet Hadley and invited her back to church.

I hear the pots and pans clinking together and figure I should help. I roll up her puzzle and put it away, along with her folding table. I have a fe
w minutes before I’m due to leave for work and there’s only one thing I want to do.

I walk into the kitchen and wrap my arms around my mom, hugging her tightly. “I love you, Mom.” I kiss her cheek quickly, but it was enough to know she’s been crying.

Hadley

“We should get up and do something. We could go shopping.” I say this with no intention of moving. I’m comfortable. My head is resting on his chest as he plays with my hair. I picked him up at work and we came back to my hotel. When he suggested we go to bed, I admit that I froze. I’m walking a fine line between right and wrong and one slip up and I’m in deep. I have to be careful. When I said we could sit on the couch, he whispered that he’d keep his hands to himself. Something I wanted to tell him wasn’t necessary, but knew it was.

Now the sun is shining through the large picture window of my hotel, warming the room. I could stay here all day, locked in his arms. We slept, but not very much. Once I got over the shock of him actually being
here, I couldn’t keep my lips off of him. He held true to his word though and his hands didn’t roam, even if I wanted them to.

Ryan sits up on his elbow, effectively pushing my back onto the bed. His hand trails down the curve of my face. His fingers gho
st over my lips. His eyes roam over my face, before his lips touch mine briefly.

I reach for him instinctively when he pulls away, but he shakes his head. He’s toying with me and it makes me wonder how he learned to act like this or if this is just natura
l.

“Would you like to meet my mom?”

I move away slightly, staring at him with shock. I know I heard him correctly, but for some reason I’m having a bit of trouble comprehending what exactly he just said.

“Say what?”

“You heard me.” He pulls me back into his arms, nestling against my neck. His lips press against my skin ever so lightly, sending chills down my arms.

“You want me to meet your mom?”

He nods against my neck.

“Does she want to meet me?”

“Yes,” he whispers against my skin.

This time I sit up,
breaking the connection between us. I can’t take him seriously when all I want to do his rip off his clothes. I sit cross-legged in front of him. His hand immediately finds mine. He, too, needs to touch me. It’s like we need each other to breathe and that’s something I haven’t felt for a very long time.

“What’s going on, Ryan?”

He sits back up on his elbow. “We talked yesterday before I went to work. I told her that you’re important to me.”

“Does she know you’re here?”

“Yes, she does. I guess she’s helping me in a way. She doesn’t approve of me sneaking around, but she’s not going to tell my dad.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

Ryan chuckles. “Very good.”

“Where am I supposed to meet her?”

“Church,” he says as he looks at the bedside clock. “That gives you two hours to do whatever girls do before we have to leave.”

I punch him lightly with my free hand.

“How long does it take you to get ready?”

“I can be ready in forty-five minutes. Why?”

“Because I want to kiss you some more.”

“You do?”

“Come here, let me show you.”

I fall into Ryan’s arms. His hands don’t leave my hair, my neck, or my face. They never roam past my shoulders. This PG relationship is not what I had in mind when I thought about having a boyfri
end, but I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever I can get with him.

Pulling away from him is torture. It’s like pulling two magnets away from each other. The pull is there and sometimes you aren’t strong enough to keep them from reattaching. That’s how I feel.
He makes me want to be better, to write more, to smile at every little moment that happens to me, whether it’s a good thing or not.

I slip on a dress, one more appropriate for church, and stare at myself in the mirror. I’m twenty-two years old and in love
with a boy. I mouth the words over and over again,
I love him
. I watch in fascination, as my face breaks out into the biggest grin I’ve seen in a long time. Nothing can even come close to what I’m feeling for Ryan and he’s about to introduce me to his mom. If he had told me this when we first met, I’d call bullshit.

Coming out of the bathroom, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. He’s changed into slacks and a dress shirt. If I didn’t know better, I’d say we are an old couple following a daily routine. I l
ike the idea of growing old with him.

He stands, taking the few steps that separate us. He pulls my hand into his. He’s happy – it’s written all over his face.

“I have a beautiful girlfriend.”

I shy away at him calling me beautiful. He doesn’t realize ho
w much of a compliment that is. How much that word means to me. Sure, I hear that I’m hot or sexy, but never beautiful.

“Thank you.”

“I mean it.” He steps closer. I want to kiss him. Throw him back onto the bed and rip off his shirt. The desire to feel his skin against mine is there, testing my resolve.

“I know,” I say, nodding. “You make me feel beautiful.” He does. It’s in the way that he looks at me. The way that he holds my hand or caresses my face, his fingers stop against my skin.

A knock on the door causes him to step back; even though Alex knows he’s here and knows about us, he’s cautious. I can’t blame him, but would like him to feel at ease when we’re together like this. Alex isn’t going to tell anyone.