Lost in You (19 page)

I miss having her in my arms. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss the way she smiles when I kiss her or th
e way she plays with my hair when she’s thinking. I fear that we're going to lose what we had now that we’ve been apart, or worse, she’s going to meet someone else. Someone who can provide her with everything that she needs and wants and that she can be seen with in public. I know she wants that and I can’t offer her jack shit.

The feeling of dread – an emotion we learned today – washes over me when she answers the phone. The cheery tone she usually has when she answers is missing. I try to mask my alarm; I
don’t want her to know I’m feeling this way because upsetting her is the last thing I want to do.

I want to know about her day. When I ask her, she plays it off as if it’s no big deal, but it is to me. My life is mundane and repetitive, always sticking t
o the same schedule, even where she’s concerned.

The silence is starting to scare me. Should I feel this way? Is she finally realizing the distance is more than she is willing to put up with? She doesn’t have to. I’m the one who needs to hold on to what l
ittle bit of her I can get.

“Hadley?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Something wrong?”

She sighs and now I know. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what she’s going to tell me. It’s not working. It’s the distance. You’re too young. Whatever the reasoning, I’ll have to take it like a man.

“Ian’s being unreasonable. He’s sending me back out on a promotional tour.”

“Okay.” I’m not sure how to respond. This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. I know she’s tired, but she’s also a performer and this is her job. Believe me, I’d love to not work and get paid.

“You don’t understand.”

“What?” Vague Hadley is not my favorite.

“The tour is straight through until the end of the year.”

Through the end of the year
.

My birthday.

A day that she
promised she would spend with me no matter what and now she’ll be on tour.

“So no days off?”

“There’s more.”

I want to say
of course there is
, but I don’t. I’m in no position to say anything.

Hadley sighs and starts talking. I listen closely, but really
don’t hear much after the words
ex-boyfriend
,
tour
and
together
. She’s going on tour with her ex-boyfriend. One that I didn’t know existed. Maybe she didn’t think it was important to tell me about her ex, or maybe she thought he wasn’t important to discuss. I feel he is.

“How serious were you with him?”

“We lived together. He was my first boyfriend. We were sort of thrown together because of our jobs, but…he cheated on me. I was on tour and really missed him so I came home and found him with someone else. I left and haven’t seen him since. The break-up was all over the media and was messy. I just don’t know why…”

She trails off, not finishing her sentence. I’m not sure what to think. I know that I don’t have an opinion, but I’d like one. I don’t know what I
’d say though.

“This doesn’t change anything, Ryan.”

“Okay.” That is a cop-out answer on my part, because in my mind everything has changed. She’ll be spending all her time with this guy, one who knows her very well and I’ll be here, waiting.

“Ryan?”

“What?”

“I know this sucks –”

“You’re going out on tour with your ex-boyfriend and not just any ex, but one you’ve lived with and clearly had sex with and you’re going to be spending every waking minute with him. I’m sorry if the visions going through my mind aren’t what you think they should be.”

“Ryan –”

“Is Alex going?”

“No.” She says this so quietly I almost don’t hear her. So no Alex to keep Hadley occupied or to intercede. Perfect.

I rub my hand over my face. I never knew what jealousy was until now. Everything in me is screaming that this is not good. Nothing good is going to come from this.

“Hadley, I know it’s your job. I get it. I’m just… I don’t know what I am.” I lie. I’m jealous and hurt. Her manager did this. She was supposed to be off. We’re su
pposed to be able to spend winter vacation together. I’ll be eighteen. We had plans.

“I’ll be there for your birthday.”

“Yep. I gotta go. I have to work.” I hang up. For the first time since we’ve started dating I’ve ended the conversation first and throw my phone onto the bed. It rings instantly, but I ignore her call. I don’t have anything to say.

She calls back, I hit ignore and get ready for work. I can hear the phone vibrate against my bed, but I don’t look. I can’t. I don’t want to look at her smili
ng face on my screen knowing that I’m losing her.

Did I really even have her?

Probably not.

She’s Hadley Carter – mega superstar – and I’m Ryan Stone – nobody. 

Hadley

He hung up on me.

He isn’t answering
my calls. I never thought things would be like this and all because of Ian and his need for power. I need to tell him no. Tell him that this tour isn’t going to be anything but a problem for me and that I won’t do it. I don’t need to. So what if some stupid article said I was in rehab. If my fans really want to believe that, then so be it. Ryan is more important to me.

I should’ve known Ian was up to something when he demanded that I stay in Los Angeles and not return to New York when Alex left. We’re too c
lose and he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like that I listen to her and ask for her input on projects. I know he doesn’t like it when Alex speaks her mind; she challenges him and to him that’s disrespectful.

I try Ryan one more time, hoping that he’ll ans
wer. The phone rings and rings and by the fifth ring I know he’s not going to pick up. Why should he? I just told him that I’ll be spending the next six weeks with my ex-boyfriend. Ryan’s smart enough to know that’s night and day in this industry. There are daily rehearsals, interviews and travel. He’s going to drive himself crazy with worry. I can’t really blame him. I’d be worried too if he told me he was going on a trip with Dylan. I may have told him homecoming was a good idea, but I only did so he wouldn’t lose his best friend. I’m a woman in love, I want him on my arm,
not my competition's
and whether Ryan sees that or not, she wants him and I probably just delivered him to her on a silver platter.

I put away my phone. He has nothing to say. In all lik
elihood I’m going to miss his birthday and there isn’t anything I can do about it. That was to be the night that I don’t tell him no. The night when I give in to all my urges and finally be with him the way I’ve been dreaming about. I know Ryan wants to move things along and now he’s worried about Cole. He didn’t have to say the words, but his reference to sex was enough to convey that he thinks there could be something more. I can’t blame him. I can’t. He has every right to feel jilted.

I pull out my phone
and try him again. Same result. I try Alex. She’ll know what to do. I can’t believe I didn’t think about calling her right away. She would’ve been able to tell me how to handle Ryan.

“What’s up, Buttercup?”

“I’m in trouble.”

“Why, did you and Ryan tango
and his parents find out?”

“No, worse.”
At least it is in my book.

“Worse? Details and hurry, because the suspense is already killing me.”

“You’re so dramatic. Anyway, Ian is sending me back on tour and Coleman is going with me.”

Silence.

And more silence.

Alex clears her throat.

“Coleman as in Coleman Hollister,
the most eligible bachelor in the world according to People Magazine
, Coleman Hollister?”

“Uh huh.”

“And you told lover-boy all about Coleman didn’t you?”

“How’d you know?”

“Because I know you, Hadley. You were upset about Ian and the hottie jailbait called and you spilled your guts.” I try not to smile when she calls Ryan jailbait. I should’ve called her first. She would’ve coached me on how to break the news to Ryan without having all this drama.

“Don’t call him jailbait.”

“Did you smile?”

“Yes, but still. Anyway, he’s not talking to me. He’s upset and I don’t blame him, but there isn’t anything I can do. Ian’s still pissed from the last time I took off to see Ryan and said I need this for my image
. He’s threatening to tell everyone how old Ryan is.”

“He wouldn’t.”

“I’d like to think he wouldn’t, but I’m not so sure I can trust him to keep Ryan a secret. Besides, he’s already told Cole so it’s just a matter of time.”

“He told Cole?”

“Yeah.”

“Freakin
g shady.”

“Tell me about it,” I sigh heavily into the phone. I don’t understand why things can’t be simple.

“Here’s the thing. Your image, it’s fine. So what if one magazine thinks you went to rehab. You were gone for a weekend. It’s not like you disappeared for a month and you were spotted in Jackson. It’s not like there’s a clinic there. There’s only one image of you and Ryan and you can barely see Ryan. Someone would have to do a lot of digging to find dirt on you and him together. Ryan could totally play off the superstar crush that all the other guys out there have. I think Ian is up to something, Hadley. He’s dirty and sneaky. And why bring Coleman in? Unless he’s planning a bunch of staged publicity shoots and telling the media you guys are together, what’s the point?”

I hadn’t thought of it like that. I’d like to think my uncle wouldn’t stoop so low, but maybe he would. Maybe there’s more at stake than I realize. But Ryan's at stake for me. He knows this is my job and he accepts that, but I promised h
im time off and a special birthday and I’m not interested in breaking that promise to him.

“Do you really think Ian would do something like that?”

“In a heartbeat. Listen girl, something’s fishy. I’m not there and all of a sudden you have this tour with Coleman. Remember when you guys broke up and Ian made sure you were moved out as soon as possible. There were pictures of Coleman coming home with flowers, only to find a moving truck there. Staged, totally.”

“I don’t know. Ian says there have been a lot o
f rumors about me that he makes sure never end up in the paper. He’s making it sound like every time I take a misstep the media is making me out to be some type of drug user or something.”

“That’s such bullshit. You’ve never done anything stronger than asp
irin.”

“I know that and so do you, but what about everyone else? Is that what people think of me?”

“Let me ask you something. Why are you doing this tour? Is it for your image or to keep your secret about Ryan?”

I think about her question for a minute. “A
little of both, I guess. I want his mom to like me and I felt like I was walking on eggshells when we met, but also for Ryan. He doesn’t need people digging into his life.”

“Have you told Ryan about what Ian said?”

“No.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I’m afraid.”

“
Girl, I’m going to kick your ass. Tell him! He’ll understand.”

I sigh. “You’re right. I’ll tell him.”

“Of course I’m right. Be honest with Ryan, he deserves it. He didn’t grow up in this messed-up industry and if you have to, fly out to see him.”

“I will.”

“Okay, mama’s yelling. I love you, Hadley, and so does Ryan. Let him prove it.”

Alex and I hang up, leaving me with a lot to think about. I know Ian isn’t perfect, but he’s a good manager and I know the decisions he makes are for my benefit. My parents pi
cked him because he has a good sense of business, dabbled in the music scene when he was younger and because he’s family.

I look around and notice that the nannies are all gone and the sun is going down. I really need
to call a cab. Walking back to Ian’s is out of the question. Hell, at this point I just need someone to drop me off at the airport because I don’t want to be here anymore. That would really send a message to Ian. His
checkbook
is missing again. The thought makes me laugh. I’d love to disappear and make him suffer for what he’s doing to me. What is he thinking?

I stand and immediately wish I had done this more slowly. My feet are asleep. The annoying prickly feeling coursing through them makes me want to sit
down right away. I don’t. I take tiny steps around, not far enough away from the tree just in case I need the support. Each step is less painful, more annoying than anything.

I pick up my shoes. Still refusing to put them on, the cool grass sends a sligh
t chill through me. I don’t have an option but to walk through the grass without my shoes. I’d sink with each step I take in these stupid heels. I should stop wearing them. I’m sick of having to put on a show for everyone all the time. What about what I want? Comfort would be nice. I wouldn’t mind not having to wear form-fitting clothes all the time. Maybe then I wouldn’t be afraid to bend over or sit down.