Lost World (5 page)

“Found some yesterday when we were in town,” Jon says.

I lower myself onto the bench at Hadley’s side and stretch until my back pops. She holds a metal mug out to me, and the smell is practically orgasmic.

“Coffee,” I murmur, letting out a sigh.

When I take a sip, the liquid is so hot it scalds the tip of my tongue. It feels good though, if that makes sense. Reminds me of burning my tongue on hot chocolate when I was a kid, then walking around the rest of the day with that raw tingly feeling lingering in my mouth. Weird that I’d have any good memories of my childhood.

I turn toward the sound of splashing. The kids are back in the hot spring, running around in nothing but their underwear. Laughing and looking relaxed for the first time in weeks. Jessica and Sophia stand at the edge of the pool, talking while they watch the kids. Sophia rubs her rounded belly, and my heart constricts as memories of my own pregnancy come flooding back.

Like Sophia’s, it was a bittersweet event. I was young and alone, living with an abusive father. I knew I had to give her up when she was born, but there were still moments so joyful they were able to overshadow all of that. Moments when I felt my baby move and I was able to focus on the life I’d helped create rather than the shitty circumstances I’d found myself in. Emily was a blessing, that’s for sure. Even the short time I was with her made all the pain worth it.

I exhale and look around for Axl like I always do when I think of Emily. But he isn’t here, and he’s not the only one who’s missing.

“Where is everyone?”

“Anne is lying down with Jake, and I’m pretty sure Joshua is with them,” Hadley says. “Angus and Parvarti are hunting, and Winston and Axl went up to the truck to get some supplies.”

I should be helping, but I’m groggy this morning. Having a difficult time waking up. I slept like a log for the first time in a long time, and it’s playing tricks with my body. So I lean back and try to relax. Just for a bit.

I’ve earned it.

“I want to head back out soon,” Hadley says.

“Yeah.” Jon rolls his shoulders and just like my back, they pop. We’re all full of knots from sleeping on such hard surfaces every night.

“Where are you going?” I ask, blowing into my coffee.

“There’s another town about twenty miles farther out. We need to see if we can find some antibiotics.” Hadley gets up and pulls her hair into a ponytail. “Jake needs medicine and waiting is stupid.”

“Axl know about this?” I ask.

Hadley’s green eyes snap toward me, then narrow on my face. “Axl isn’t in charge.”

What? I don’t have a clue where it’s coming from, but Hadley sounds mad. “I didn’t say he was. I was just wondering what he thought about it.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jon says, standing. Following Hadley’s lead. They act like they’re ready to head out right this second. “We’re going. We discussed this last night before we even got back, and we aren’t going to change our minds.”

“Okay…” I set my mug down, unsure of what to say or do. I’ve never seen Hadley lose her cool like this—except with that asshole Mitchell back at the shelter—and I’m not sure what’s brought it on. Something I missed while I was still asleep? “I’m not saying you shouldn’t go, I just want to know what’s happening. How far out is this town? You were gone for a pretty long time yesterday.”

“Looks like it will take about an hour to get there,” Jon says.

“If you don’t run into any trouble,” I point out, “which we all know is unlikely.”

Hadley’s face gets red, and she blows air out of her nose so violently it reminds me of a bull. “Why are you trying to talk us out of this?”

What the hell is going on?

I get to my feet and take a step toward her. “Hadley, I’m not. I’m just talking to you. Why don’t you tell me what’s really wrong?”

She shrugs me off when I reach out to her, then stomps away without saying anything else. Jon hurries after her. I have no clue what just happened, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t have anything to do with me.

I turn to find Al, Lila, and Darla staring at me. “What’s going on?”

“Hadley already fought about this with Axl and Winston this morning,” Al says, shrugging like it’s no big deal. “Winston doesn’t want them to go, and Axl backed him up.”

“But Jake needs the medicine.”

Al puts his hand—and stump—up like he’s trying to ward off an argument. “I’m just telling you what happened.”

There goes my hope of being able to relax. “I’m going to find Axl so I can figure out what’s going on.”

I head up the stairs, and the second I hear footsteps behind me, I know it’s Darla. Damn. Why can’t she leave me alone? I stop at the top of the steps and wait for her to catch up. It doesn’t seem like I’m going to be able to shake her for much longer, so maybe it’s better if we get this whole thing out in the open. Whatever it is.

I force my expression to remain emotionless as I turn her way. It isn’t easy. Darla brings out too many emotions in me. Things I’d rather forget.

She reaches the top of the stairs and stops, and I get a really good look at my mom for the first time in a few weeks. She’s looking rough. Her hair has grown out and her roots are dark brown. They’re close to two inches long now. The weight she’s lost has made her face gaunt and her boobs saggy. She’s aged about five years in the last few weeks, but her smile is the same. I know because it’s like looking in a mirror.

“You gonna talk to me?” she says, frowning.

“You seem to think it’s important that I do,” I say, crossing my arms as if they’ll protect me from her presence.

“I think it’s about time we put the past behind us, don’t you?”

A thousand bitter words bubble up inside me. This is the woman who gave birth to me then ran out, leaving me alone with an abusive man. She never looked back. Never checked on me. I probably would have never seen her again if we hadn’t run into her in Vegas. Of course she’d want to put the past behind her.

“Then what?” I ask. “You want us to develop some deep and meaningful mother-daughter bond?”

She rolls her eyes so far back her irises almost get lost in her skull. “‘Course not. I ain’t dumb. But you been holding onto all this anger for so long. Don’t you think you’d feel better if you could forgive me?”

I’d like to tell her no, but I know it’d be a lie. To be honest, it would be nice not to have bitterness threaten to suffocate me every time I look at her. I’m just not sure if I can do it. My life never would have been easy, but if she’d taken me with her it could have been better.

Of course, then I wouldn’t be standing here. Who knows where I’d be, but I would have taken a different path. Never would have had Emily. Never met Axl. Never joined up with this group. Who knows if they would even be together right now? Axl is a different person than he was a few months ago, and I’d like to think I had a lot to do with that.

Everything happens for a reason.

Of course, acknowledging that to myself and being ready to forgive my mom are two very different things.

“I’ll think about it,” I say.

Darla frowns, and the skin under her eyes sags even more. “Think about it?”

“Yeah.”

She lets out a deep breath, then nods like she understands. “You know, I didn’t ever want to be a mom.”

I blink, and the sudden pain in my gut feels like someone has punched me. Is this her way of trying to make me feel better?

“Thanks?” I say, unable to hold back the bitterness.

Darla rolls her eyes again, this time making the gesture so exaggerated she looks more like a caricature than an actual person. “Don’t do that. When you get all sarcastic like that you sound like your daddy.”

The tension in my stomach gets more intense. This woman knows exactly what to say to get under my skin.

“Never say anything like that to me again,” I say through clenched teeth, digging my nails into my arm.

“Forget all that.” She waves her hand in the air like she can swat away the words. “I didn’t say all that to make you mad. I just wanna explain. It’s something I never got to do. I was barely seventeen when I got knocked up, but you knew that. Your daddy was a lot older. Already twenty-four. I didn’t have a good home. Had a dad who barely worked and drank too much, and a mom that was always pregnant herself.” She pauses and looks at me. “Did you know I had six brothers and a sister?”

I shake my head. “Never met even one aunt or uncle.”

“They didn’t keep in touch.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal, but the look in her eyes says differently. “My mama was pregnant with my baby sister when I found out about you. She did her best, and I know she loved us, but it was all too much for her. Your daddy offered to take me on and marry me, and I think she saw it as one less mouth to feed. I dropped outta school and got married.”

“And the rest is history.”

She snorts, and her brown eyes move to the ground. “Something like that.”

“So you never loved me?”

The second the words are out, I regret it. I’m not sure I want to know. I thought I’d accepted that my parents had been indifferent to me when I was a child, but standing here in front of my mom, I’m not sure if I want to have that reality confirmed. It might feel like her running out on me all over again.

When Darla looks up, her eyes are softer. “Didn’t say that. I was young. It don’t really excuse how I acted, but you gotta remember that. When I ran off I was only twenty-seven. Lotta people that age don’t even have kids. I felt trapped. Your daddy couldn’t look at me without getting mad, and it always led to me getting a black eye. Being a mom just wasn’t my thing.”

Emily’s face flashes through my mind, and I dig my nails deeper into my arm. I hate that I know what she means, but I do. All I ever thought about was Emily, but once I had her back, I didn’t know what to do with her or myself. I thought it would be natural. That’s what I’d always heard anyway.

“It’s a lot harder than you think it’s going to be,” I mumble, unsure if I’m saying it for my benefit or Darla’s.

Her brown eyes grow wide, and she tilts her head to the side. “You make me a grandma?”

Shit. Last thing I ever wanted to talk with her about was Emily, but the cat’s out of the bag now. “Let’s just say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“Seventeen?”

“I was sixteen, actually. It was a girl. Emily,” I whisper, pain radiating through my body like it’s trying to suck the life out of me.

“What happened to her?”

My throat tightens and I do my best not to think about the day she died, but it’s an impossible task. What I have to say about Emily could fill a book. Darla doesn’t know that Emily was the first casualty in our group.

“I gave her up,” I finally say. “I couldn’t bring her back to the trailer. Not with Roger using me as a punching bag. Plus, I wanted to finish high school so I could make something of myself. I wanted her to have a good life.”

“Maybe that’s what I shoulda done. I don’t know.”

Things would have been so different if she’d done that, but then again, so would I. The person I am now fits into this world. I’m strong and resourceful. Used to working hard. If I’d had an easy life, I might not have made it.

“Maybe you did the right thing.” Darla’s eyebrows shoot up, and I shrug. “It made me strong.”

Footsteps come up behind us, and I turn to find Axl heading our way. He stops when he sees Darla and me standing together. It’s hard to read the expression on his face—he’s always so guarded—but he looks almost like he’s ready to charge over and protect me. From my mom. Which kind of makes me want to laugh.

“You guys get what you need out of the truck?” I ask.

He closes the distance between us and slides his hand around my waist protectively. “We gotta get them drinks down to the camp. Need them cans.”

“I can help.” I turn to Darla and do my best to smile at her. I’m pretty sure it looks as fake as it feels, but it’s a start. “You want to help?”

“Sure thing.”

When I turn to look at Axl, his eyes are wide with surprise. I guess he didn’t expect to find me chatting it up with my mom like we were old friends. Neither did I, that’s for sure.

My arms strain from the weight of the soda cans as I head back down to the hot spring. Axl’s in front of me, carrying twice as many as I am. In front of him, Darla is huffing away, and Winston is just as loaded down as Axl is.