Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 07 (11 page)

Miss Wilson started giving him her idea of a ballocking, i.e., “Well, this is really…I mean, it's ten minutes since we started and really it would be nice if you could, erm, be on time.”

Dave said, “Time waits for no pants. But I am here now, let's get this show on the road.”

He said hello to his mates and then came over to where I was standing at the side of the stage. I kept my eyes down because I thought he might be able to read my mind and see that I had been planning to use him as my decoy duck. Actually, he said, “Oy missus, stop looking at my manly parts.”

I tried to have a strop, but he does make me laugh so I ended up smiling at him.

We started the rehearsal on a high note with the
witches' scene, “Hubble bubble toil and pants.” Rosie in a fit of inspiration stopped stirring the cauldron and segued into a bit of the Viking disco inferno dance. She still had her branch that she used for stirring, but she was free forming with it. Stab stab to the right, stab stab to the left and “Hoooorn.”

Dave and I burst into spontaneous applause, but Miss Wilson said she was being silly. Rosie said, “I have just introduced a note of Vikingness into the play, Miss Wilson, I think Billy would have liked it.”

Miss Wilson was madly doing her buttons up. “Rosie, Vikings had nothing to do with Shakespeare's
Macbeth
.”

Dave said, “Are you sure, Miss Wilson? Perhaps Billy didn't tell you everything.”

Eventually Miss Wilson managed to get us all back in our positions and on with the play. For a while things were going relatively smoothly.

But then it all went downhill. Nauseating P. Green accidentally set off the starting pistol used for the battle scene, and Dave started yelling, “Save yourselves, save yourselves,” and racing around. Elvis Attwood came panting up with his fire bucket ready to bury someone in sand should
fire break out. He told Nauseating P. Green to mind where she put her bum in future and stomped off to fiddle with his extinguishers. Miss Wilson managed to get us back on stage again, but then we got to the banquet scene. Now I have to say in all fairness, none of us really thinks that the juggling and fire-eating improvised scene is a good idea. Melanie is absolutely hopeless at the juggling oranges bit. She more or less just chucks them in the air and they fall all over the place and then she picks them up. It is not as such my idea of juggling. It is actually chucking oranges about. And as I said to Miss Wilson, “Wouldn't Billy Shakespeare have written it in if he thought it was a good idea?”

Miss Wilson said, “Now, er, that is an interesting point, Georgia, because you see, in Elizabethan times, the play would be, er…well, a sort of moveable feast, the players would take the text and use…well, their own ideas. Like, er…I have had an idea about the juggling and er, fire and so on.”

Rosie said, “Well, what did the Bird of Avon think about your idea?”

Miss Wilson started fiddling with her cardigan buttons. “Well, of course he isn't, well, he couldn't comment on my idea because as you know…”

Dave said, “Was he angry with you because you wouldn't go out with him, miss?”

walking home together

The usual suspects. Ellen is going to develop very very strong legs if she keeps on walking home with us. She must be doing an extra ten miles walking a day, such is her luuurve for Dave the Laugh.

Rosie said, “I saw the way Nauseating P. Green was looking at Spotty Norman and I think I could smell romance backstage.”

Rollo said, “Sorry about that. I let off during the Witches bit.”

Jools laughed like a loon on loon tablets. Honestly. Girls can be such divs around boys. Ellen dribbling about Dave, Jools laughing at fart jokes, and Jas hand-in-hand with Tom. Thank goodness I have some pridenosity.

Dave said, “Mr. Attwood's a plucky little woman, isn't he?”

Ellen said, “Oh well, he's not, I mean, he's not a woman.”

I looked at her, Dave looked at her. I see no romance made in heaven for her and Dave.

fifteen minutes later

Just me and Dave. Ellen once again will be nearing home by midnight. She caught the bus at last, still looking moonily after Dave. He gave her a bit of a lazy peck on the cheek and she almost fell over. After he had done that, he looked at me and went, “What? What?” but he knows what. The sunlight caught his eyes and he looks really, I don't know, sort of, well, maybe it's the time of year, but I think I have slightly got the general horn. But no no no, mine is not the way of the Horn.

Dave said, “I wouldn't mind being a girl for a day.”

I said, “Wow, you mean so you could really know what it feels like to have girlie like stuff?”

He looked thoughtful. Dave can be really deep and nice and he is good looking. Oh blimey, if he tried to snog me, I don't think I've got the power to resist. Then he said, “Yeah exactly, if I were a girl for a day, I would just stand in front of a mirror and look at my nungas all day. And feel them whenever I wanted to. S'later, kittykat.”

And he went off quite quickly. How weird. Usually he comes nearly to my house with me, but he didn't. Maybe he's got footie practice or some
thing. Or maybe he's meeting someone. A girl, maybe. A date.

nearly home

Good. That would be good for him to have a date. Nothing to do with me.

in my room

I wonder who will be at Katie Steadman's party? Masimo probably won't be there.

Dave will be, though, I should think.

Maybe with his new mystery girlfriend.

I bet she is vair plain.

saturday july 2nd
downtown
lunchtime

Even though I am not in the mood, the ace gang had a spontaneous danceathon outside a record shop. It was playing a really loud song that you could hear in the street, so we thought, Give the shoppers the benefit of our disco inferno. I think they were impressed, although there was the usual grumbling from the pensioners.

1:30 p.m.

Churchill Square was full of lads all marauding about slapping their hands and fingers and generally acting like prats. One of the prats was looking so hard at our nungas as we passed that he crashed into a shop window.

The theme of Katie's party is “Rock.” We have to go as rock chicks and air guitarists and so on. I suppose it will be a laugh and, anyway, I'm not
impressing anyone, so who cares what I look like?

boots

I've got some really dark red lipstick and nail polish and I know Mum will have some ludicrous top I can borrow in Lurex or Lycra. And I'll wear my three-quarter suede boots.

saturday evening

In the bedroom of life, tarting myself up for another long evening of goosegogging and silly dancing. But ho hum, pig's bum, I mustn't forget that I may well be the person that Masimo likes and doesn't want to upset. Yessss!!! Or possibly noooooo.

At least my mates will be there and also Dave the Laugh. You know, in a friendy way that will be nice.

7:00 p.m.

We all met at the clock tower.

Jools, Mabs, Ellen, and Jas were there when I came up the hill. Blimey O'Reilly's trousers, they are all quite literally rock chicks. Everyone is
wearing black with just a hint of black. Even Jas has backcombed her hair. Because I will not be snogging anyone tonight, I have been able to risk the boy entrancers. I got some in Boots with the sparkly bits in them. I think they look vair vair cool.

I said to the gang, “Where is Rosie?”

Jools said, “She rang just before I left to say that Sven was having trouble getting his trousers on, so they would meet us at Katie's.”

Good grief.

katie steadman's house
7:40 p.m.

The house looks quite cool, actually. Katie has got disco lights everywhere, and a boy dressed all in leather (hmmm that will be nice later on as it is about a million degrees tonight) is at the record decks.

7:45 p.m.

There are fairy lights hung in the trees in the garden! I am almost beginning to cheer up.

Katie gave us some snacksies and said, “Everyone is going to come, all the lads from sixth form college, the Foxwood crowd, the St. John's
boys, er, who else? Oh yeah, the Dame and his mates and the girls of Moorgrange are bringing mates. I even saw Dom, you know, from the Stiff Dylans, and he said they would try and pop by.”

She went away and I just stood there.

I turned to Jas, who was eating her sausage roll like she hadn't eaten anything for about a fortnight, AND we had had cheesy snacks on the way here.

“Did you hear that, Jas? Did you? Did you? Did you hear that?”

She was chewing and went, “Ummmnff.”

“Jas, is that yes or no?”

“Nnfff.”

I took it as a yes.

“The Stiff Dylans are coming and do you know what that means? That means that Masimo will be coming, because he is in the Stiff Dylans.”

She didn't seem a bit interested, too busy eating her sausage thing and beaking around, looking at who was there and who they were with and so on. She is very superficial.

 

I was going to tell the others about the Luuurve God and ask their gang advice when there was the
sound of yodeling. Sven had arrived. Crikey, his loons were the tightest I had ever seen. And he was wearing a fringed cowboy jacket and cowboy hat. Both silver. I don't know what sort of rock bands they have in Lapland or wherever he comes from and I don't want to. Rosie was not much better. She had on the tiniest dress and thigh-length boots, with shades. (I don't mean the boots had shades, they were not that famous.)

Sven came over to us. “Hello, you wild and sexy chicks. Take me! Use me, you lady animals!!!”

And then he picked us up one by one, bent us backward and kissed us full on the mouth. It is absolutely no use appealing to either him or Rosie. The music started and he went off into one of his alarming dance routines. How he manages to do the splits in those trousers I will never know. It was a very good job that Katie had cleared everything from the room. The leather DJ person looked alarmed. I bet he was hoping he chose records that Sven liked.

8:45 p.m.

The party is really rocking now. Masses of people have arrived.

No sign of Masimo or the Stiff Dylans, though. My nerves are shot to pieces. I have to go to the piddly diddly department about every two seconds. Should I take the boy entrancers off to save any incidents?

10:00 p.m.

Having a breather in the garden.

As usual the whole thing has turned into a snogathon. The Dame arrived with his mates and he made a beeline for me. “Hello, gorgeous, remember me?”

Oh yes, I remembered the Dame. Since I had used my sticky eyes technique on him at one of Rosie's parties, he was like my slavey boy. I wouldn't mind, but I had only been using him to make Dave the Laugh jealous. Speaking of which. I wonder where Dave was. Not that I care.

The Dame was looking at my mouth and then let his eyes drift down to my nunga area.

Did he really think that was sexy?

Then he said, “Do you fancy, you know, coming outside with me?”

I said, “We are outside.”

Any normal person would have seen the light
then, but not the Dame. “Yeah, but do you want to come even more outside?”

Is he mad? I am never using the sticky eye technique again. I was wondering whether I could just deck him and run when Dave the Laugh appeared at my elbow! He winked at me.

“Good evening, sensation seekers.”

I have never been so glad to see anyone in my life.

I gave him my biggest smile, not even bothering to not let my nose spread out all over my face.

I said, “Dave!!! Fabby to see you!”

He looked a bit surprised. “Steady there, soldier, I know I'm gorgeous, but…”

I got hold of his arm and said, “I love this song—let's dance.”

And I dragged him onto the dance floor.

half an hour later

I must say I do have a lorra lorra larfs with Dave and he is a cool dancer. He does this pretend air guitar leaping thing that really makes me laugh. We even did a bit of dancing where we went back to back air guitar dancing and lowered ourselves to the floor and back up again. Everyone clapped.

10:40 p.m.

Rosie was holding two drinks in her hands talking to me about her lovely imaginary wedding.

“I think for snacks we'll have a reindeer theme.” Then her “fiancé” came up from behind her and pulled her knickers down. Honestly. Her knickers were round her ankles and she couldn't pull them up because of her hands being full. Sven went off doing his mad dancing, shouting, “Oh jah oh jah!”, his electric colored loons shining on the dance floor.

Rosie said to me, “Take the drinks, ohmygod, ohmygod, quick quick.”

But I was laughing too much.

I wanted to help her, but it was just too funny.

In the end she had to shuffle over to a table with her undercrackers round her ankles to put the glasses down. Then she pulled her knickers up and went on the warpath to find her fiancé. Vair funny, actually.

11:30 p.m.

I had lost everyone for a moment and I was so hot from the dancing that I went outside to get some air.

I was leaning against the wall when Dave fell out of the French windows. He saw me and said, “It's our song, kittykat, let's ROCK!”

He tried to drag me back inside, but I said, “Oh I can't, I am too hot, I've got to have a breather.”

He said, “Hang on, missus, I'll get us drinks.”

He disappeared inside and I could see him grooving his way through the dance floor, stopping to dance with groups of girls as he did. He is such a flirt.

He danced his way back with the drinks and we went and stood against a tree at the bottom of the garden. It was a really lovely summer's evening and I didn't even resent the stars anymore. In fact, they reminded me of my night with Masimo. I wondered if the Luuurve God would come. Then I thought that even if he did, it might be quite good for him to see me in the garden with Dave. It might hint at the right amount of glaciosity.

As I drank my drink I looked over the rim of the glass at Dave and he looked back at me. It seemed like ages that we just looked at each other. Then he took the glass out of my hand and put it down on a bench. He took my face in both his hands (I don't mean he ripped it off my neck) and he leaned down
and kissed me. He did his nip libbling thing. Wow, no one could deny—however much they loved a Luuurve God—that Dave was top at snogging. I was just beginning to get the old jelloid knees and liquid brain scenario when Dave stopped. Nonono not the stopping thing!!! He said, “Oh no, miss, I am not going through this again.”

And he lightly smacked my bum and went off into the house.

What? What? Why did he smack my bum? Why did he stop nip libbling? What does he mean “I'm not going through this again?” I may be having a spaz attack.

I stayed in the garden for a bit and then went back into the house to find the gang. Sven had taken over at the controls of the music station and the DJ was saying, “Er, could you give me back my equipment, mate?”

Sven put his arm around him. Hmm. Then he kissed the DJ on the lips. I thought leather boy was going to throw up. But he has senseless courage, that has to be said, because he wrestled the controls back from Sven. Sven didn't mind, he just stood with his arm around the DJ and nodded along to the music.

Jools and Rollo were snogging and dancing at the same time, so they were no use. Jas had gone home early because she wanted to be “fresh” for her ramble with Tom tomorrow. I could see Ellen chatting to Dave the Laugh so I wouldn't be joining them. I couldn't find Mabs anywhere. She was probably under a pile of coats somewhere snogging. She has very little pridenosity when it comes to having the general horn. (At the last Stiff Dylans gig, she was actually snogging with one of Tosser Thompson's mates. Imagine snogging with a trainee tosser. Well, I didn't have to imagine it because in the dark days before I eschewed red bottomosity with a firm hand, I had actually snogged Mark Big Gob. Erlack.)

I went into the kitchen and Ro Ro was in there collecting snacks for Sven. She said, “It's a laugh, isn't it?”

And I said, “Not many benny.”

As she went out, Katie came in and she said, “I'm having a groovy time, loads of peeps, aren't there? Really groovy crowd. It's a shame the Dylans couldn't come, but Dom said they had an important meeting.”

Oh typico.

As I came out of the kitchen I saw Dave coming out of the living room with his jacket on. I must have really upset him if he was stropping home. I said to him, “Dave, are you going, maybe I'll…”

And as I said that, Emma Jacobs from St. Mary's came out from the room with her coat on. Dave took her hand and said to me, “Yeah, we're quitting the scene, maaan. Stay cool, mate.”

Emma looked all girlie at him and they went off out into the night.

I didn't want to talk to the others about it, so I thought I'd give Dave and Emma a few minutes and then I would sneak off myself. I felt really really weird.

midnight

I am quite literally tossed about on the sea of life.

Up whatsitcreek without a paddle.

Or even a canoe.

Why do I feel so weird about Dave going off with someone else? Serves me right because I was only going to use him as a decoy duckie thing. Except that it wasn't just that. Because I really like him, and when I was kissing him I forgot about
everything else. Even the fact that I am madly in luuurve with Masimo.

five minutes later

The streets are really quiet, except that I can see into lighted houses and there are people having fun. And I am out here on the unfun road.

I am full of confusiosity. Sometimes I feel so desperate, I almost wish I was like Jas. Not in the undercracker obsession department, but the way she just luuurves Hunky and doesn't think about anyone else. Maybe it's because he really likes her and doesn't like anyone else and that encourages her. Or maybe it's because her mutti and vati are like that. Maybe if she had a prostitute and a madman for parents she wouldn't be so bloody smug and happy. Besides which she went off home without even coming to find me and see if I was alright. So I am obliged to hate her.

fifteen minutes later

I've come the long way home because I need to walk and think. This is the area where Dom lives; in fact, I think this is his street. I wonder if he is still
going out with that girl? I expect he is; everyone else seems to stay together with people. They are not slaves to the horn.

one minute later

Oh my Goddygod, there is Dom with his girlfriend; they are sitting on a doorstep. It must be his house. I don't want to let him see me walking home alone. He'll tell Masimo he saw me sadly wandering about like a cloth-eared loon and that really will be the end of any chance I have for glaciosity and verve. If I walk really slowly backward they might not notice me and then I can get round the corner and…

Dom looked up to see me walking backward.

He called out, “Hey Georgia, what's happening?”

Oh Goddygod.

I waved casually.

“Hi, Dom…just, just, dropped my, er…keys.”

What???

Dom got up and said, “Oh no, bummer, hang on, I'll come and help you look. Oh and Masimo is inside. I'll tell him you're here.”

What???