Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 07 (15 page)

I caught up with the hoppers, who were lying down on the grass behind a bush.

I said, “Oy, what are you doing?”

One of them said, “Nothing. Just having a lie down.” And the other titch said, “Because we are tired from hopping.”

I said, “I can see that. But WHY? Are you a bit halfwitted? And what were you doing with Mark and his mates?”

They were redder than red things at a red convention.

half an hour later

It turns out that they are being tormented by Mark and his mates. They make the little titches hand over their lunch money and any sweet money they have, and if they haven't got any spondulies, the gang make them hop home. And they keep making surprise appearances so that the titches never know when to stop hopping.

What is the matter with Mark and his mates? Haven't they got anything better to do? I thought the day would never come when I would say this, but they are worse than the Bummer twins in their heyday.

in bed

I keep thinking about the stupid little hoppers.

midnight

What if it was Bibsy being made to hop?

12:30 a.m.

Yeah, as if. I'd like to see the boy who could make her do anything.

12:40 a.m.

But the titches are such weedy blubbers.

12:45 a.m.

Oh blimey. I'm going to have to save them.

thursday july 14th

At break I found the titches and said, “Your hopping days are over.”

in the park
4:30 p.m.

Mark Big Gob and The Blunderboys were louting about, waiting for their hopping victims.

The little titches hid behind a bush whilst I went up to see the lardarses.

5:00 p.m.

After they had stopped leering at my nungas, I said to Oscar, “OK, perv boy, I'm going to tell your mum you smoke, and then you'll be a dead perv boy.” The other Blunderboys started sniggering and I said to them, “If you don't back off, I'm going to spread the word at school that you've all got infectious warts. No girl will ever snog you again, that is a fact.”

5:30 p.m.

The titches followed me all the way to my gate. They were saying, “Thanks, Georgia, would you like some midget gems, Georgia? What's your favorite color? Which band do you like best, Georgia?”

Good grief.

I don't want any tiny hopping pals.

7:00 p.m.

Still don't know whether to go to the gig or not.

I feel like I haven't snogged anyone for years.

Do you know why that is? Because I haven't snogged anyone for years.

The last time was when I saw Dave and that was snoggus interrruptus at Katie's. Two weeks ago.

Who do I think is the best snogger between Masimo and Dave?

Well, Masimo obviously, as he is the Luuurve God. And he did that neck nuzzling thing that was mega groovy and even thinking about it making my legs go jelloid.

Not to mention my brain.

7:40 p.m.

On the other hand, Dave is the king of the nip libbling.

I wonder if boys mark girls out of ten for snogging like we do?

I must ask Dave.

No, I'd better not. He has a way of knowing what I am thinking about and he would know that I was thinking about him.

friday july 15th
10:00 a.m.

When I walked past Slim's headquarters today I noticed the school photo had been put up. I stopped to look at it because I wanted to know if
you could see the beauty spots the ace gang had all penciled in on our top lips, especially for the photo.

one minute later

Ahaha. Yep…you had to look really closely, but there they were. The Revolution starts here!!! Since the piggy nose scenario last year, when our clearly hilarious joke of making little noses out of egg carton bits had resulted in mass bad conduct marks and
odure
, we had aimed for subtletosity. And the photo was up and no one had noticed!

one minute later

God, what a bunch of losers the sixth form are. Look at the state of ADM's sad cardigan. And she is next to Miss Slimebum Octopushead, Wet Lindsay. And that is when I noticed…Wet Lindsay had a small Hitler mustache penciled in on her upper lip!!! This was the hand of God at his most amusing.

I was so so excited and happy.

It was a sign, a cosmic sign!

lunchtime

I told the ace gang about the photo and we did a triumphant Viking disco dance. Rosie said, “Let's go and have a look.”

And I said, “No, we must display casualosity. If we all troop up and look at the photo, someone will see us and then they will look and the finger of shame will point our way. Even though sadly, we are not guilty.”

Ellen said, “I wonder who did do it?”

Jools said, “Who really dislikes her?”

And I said, “No Jools, the question is, who DOESN'T dislike her?”

walking home

The whole ace gang has verified that in fact Wet Lindsay now is officially a member of the Hitler Youth.

I said, “If Miss Stamp sees her mustache, it will be love at first sight.”

5:00 p.m.

As I went round the corner from the bottom road into my street, I caught sight of two little heads
bobbing along behind me. It was the hopping titches. Oh good grief, now I was even a mate of first formers. Still. I stopped and they caught up with me. Ginger titch said, “Did you think Wet Lindsay's mustache was funny?”

I looked at them and they looked all proud of themselves.

I said, “Yeah, it was brillopads, but how do you know about it?”

They giggled and said, “We did it for you, miss.”

Hells bells. They love me and think I have saved them. I have turned into a combination of Superman and Jesus. Not that Jesus would wear tights.

saturday july 16th
11:00 a.m.

Jas on the phone in a pants frenzy. “Gee. Ooooooohhhhh.”

“What? What?”

“Oh this is so exciting!!!”

“Have you discovered a new kind of slug?”

“No.”

“New panties that go right up to your neck?”

“No…oooh I wish I could tell you.”

“Let me get this right, Jas, you have rung me up to tell me something that you can't tell me, is that it?”

“Yeah!!!”

“Good-bye, then. Thanks.”

I put the phone down.

thirty seconds later

Jas on the phone. “I'll tell you a bit, then.”

I waited. Oh the tensionosity. Not. It will be something so boring about Jas's life. If she tells me that she and Hunky are going to have a double wedding with Rosie and Sven, I may lose what little mind I have got left. She is bound to want to have a woodland wedding, we'll all have to dress as elves and huddle on twigs and…

Jas was rambling on: “Tom says if you come to the gig tonight, you're in for a big surprise.”

I said, “Why has it been canceled?”

“Noooo…oooh I wish I could tell you, but I promised, oh it is so…oh well, anyway, you're still going to come now, right? Please come.”

“Say, please will you come I love you, you are my besty.”

There was a pause. I said, “Don't you want me to come?”

She said, “Er…well. Please will you come I love you, you are my besty.”

I said, “I will think about it. Good-bye.”

Yessssssssss!!! I win hahahahah. Jazzy Spazzy had to say she luuurved me. Teehee.

I'm definitely not going now.

3:00 p.m.

I've decided again to go to the gig. Partly to get out of the house because Grandvati is coming round tonight. And I am a bit interested in what Tom has to say. I mean, if it was just Jas that was saying I should go, I would be a bit suspicious because her idea of exciting and “good” are different to mine. But Tom is, on the whole, not entirely mad for a boy.

4:00 p.m.

I wonder what it could be? I wonder if he has spoken to Masimo? He did say that he would try to find out stuff for me. Maybe Masimo has told him that the “mates” thing was a mistake.

5:00 p.m.

What on earth shall I wear?

6:30 p.m.

Grandvati turned up in his “leisure” wear. Is it normal for octogenarians to wear tartan zoot suits? With matching cap? And rouge?

I went downstairs to say hello, even though I am vair vair busy trying to find something to wear for the gig. He was in the front room giving Libby the bumps. I waved to him and he waved back and smiled. He hasn't got his teeth in. I said to Mum, “Mum, my venerated grandfather is wearing makeup.”

She just turned her eyes skyward and said, “Don't start me off. They say women go through a funny patch as they get older, but they're practically saints compared to men. He says he's taking up waterskiing.”

I said, “Will he be wearing a wet suit?”

She said, “I'm afraid so.”

Good grief.

After Grandvati had given me the usual ten pence to “get something nice for yourself,” like what? Half a stamp? I went back to my boudoir.

There must be something perfect for me to wear that will have Masimo desperate not to be my mate.

7:00 p.m.

Ready at last. I finally decided on my pleated kilt, boots, and crossover top. I went downstairs hoping to nip out of the door without a Nazi interrogation from Vati, but sadly he was just emerging from collecting extra pie rations from the kitchen. He looked me up and down. “Er, I think you will find that you have forgotten to put a skirt on, Georgia.”

Oh vair vair
amusant
.

Mum came out of the kitchen with a struggling Gordy and chucked him outside and banged the door. He was howling and then started hurling himself against the door.

Mum went into the front room and said, “Libby, you must not put him in the fridge anymore.”

“He laaaikes it.”

“I know he likes it. He was lying in the butter. It's disgusting.”

Vati was still raving on about my skirt. “Have you seen this, Connie? Look at the state she thinks
she is going out in. You can practically see what she had for her tea.”

What is he talking about? And also that's a laugh, what I had for tea. I didn't have anything for “tea.” We don't have stuff for tea.

Mum said, “Oh for goodness' sake, Bob, it's fashion. They all look stupid, it's not just her.”

Oh very supportive coming from someone who is wearing a top so tight that her nungas are practically extra arms. But I didn't say that because I saw a window of opportunity for an escape whilst they argued the toss about fashion and so on.

Vati was still going on: “Oh so it's alright that she looks like a prostitute because it's fashion? I suppose if leather bikinis were fashion you wouldn't mind your teenage daughter going out in one.”

Mum said, “You're being stupid, Bob. Leather bikinis will never be the fashion.”

Grandad said, “Leather bikinis not fashionable? You tell Maisie and the rest of the lasses at the Housing Association that!”

I can't begin to let that image into my brain. On the plus side, it did stun Dad so much that I was able to get through the door and escape.

clock tower

I had forgotten for the minute how nervy I am. I am sure I am having a heart attack, my heart is plip plopping and racing. I must get a grip. This is going to be the ultimate glaciosity test.

Jas, Ellen, Mabs, and Jools were all at the clock tower. We did our special Klingon salute. Jas was being very annoying coming up to me and hugging me and going, “Oooohhhhhhhh I am soooooo excited.”

If it is anything to do with any form of livestock, this “exciting” thing that she is so excited about, I will have to simply and quietly put her out of her misery. A glancing blow to the head should do it.

We started walking to the gig. I said, “Where are Ro Ro and Sven?”

Mabs said, “The bride and bridegroom phoned and said they would see us there.”

fifteen minutes later

I feel like every footstep is bringing me closer to my fate. I don't know what I expect, anyway. He has said he wants to be my mate, that is the end of the story. Maybe there will be someone else there that I like. Yeah, whatever.

in the tarts' wardrobe

Ironically for once my hair is not buggering about and there are no lurking lurker incidents. I decided against wearing the boy entrancers. At first I thought I would do a double bluff on Our Lord. I thought I wouldn't wear them because I might end up in a snogging scenario and they might come adrift with tragic consequences. But then I thought I SHOULD wear them because that would imply I didn't think that there would be snogging action and God would think that was sad, and then He would give me a surprise by giving me snogging action. But then I thought that He knows our every thought even when we are on the lavatory so He would know I was doing double bluffsies. So in the end what it comes down to is what sort of mood Our Lord is in. I should tell Call-Me-Arnold to put that in his sermon if he wants to depress people. If God is in a smiting mood He would smite away to His heart's content, and if He was in a peachey mood, it also didn't matter what I was wearing.

In the end, I couldn't get the entrancers on straight and after I had stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara I called it a day, entrancerwise.

Still, I had done a good job on the old layering of the mascara and my lippy was good. It looked all pouty pout and so on. I was just inspecting myself from the side smiling and looking confident when Jas came out of the loo.

“Why are you doing an impression of a goldfish? Are you fishing for compliments? Or are you trying to look NETural…!!!”

And she went cackling off. She really does imagine that she is funny. Also she did that weird hugging thing again and also said, “Wrrrrrrrr.”