Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 07 (16 page)

Why?

8:30 p.m.

The Stiff Dylans are on in a minute. I am on piddly diddly duty about every two minutes.

8:35 p.m.

It's rammed in the club. I couldn't see Dave the Laugh and his mates. Perhaps they weren't coming. No sign of the happy couple. Or Wet Lindsay.

I said to Jas, “Oh dear, no sign of Wet Lindsay. I hope she hasn't fallen down some grating on the way here. That would be tragic. Ish.”

8:40 p.m.

Then Ellen said, “Oh look, there is Dave. He looks cool, doesn't he? He, I think he's like, on his own. Can you see Emma? I can't see Emma, can you? Can you see her?”

Ellen might be on my killing list as well as Jas, at this rate.

two minutes later

Tom arrived. He walked in and saw Jas; he did a thumbsie up to her and she did one back. How sad and uncool is that? They only saw each other about an hour ago. It's pathetico. But quite touching when you are a spinster of the parish. I suppose I should be happy for them. I am, really. But if she hugs me one more time I will definitely deck her.

stiff dylans onstage

My tummy turned over when Masimo walked out on stage. He is just so gorgey. Actually I don't know why I thought he would like me, he is clearly a 10 and as Jas so kindly reminded me, I once got 0 out of 10 for my nose. In fact, my average for features was 6 and a half. 6 and halfs do not go out with 10s—that is the law of the snogging jungle.

half an hour later

The Stiff Dylans rule. They are groove personified.

I know I am wound up on the rack of luuurve and so on but the music was so good everyone has gone mental. The ace gang is giving the world our renowned disco inferno exhibition. Everyone except Rosie and Sven, that is. I wonder where they are?

half an hour later

Still dancing. I am showing
joie de vivre
and
savoir faire
to Masimo.

I am boiling but I don't care. I think a bit of a healthy glow is nice in a girl.

Jas said, “Blimey, you're red. You look like you've plunged your head into a vat of boiling oil.”

Oh good. I dashed off to the tarts' wardrobe for a bit of a dampening down and titivating session.

back in the club
five minutes later

Dave and Rollo and Tom came over and joined us in a sort of semi Viking disco inferno dance (but without the horns). Rosie is in charge of horns. Dave added some moves of his own, although it
was a bit of a surprise when he leapt up into my arms. I managed to take his weight for a minute before he leapt down. He does make me laugh. We even did linksie-up disco dancing. Then he went off and he shouted to me, “Off to the piddly diddly department.”

 

As we were doing our dance routines in front of the stage, I like to think that Masimo was looking at me in an admiring way. Either that or that he was thinking, My new mate has gone mad.

But I refuse to be sad.

Actually Masimo did smile at me quite a lot when he caught my eye. But I am not so stupid that I think it means anything. I said to Jas, “Did you see Masimo looking at me?”

She said, “Forget about him, he is yesterday's news.”

Thanks.

10:45 p.m.

I was dancing backward when someone kicked my ankle really viciously. Buggering bums bugger. And also ouch. I looked round and there was Wet Lindsay and Astonishingly Dim Monica. They must
have slimed in whilst I wasn't looking. They were doing exceptionally crap dancing with their other crap mates from crap city.

I said to Lindsay, “Oy.”

And she came up to me still smiling in a really scary way and said, “Oh dear, you danced into my foot.”

And then she waved at Masimo. Who annoyingly nodded back and smiled.

Jas said, “Boy, does she hate you. You are dead meat. You live in dead meat city.”

Cheers, thanks a lot. Hurrah, another two happy years of Stalag 14 with a sadistic stick insect who hates me. I'll be lucky to come out of school fully limbed.

 

The Stiff Dylans are on a break.

I am in a complete ditherspaz as to how to handle the situation. I can't just be hanging around when Masimo comes offstage looking like goosegog of the century. I know what I'll do: I'll go and talk to Dave the Laugh, that will be cool. Also it will get me away from Jas and Tom, who seem to have lost their marbles. They keep looking at me and going into huddles and laughing like excited
newts. Still no sign of Ro Ro and Sven.

I went over to the bar where I had last seen Dave. There he was, leaning against it, talking to his mates. Perfect. I was just about to go up to him when Emma appeared. Dave had his back to me, so he couldn't see me, and Emma came up to him and kissed him on the cheek. And then in front of everyone he put his arms round her and gave her a proper snog. No mistaking it. Not just a cheeksie, but proper lip-on-lip action. I felt really sick to my stomach. When he eventually stopped kissing her, he put his arm around her waist and bought her a drink. It was like they were proper boyfriend and girlfriend. I was so shocked.

I turned to go to the tarts' wardrobe and as I did Masimo came out of the dressing room. He saw me and smiled and started to walk over to me. Oh God, what should I do? What would a mate do? Smack him on the shoulder when he came over and do the Klingon salute? I don't know, I don't know.

I've never done mates with boys before.

There was only one thing for it. I looked at my watch and then looked surprised, slapped my head in the manner of someone who has forgotten an
appointment, and then quickly walked to the tarts' wardrobe.

in the tarts' wardrobe

Shall I tell you why I looked surprised when I looked at my watch? I haven't got a watch, that's why.

one minute later

Also what sort of person has an appointment in the tarts' wardrobe? An idiot, that is what kind of person.

A sad prat.

Me.

one minute later

I sat down on a loo with my head in my hands. What could be worse than this?

Jas and Mabs and Ellen came to find me in the loos. I told them what had happened.

Jas said, “Oh well, maybe something really NICE will happen.”

I said, “Yeah and maybe Hitler was really lovable, just misunderstood.”

Mabs said, “Er, I think there is something else you should know.”

Oh yeah, like what? I've been going round all night with my dress stuck in my knickers?

I said, “Go on then, what else could be worse than what is already happening? Oh I know, Wet Lindsay is with Masimo.”

At that point, Lindsay stormed into the tarts' wardrobe with Monica trailing behind her.

Lindsay was all red faced and flustered and looked like she was going to cry. So there is a silver lining to every cloud.

Not.

She was saying to Monners, “How could he? Just turn up with some Italian bint? How could he?”

They went down the other end of the loos when they saw us.

I looked at Mabs. She said, “Ah well, yes, the other thing you should know.”

in the club

I had to see the full fiasco with my own peepers. Masimo was sitting at a table by the side of the stage and leaning in very close to one of the most lovely girls I have ever seen. I don't say that because I want to, but she was—she was just
lovely. She might even be a 10 and a half.

Word must have spread on the Radio Jas airwaves because Ellen came scuttling over and Jools and all of the gang. I must not cry.

Ellen said, “I just, you know, like, casually walked by and they are speaking in Pizza-a-gogo language.”

I was just frozen to the spot and couldn't help looking at them. Masimo put his hand up to the Italian girls face and pushed back her hair.

I must go home.

I glanced across the room because I felt like everyone must know what a fool I was. I could see Dave the Laugh sitting at the bar with Emma. She was talking to Rollo and Dave had his arm round her. I don't know why but he suddenly looked round and straight at me. Then he looked at where Masimo was sitting with the Italian girl. He said something to Emma and kissed her cheek. Oh good, more and more agony.

I must get out of here.

I said to Jas, “I'm going to go home now, Jas. I can't stand this.”

She said, “No, no, please don't go. Er…maybe something good will sort of happen.”

I looked at her, “Like what, Jas? The sprinkler system might go off?”

As I said that, I saw Wet Lindsay grabbing her coat and storming off into the night. She stropped past Masimo's table but he didn't even notice, he was still talking earnestly to his girlfriend. What a top night out this was turning out to be.

I said to the gang, “Well, I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. I think it was when I had to be rushed to hospital with scarlet fever. I'm going to have to go.”

As I went off for my coat, Dave the Laugh appeared. “Oh dear kittykat, what am I going to do with you?”

I just looked at him, and my eyes filled with tears.

He put his arm around me and I so wanted to just have him look after me.

But he had Emma, so I pulled myself together (ish). I must gird my loins with a firm hand. Remember my proud nautical heritage and the Bird of Avon's example. As Sir Billy Shakespeare said in times of stress, “She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.” I stepped back from Dave and then I heard a voice behind me say,
“HOOOORRRN! Oh
jah
, HOOOORRRRRRN!!!”

tarts' wardrobe

I was sitting on the loo AGAIN with my head in my hands (I practically live in here) when Rosie's horns appeared under the door. Ro Ro said, “Why did you just run off like that?”

I replied, “Well, you're used to Sven.”

Ro Ro said, “Good point, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, I was startled by his furry shorts.”

back in the club

Dave and his mates were gathered around Sven, admiring his shorts. The shorts were made out of bits of theatrical fur and a pair of old Y-fronts. Sven had completed his outfit with the bison horns and furry Doc Martens. And, uh…that was it!

Rosie was wearing a leather skirt and a sort of metallic-looking nunga-nunga holder made out of pan lids.

I said to her, “Why have you got one huge eyebrow?”

And she said, “This is a well-known Viking bridal outfit. Get your horns on!”

As Rosie shoved the horns on my head, Masimo appeared in front of me!!!

He looked at the horns and, after a few moments of gazing at them, he said a bit nervously, “
Scusi
, Georgia, may I speak with you?”

Oh great, now I was wearing horns and I was going to have to be mates with Masimo while he told me about his new girlfriend.

Dave looked at me a bit weirdly (who wouldn't?) and then he said, “I'll be around if you need me.” And he went back to the bar.

Oh noooo, I was on my own. I only had my own brain to help me. God help us one and all. Oh noooo, Masimo was so lovely. His eyes were golden and soft and melty. Booo, no melty eyes, no melty eyes.

And then I remembered I was still wearing the horns. I took them off and looked at them as if I'd never seen them before. I said, “Good heavens, how did they get there?” and flung them on the floor.

He said, “Will you come outside with me, for a little chat?”

No. No. No chatting. No mates just chatting. No.

Perhaps he meant him and his girlfriend. Perhaps he wanted me to be mates with her as well. I couldn't see her anywhere, but she might
come popping up any minute wanting to be mates. I am not putting myself through any more humiliation. I am just going to say, “No, I will not go outside with you. Mate.”

But of course I followed him outside like a suckling pig. Oh no, I mean a sacrificial lamb. There was no sign of the Italian bint, probably at home cooking up some pasta for when he got home. The ace gang were all watching me trail after the Luuurve God. Other girls were looking daggers at me; they needn't bother.

Outside, it was a lovely night. Oh good, and all the stars were out hanging about waiting to see the next exciting installment in the Georgia is a prat saga.

Masimo leaned against the wall and looked at me. Please don't look at me like that, it is heartbreaking. Then he said, “Can I to explain things? Gina has come from Italy, she is…er, was my girlfriend, I tell you about. The one I have serious love with, and then we break up, and I…well, I say to you that I want nothing serious.”

Yes, yes, I have been to this particular cakeshop of aggers before. I didn't know what to say, so
I thought I might as well practice my mate skills.

Big breath, relax, casualosity and matiness at all times and, “Did you see the footie scores this arvie?”

He looked at me as if I was bonkers.

I am.

Then he laughed. “The footie scores?”

I nodded in an interested way.

He said, “Georgia, Gina has come to see me to tell me she has a new boyfriend.”

Pardon?

He was still looking at me. “She was very, you know, in her heart breaking after us, so I felt well…hard for her hard for me to have a girlfriend. Now she tell me she is better. So all is good.”

Is it?

What is going on now?

He was still looking at me.

“So, Signorína Georgia, what do you think? Now I am free man for you. If you still want for us to go out.”

I was doing my very interesting and world-renowned impression of a goldfish with learning
disorders when Jas and Tom appeared at the doorway beside themselves with excitement.

What is the matter with them? And why are they bothering me now when I practically have a Luuurve God in my hand.

A car pulled up behind me and I heard the car door open and then slam. I was too paralyzed to do anything, and besides I felt like I was in a slow-motion movie.