Love a Little Sideways (20 page)

“That’s how it feels right now.”

He shook his head, staring off at a space over her shoulder. “I knew getting involved with you was a mistake right from the beginning.”

That hurt more than she could ever have imagined, even though she understood what he meant. She’d known it, too. She wasn’t ready to be involved with a man who wanted to be on the fast track to a wife and family, but she couldn’t resist him and she’d done it anyway.

And now they’d both pay.

“You should go,” she said quietly.

“Liz, I—”

“You should go now before anything else gets said that can’t be taken back. We’re going to have to be around each other for a long time, so the less ugly this gets, the sooner we can maybe be friends again.”

“I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your husband.”

She hadn’t thought she could feel any worse than when he’d said she was a mistake. “No, Drew. You want to be the father of my children first and everything else after. I may not know what I want in life, but I know I don’t want that.”

He stared at her for what seemed like forever, sadness so heavy on his face. She knew he cared about her. He might even love her. But she also knew he was going to turn and walk out her door because she wasn’t what he needed.

Knowing it was coming didn’t make it hurt any less when he did.

* * *

Drew spent the night sitting on his couch, staring at the empty fireplace and wondering how his life had gone totally to shit in such a short time.

It was his own damn fault. Once he’d brought up their living together and she’d pulled away, he felt compelled to clarify their relationship. Where they were and where they were going. But he’d screwed it up so badly, it would never be fixed.

When his alarm went off, he got up off the couch, showered and got dressed for work. He thought about calling in sick, but the idea of sitting alone in his house all day made his skin crawl. Then he went to work.

“You okay, Chief?” Bob Durgin asked when he walked by the officer’s desk.

Drew didn’t stop walking. “Yeah. Just Monday blues, I guess.”

He forced himself to offer Barbara a smile and a wave so she wouldn’t follow him into his office to cluck over him. Being fussed over would just make him feel worse because he didn’t deserve sympathy. He’d been a jerk and then, instead of trying to figure out the right thing to say to de-escalate the conversation, he’d walked out on her.

He put his bad mood to work, plowing through paperwork, making calls and getting results. Anything to keep his mind busy so he would stop replaying the nightmare of last night over and over in his mind. Everything he shouldn’t have said. And everything he should have.

Working for three solid hours, he almost managed to push losing Liz into the dark recesses of his mind a few times. But the look in her eyes when she’d realized it was over haunted him.

“Hey, Chief?” Barbara stepped into his office just before her lunch break started. “Josh Kowalski was just here. Asked me to give you these and said they appreciated it a lot, but it’s in your driveway and his sister’s all set now.”

He knew what was in her hand before she tossed the keys to the Mustang on his desk. “Thanks, Barbara.”

“You okay? You look a little off.”

A little off was an understatement. More like upside down, inside out and sideways. “Just tired. And I hate paperwork.”

“You always hate paperwork, but you don’t always look this bad. The last time was when your wife...oh. Do you want a cupcake?”

“No, thanks.” Sugar wasn’t going to help him now. “But I don’t feel so hot. After your lunch break, I might go home and I might not come in tomorrow.”

“No problem. I’ll be quick.”

She ended up grabbing takeout, which she brought back to the office. Free to leave, Drew closed up his office and headed for the SUV. He wasn’t sure if word of their breakup would have gotten around yet, but he still walked at a fast pace with his head down to avoid conversation. And once he was in his vehicle, he pointed it toward home.

His heart broke all over again when he saw the Mustang sitting in the driveway, just as Josh told Barbara it would be. He unlocked the door and lowered himself into the driver’s seat. Though the car had been his for twenty years, it would forever be tied to Liz in his mind now.

It smelled like her, and when he ran his hand over the dash, all he could think about was how amazing she looked driving it. The car had suited her and seeing her drive it had suited him.

But it was over. She’d booted him and now she’d booted his car. Drew bent his head, resting his forehead on the steering wheel, and stayed there for a while.

Chapter Twenty

Liz did what she’d always done to cope with heartbreak. She went to Rosie. There had been countless bouts of tears and high drama in her teenage years that the woman had soothed away, but she didn’t know if even Rose’s magic could work on this pain. None of that drama had begun to compare to really and truly having her heart broken.

She parked the truck she’d borrowed to replace Drew’s Mustang in its usual spot next to the barn and walked to the back door, which opened into the kitchen. That’s where she expected to find Rose and she wasn’t wrong.

The older woman set down the pan she was washing back into the soapy water and dried her hands before opening her arms for a hug. Liz walked into her embrace and instantly felt a little better. Not a lot, but it was better than sitting in her house alone, feeling sorry for herself.

“I thought maybe I’d see you today,” Rose said, “and I made two dozen mini pumpkin muffins for you, honey.”

“I hope you don’t have plans for them because I might eat them all.”

Rose let go of Liz and nudged her toward the table to sit down. “If you eat them all, I’ll hold your hair while you throw up and then I’ll make you some more.”

“You’re the best, Rosie.”

“I think we’ll try talking things out before we try the gorge-on-pumpkin-muffins-until-you-vomit route, though.”

A couple of minutes later, a plate appeared in front of her bearing warm pumpkin muffins cut in half and slathered in butter. Then a glass of milk.

“There’s no talking it out,” Liz said after she’d demolished three of the mini muffins. “We want different things and we suck at figuring out how to talk about that, I guess.”

“There’s a start. You want different things. What does Drew want?”

Liz rolled her eyes. “Everybody knows what Drew wants. He wants children. That’s what he wants more than anything.”

“And what do you want?”

“I don’t know.” That was the worst part. She just wasn’t sure, no matter how much sleep she lost thinking about it. “I was thinking about getting a degree if something interests me. Or at least taking some classes.”

“You can’t do those things with Drew while having a family?”

“So many women want to do things but, once they have kids, they never do.”

Rose pushed another muffin at her. “That’s true. And very many women have kids and still do the things they want to do. But here’s maybe the most important question. Do you even
want
to be a mother?”

“Yes.” She didn’t even have to think about it. “I really do. But I have to figure out what I want to do with my life first.”

Rose frowned and slapped her hand on the table. “Child, exactly what is it you think you’re supposed to be doing?”

“I don’t know!” Liz heard herself getting louder and tried to moderate her tone. “
Something.
I changed my whole life, Rosie. I’m starting all over and what’s the point of leaving everything behind if I don’t
do
something going forward?” She could feel herself unraveling on the inside.

“You finally left Darren after all those years because you were unhappy. You gave up almost everything you owned and drove all the way across the country alone to come home because you were unhappy. It seems to me the point of all that was to be
happy.
”

“Well, I screwed that up in royal fashion, didn’t I?” Liz popped the entire half of a muffin in her mouth, and then had to drink some milk to swallow it.

“Are you happy living in Whitford?”

“I love it here. I love being near you guys and friends from when I was younger. I don’t have any regrets about moving back.”

“How do you feel about working at the diner?”

“I love it. Really. The customers are great and I adore Gavin and Tori. Even Ava and Carl a little, though I don’t know them as well.”

“So you love your home and you love your job. How do you feel about Drew?”

Liz breathed in through her nose, then slowly blew the breath out through her mouth. “I love him.”

It felt good to admit it, even if it was too late. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it had happened, but she’d fallen in love with him along the way and she’d been too stubborn to admit it.

“So what are you chasing that’s more important than all that love?”

“It’s so hard, Rosie. Look at the rest of the family. They own businesses and they’re successful and I feel like...less somehow.”

She felt stupid saying it, but Rose covered her hand and squeezed her fingers. “Call Mitch and ask him what the most important thing in the world to him is. Ask him what makes him happy. Call Ryan. Call any of your brothers and ask them what makes them happy.”

“I don’t need to ask them,” Liz said. “I know what they’ll say.”

“You know I’m not into sports as anything other than a reason to sit and knit in front of the television, but even I know what a hat trick is.”

“Three scoring shots in one game,” Liz murmured. “Love my town, love my job and love my man.”

“Not bad for starting over.”

“He walked out, Rose. It was pretty horrible, and what am I supposed to say? Yeah, I was stupid and stubborn and didn’t know what I wanted.”

“That’s pretty much what you say, honey. Love’s messy and people are messy and sometimes stupid and stubborn happen.”

“Is it just me,” Liz asked, “or do they seem to happen to Kowalskis a lot?”

Rose sighed and took a pumpkin muffin for herself. “Oh, honey, you have no idea.”

* * *

Drew didn’t have any more to give. Unable to sleep again, he hadn’t bothered going to work. And he’d burned through the energy he had left by going through every flower bed and pulling weeds and clipping off dead blossoms. He raked mulch and fixed paving stones that had shifted. He mowed, then he got the weed trimmer and did the edges of the lawn. His yard looked amazing and he’d almost exhausted himself to the point of numbness.

Almost. He’d yet to find a way to achieve a total lack of feeling. Alcohol was tempting, but he was afraid if he started, he wouldn’t stop. He’d tied one on the night Mallory packed up her belongings, but he’d had Mitch to go to. Mitch had not only kept him from doing something stupid while he was in his alcohol fog, but he’d made sure Drew limited it to one night.

Instead he took a shower, washing away the sweat and grime of a day outside. Then he poured himself a glass of water and went into the living room to stare at the television for a while. He didn’t know what he was watching, and he didn’t care.

When there was a knock on the door, he ignored it just like he’d been ignoring his cell phone. There was a good chance it was Barbara, his dad or Rose, trying to do a wellness check or offer him company. He didn’t want company.

But after a second knock, the door opened and Mitch walked in. “You’re not answering your phone and you look like hell.”

“Hey, come on in. So nice to see you.”

“Shut up.” Mitch walked right past him, into the kitchen. A few seconds later he came back with two beers. He set one on the coffee table in front of Drew, then sat in the recliner with his. “Okay. Now talk.”

“About what?”

Mitch pointed at him. “Don’t be an asshole. I was in Philly, but Paige called and said you’re having woman problems. I’m your best friend, so I’m here. Talk.”

For a few moments, Drew wasn’t sure he’d be able to. The fact Mitch thought Drew needed him and had come without question choked him up and he had to blink a couple of times and clear his throat.

“This is weird,” he finally said. There was that word again, but it always seemed to fit.

“You’re telling me.” Mitch popped the cap off his beer and took a long swallow. “But friends listen to friends whine about their women problems, even if the woman happens to be my sister.”

“I appreciate it.” And he really did. It probably wasn’t easy for Mitch to make the effort. Or the travel and work arrangements.

“Unless it’s a sex thing. I don’t want to hear about sex things.”

“We definitely don’t have any problems with sex.”

Mitch grimaced and took another swallow of beer. “Not sure I wanted to know that, either. Why don’t you stick to telling me why you want to be with her and she wants to be with you, but you’re not with each other.”

Drew wasn’t sure he could explain how he felt. “I never planned to be with her, but it went sideways on me. Like when you’re racing down an unfamiliar trail and all of a sudden there’s a corner and you’re sideways, getting passed by your ass end.”

“You know what helps with that? Slowing the hell down.”

“Funny how you always figure that out when your wheels are coming up and you’re about to roll up in a ball.”

“Just means you were going too fast in the first place.”

Mitch wasn’t very good at the whole shoulder-to-cry-on thing. “It hasn’t been fast, though. I mean, yeah, us hooking up at your wedding was a total broadside. Never saw that coming. But since then, it’s been a slow burn.”

“Drew. I’m here for you, really. But there were meetings and then phone calls and then flying and then driving. This whole careening sideways, broadside, burning thing is starting to go over my head. What the hell is the problem?”

“She thinks I’m just looking for a baby mama and I accused her of not being mature enough to make a commitment because she has inflatable chairs.”

Mitch blinked. Took another sip of his beer, then blinked again. “Are there really inflatable chairs or is that another metaphor thing?”

“She has a collection of those inflatable chairs that float in pools because she didn’t have enough furniture to host movie night. I’m surprised you don’t know about them, since your wife and Hailey bought them for her.”

“Sometimes my wife talks, but I don’t listen. I just nod. But tell no one.”

Drew snorted and opened his beer. “Maybe I should have tried that. Just kept my mouth shut and nodded.”

“Is any of it true? Are you just looking for a mother for your children?”

“You know I want kids. But that’s not why I fell for Liz. I mean, if I just wanted a woman to have babies for me, I probably would have picked somebody a little more...settled.”

“Somebody who doesn’t have inflatable chairs.”

“Exactly.” Drew pointed at Mitch. “This is why I like you.”

“Then again, there are people who might think it would be cool to have a mom who’s fun and doesn’t give a crap what other people think if something makes her happy.”

“Now I like you less. Stop drinking my beer.”

“Get over the chairs. Those don’t mean anything and you’re using them as some kind of inflatable wall between you.”

He was right, Drew thought. “Why am I doing that?”

“Hell if I know. My degree’s in engineering.”

“I love her.”

“That,” Mitch said, tipping his beer bottle at him, “I do know. Did you tell her that?”

“No. I was too busy pushing her away before she could push me away.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

As badly as he’d been hurting, he couldn’t imagine the pain if he went and told her he loved her and she threw him out again. “Maybe I should have another beer or two first.”

Mitch laughed. “Oh, hell no. You’re not talking to her tonight. You’re not in great shape, buddy, and tomorrow’s a brand-new day. Hopefully one you’ll face sober and without the bloodshot eyes and the mangy look that comes from either doing a shitty job shaving or, you know, actual mange.”

Drew laughed, a real laugh that cheered him up and actually made him feel some hope everything would be okay. “I’m glad you came, Mitch.”

“I’m sorry I punched you in the face.”

“I’m sorry I broke your sister’s heart.”

Mitch looked at him, then gave a regretful shake of his head. “I think that breakage was mutual, my friend. But you can ask me or Ryan or Sean or Josh or even our cousins, and we’ll all tell you the same thing. Swallow your pride and be willing to lay your feelings out there with no shame, because it’s worth it. And she’s worth it.”

* * *

Liz was pretty sure she’d never eat another mini pumpkin muffin. Well, for at least a week anyway. But she did feel better after the time she’d spent with Rose yesterday. She’d slept decently last night and, once she was sure she was on solid emotional ground, she was going to reach out to Drew and see if they could talk.

For now, she sat on her futon, drinking her decaf coffee and reading the newspaper’s classified ads. If she didn’t find a good used car soon, she was going to need a second job just to put gas in the truck.

When her doorbell rang, she frowned and set the paper aside. Maybe Rose or Paige had come to check on her. Her sister-in-law had told her to take a few days off to get her feet under her before facing the gossip mines and she hadn’t taken no for an answer.

But, as she walked to the door, she could see the outline of a light bar across a big SUV through the curtains and her heart turned over in her chest. It was Drew, and it was too early to be a casual visit even if they hadn’t just broken up.

She smoothed her hair, which was a wasted effort, then pulled open the door. He looked as tired and wrung out as she felt, and she stepped back. “Come in.”

“I love you.”

She’d expected words. Maybe an apology. More explaining. She hadn’t expected him to stand there with such serious eyes and hand her his heart.

“I love you,” he said again. “I want to have babies. I want to have
your
babies. I want a daughter with your blue eyes and your laugh and I want sons who live to kick my ass in water ball. I want little children of doom running through my house.”

She smiled, feeling how shaky it was because she was trying to hold back the tears.

“But more than that, Liz, I want you to be my wife. Holding you and loving you for the rest of my life is what will fulfill me. You once told me you wanted to turn a man inside out. You do that to me. You turn me inside out and upside down and a little bit sideways.”

“I love you, too,” she told him because it was the truth and it seemed to important to get it out there in case she fell apart before she could say anything else.

“When I said getting involved with you was a mistake, that was a lie. It was a lie I was telling myself and then I told it to you. What was a mistake was not being willing to take a chance on us without some kind of guarantee we would be okay. I was scared to believe in what we have. I was so afraid of putting my faith in love again only to find out it wasn’t real. I still am.”