Love, Always (17 page)

“You’ve got a lot more than her.” He grips my arms tightly, forcing me to look up at him, but all I see is the anger of my own betrayal in his face. My inability to give a fraction of what I’ve taken is the greatest betrayal I could have ever committed. “You just don’t want it.”

I stiffen my spine, resolved to live out the life I’m forging, and grab the hotel phone to ask for assistance with my luggage.

“You’re her dad, Adam,” I tell him softly after I make arrangements with the concierge. “You’ll always be her dad, but she doesn’t belong on the road. She needs something steadier in her life.”

“You need something steadier in your life,” he counters, and I shrug.

Whatever.

“Let us go.”

Adam turns away from me so that he can pick Josie up from her stroller. I watch as he cuddles her close to him.

“I love you, baby girl. Remember, Dada loves you always.”

My heart cracks a little more, exposing my open wounds even further. I know I’m screwing up, but even knowing it doesn’t stop me from moving forward, destroying the happiness Adam and I shared.

He kisses her forehead one last time before he puts her back in her stroller and walks away from me.

“You know what I respect most out of all the bullshit you’ve done?” Hayley asks, and I’m afraid she’ll answer, so I ignore her question as I continue to eat my chocolate ice cream on my living room couch. I’m glad to be home. Only this is Adam’s home, not mine.

“Leave her alone,” Max says in my defense, and I toast him with my spoonful of ice cream.

“I respect you because I’ve never been brave enough to be a liar or a cheat.”

“A liar or a cheat?” I scoff at her and she nods. “You’re so full of shit, Hayley, it’s dripping out of your ears,” I say, pointing my now empty spoon at her.

She rolls her eyes at me and continues undeterred. “You’re lying to all of us, which is fine. It’s your life, and if you wanna live it full of lies, whatever.” She shrugs. “But you’re cheating yourself in the process.”

“You don’t get it.”

“What’s there to get?”

I left the hotel room shortly after Adam and was proud of the tears that didn’t fall. The ride back home was long but uneventful. I received several compliments from fellow passengers on how well-behaved Josie was during the flight. They probably would have been less impressed had they known how well seasoned of a traveler Josie was.

I arrived home only a few hours ago and was looking forward to some solace and ice cream after putting Josie to bed, but Hayley was determined to make sure that didn’t happen. I love my friend, I really do, but sometimes I’d love for her to just keep her mouth shut. I don’t need her telling me things I already know as if I’m some imbecile unable to form these ideas on my own. I know what I’m doing. And I know how stupid I am for doing it.

“Just leave her alone, Hayley.” Max comes to my rescue and leads Hayley to the room they’ve been sharing.

Alone isn’t bad. Alone isn’t lonely. I still have Josie.

Adam

I told Dee the truth about Amber, but she brushed me off with a noncommittal
fine
that stuck in my chest longer than it should have. Granted, I took the pussy way out and explained my lies through email, but she knew the truth now. Or maybe it’d be better if I’d never told her. At least then I’d still have some remaining dignity.

So that’s what I started out doing tonight; looking for my dignity with a bottle of Jack. Only a problematic redhead checked in on me and I allowed her to give me what she’s been offering for months.

Her silky skin is almost translucent with the overhead fan light draping over her. Her red hair lies straight over her shoulders, cascading over her bare breasts. Her breasts are unnaturally big and firm. She’s wild in bed, experienced and willing.

She’s not Dee, and that’s exactly why I’m so open to her. I don’t care if I hurt her. Even better, I don’t care if she tries to hurt me. My heart is locked away and only one person has ever held that particular key.

As months tick by, my feelings for Amber have grown into something unexpected – not quite love, but something comfortable and complacent. With more time, it could grow into more. I like spending time with her. She’s funny and canny. She knows how to talk to my fans and make them feel like they’re part of the package. The constant travel excites her and everyone in the band loves her. Even Ricky, who doesn’t particularly like anyone. Actually, especially Ricky. I should probably keep an eye on him, but honestly, why bother?

I hardly talk to Dee anymore, except to talk about Josie or talk to Josie. I’ll always be connected to Dee because of Josie, but that’s all we’ll share and I’m okay with that. Amber has reminded me that I’m not a recluse. Women want me, want to be with me, and literally throw themselves at me. And I’m sitting here pining over one silly woman? When I can choose a different woman every day?

Amber suits me. She’s reckless and unpredictable. She doesn’t depend on me for anything which is a nice change. And even better, I don’t depend on her.

We’re good together. We can be even better together given the opportunity. We could have a future.

It’s been months since I’ve seen Adam. I’ve gotten so desperate for his smile that I’ve started cyber stalking him. But the pictures on the internet only remind me of one thing: I’ve lost him. Amber is wrapped in his arms possessively in almost every picture. It’s my own doing, and really, at this point it shouldn’t even hurt anymore.

I sit on the couch with Josie, who is busy watching cartoons while I stare at my door and wait for Adam to knock on my door to my new condo right by the beach. Even though Adam spends most of his time on the road, I insisted on getting my own place. Adam and I needed that break from each other, even though we barely see each other anyway. But more than that, I needed to be on my own and learn how to live my life without relying on others. I chose to live by the beach because the beach was my home. Even Josh’s death can’t overshadow the simple joy the sand and surf bring me.

When I finally hear him knock I cross my fingers, hoping it’ll just be Adam on the other side, but then berate myself for my childish behavior. He and Amber are dating, and from the pictures on the Internet they’re fairly attached to one another; of course they’ll be together.

I plaster a fake smile on my face and open the door to find Amber firmly pressed against Adam’s chest with an obvious hunger in her eyes. I don’t roll my eyes at them because I’m trying to be a bigger person. I’m trying, but damnit, it’s hard.

Adam quickly takes Josie out of my hands, and their reunion is full of squeals and laughter that brings tears to my eyes. Josie is Adam’s girl, and she’s missed her daddy more than I realized. I let Amber through the door after a quiet hello and awkward embrace. The awkwardness only grows when Adam moves in to give me a hug. While I don’t wrap my arms around him the way I normally do, I breathe him in, trying to memorize his scent and he looks back at me strangely. Did he notice me smelling him? I smile sheepishly at him and guide them to my living room.

Adam sits on the floor with Josie and puts her on a mat I bought for her to play on. The rest of the world might as well disappear they’re so engrossed in one another. Guilt fills me to my core for keeping them apart.

“I won’t keep Josie away from you again,” I blurt out and fake a cough to hide my discomfort. “I mean, we’ll visit you while you tour. She can stay with you.” I look at Amber to make sure she knows I’m not trying to overstep any boundaries, even though I want to. “I’ll get my own room…” I trail off when I find Adam staring back at me with an intensity that makes my heart beat so hard in my chest I’m surprised it hasn’t broken a hole straight through my ribs.

“Of course!” Amber chirps. “That would be fantastic. We’d love to spend more time with Josie.”

Amber joins Adam on the floor and quickly scrunches up her nose.

“Smells like someone made a stinky.” She smiles back at me and I feel her judging me in the same manner I felt her judge me via Skype.

“I just changed her,” I say, feeling defensive.

“Not too recently.” She angles her head right over Josie’s bottom and shouts, “Pee-yuuu!” loudly, making Josie laugh.

Before I can retaliate, she’s picked Josie up and has started changing her diaper on my dining room table. I clench my teeth, but smile back at Adam who is watching us cautiously. That bitch better be careful.

“Dee,” Adam says quietly, getting my attention, “there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

I nod my head automatically and he gestures to the balcony. I wring my fingers together, knowing I won’t like this conversation or the privacy he’s seeking.

“Right.” I nod when he closes my sliding glass door and I stare out into the ocean, unsure of anything but the consistency of the sea.

I hear him sigh behind me, and I can already feel the tears starting to build up. This is gonna hurt.

“Amber and I are getting married,” he says bluntly, and I take pride in the calm that I show by not whipping my head around and punching him square on the nose.

They’re getting married. Okay. I nod my head, but continue to stare at the ocean while I grasp onto the railing for support. Adam and Amber are getting married. Once the threat of tears has passed, I turn around and hug Adam to me.

“I’m happy for you,” I whisper, and I feel his arms go around my waist. Those strong, steady arms will no longer be mine to grasp onto for support. I guess they never were.

“The wedding is in less than three months.”