Love and History (8 page)

Mulling things over last night had made him vulnerable. He tried to stay on a task. “Dinner is ready.”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry. We should talk first. I thought we were getting along well. It seems we’re compatible in the bedroom. If there’s something you need to tell me about your past, just put it out there. If something happened to you, please tell me.”

What she was worried about clicked in his head. “Nothing happened to me. I didn’t ask about your past because I was abused,” he said.

“Good. I’m glad. So why is there a huge wall whenever I try to treat you like a boyfriend? We can be Dom/sub or friends watching TV and having dinner, but I want everything merged. A relationship.”

He sat across from her and deflected. “You don’t think we’re moving too fast?”

“Oh please, that’s not going to work. We’ve known each other too long. We’ve done too much. I’m not proposing marriage or even moving in together this second, but wanting to be treated like your girlfriend isn’t too much to ask. I told Colleen we were dating, and she barely believed me.”

“You told someone?” He pushed his fear back down.

“Nelson knows what we’re doing. If you’re ashamed of me, it’s over.” She stood up.

“No, it’s not you! I didn’t come into this looking for a relationship.” He couldn’t let her leave. Not when he could make her happy.

“You should’ve told me that from the start. What’s so awful about dating me?” she asked.

“Nelson is the one who brought it up. He made his opinion clear and said if I didn’t jump at the chance, he would.”

She rolled her eyes. “Like I’d date Nelson.”

Scott chuckled, loving her honesty. “I know, he’s not your type. He planned to offer to be your Dom until the right one showed up, to give you what you needed to prove to you there are Doms like us in the world. He’s all over your blog.”

“I know. Still, why say yes if you didn’t want more than a sexual arrangement?”

“I haven’t had a relationship in a long time. I began doubting love years ago and lost my faith in ever finding it. You believe it exists. You have a normal family that’s happy.”

She frowned. “I don’t think anyone is normal. My parents are still married and seem happy. Every relationship has problems and quirks.”

Time to come clean.

He reached out and took her hand. “My parents split when I was eight. Common enough… They’d gotten married young, and both dated a lot after they divorced. They never spoke a word to each other after they broke up.”

“I’m sorry.” She sat on his lap.

Scott inhaled her scent and relaxed. Damn it! She was his relaxation and home. “It’s nothing that doesn’t happen to thousands of kids. I’m an only child so I was alone in all of that. I had their full attention and pressure. College professor wasn’t what they had in mind.”

“Tough on them. You belong here.” She hugged him. “Where are your parents now?”

He held her. “My mom is on her fourth husband after my dad so technically number five. Dad just dates, and they’re so young. Hell, his last girlfriend was younger than you.”

“I promise I’d never trade you for anyone, especially him.” She kissed his forehead.

“Relationships don’t work. All my aunts are divorced. Maybe that’s where I got my Dom side? Being an only child dealing with mom’s boyfriends and dad’s girlfriends and a very adult world. I wanted control and someone who wouldn’t leave me. I was never a kid like other kids.”

“That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be a great boyfriend. We can work. I’m not going to leave you because your parents are crazy or you make a mistake. Maybe that’s why you’re a little scared?” she asked.

“Scared?” His defensives flew up, but her soft form pressed to him and held it back.

“If you didn’t want me here, I wouldn’t be here. You know I want a relationship. You’re a man of detail, and you’ve read my blog. I made it clear I wasn’t looking for a fuck-buddy Dom. You want to work it out. I feel like there’s something more you’re holding back.” Tension seemed to leave him as her delicate fingers rubbed his neck.

“You’re right. This is a lot to share for me. Why don’t we break for dinner and talk about your paper? Have you heard anything yet?” He smiled.

She kissed him, and he knew he was forgiven for holding back that information. It wasn’t all over yet. He wanted to ease her into his imperfections.

The stress in him hurt her. Bridget ran her hands over his shoulders to help until he stood and set her on her feet. “I’ll get dinner. Pasta.”

“Good, I’m starving. Why are you asking about my paper now?” She grabbed a diet soda from his fridge and a couple bottles of water.

“I know it’s early. Have you heard anything?” he asked.

She was sorry about his parents, and it explained why he’d be afraid of something serious. Still, he was tense, and she hadn’t pushed him for anything beyond girlfriend status. Just like a frustrated student who couldn’t crack old languages, she backed off a little.

“Actually, I did hear back. They’re publishing it!” She hadn’t even told Colleen. Somehow, it seemed right for him to know first.

“You’re kidding? That fast? They must want you.” He carried a steaming dish to the table.

Spying the garlic bread cut up on a plate, she brought it along. “I don’t know about that, but they have published my others so it’s a good track record.”

“It’ll look good for tenure!” He handed her the spoon.

She set down the bread and dished out pasta. “It won’t hurt. You never wanted to talk about this before.”

“Not true. I wanted to talk about your tenure. I had to read the book first. Now I can make any sense of your paper.” He spooned out his own helping of pasta.

She paused as she was halfway to her chair. His confession hit her heart. “You read the book? You didn’t need to read it. I’d have given you the gist.”

He smiled. “I’m perfectly capable of reading it and talking about it intelligently. I didn’t want you to know I hadn’t.”

“Scott, you were making an effort. Now, you’ll have to wait to read the article when it’s in print.” Part of her felt bad making him cook on top of the new information, but she dug in and realized his jarred sauce wasn’t so terribly impressive. She’d cook from now on.

“I’m not a jerk.” He shrugged.

“I know. Thank you for making me dinner. How about a little pop quiz. Who was the funeral for?”

“You’re such a teacher. Hero.” He relaxed and ate.

“Correct. Who did Hero marry at the end?” Excitement bubbled in her that he did make that effort, at least to watch the movie. There was hope for them.

“Claudio. Don’t ask me to recite anything. I hate the old language. It’s like a foreign language.”

“You’re not the only one. I hear that plenty. Thank you,” she said.

He set down his fork. “I don’t want to lose you.”

That was a confession of feelings for him, and she heard it her way. “I love you, too. You won’t lose me if you trust me and just tell me the truth. I don’t want a Dom for a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend who I can fight with and share with and who is a Dom in the bedroom. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have to be. Neither of us needs to be anything but who we are.”

He nodded, but she worried she’d freaked him out.

“I know you’re right.” He looked her in the eyes. “I’ve had a relationship with a sub before but…”

“But? Don’t tell me I’ve got competition?” That hadn’t occurred to her, but it made her want to win him all the more.

“No. Definitely not. I was young. I’d just started at a club to learn the right way to dominate. Clubs do have their uses for new people to learn the ropes and especially for Doms to learn from more experienced Masters. I met a young woman, and I thought it was right.” He focused on his food.

Bridget wasn’t sure where this was going but wanted to reassure him. “You’re an amazing Dom. We all make mistakes when we’re learning. That time my skin was broken, I couldn’t hold still. I thought I could keep in position, but I should’ve been restrained.”

“Still the Dom’s fault for not being aware of your movements. I didn’t hurt her. I respected her limits even when she begged for more.”

“Limits can change. New people are always more conservative and nervous.” She’d heard that story tons of times. “Exploring something new is part of the play.”

He shook his head. “What she wanted, I couldn’t do. She’d been abused.”

“Oh. A rape fantasy isn’t that unusual. In a role-playing scene, it works for some people.” There wasn’t much she hadn’t heard her female sub friends confess to asking for.

Scott sat back and took a long drink of water. “She wanted to role play. Daddy stuff. Only it wasn’t exactly fantasy. More like replaying her childhood and going further. It was disturbing to hear her talk about it.”

Her fork fell to the plate. “Yuck. At least, that explains why you asked if I was abused.”

“Exactly, I wanted to help her get beyond it, but she wanted to relive it. It stopped me cold. I talked to a few Masters for advice. I needed to make sure I was right.”

“If you didn’t want to play that way you had to be honest. So you loved her then found out about her Daddy issues and abuse. Things fell apart?” She hated that he’d been hurt and so scarred as a young man, but he belonged with her.

“It was more complicated than that. I tried to find other things that worked. Newbies never want to give up when they find someone to play with. She started acting out to be punished and was never sorry. She’d misbehave, and when I’d ignore her, she’d ask to be beaten. I don’t do that. I walked away. I released her and left the club because I couldn’t stomach what she wanted. Later, I found out that another Dom took over for me.”

“My skin is crawling just thinking about what you went through. So awful.” She took a long drink of her soda to get that nasty taste out of her mouth.

“I agree. The Dom who took her on was dark and fed her needs. It took me a while to even get back to being a Dom. I ended up getting the job here so I had a fresh start. I couldn’t go to clubs though.” He leaned his elbows on the table. “Now that I’ve ruined your appetite, I’m guessing you don’t want dessert?”

“I’m good for now. I don’t blame you for moving. I broke it off with many Doms because of what they wanted. Wanting me to call them ‘Daddy’ was a clear sign we weren’t compatible.” She wiped her mouth. “I’m sorry she hurt you, but we’re not all like that.”

“I know now. You are what I need. Between my parents and that first real relationship, I decided it was easier to enjoy some Dom/sub play without the relationship.”

“And now?” she asked.

He walked around to her and leaned down. “Now, I see that I was waiting for you. And you were right here all along. If I’d gone to one pizza party with that BSDM fetish group and actually spent time online reading your posts, I’d have found you a lot sooner. I’ve only got myself to blame.”

“Good start.” She leaned back and looked up at him.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t clear about my relationship issues. If anyone can handle me as a boyfriend, it’s you.” He kissed her.

“Very nice. So you’re over your Daddy’s girl?” she asked.

He chuckled. “Totally. Now, you know all my crap. There’s nothing else shocking or weird. But there is one thing I need to know about you.”

“Me? You know my stuff.” She shrugged.

“Who choked you?” he asked.

“What? No one. I just don’t like it. The idea terrifies me. People fear drowning or heights. It’s not always a sexual trauma.”

“Why? Did a Dom hold his hand over your mouth? Take you underwater? Something happened? Screaming against a ball gag turns on most subs I’ve seen. You even react to talk about it. That’s not a generic phobia.”

“Are you sure you don’t miss the clubs?” She wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Not a bit. I went there to learn. Once I had the experience, I wanted out of there. She loved everyone watching.” He shuddered. “I’m sorry, but this is what I’m looking for. You. Still you’ve got a choking or drowning phobia. Spill it.”

The memory flooded back, and she started laughing. “It’s so dumb I never even realized it was that big of a deal. You paid really close attention to me.”

“I’m a brilliant Dom. Nothing that’s scary is dumb. Tell me.” He hugged her.

“I was ten. My older brothers were being typical teenagers and seeing who could stuff the most maraschino cherries in their mouth. I loved those cherries so I shoved six in my mouth, and they were teasing me, making me laugh. I inhaled, and one went right down my throat whole. I coughed and coughed. They slapped me on the back and everything. I didn’t even need the Heimlich, but it scared me good. I never stuffed my face again with anything. My grandmother was so proud of my ladylike bites.”

He wasn’t laughing. “I’m going to ask your brothers about that when I meet them.”

The hope fluttered inside her. He’d gone fast from not being the boyfriend to meeting the family. “Okay, they’ll tell you they didn’t put me up to it. I was being the pesky little sister, and it was my own fault.”

He kissed her. “I’ll never gag you.”

“I’ve had the generic cloth gags but they didn’t turn me on. I’m so focused on getting enough air that it doesn’t add to my fun at all. Logically, I know I can breathe, but anything blocking my mouth makes me work harder at breathing than obeying.” She kissed him. “Can we please do some kinky fun to erase that creepy
abusive
daddy
stuff from my mind?”

“In a minute. I know we’ve only been dating a short time.”

“That’s an improvement. Now, we’re dating?” she asked.

He squeezed her tight. “Maybe it felt too right, too easy. You scared the hell out of me. No woman has done that before. Not my high school girlfriend who was overly possessive. Or even that first sub—she made me sad but I was relieved when she moved on. Nothing was ever like this. I knew if I got too attached to you, I’d be in trouble because if I lost you, I’d freak out.”

“You won’t lose me, ever. We can get as attached as we want, but you do have to take me out on dates and come to at least one of the BSDM fetish group pizza nights.” She smiled. “You know, to claim your territory.”

“Nice move. I will definitely make it to a couple of those just to prove I exist and you’re mine. I love you, Bridget. You might run when you meet my parents, but it’s once a year, tops. We’ll have our own life here.”