Love and Respect (12 page)

CHAPTER SIX
SHE WORRIES ABOUT BEING A
HYPOCRITE; HE COMPLAINS,
“I GET NO RESPECT! ”

S
he had been married for thirty-eight years, and it hadn’t been easy. Her husband had served in reconnaissance with the U.S. Marines in Vietnam and had returned with post-traumatic stress disorder. For years following the war he dealt with his memories by being an overachiever, and he became very successful. Although a Christian, he eventually got into an affair and became an alcoholic, ruining his health.

“He is unable to work,” her letter continued. “He is away from the Lord. For years I have been ‘stuck’ on the command for wives to respect their husbands. If the Lord said it, I believe it’s true, but I did not want to be a hypocrite. . . .”

Many wives find themselves in similar situations, and they often tell me that, while they want to be respectful and obedient to the Lord, they don’t want to be hypocritical, going through motions that don’t mean anything. Gently but firmly I respond that I’m not asking wives to be hypocrites by respecting their husbands even if they don’t “feel respectful.” This really isn’t about feelings. It’s about how wives can help control the Crazy Cycle by doing what the Scriptures teach. Peter calls wives to respectful and chaste behavior in order to win husbands who are being disobedient to God’s Word (see 1 Peter 3:1–2). Obviously, wives can go on “winning the battles” by attacking, criticizing, or lecturing husbands who are drinking, straying, or whatever their problems may be, but they will eventually lose the war.

When a man is harsh, uncaring, or unaware, the wife can say he is unloving and needs to change; that he needs to correct himself—and I agree completely. Obviously, the man needs to understand her womanliness and need for love. If her spirit deflates and she becomes grieved, he is called to be a man of honor and serve her needs. But here is the rub: such a man may be called, but he won’t necessarily answer. At this point a wife faces two basic choices. She can try to make personal adjustments and treat her husband respectfully according to what Scripture says, or she can continue with a sour look and a negative, disrespectful attitude. She can continue to contend, “If he feels disrespected, that’s his problem. How can I feel respect for him when he is so unaware of me and my feelings? That would be hypocritical.”

I understand why a wife could feel hypocritical about respecting a man who has been treating her badly. But to continue with disrespect only means shooting herself in both feet. Few wives have real malice in their hearts, but their negative emotions can get the better of them. The deepest yearning of their hearts—for love—is clouded by negativity. Not only do husbands feel they can never fulfill a wife’s expectation of love, but now they feel disrespected for who they are.

The typical man cannot put a voice to this, but he feels responsible to meet his wife’s need for love and somehow try to meet his own need for respect. This kind of man shuts down in the face of it all. It is simply too overwhelming. Does the disrespected husband let his wife know how he feels? No. As a rule, a man doesn’t complain and he doesn’t cry. He simply grits his teeth and compartmentalizes his feelings. He may be dying inside, but he won’t tell his wife for fear she’ll say, “You don’t deserve my respect.” So he grows silent. He withdraws, possibly walks away in anger. She has won another battle but feels even more unloved.

She feels caught. She doesn’t feel any love coming from him, so showing respect for him seems phony. Besides, if she shows respect, she feels he will “get his way.” I asked one woman, “Are you afraid that your respectful manner will lessen your chances of motivating your husband to change?” Here is her response:

We are called to follow Jesus, who “kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously”(1 Peter 2:23).

After pondering that, I have concluded that this is where the rubber hits the road. If I trust my feelings (or previous experiences where contempt has seemed effective), I will be afraid to do it differently. If I step out in faith, claiming God’s Word as the basis for my action, then I am trusting God to bring to pass what He said He would do. I can’t go wrong with that! I’ve determined that is the path I am going to take no matter how unfamiliar it seems.

Amen! This wife “gets it”! Obeying God’s Word does not make a wife a powerless hypocrite. Actually, it makes her a woman who loves and reverences God.

This can happen even in the most difficult situations. The lady whose letter opened this chapter put aside her fears of being a hypocrite and tried to be respectful to her husband. Her letter continues:

I am asking the Lord to show me ways to show [my husband] genuine respect. I have definitely seen a difference in his attitude toward me. I believe that more good things will come as I continue to show him unconditional respect, and after all, the Lord is responsible for the outcome. I have only to be obedient to Him, and He will handle what concerns me.

Exactly. We are not called to change everything or everyone. We are only called to be obedient, and God will handle it from there. I would never claim that this is simple and effortless. It takes tremendous faith, courage, and fortitude. But it can pay off in incredible ways, as one wife who read our Love and Respect materials learned. She writes:

It’s amazing what can happen when a man feels respected. I knew that I needed to show unconditional respect for my husband whether I felt like it or not. I started going through the actions, even though the feelings weren’t there. After a while, the feelings started to follow, especially now! My husband has been serving just as you said. This last weekend we had our neighbors over for dinner [and] my husband offered to cook the dinner. He also washed my car this weekend (he has never done that before) and out of his Christmas bonus, he gave me $500 to spend, no questions asked. He’s also cleaned the kitchen and has done the dishes twice now. I’ve been sending him e-mails at work about once a week just to let him know I’m so thankful that, because of him and his hard work, I can be a stay-at-home mom to our two children. I’ve made sure the house is clean and dinner is done when he gets home from work. I’ve also made sure that I’m not wearing sweats and looking “ratty” when he comes home. I’m more pleasant and excited.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it is a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity, not hypocrisy.

Trust God to handle it.“The eyes of the Lord are on” those who do right, “and his ears are attentive to their prayer”(1 Peter 3:12 NIV).

REFUSE TO PLAY RODNEY DANGERFIELD—DON’T STONEWALL!

To the husband who may sense that his wife thinks being respectful to him is hypocritical, my advice is this: do not give up! And do not go into your well-worn Rodney Dangerfield mantra: “I just don’t get no respect!” Instead, be a man of honor and move toward your wife even if you are receiving what feels like verbal deathblows. Call on that same sense of male honor that makes men willing to take a hit for their buddies in combat. Be willing to take a hit from your wife. You won’t die (although at times death may seem preferable).

You can be the mature one who makes the first move toward your wife, even though she has seriously wronged you. As you engage her, you can take the verbal deathblows to stop the craziness. Yes, it will be hard and even humiliating, but you can win the heart of your wife! Scripture says, “A fool’s anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor” (Proverbs 12:16). Suppose your wife is being horribly disrespectful. There is no question that you have the “right” to be offended. But as a man of wisdom
you choose to conceal the dishonor
. You hear God calling you to take a different approach, and you
can
do it. If you keep saying that you can’t, then you will persuade yourself this is impossible. You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

I USED TO SAY, “I’LL SHOW HER!”

In my own marriage, there was a season when it was important to me to get in tune to why I reacted to Sarah. As this notion of unconditional respect surfaced in my soul, I still felt embarrassed to say directly to her, “I feel disrespected.” That appeared to me to be self-centered and, admittedly, I was uncertain of Sarah’s reply. Would she snap, “Well, you don’t deserve respect”? I don’t recall her ever saying that, but I distinctly recall thinking it would be dangerous to express feelings of being disrespected. It was much easier for me to send my message indirectly in code—by getting angry or going silent. In my anger, I was thinking,
She can’t treat me this way. I’ll show her!

When offended, husbands should “act like men, be strong”(1 Corinthians 16:13).

So I withdrew. Strangely, that never seemed to work. I didn’t realize it at the time, but because I wanted respect I was trying to motivate her to be respectful by being unloving. (Sort of like trying to urge her to be more watchful by poking her in the eye with a sharp stick.)

There came a time, however, when I knew I had to be clearer. I had to grow up and be more mature. But how could I respond to Sarah so she could get my real message? As a man of honor, I needed to introduce some kind of change. The phrase I came up with was: “Honey, that felt disrespectful. Did I just now come across as unloving?” (For more ideas on what to say or not say, see appendix A, p. 305.)

I did not say, “Sarah, you are a disrespectful black widow spider using your venom to devour me!” Personal attacks never, ever work with anybody. The phrase, “That felt disrespectful,” removed the personal attack. I was not saying she was a disrespectful person. I was only describing what I felt. My new approach allowed me to express my feelings without claiming Sarah was wrong and I was right. I could say to Sarah, “I’m not saying I am right for feeling this way, nor am I saying you caused me to feel this way. I am only saying that I feel this way.” I was not necessarily confessing these feelings were sinful, nor was I saying Sarah was an angel.

The line, “Honey, that felt disrespectful,” has many possible applications. Sometimes I needed to grow up and not personalize things Sarah did or said as “disrespect.” On other occasions, Sarah needed to be a little more positive about the man she married.

But the icing on the cake is when I would add, “Did I just come across as unloving?” This gave Sarah the benefit of the doubt, and often she returned the favor. Too many times in the past I had put her on the defensive. Countless times, Sarah had said in defeat, “It’s always me. I’m always to blame. You are always right. You never do wrong.”

“The heart of the wise instructs his mouth, and adds persuasiveness to his lips” (Proverbs 16:23).

My new approach gave Sarah a break. I didn’t say I was always right and could never do wrong. I owned up to my part of the blame, and for her this was a breath of fresh air! Sarah quickly decided she loved hearing me say, “Honey, that felt disrespectful. Did I just now come across as unloving?”

Granted, these two sentences can feel a bit awkward the first time or two you use them. They are forcing you to be transparent and even to lead with your chin in some respects. But if a couple wishes to address the deepest issues when conflicts arise, this gets to it very quickly. If a couple wants to get off the Crazy Cycle, this speeds up the process. It certainly has for us.

True, there is a risk that Sarah might say, “Well, yes, I felt unloved because you are unloving and you don’t deserve respect.” For most couples that never happens. The power of these simple Love and Respect sentences is that both spouses feel affirmed at the level of deepest need. What usually happens is this: Sarah says, “Yes, I felt unloved. I am sorry for coming across so disrespectfully. Will you forgive me?”

I reply, “Yes. Will you forgive me for coming across as unloving?”

She answers, “Of course.” And it’s over. Just that quickly.

IT WORKS—EVEN ON OUR BAD DAYS

Having said that, on any given day Sarah and I can get nasty with each other. We can get stubborn and pout. We can even raise our voices! I can give an evil glare. I can shut down, refusing to talk. Sarah can stomp out of the room. We step on each other’s air hose—sometimes with gusto!

But no matter what happens, we both have a firm commitment that we will get to our Love and Respect sentences before we go to bed. If I’m feeling disrespected, I tell her so and then ask if I’ve been unloving. If she’s feeling unloved, she tells me so and asks if she’s been disrespectful. The biblical teaching is: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). This works, and it works well.

It is always wise for a husband to be “humble in spirit” (1 Peter 3:8).

The struggle is in humbling yourself, authentically making these two brief statements, and then letting them lead to an honest discussion. If you don’t want to see positive change in your marriage, you won’t go there. But for me as a man, talking about feeling disrespected is in keeping with who I am. The Love and Respect message provides me an incentive to “go there.” And when I say to Sarah, “Did I come across as unloving?” she is invigorated to engage me in response. It works.

IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings—we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings—she needs to feel loved! This is a fair and balanced approach that allows the two of you to unpack what really happened. Avoiding the whole thing time and again (or blowing up each time) remedies nothing. A spouse wrote:

We were able to talk about “sticky” situations without the discussion ending in a heated argument. THAT was the phenomenal part! And we both were laying it on the line as far as admitting to one another, “Yes! That is how I’ve felt all these years!” . . . So we’ve begun this new level of learning together. I’m very excited. I already see my marriage improving dramatically. It was like a weight had been lifted from our very countenances when we conversed and came to all the realizations we had!