Love and Respect (27 page)

What your husband wants is your acknowledgment that he is the leader, the one in authority. This is not to grind you under or treat you as inferior. It is only to say that because God has made your husband responsible (review Ephesians 5:25–33), he needs the authority to carry out that responsibility. No smoothly running organization can have two heads. To set up a marriage with two equals at the head is to set it up for failure. That is one of the big reasons that people are divorcing right and left today. In essence, these marriages do not have anyone who is in charge. God knew someone had to be in charge, and that is why Scripture clearly teaches that, in order for things to work, the wife is called upon to defer to her husband.

Wives often tell me that if they submit to their husbands, it means burying their brains and becoming a doormat. If you want to work with your husband to reach mutually satisfying decisions most of the time, follow this principle:

GO ON RECORD WITH YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU SEE HIM AS HAVING 51 PERCENT OF THE RESPONSIBILITY AND, THEREFORE, 51 PERCENT OF THE AUTHORITY.

Tell him that you see him as having more authority because he has more responsibility before God—the responsibility to die for you, if necessary. My prediction is that the nature of your arguments and disagreements will change dramatically. Once you go on record about his authority, he will not feel you are trying to be the boss. As you submit (which simply means recognizing his biblically given authority), you will not be a doormat. In fact, you will get your way far more often than you would if you “stood up for your rights,” which usually means being disrespectful.

Many wives are so focused on their own feelings and fears that they ignore their husband’s feelings and fears. Ironically, when a wife fears she will bury her brains, she creates fear in him that he’ll be called brainless. And fearing she’ll become a doormat, she creates fear in him that he’ll be walked on. Many husbands get stubborn and resist their wives’ requests in order to send a message: “You aren’t in charge of me.”

Our secular, feminist culture likes to argue that men are dominant in the home—and it’s true that some are. More often, however, among goodwilled couples, if there are one hundred decisions over a three-month period related to the family, the wife will have a strong opinion on ninety-nine of them, and her opinion will usually be respected and have strong influence. Unfortunately, in many marriages either spouse may have goodwill but not always have good sense. A man can run roughshod; a wife can come across as too forceful and coercive in the home. She isn’t this way outside the home, but within the family, with him, she gets aggressive.

Another positive strategy for many a wife would be to defer more to her husband. I often hear many wives complain that their husbands are too disconnected and passive on family matters. But why is he passive? Quite likely in the past, every time he tried to step up to the plate, she had a better idea. After a while, he just let her have her way. If this could be your problem, submission, respect, and quietness will engage your husband and draw him out. This does not put you down or undermine your equality; in fact, it will create real equality.

When you go on record that your husband is 51 percent in charge, this actually gives you more of a platform for sharing the opinions from your deepest heart. Remember, if a husband is acting in a dominating way, he is usually trying to maintain control. His foolish reasoning tells him that if he maintains complete control, he will be respected. Ironically, if his wife gives him the respect he is looking for, he will back off and be less controlling! Trust me. God knows what He is revealing. If you haven’t gone on record about his 51 percent, do it now!
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(To check your attitude, see appendix B.)

WHICH MESSAGE DO YOU WANT TO SEND?

Granted, deferring to your husband isn’t always easy, especially if you feel he doesn’t deserve your respect. One woman wrote to tell me that she acted very disrespectfully in order to send a message to her husband that she felt unloved. She thought this would motivate him to love her and appreciate her, but all the while she was unsupportive of his endeavors, belittling his abilities, undermining his decisions, resistant to his counsel, unfriendly, and disinterested in physical intimacy. She said, “I thought if I did all of this, he’d get the message that I was hurting, frustrated, and angry and that he’d move toward me with understanding and love.” But she wept as she realized she had so wounded him that he wouldn’t even have sex with her. It took years for him to reopen emotionally to her.

By comparison, I heard from a woman who granted her husband authority in the nitty-gritty area of bedtime. She wrote:

My husband leaves for work real early. I have never been a real stickler on early bedtimes. He now enforces bedtime curfew with the kids, and I back him fully, so he can get his undisturbed and deserved full night of sleep. . . . I’m now aware that my allowing the kids to stay up late not only undermined and disrespected [my husband] but his work effort was also disrespected because it appeared as if I didn’t care that he was tired after working all day.

I now leave decisions to him to administer, and it makes me smile sometimes because he’ll ask me in private for my opinion. Then we discuss it and I tell him I respect whatever decision he makes. He even told me last week that I “built him up.” . . . Since my respectful attitude, my husband has told me that he loves me more [often] in the last few months than over the last ten years!

Appreciating—and respecting—your husband’s desire to serve you and lead the family takes faith, courage, and strength on your part. But I predict it will work. As one wife told me, “The picture-perfect marriage in my mind is not necessarily the one that God has intended for me. I finally realized that when I submit to His control and stop trying to orchestrate my ideas . . . everything falls into place.”

Grant your husband authority, as Scripture describes it, and things are much more likely to fall into place. If you try to undermine his authority or subtly rebel against it, the Crazy Cycle will spring to life. A woman who teaches other women in her church on the topic of marriage puts it better than I ever could:

I believe that ultimately a refusal to submit to or respect your husband is a refusal to trust in God. If we as women believe that God is working in our lives and in our husbands’ lives, and we can place ourselves under His authority, then we can submit to and respect our husbands.

THE WILL FEEL YOU APPRECIATE HIS AUTHORITY AND LEADERSHIP WHEN . . .

• you tell him you are thankful for his strength and enjoy being able to lean on him at times.

• you support his self-image as a leader.

• you never say, “You’re responsible but we’re still equal, so don’t make a decision I don’t agree with.”

• you praise his good decisions.

• you are gracious if he makes a bad decision.

• you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

• you give your reasons for disagreeing quietly and reasonably, but you never attack his right to lead.

• you do not play “head games” with him to make him back down and be a “loving peacemaker.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN
INSIGHT—APPRECIATE
HIS DESIRE TO ANALYZE
AND COUNSEL

S
he had little or no respect for her husband. Behind his back she constantly put him down, mocking him and making fun of his ideas and opinions. One day while shopping, she thought it would be interesting to stop at his office just to see where—and how—he worked. She called him on her cell phone and he said, “Well, sure. I’m a little busy, but come on up.”

When she got there, he was indeed busy, and she had to wait a few minutes as he dealt with various people. From where she sat, she couldn’t help but see that her husband’s coworkers gave him high respect. So did his boss—and his attractive young secretary. Then an older man came to her husband’s desk, obviously someone who was more experienced with the company but who still worked under him. She didn’t exactly know why, but her stomach churned a little when she heard the older man say to her husband, “Yes, sir.” Then his secretary came by to give him some papers, and she felt shame—and a little fear—as she saw how this classy young woman looked up to her husband and admired him.

Finally, she had a chance to visit her husband, but she quickly cut it short, said good-bye, and told him she would see him that evening. She made it to the car, got in, and burst into tears. She thought of all the times she had put him down and made fun of him behind his back. And then it hit her: she didn’t disrespect him because of his actions toward her or because he was a lousy husband. She realized the real problem was that he wasn’t what she wanted him to be.
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This woman had been missing at least two things about her husband: (1) he had a lot of ability and insight she was ignoring, to her loss, and (2) he wanted the same kind of respect at home that he received at work.

As Job reveals, wives are not always wise:“You speak as one of the foolish women speaks”

(Job 2:10).

This kind of wife is not unique. I have talked to many just like her. She thinks her husband has little to teach her, little wisdom to share about much of anything. After all, she believes she is the one who has to run the house, raise the children, and make the decisions. When this kind of wife attends one of our Love and Respect Conferences or reads some of our materials, it is not unusual for the scales of disrespect to fall from her eyes. Here is one testimony from a wife who finally “got it”:

I have longed for a relational intimacy in my marriage for twenty-three years. Little did I know that my lack of respect was sabotaging that desire. I had serious “arrogance” problems, thinking my ways were right and not acknowledging his ideas as worthy of consideration. . . . I thought I was “helping” my “inept” husband. . . . It was quite amazing once the Lord nailed me. . . . Without me spouting my opinion and giving him room to dare to share his, amazing things began to occur. He began to reveal his heart. We actually have conversations rather than monologues. My love and respect for him skyrocketed. In return, he has begun to blossom into the man I always hoped he would be.

I NO LONGER BELIEVE TOTALLY IN WOMANLY INTUITION

In the words of the woman quoted above, I hear something that counters beliefs I used to hold. One belief was that the vast majority of men were opinionated, one-sided, and inattentive. All I heard from the many wives whom I counseled over the years was: “He is unloving, uncaring, and not a good husband.” But in the words of the woman you’ve just read, you find a different story. She admits that she didn’t think her husband’s y ideas were “worthy of consideration.” She realizes she was arrogant, not giving him a chance to even give an opinion. And once the Lord “nailed her” and she let her husband talk, their marriage blossomed.

“Don’t be wise in your own eyes”

(Proverbs 3:7 NIRV).

The other belief that I no longer hold is in the exclusive and unique power of womanly intuition. For twenty years I preached, “Men, listen to the intuition of your wives. God will speak to them in a way that He doesn’t speak to you because you have blind spots. God will teach you through your wives.” Everything I preached was to get men to honor and love their wives. But I began to realize I was tipping the scales too far. It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It is also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands. As another wife admitted, “He has lived our whole marriage in fear that he wouldn’t say or do something the ‘right’ way. Since my way was the only right way and whatever he did or thought wasn’t good enough, he just shut down.”

IT WAS EVE, NOT ADAM, WHO WAS DECEIVED

The wife who thinks she has to provide the answers and do all the thinking should take a careful look at Scripture. We all know the story of the Garden of Eden. God told Adam he could eat of any tree in the Garden but one. Eat of that tree and “you will surely die” (Genesis 2:17). Later, when Eve was created, Adam told her of God’s command. But when the serpent found Eve alone and tempted her with, in essence, the subtle question, “Did God really say that?” she couldn’t resist. The fruit on that tree looked delightful, and it was guaranteed to make her wise. Totally deceived, Eve ate some of the fruit. Then Adam came up (or perhaps she went and found him). Eve gave Adam some of the fruit, and he ate as well (see Genesis 3:1–6). Was Adam deceived also? Scripture does not say he was deceived, but that he is the one who
disobeyed
—he is the one through whom the whole world fell into sin (see Romans 5:12–19).

Is one automatically chauvinistic for asking a good-willed wife to consider that “it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman”?

(1 Timothy 2:14).

Adam had the insight to realize that he shouldn’t eat the fruit, but he went ahead and did so anyway. Was this the first case of a husband being led by his wife with a ring in his nose? Or did Adam simply not want to let Eve get ahead of him by having knowledge that he would not have? No one can say for sure. Paul sums it up in 1 Timothy 2:14 when he discusses the role of women in the church: “It was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.”

Apparently, Eve concluded that she knew far more about what was best for her and her husband, and she influenced him to follow her lead. Adam “listened to the voice of [his] wife” and was cursed (see Genesis 3:14–19).

A MARRIAGE NEEDS HER INTUITION AND HIS INSIGHT

When Paul talks about Eve being the one who was “deceived” by the serpent’s craftiness (see 1 Timothy 2:14; 2 Corinthians 11:3), he is not spewing chauvinist put-downs of women, as feminists might claim. There is a deep truth here, and we need to reflect on it. Yes, men should listen to their wives, who are naturally intuitive. But wives should not fail to appreciate the insight God has given their husbands and reject their counsel. Instead of listening to Adam’s voice, Eve orchestrated things and got Adam to listen to her, even though he knew better.