Love and Respect (28 page)

How does this apply to marriages today? Are wives taking over and becoming the primary voice in the marriage? Not necessarily, but there is always that danger. What I am calling for is a return to the biblical balance.
Husbands and wives need each other.
For wives who are willing to evaluate just where they are on the scale of showing unconditional respect for their husbands, I have two questions: (1) Could you be thinking too highly of your natural discernment and intuition? (2) Is it possible that you might be deceived on certain fronts, and that you could use your husband’s insight because you don’t see what he sees?

All of us can be deceived, but women need to think about some areas where the serpent is subtly deceiving them even today. One such area involves the criticisms that many wives voice about how their husbands fail to give spiritual leadership to the family. As I have counseled couples over the years, I have listened to many wives share their strong convictions about what their husbands ought to be doing as spiritual leaders. I also receive many letters from women on “his lack of spiritual leadership.” Here are some representative examples:

I want to respect my husband who, while loving me and our children, leaves all the work, planning, teaching, etc., to me without discussing it. He earns money and comes home to play with us. He leads in family devotions but does not discuss spiritual matters with our children individually, or [with] me. I feel I have five children; one just happens to be an adult. How do I respect him when he makes me the leader by default?

I recognize that after six and a half years of marriage, the biggest ache I have with my husband is his lack of spiritual leadership in our relationship and family. I want so desperately to see my husband making time for the Lord and really pursuing Him. I want to see him praying . . . and seeking God’s direction for his life. I want to know that he is fellowshiping with the Lord. I could write more, but I think you get the idea.

If you have such convictions, I cannot say if you are right or wrong, but what I can say is that if you are judging your husband with contempt, you are hurting God’s heart. Your convictions can please God, but your contempt can also grieve Him. The Lord loves you and knows the longing of your heart. Abba Father weeps with you about your convictions. But your heavenly Father is also revealing to you that a contemptuous, critical spirit is not the way to win over your “disobedient” husband to your convictions. He gently urges you to maintain “respectful behavior” (1 Peter 3:1–2) even while your heart hurts over unfulfilled convictions. For the wife who isn’t happy with her husband’s leadership, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Did my husband ever seek to lead in our marriage, but I differed because I felt it was stupid?

• Do I send him a message that I do not intend to follow him if he makes a decision contrary to what I believe is correct?

• Do I send a message that says, “I want you to lead but only when it bolsters and carries out my desires”?

• Do I want my husband to be responsible, but if he is irresponsible in my opinion, am I exercising veto power?

• Do my words and actions communicate, “You are responsible but I have the authority”?

The above questions can be applied to all areas of leadership in the home. Perhaps they all boil down to this: ask yourself if you may possibly have an attitude of self-righteousness—at least to some degree. I’m not saying you are malicious. You love your husband very much, but you see his faults, foibles, and mistakes. You may well believe, as many women do, that you are a better person than he is and that he needs to change.

What I see happening in some marriages is that the wife believes—or appears to believe—that she does not sin. In many other marriages the only sin that a wife will readily admit to is her negative reaction to her husband’s failure to be loving or for losing patience with the children. Beyond these areas, women do not see themselves as sinning, even though they readily admit bad habits and wrong attitudes. They write these off to chemical imbalance, hormonal problems, or dysfunction due to family of origin.

For example, on occasion a husband may venture into that dangerous territory known as “Honey, you’re putting on a few pounds.” In truth, it is far more than a few pounds—his wife has let herself go, and he feels it is time to be honest. What he usually gets in return is, “You should love me no matter how I look.” Or he may be told he knows nothing about her eating disorder and that he should be checking on his own potbelly. If the husband is on the trim side (as many men with very overweight wives often are), she will bring up some other log that he needs to get out of his own eye—that time she caught him viewing Internet pornography or overindulging in alcohol.

The point is, it’s easy for a wife to discount or disparage a husband’s suggestion that she has some problem that needs correcting. Even if he is gentle and diplomatic in suggesting that she needs to make a correction to avoid hurting herself or others, he is quickly silenced. She is offended, wounded, and angered by his assessment. He is accused of being without understanding and compassion. He has no right to speak. And he will often wind up being shown contempt.

When I speak on this topic in a Love and Respect Conference, I often get feedback, not all of it positive. The medical and psychological model is so engrained in the thinking of some Christians that I have received this question more than once in the mail: “Are you saying that women have no family of origin pressures, hormonal struggles, or chemical imbalances?” My response is simple: I cannot assess every situation. But I can quote John, the Apostle of love: “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8).

A stench in God’s nostrils are the words, “I am holier than you!”

(Isaiah 65:5).

In many marriages it is all too easy for a wife to write off a husband’s insight and suggestions because she thinks she doesn’t need them or he has no right to give them. But I believe husband and wife
together
need to examine any situation where something is amiss and try to come to a solution or, if needed, seek godly counsel. Through the years, people have readily confessed to me, for instance, that they took medication to escape an unresolved interpersonal issue. They admitted that they knew there was nothing wrong with their biology. To them it was a classic case of avoidance, and medication made it easy for them. A pastor’s wife recently approached me in tears to admit that this was precisely her problem.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE YOUR HUSBAND’S HOLY SPIRIT?

Another thing I share in conferences is that most husbands see themselves as unrighteous and their wives as righteous. This misperception is inaccurate enough, but then there comes that point in the marriage when the wife also sees her husband as unrighteous. Because she is the one who constantly seems to have to be on top of things, such as correcting the children (and him), she slips into an attitude of self-righteousness without realizing it. It is often subconscious, but a subtle judgmental spirit comes over a woman. Many women have admitted to me, “I’ve got to stop being my husband’s Holy Spirit.” I agree with them because there is no vacancy in the Trinity. However, I never hear men saying, “I’ve got to stop being my wife’s Holy Spirit.”

For a biblical model, let us go to the scene where Jesus visits the home of Martha and Mary. Martha has become overworked and anxious because of all the preparations she’s making for dinner. She says to Jesus, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me” (Luke 10:40). Martha is not asking a question here; she is stating what she believes to be a fact. She is looking into the eyes of Love itself and calling Him unaware and uncaring because He doesn’t seem to be interested in what she thinks is important.

Instead of sharply correcting Martha, Jesus lovingly rebukes her for being worried and upset while she missed what was truly important: fellowship with Him. Much more could be said about this account—I have preached many sermons on it—but the point here is that Martha was wrong. She was seeing the world through her particular brand of pink sunglasses, and she was making wrong assessments. The question is, could you be wrong at times for some of the same reasons? And could your husband be trying to help you instead of simply being critical and uncaring?

The bottom line to appreciating a man’s desire to analyze and counsel is to realize he does have insight and to beware of any self-righteousness that might undermine his insight. Self-righteousness can deceive you more than any other sin. If you see yourself as far better than your husband, especially in the spiritual realm, he will back away from you spiritually and probably in many other ways. As the years pass, your husband will stop giving advice at almost every level. What can he say to a person who is always right and righteous? What can he say to a wife who views him with contempt? He sees himself with all the problems while she has none. So he grows silent, fearing more censure. Aware of his silence, a wife often says, “Why are you always quiet?” And he winds up thinking,
If I say something, I’m in trouble. If I don’t say something, I’m in trouble. But if I don’t say something, I’m in less trouble.
That’s a sad commentary, but that’s what a lot of men are thinking.

During disagreements with your husband, your beauty should consist of “. . . the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight”

(1 Peter 3:4 NIV).

The old story has it that Gretel says in exasperation to her husband, Hans, “You know ve’re fighting and bickering too much, Hans. And I’ve been tinking, I tink ve need to pray to the dear Lord to take vun of us to heaven, the vun causing the problem. So you pray that He takes vun of us, and I’ll pray that He takes vun of us, and then I can move in with my sister.”

That’s an amusing story—particularly if you’re a woman. Guard against the attitude that he is the center of all the problems. Admit that you also have sins, issues, and weaknesses (in areas that he has strengths) and that you don’t have perfect judgment in every case. You’ll be amazed at how this energizes his soul. As you move toward him, giving him what God has designed him to need—respect—he will feel fondness in his heart for you. As one wife reflected:

I have stopped offering my opinion unless he asks for it, and his confidence has blossomed. What a load off for me! I don’t have to “think” for both of us! Things that I used to consider irritating (because he wasn’t thinking like me) are now a joy and delight because God has opened my eyes to His creative genius in making my husband the way he is. Awesome.

YOUR HUSBAND WILL FEEL YOU APPRECIATE HIS INSIGHT AND COUNSEL WHEN . . .

• you tell him upfront you just need his ear; don’t complain to him later that he always tries to “fix” you.

• you thank him for his advice without acting insulted or like he doesn’t care about your feelings.

• you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

• you realize your vulnerabilities, especially among males, and value his protection.

• you counsel him respectfully when you differ with his ideas (you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice).

• you sometimes let him “fix things” and applaud his solutions.

• you let him know that you believe God has made us male and female for a purpose and that we need each other.

• you admit that you can sin and thank him for his perception and godly counsel.

CHAPTER TWENTY
RELATIONSHIP—APPRECIATE
HIS DESIRE FOR SHOULDER-
TO-SHOULDER FRIENDSHIP

T
hey had been married for just seven years when they came to me for help because they kept getting into what they called “huge fights.”

“How do the fights start?” I asked.

She explained that she would be in the kitchen cleaning or perhaps ironing, and he would call her from the room where he was reading the paper or watching TV: “Honey, why don’t you come in here and be with me?”

Thinking this was an opportunity to relate, she would go to her husband and start talking to him.

“No, no,” he would tell her. “Don’t talk. I just want you in here with me.”

Confused, she would say, “But you called me in here. You must want to talk to me.”

“No, I just want you in here. I don’t want you to talk.”

“But you must have something you want to talk about,” she would insist. “You called me in here.”

At this point, things went downhill fast, and in no time they were in a huge verbal battle. This scenario was happening over and over, and they wanted to know how I could fix it.

Commenting that I don’t “fix” marriages but I try to explain what’s going on in them, I told the wife (as the husband listened attentively) that he was energized merely by her presence. Then I commented, “If he is reading the paper, watching TV, or even working outside on some chores in the yard, if you will just sit there next to him or pull up a chair and watch while he works, you will see the most amazing energy flow into him.”

A woman must consider how to be a companion to a male; after all, God said, “I will make a helper who is just right for him” (Genesis 2:18 NIRV).

I noted the puzzled look on the wife’s face. I continued, “This is how men communicate, by sharing experiences. Women share experiences by talking about them to each other, examining and infusing the experiences with their impressions and emotions. Men are different. They share their experiences by sharing an activity. This is what your husband wants to do with you.”

As our session ended that day, I told the couple that I was giving a Love and Respect Conference in one of the churches in town and suggested they attend to get the full picture of how the Love and Respect Connection really works. They did so, and when they came to see me again later, the wife had totally “gotten it” about why her husband wanted her to be with him. “You were right,” she said. “It almost drove me crazy at first not to talk, but for some strange reason it works. He really wants me to just sit there with him.”