Love and Respect (25 page)

Your first job is to be sure that you support his efforts for conquest—to get out there to work and achieve. Never let him feel unappreciated and that he’s just a meal ticket. Always be aware that, because of your pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids, the messages you send can misrepresent you. His blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids can decode you all wrong, and he mistakenly feels that you see him as just your bread and butter. That is why it is so important that you thank him and let him know you admire and support him. If you say those words, it will do a lot to help his blue hearing aids pick up the right message, and your support of his work efforts will motivate his love for you. One wife’s brief note says it all:

One day I put a note in his lunchbox, thanking him for some things. He told me thanks that night, and on Valentine’s Day I wrote another note about his dedication to his job and family and how I appreciated that. I could tell by the look in his eyes it meant a lot.

YOUR HUSBAND WILL FEEL YOU APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE TO WORK AND ACHIEVE WHEN . . .

• you tell him verbally or in writing that you value his work efforts.

• you express your faith in him related to his chosen field.

• you listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to your accounts of what happens in the family.

• you see yourself as his helpmate and counterpart and talk with him about this whenever possible.

• you allow him to dream as you did when you were courting.

• you don’t dishonor or subtly criticize his work “in the field” to get him to show more love “in the family.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
HIERARCHY—APPRECIATE
HIS DESIRE TO PROTECT
AND PROVIDE

A
n old saying observe, “fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”Ever since I have been sharing the Love and Respect Connection around the country, I have been willing to be fool enough to use terms that are just not politically correct. One of these words is
hierarchy
. In some groups, women hear it and think immediately of the chauvinist mind-set: “The male dominates the female” . . . “It’s a man’s world” . . . “Men are superior and women are inferior” . . . and on and on.

I can’t really blame these women, because over the centuries, men have used Scripture in ignorant, abusive, and even evil ways. They have justified all kinds of terrible treatment of women, all in the name of “the Bible says so.”

But the Bible
doesn’t
say so. It says something much different from what is claimed by chauvinists. It also says something much different from what feminists purport.

In chapter 16, we mentioned the deep desire God built into man to go out into the field to work and achieve. Another desire God built into the man is to protect and provide for his wife and family and, if necessary, to die for them. This desire to protect and provide is part of the warp and woof of a man. An obvious example is life insurance. In the United States alone, billions upon billions are spent on life insurance premiums, bought mostly by men. Why? Because of their instinct to provide. They feel a sense of security and restfulness knowing their families will be taken care of if they die.

WHAT IS THE REAL MEANING OF “BIBLICAL HIERARCHY” ?

“All that may be well and good,” some women tell me, “but how does a man’s willingness to protect and provide for me place him above me in some kind of hierarchy?” Over the years I have talked to many a wife who is so controlled by her fear of her husband’s headship that she overreacts by habitually showing contempt and verbally abusing him. I believe, however, that when a woman understands hierarchy from a true biblical point of view, it relieves most, if not all, of her fears.

The passage that spells out biblical hierarchy is Ephesians 5:22–24: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”

“But if anyone does not provide for his own...he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).

In some translations, the words “be subject to” are translated “submit.” The Greek word here is
hupotasso
, a compound word that means to rank under or place under. God is not giving husbands some carte blanche label of “superior”; He is giving husbands a tremendous responsibility, as Paul clearly points out in the next few verses: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless” (vv. 25–27).

Here the responsibilities of being “head” are clearly spelled out. The husband is given the awesome responsibility to love his wife just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. That is why the goodwilled husband who understands this passage sees it as his duty to protect his wife. At the same time, the wife is called upon to place herself under that protection. This is the biblical definition of hierarchy. It is not male superiority for the sake of putting down the female. It is the male’s responsibility to place himself over the female and protect her. How this works out in the interplay between husband and wife in a marriage can take some interesting turns. One wife wrote:

Over the years when I would drive on ice and start to slide, I’d slam on the brakes. He’d tell me to let off the brakes. The other day I was driving alone and hit ice. Starting to slide, I hit the brakes and in my mind I heard his voice, “Let off the brakes.” It saved my life. I realized from your conference that his counsel to me was for my protection. His firmness with me was rooted in his protective role. So I came home and told him, “You saved my life.” I praised him and sought to honor him. Before, I just felt it was a put-down, and that wasn’t his motive at all.

Will the concept of biblical hierarchy lead to abuse? Will a man take advantage of being head of the family by putting down and even abusing his wife and children? Yes, this is possible, but because it is possible does not mean a woman should refuse to allow her husband to be the head. If a husband is evil-willed, the abuse will happen anyway, no matter what the family structure is. Any hierarchical role given to him has nothing to do with the abuse. The evil-willed man always treats those around him abusively. If a man is goodwilled, his wife’s respect and his hierarchical position will not cause him to abuse, because that is not in his nature. He will not use his position as “chair” of the family against those he is to love and protect.
¹

“The evil man brings evil things out of the evil . . . in his heart”

(Luke 6:45 NIV).

PAUL VERSUS TODAY’S CULTURE

In Ephesians 5, Paul lays out the ideal marriage relationship. The wife is subject to her husband and under his protection. The husband loves his wife and would be willing to die for her. The last thing he would ever want to do is take advantage of her, put her down, or treat her as an inferior of any kind. Most of the wives I have counseled agree with this “ideal picture”—to a point. As one wife said, “I want him to be the head; I just want to know he has my needs in his heart.”

When most wives say they want their husbands to be the head, they mean not too much, not too little—but just right. The evangelical wife doesn’t balk at the biblical teaching; she balks at the extremes to which a husband might take it. She does not want him to dominate her, and at the same time, she doesn’t want her husband to have to depend on her either.

As usual, however, the pressures of the secular culture in which Christian families live often cause confusion and contradiction. Often both spouses have to work just to keep the bills paid. In many cases, the wife makes as much as the husband and sometimes more. This is a tremendous bargaining chip that tempts her to think she isn’t being treated as “equal enough.” In today’s fast-moving, dual-income households, it’s easy for the concept of headship and wifely submission to start feeling old-fashioned and out-of-date.

The problem many women have today—including Christian wives —is that they want to be treated like a princess, but deep down they resist treating their husbands like the king. They aren’t willing to recognize that in the depth of his very soul a husband wants to be the one who provides and protects—he wants to be an umbrella of protection who would willingly die for his wife if need be.

When we got married, Sarah expressed her fear that we would not have enough financially. She was raised by a single parent and had known what it was like to be short of money a lot of the time. I told Sarah, “I am responsible. I will provide. That is not for you to worry about.” She shares that this took a weight off her back, and she let go of her concern. She chose to trust me. If she had stayed concerned and worried and kept after me about, “Will we always have enough?” it would have stressed me like few things could have.

Men of goodwill understand the rallying call to “fight for . . . your wives” (Nehemiah 4:14).

HOW TO DEFLATE A HUSBAND WITH SEVEN WORDS

The desire to provide for my wife is something God put deep within my soul—and every man’s soul, for that matter. Admittedly, men are very sensitive to put-downs in this area of providing for the family. Sarah and I had just finished a Love and Respect Conference when a couple came up and told us a story. It seems they had just built a brand-new home, and another couple asked if they could take a tour. The new homeowners said, “Of course; come on over.” Soon they were taking the couple through the beautiful new home which had every feature imaginable—lovely fixtures, granite countertops. They had spared no expense.

Halfway through the tour, as they were coming down the steps from looking at all the upstairs bedrooms and the many adjoining baths, the wife in the visiting couple turned to her husband and said, “You need to get a second job.” The couple giving the tour of their home were stunned by the woman’s remark. They both could see the spirit of the husband sink before their very eyes. The visiting couple left a few minutes later.

What is doubly sad about this story is that the wife who made the remark to her husband about needing a second job probably didn’t even realize what she had done. She was simply commenting on the grandeur of the home they were touring and never thought that what she was saying would hurt her husband’s feelings. But hurt them she did because she just didn’t understand her husband or the need to show him respect. It’s not a bad rule for a wife to always ask herself,
Is what I’m about to say or do going to come across to him as respectful or disrespectful?
(Also see appendix A, page 305.)

“Those who talk a lot are likely to sin.But those who control their tongues are wise”

(Proverbs 10:19 NIRV).

There are many ways to show your husband respect. Just look for ways to appreciate his desire to protect and provide, especially when things aren’t going too well for him.

Dr. E. V. Hill, a dynamic minister who served as senior pastor of Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Los Angeles, lost his wife, Jane, to cancer a few years ago. At her funeral, Dr. Hill described some of the ways she had made him a better man. As a struggling young preacher, E. V. had trouble earning a living. E. V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two. He thought that was a great idea and went in to the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. Then he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off. She began to cry.

“You work so hard, and we’re trying,” said Jane, “but it’s pretty rough. I didn’t have enough money to pay the light bill. I didn’t want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight.”

Dr. Hill described his wife’s words with intense emotion. “She could have said, ‘I’ve never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off.’ She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, ‘Somehow or other we’ll get these lights back on. But tonight let’s eat by candlelight.’ ”
²

This poignant story is a case study on how a wife should appreciate her husband’s desire to protect and provide. It is likely Mrs. Hill didn’t have a complete definition of biblical hierarchy in mind when she lit those candles, but she instinctively knew how to support her husband and appreciate his desire to protect and provide. As Dr. Hill admitted, she could have broken his spirit with words of criticism or sarcasm. Men see themselves as “over” their families. This is why a husband is extra sensitive during conflicts when he hears what sounds like put-downs. The pink wife may not see herself as putting down her husband during a heated discussion over finances. She is only letting him know how she feels so he can respond with love and understanding. However, because her blue husband has a hierarchical mind-set, her comments sound belittling to him. Mark it down. Men are more vulnerable to criticism when it is related to “headship” issues.
³

THE CARD HE’LL KEEP FOREVER

Suppose you are a wife who trusts her husband. He may not be perfect as the head of the family, but you are quite willing to allow him to live that role as you submit to his leadership. How can you apply what I’ve been saying? Can you show him respect in his role as the head and the leader? One of the simplest methods that I suggest for wives is to send their husbands what I call a “respect card.” According to my research, men seldom keep love cards their wives send them with all the little hearts,
X
s, and
O
s. But I will guarantee you he will keep a card you send him that says, “I was thinking about you the other day, that you would die for me. That is an overwhelming thought to me.” Sign it, “With all my respect, the one who still admires you.”