Love and Respect (24 page)

FROM THE START, ADAM ENJOYED HIS WORK

To learn where husbands got this tremendous drive to work and achieve, we must go back to Genesis and the first career assignment in history. “Then the LORD God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it” (Genesis 2:15). Before Eve was created, God made Adam, and God made him to work. It’s interesting to note that Eden was not a place with free handouts wherever Adam turned. The trees provided food, but Adam was to cultivate and keep them. God set Adam up with almost everything he needed: a beautiful place, plenty of food, and a good water supply (see Genesis 2:10).
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With a great job and perfect working conditions, Adam seemed to have it all. But the Lord knew something was missing. To fulfill his vocation, his call, Adam needed a woman to be his counterpart. So God made “a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). The Hebrew word for “helper” (or “helpmeet”) means literally “a help answering to him,” or “one who answers.” In 1 Corinthians 11:9, Paul takes this thought further: “For indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.”

My observation is that during courtship a woman glows with a message to her man: “I love you and am here for you. I respect what you want to do and who you want to be. I long to help you. That’s what love is all about.” After marriage, however, things change. Her way of helping can feel anything but respectful to her husband. For example, one wife of almost sixteen years and a homeschooling mother of three, thought she had the right motives to be a helpmeet, but she could see she wasn’t being received as such. She writes:

He received what I thought were well-meaning ways of helping as intentions with wrong motives. . . . I am finding out I have come across in a complaining negative attitude more than I care to realize. . . . Since I have been purposing to show respect, I have definitely seen the blessing, my husband has been talking more to me, been more affectionate, and I feel like we have been closer in the past few weeks than we have in years.

Obviously, passages like Genesis 2:18 and 1 Corinthians 11:9 are not favorites with the feminist movement.
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To feminists this is politically incorrect—something written by a man, making God to appear to be sexist. But Scripture is not so easily dismissed. From the very beginning, man was called upon to “work in the field” and to provide for his family. The male feels a deep need to be involved in adventure and conquest. This is not an option for him; it is a deep-seated trait.

From Jacob’s day until now, a man asks, “When shall I provide for my own household?”

(Genesis 30:30).

A MAN’S FIRST QUESTION: “WHAT DO YOU DO? ”

The first question a man usually asks another man when they meet for the first time is, “What do you do?” Right or wrong, most men identify themselves by their work. God created men to “do” something in the field. Watch young boys as they pick up sticks and turn them into imaginary guns or tools. Recently a mother told us she had prevented her son from having any toy guns or using sticks as pretend rifles, but when he made his cheese sandwich into the form of a pistol and was shooting at a friend, she cried out in exasperation, “I give up!”

Mothers should never give up because this is simply part of a boy’s nature. He is called to be a hunter, a worker, a doer. He wants to make his conquest in the field of life. The academic term for this is the “instrumentality of the male.”
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From childhood, there is something in a male that makes him like adventure and conquest. He wants to go into the field to hunt or to work in some way.

During a Love and Respect Conference, when we talk about this male drive for conquest that starts very young, I ask the wives, “How do you want your future daughter-in-law to treat your son? He’s going to have this same need to achieve and to work. I’m sure that you will want his wife to support him, just as your husband wants you to support him.” When I mention their sons and what might happen when they marry, the light goes on for many women who are struggling with the concept of unconditional respect. One wife told me, “When you put it this way, it changes the whole focus. I feel differently about how I treat my husband than how I want my son treated by his future wife. That shouldn’t be.”

How deeply men value their inborn desire to work and achieve is graphically illustrated in two friends of mine who faced the threat of cancer. Both men calmly faced death and accepted what they thought would be their end. Through all the chemotherapy and accompanying problems, their optimism and faith remained strong. In the end, both men survived, but both still suffered terribly from a common foe. One of the men chose to sell his company to allow himself to serve God with whatever time he had left. However, for a period of time after the sale, he found he did not know who he was without his work. He told me, “I was never depressed when dealing with cancer and possibly dying, but when I left my work, which was my identity, I went into a depression that was like nothing I had ever experienced before.”

The other man suffered horribly and was at death’s door, but somehow he, too, recovered. He returned to work, and life was wonderful, but then he lost his job. He came to see me, depressed and defeated. He told me that being out of work was harder than dying. Ironically, both of these men were more deeply affected by losing their careers than they were with facing death due to cancer.

Many women have no idea of the importance men put on their work. If a wife even implies, unknowingly, that her husband’s work is not that important, she has just called him a loser. I can recall a friend of mine who built a very profitable business and was then approached by someone who wanted to buy him out. In his mind, there was no greater compliment because this buyout meant he would be financially secure and socially honored. To him, this meant success. The buyout finally happened, and he came home to announce the good news to his wife. She, however, was preoccupied with home and family issues. Distracted, she said, “That’s nice, dear” and then went on accomplishing one of her to-do list items.

This man told me later that he was crushed. He said, “I was so hurt I made a decision never to share things with her again.” I don’t endorse his decision, but I can empathize. A woman would probably be able to empathize if she could picture a reverse situation. She announces she is pregnant and her husband, distracted by his television program, says, “That’s nice, dear.” By way of stark contrast, here is a letter from a wife who chose to stand by her man:

My husband has been going through a big struggle and has been the target of a lot of criticism and rumor. I have chosen to stand next to him . . . and show respect and commitment in the face of the criticism and rumors. He and I have lost friendships spanning fifteen to thirty years because of this struggle but have grown closer in the process. He tells me what’s going on now, shares the e-mails with me, etc., instead of being all closed up and quiet. God is so good to me, giving me the knowledge I need at the time I need it.

DO WOMEN WANT TO HAVE IT ALL?

When I speak of a man’s deep-seated desire to work, I am not saying women have no desire to work. Women have always worked, but generally they did so in the home with children nearby. In recent decades, women have discovered they are quite capable of going out into the workaday world and holding significant positions and making tremendous achievements. But when a wife goes out to work, the question remains: who will remain at home to care for the kids? The answer is day care, a solution that at best is hardly ideal and, at worst, is severely harmful to the children.

It is interesting that in the Western world at least, women see careers as a freedom-of-choice issue. Women don’t want to be told they have to work. They want the freedom to choose full-time mothering and/or a career.

Most men feel that work is not an option. Comedian Tim Allen has observed that women have all kinds of choices. Men have one: “Work or go to jail.” Yes, it is true that in some homes the woman works and the man takes care of the kids. Generally speaking, however, our sons will feel they have to work in some field, but our daughters will want the freedom to choose between pregnancies and promotions.

My counseling experience leads me to conclude that the typical woman is looking for a husband who is capable enough to enable her to leave the workforce if she so desires. As she evaluates her future with a man, she instinctively considers his ability to take care of her and the children. The good-willed woman marries for love, not for money; nonetheless, she is very aware of the need to make a “nest.” She asks herself, “Can he provide sufficiently to make it possible for me to stay home with my little chicks if that’s what I want to do full time?” The woman who asks this question is being wise. I hope my daughter weighs her options in this way.

There is also the question of just how much a wife who is the main breadwinner enjoys her role. Remember the basic question that all wives have: “Does he love me as much as I love him?” Women are basically insecure about this, and if a wife is out there doing the providing, bringing home the money while he stays home, her insecurity goes up, not down. She wonders, “Would he even be here if it weren’t for the money I make?” Becoming the main provider for the family can result in the woman being attacked at her level of deepest fear.

A man always feels the call to the field, while the natural instinct of a woman is the call to the family. The husband instinctively knows he needs to be out there performing, no matter what other pressures he may be facing. I believe that most men reflect Adam and most women reflect Eve deep within their core. Like Adam, he feels a call to work in the field on behalf of the family. Most women feel like Eve. She alone can have a baby and, if she has a baby, she wants the option of having her Adam work in the field on her behalf.

Adam does not expect Eve to have a baby and hand the baby to him so she can go back to work. Those who advocate domestic equality promote this idea, but after doing my PhD dissertation on effective fathers, I would not agree. This is not to downplay a woman’s abilities and her desire for a career. Women can be called to positions of important leadership (see Judges 4:4), but I want to emphasize her incomparable worth as mother to an infant. A father with an infant does not compare to a mother with an infant. I do not believe any social engineering will make Daddy “a natural mother.” Typically, the woman leans toward having the baby and caring for the baby; the man leans toward working in the field for her and the baby. Yes, I know there are exceptions in today’s culture, but for the typical woman, her first desire is not for a career; it is for home and family.
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Despite feminism’s cries, a wife best qualifies as the one who “tenderly cares for her own children”

(1 Thessalonians 2:7).

HAVE YOU EVER SAID, “THANKS FOR WORKING” ?

For those women who would like to do one simple thing that would encourage their husbands and show them respect concerning this whole area of conquest, just try writing him a note. It doesn’t have to be long or profound. All it has to say is, “Honey, thank you for getting out there and working.” If you want to elaborate, tell him that you are grateful that he has given you the opportunity to choose to go out and work or to be home with the children, and you just want to thank him for that.

I talk to women who tell me that they thought about thanking their husbands for working—in fact, they’ve thought a lot about it but have never told them. I asked them how they would feel about a man who says he thinks a lot about how much he loves his wife but never tells her. The usual response is shock or anger. “What do you mean, a man could live with his wife and never tell her he loves her?” They can’t believe it.

The point is easily made. Relationships go both ways. Of course, he should tell you he loves you. But you should turn to him and say, “Honey, thank you. You have to get out there and work every day. I don’t know if I totally understand it, but I appreciate this. I really respect you.” Watch what your husband does with that. See how he reacts. I guarantee you it will make a tremendous difference. (Also see appendix A and C.)

HE WANTS A WOMAN WHO BELIEVES IN HIM

In one of my Christian education classes in college, the question was asked, “What do you want in a spouse?” I remember saying, “I want a woman who will believe in me.” There is a parallel here between Christ and the church. Christ wants us to believe in Him, and we do that to the glory of God. But in the human sense, in the marriage relationship, men do what they do for the admiration of one woman. When you fell in love and he married you, he felt that you believed in him and he appreciated that—perhaps far more than you have ever realized. It touched his spirit, because this is something huge within the male. He married you, and he thought that your “cheerleading” would last forever. But years later, his work appears to compete with the marriage and the family. Instead of admiring him for his work efforts, you may be feeling neglected.

“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown”

(Proverbs 12:4 NIV).

It’s possible your husband may be in the “workaholic” category and you have every reason to feel neglected. You may be tempted to feel like one wife who wrote to us to say, “I have come out and said in the past that his work is more important than I am and that it’s all about him. I have said that his laptop is the ‘other woman’ in our house and I can’t compete with it.” Workaholism is a very real and serious problem, but I believe that if you and your husband are trying to be a Love and Respect couple, what he needs is support and respect for his work efforts. If he is a good-willed man who is neglecting the family by working too much, he will realize it, and you can talk it through and work it out. (For more on workaholism, see appendix E, p. 315.)

When you support and appreciate your husband, he will say that he has received “favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22 NIRV).