Love and Respect (5 page)

CRAZINESS—JUST KEEP FLIPPING THE LIGHT SWITCH

Stories like these are not unusual. Every married couple has versions of their own. Around and around it spins. I call it the Crazy Cycle. So many people are on the Crazy Cycle that five out of ten couples in the church are divorcing, and the craziness seems to be getting worse. It’s like someone coming into a room, flipping the light switch, and discovering the lights won’t come on. If someone tries the switch two or three times with no results, you can understand. He will eventually figure it out—a tripped circuit breaker, a burned-out bulb. But if he stands there and flips the switch constantly for half an hour, you begin to wonder, “Is this guy a little crazy?”

Runaway divorce statistics reveal that “insanity is in their hearts”(Ecclesiastes 9:3).

The point is simple:
Craziness happens when we keep doing the same things over and over with the same ill effect
. Marriage seems to be fertile ground for this kind of craziness. Ironically, there are more books being published on marriage today than ever before. There are books on marital communication, money management, sex,
etc.
There are even books on how to become a better husband (or wife) in thirty days! But with all our knowledge, the craziness continues. And it doesn’t seem to matter if the couples are Christians or unbelievers. Why? I have concluded that those of us in the church, who believe we have the Truth, are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored or perhaps simply gone unnoticed when it has been there all the time right under our noses!

Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says.

WHY DO COUPLES COMMUNICATE IN CODE?

Communication in marriage has been described, discussed, and dissected in hundreds, if not thousands, of books and articles. Why is communication between husbands and wives such a problem? It goes back to the fact that we send each other messages in “code,” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Let’s see how this plays out at home as a couple is getting dressed to start the day.

She says, “I have nothing to wear.” (She means, she has nothing
new
.)

He says, “I have nothing to wear.” (He means, he has nothing
clean
.)

There is no serious danger of conflict here, but the “nothing to wear” line illustrates that we all see things out of our own needs and perceptions. Just the other day, I was working on my computer and Sarah had the radio on in the next room. It was some kind of talk show and just loud enough to derail my train of thought. I yelled to her, “Are you listening to that?” There was no reply. I yelled again, “Are you
listening
to that?” Still no answer. Finally, I yelled louder, “Are you listening to the radio?!” She yelled back, “I have been trying to listen, but you keep interrupting!”

This created a two-minute exchange that almost turned into a serious argument. It seems Sarah was irritated with me because she hadn’t even noticed the radio—she was busy with something else. But she thought I had called to her because there was something on this talk show that I really wanted her to hear. Of course, my real intention was that she turn off the radio if she wasn’t really listening to it. So I was irritated with her because she hadn’t understood me.

Finally, it came to me that I hadn’t been very clear about what I had meant, and yelling at her three times wasn’t too loving either. So I apologized. I cite this little misunderstanding to point out that things like this can escalate, particularly if husband and wife are a bit upset with one another about something that happened the day before (or possibly just a few minutes ago). In other cases, couples may be experiencing long-term tension, which can escalate when fed by a simple miscommunication.

At a certain point, the issue isn’t about turning off the radio, or whatever the miscommunication may be. The wife can get irked with the husband because he isn’t being sensitive, something that most wives always anticipate or expect. In less than a minute, the wife can start feeling unloved and accuse her husband of being unloving. Meanwhile, the husband can get displeased with the wife when she starts talking to him as if he’s insensitive. He starts reciting the mantra of many husbands: “I can never be good enough.” The husband is feeling disrespected or at least unfairly criticized—again. A tiny spark in a dry forest can quickly catch fire, and if a couple doesn’t know how to put it out, it can grow into a serious conflagration.

“WHEN THE ISSUE ISN’T THE ISSUE”

In almost every case, the issue that seems to be the cause of the craziness is not the real issue at all. Do you ever get into a conflict with your spouse but you aren’t sure why? You see your spouse deflate or bristle or go cold, and then you think,
What is wrong here? What’s happening?
Typically, you write it off by saying, “If only she weren’t so touchy” or, “If only he weren’t so childish.” Of course, if
you
are the one who is offended, that’s different. Your spouse is guilty of stepping on your toes—again.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message. When the wife felt unloved because she got a birthday card for her tenth anniversary, it did not mean that the husband was sending her a message saying, “I really don’t care about you or love you.” At the same time, when his wife reacted in an angry and disrespectful way, that did not mean her message was, “I don’t respect you any farther than I can throw you.”

When the traveling businessman came home expecting to be sexually intimate and his wife was unresponsive, the message she was sending was not, “I don’t respect you or your needs.” And the husband may have become moody or upset, but he was not signaling that he did not love her. Often, we focus on our own needs and simply overlook the needs of the other person. The wife needs love; she is not trying to be disrespectful. The husband needs respect; he is not trying to be unloving. Once you grasp this basic principle—that the “issue” is not the real issue at all—you are on your way to cracking the communication code.

WE’RE AS DIFFERENT AS PINK AND BLUE

When the issue isn’t the real issue, it is crucial to understand that one thing is going on in the spirit of the wife and an entirely different thing is going on in the spirit of the husband. The opening chapters of Genesis tell us God created them male and female. That’s hardly news. But what it underlines is that men and women are
very
different. For example, Peter notes that difference when he instructs husbands to treat wives in a very specific way “
since
she is a woman” (1 Peter 3:7; italics mine).

Matthew 19:4 tells us “the Creator ‘made them male and female’ ”(NIRV); in other words, very different.

The way I like to picture the difference between men and women is that the woman looks at the world through pink sunglasses that color all she sees. The man, however, looks at the world through blue sunglasses that color all he sees. Men and women can look at precisely the same situation and see life much differently. Inevitably, their pink and blue lenses cause their interpretation of things to be at odds to some degree.

Not only do men and women see differently, but they also hear differently. To carry the pink and blue analogy a little further, God created men with blue hearing aids and women with pink hearing aids. They may hear the same words but get much different messages (as in, “I have nothing to wear!”). Because men and women have sunglasses and hearing aids in different colors, they send each other messages in different codes.

When the spirit of your wife deflates before your eyes, and you suddenly sense an issue, she’s sending a code. Of course, if there were a thousand women watching and listening, wearing their pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids, they would quickly say, “Well, I know why that sweet little thing is shutting down on him. She’s so sweet and tender. I can’t believe it; look at how he’s talking to her.” To women, the code is obvious as they decipher the message through pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids. No wonder they often think,
Men are so brain dead. They have two brains—one’s lost and the other is out looking for it!

But turn it around. When the wife sees the spirit of her husband deflate, or he gets angry and won’t talk, his behavior seems childish to her. But if a thousand men with blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids were watching and listening, they would say, “I know why that guy shut down on her. Good grief ! Look at the way she’s talking to him. Unbelievable! Get that witch a broom!”

Are you beginning to see why male/female communication can be such a problem? Let’s go back to the story of the anniversary card that turned into “Happy Birthday.” When the wife sees that her husband has purchased a birthday card, her spirit deflates in an instant. He has forgotten their anniversary many times, but this is the last straw! Obviously, her husband doesn’t even love her enough to take the time to
read
a card he bought for her!

So she sends him an angry message, and, of course, it was in code. Does he decode her words and expressions correctly? Of course not. He is wearing blue sunglasses. All he sees is anger, irritation, and disrespect. He feels guilty, then irritated. After all, he made an honest mistake . . . give him a break!

But the wife peers through her pink sunglasses, and she will have none of this “honest mistake” bit. She takes the conflict to a new low by assassinating his character. He thinks more of his car than he thinks of her!

That does it. He is glad he bought her a birthday card—it serves her right. He doesn’t have to deal with this. And he walks out. So they both spend their tenth anniversary wondering how a little thing like a card could cause so much craziness. But, of course, the card wasn’t really the issue. The real issue was that the wife felt unloved and responded the only way she knew how—by getting in her husband’s face and telling him off. (Not all wives do that, but most lean in that direction at such moments!) With her pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids firmly in place, she wanted him to be genuinely sorry —not defensive, but asking forgiveness. Then they could have gone out for a nice dinner. But his blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids wouldn’t let that happen. His real issue—which he probably couldn’t even verbalize—is that he felt disrespected. He would show her, and so two essentially goodwilled people wound up spinning on the Crazy Cycle with no clue about how to slow it down or stop it.

The goodwilled husband is “concerned about . . . how he may please his wife” and the goodwilled wife is “concerned about . . . how she may please her husband”(1 Corinthians 7:33–34).

What do I mean by “goodwilled people”? Simply that both of these people love each other a great deal. They do not mean real harm; they do not intend real evil toward one another. They are hurt and angry, but they still care deeply for one another. That is why they spent their anniversary evening in separate rooms, miserable, wondering how this whole stupid thing could have happened. (And the reason neither will figure it out is that each blames the other for the whole sorry affair.)

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH CONFIRMS THE CENTRALITY OF LOVE AND RESPECT

As long as spouses do not learn to decode the pink and blue messages they are sending one another, the Crazy Cycle will spin and spin some more. What is that one thing that is going on inside of her, where the code is obviously pink? What is the one thing that is going on inside of him, where the code is obviously blue? The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple—and as difficult—as that.

Interestingly enough, scientific research confirms that love and respect are the foundation of a successful marriage. Dr. John Gottman, professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington, led a research team that spent twenty years studying two thousand couples who had been married twenty to forty years to the same partner. These people came from diverse backgrounds and had widely differing occupations and lifestyles. But one thing was similar—the tone of their conversations. As these couples talked together, almost always there was what Gottman calls “a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: Love and Respect. These are the direct opposite of—and antidote for—contempt, perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage.”
¹

Gottman’s findings confirm what has already been in Scripture for some two thousand years. Chapter 5 of Ephesians is considered by many to be the most significant treatise on marriage in the New Testament. Paul concludes these statements on marriage by getting gender specific in verse 33. He reveals commands from the very heart of God as he tells the husband he
must
love (
agape
) his wife unconditionally and the wife
must
respect her husband, whether or not her husband comes across as loving.
²

Note, however, that this verse gives no command to a wife to
agape-
love her husband. As I studied this verse over the years, I began to ask, “Why is there no command for a wife to
agape
her husband?” And then it struck me. The Lord has created a woman to love. Her whole approach to nurture, her sensitivity, love, and compassion are all part of her very nature. In short, God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to
agape
her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Let’s go a little further with this and skip over to Titus 2:4. Here, older women are told to encourage younger women to love their husbands and children, but in this case, Paul is not talking about
agape
love. In Titus 2:4, he uses the Greek word
phileo,
which refers to the human, brotherly kind of love. The point is, a young wife is created to
agape
her husband and children. Ultimately, she will never stop unconditionally loving them. But in the daily wear and tear of life, she is in danger of becoming discouraged—so discouraged that she may lack
phileo.
A kind of impatient unfriendliness can come over her. She may scold and sigh way too much. After all, there is always something or someone who needs correcting. She cares deeply. Her motives are filled with
agape,
but her methods lack
phileo
.