Love at the Speed of Email (25 page)

Quite apart from the fact that my
heart
melted faster than butter under an equatorial sun listening to him say
this, it was encouraging. When I think about being at home in my own skin, I
think of confidence – a confidence that springs from exercising your strengths,
understanding what you value, and having a clear sense of purpose.

Purpose is something Mike and I have spent a lot of time
talking about. In the letters we exchanged before we met for the first time in
Australia, we used the word
purpose
forty-two times. It is something that I’m still getting a handle on in my own
life, and something I don’t think should ever harden into something immutable.
But there have been several grindstones that have contributed to the sharpening
of my own sense of purpose during the last five years. Work has been one such
grindstone, writing another, faith a third. I’m far less sure of the semantics
of faith than I was a decade ago. The language of church doesn’t fit me
completely, and unshakable certainty in any domain scares me. But I do believe
that I am part of a meaningful story that’s far bigger and more important than
just my own thread, and I believe that the heart of God is love.

Purpose.
Passion.
Meaning.

Without some baseline sense of these in your life, you may
feel at home some places, or with some people, but you won’t ever feel fully at
home in yourself.

* * *

After Mike proposed and before he left for PNG again at the
end of May, we talked engagement rings. Or, rather, we talked the framework of
budget, since I didn’t really have a clue what I wanted.

After he left, I had no idea where to start looking.

I thought I
would
quite like a ring of some sort, but I wasn’t at all sure I wanted a diamond. I
thought I might like an opal. Not a white one – they’ve always seemed rather
milky and boring – but a black opal. There’s something fascinating about how
vivid fragments of blue, green, gold and red show up all fleeting and fiery in
the depths of that dark stone. Black opals that are mostly blue and green look
like earth as viewed from the moon – mysterious, magical,
fecund
.

It turns out, though, that opals bear one more similarity to
planet Earth: they are quite fragile and prone to scratching and chipping if
knocked about. So in the end I gave up on the idea of opals and returned to
diamonds. After four months of engagement, three trips to Robbins Brothers, two
changes of mind, and a partridge in a pear tree, I finally decided on an
engagement ring. Two weeks after Mike arrived in Los Angeles in September we
went to finalize the transaction.

“We just bought a small car for your finger,” Mike said on
the way home, shell-shocked.

“Well, yes. A small secondhand, car,” I said and added
quickly, “but it will be
much
more
beautiful than a car.”

There was an extended pause.

“At least this won’t lose value like an actual car would,” I
said. “That could come in handy.”

“How’s that?”
Mike asked.

“Well, you know, we might need to barter it for something
someday,” I said. “Like safe passage on a boat during a military coup.”

There was another extended pause.

“I cannot believe you said
that
less than ten minutes after I signed the bill,” Mike said.

“I would take you with me on the boat,” I said.

“This is one of those times when you should just stop
talking,” Mike said.

“Hey!” I said. “I was
trying
to save your life.”

“Yet all I can see is all the dirt flying out of that hole
you’re digging there,” Mike said.

I decided to stop talking until I figured out whether Mike
was actually upset. I was still trying to figure it out when we got back to my
place fifteen minutes later.

Six weeks later the ring was ready and we went to pick it
up. When they opened the box I was silent with awe. I had been right – it
was
much more beautiful than a car. Mike
looked at it thoughtfully.

“Wow,” he said. “It’s really pretty. I’m going to miss it
when we have to barter it for boat tickets.”

I’ve never been much of a ring person, so I’ve been somewhat
surprised by how much I love my engagement ring. After not even being sure I
wanted one diamond, I ended up choosing a ring with three of them – a stone in
the center flanked by two smaller ones. I love the delicacy of it, the
symmetry,
the
sparkle as all those facets bounce light
at me.

A single-faceted diamond wouldn’t shine in nearly the same
way, and perhaps that’s a little like home. Place, people, purpose – those are
all large, important facets in the lodestone of home. So is safety. So is
familiarity in any loved form, and feeling understood and accepted and a
contented sort of cozy. In between those defining planes, life has engraved
dozens of other smaller facets on my own unique vision of home. They form a
mélange of memory and sensation that can momentarily wink up at me, beautiful.

The feeling that comes when I write something that sings.

The message and the music of the song
Amazing Grace
.

The porch swing on the back deck of this house.
My blue couch in L.A.
In Mike’s arms.

Jacaranda flowers.
Great books.
Flannel pajamas.

Warm, slippery mango.
A grassy
sauvignon
blanc
.
Takeout Indian on the beach.
Chili barbecued prawns.
Orange chicken and chow
mein
.
My
grandmother’s passion-fruit sponge cake.

The smell of salt water, wood smoke,
eucalyptus, mosquito repellant, diesel fuel, jasmine.

The plangent chime of my engagement ring
landing in the Turkish pottery bowl on my bedside table when I take it off at
night.

* * *

I, Lisa McKay, choose
you, Michael Wolfe, as my life partner, the one I commit to love. I pledge to
cherish and honor you regardless of circumstances, in the pressures of the
present and the uncertainties of the future, loving what I do know of you,
trusting what I do not yet know.

I promise to grow in
mind and spirit with you, and support you in fulfilling your hopes and dreams.
I promise to remain with you, whatever afflictions may befall. I commit to
sharing with you life’s joys and sorrows, pleasures and pains from this day
forward until death do us part.

* * *

I am going to put on a beautiful dress tomorrow and walk
down a grassy aisle littered with frangipanis to the celestial sounds of
Gabriel’s Oboe
from
The Mission
. And then I will make these promises.

In the end I am not going to promise or demand that Mike
will be home to me – after a certain point in life, perhaps home is more
something you make than something you have, anyway. But I will, in essence, be
promising to fashion a home
with
him.

I have no idea what places, people, and purposes that will
come to mean.

This scares the part of me that longs for the
white-picket-fence version of home, that wants to predict and control the
future and that yearns for the grounding grace of routine. It thrills the part
of me that longs for the sharp spur of purpose to drive me from my comfort
zone, that
craves the cold-shower shock of novelty and the
adventures of dirt roads less traveled. I’m not sure that these paradoxical
longings will ever be fully reconciled – I’m no longer sure that’s even the
point. I am, however, certain that I want Mike to be beside me whatever form
home might take for me in the future. I am convinced that a white picket fence
with him would be better than bumping down a dirt road without him and that
traveling a dirt road together would beat out a white picket fence that’s mine
alone. That sort of peaceful surety is worth following down an aisle and across
the world, don’t you think?

I do.

###

As usual, writing this book has been a longer and more
challenging journey than I had anticipated. Many people have supported and
encouraged me along the way. I especially want to thank …

All the wonderful strangers who posted online reviews after
reading
my hands came away red
and
wrote me letters sharing their thoughts and asking when my next book would be
coming out.

Andy McGuire for calling
Hands
my “first novel” – words that forced me to explore the possibility of a second
book.

Chip
MacGregor
for believing in
the big picture of me as a writer, for providing helpful input on the first
draft, for championing this book and for tracking with my story.

Jennifer Anthony, Lisa Borden, Tristan Clements, Leah
Curtis, Sarah Kelly, Andy McGuire, Chip
MacGregor
,
Lloyd McKay,
Merrilyn
McKay, Hilary Reed, Janet
Shriberg
, Erica Sloan, Natasha White, and Michelle Williams
for reading the first draft and providing much useful feedback and
encouragement to keep going.

Joslyne
Decker and Amy Lyles Wilson for their invaluable and detailed
input on the second draft.

Fellow authors Nicole
Baart
,
Leeana
Tankersley
, Susan
Meissner
, Gina Holmes, Lisa Samson, Torre
DeRoche
and Lisa Borden for their encouragement and input.

Ryan for being casually good humored when I emailed him a
draft of this book and admitted I had e-stalked him.

Jason for being gracious and transparent when
I emailed him a draft of this book and admitted that I had treated him less
than well.

My parents, Lloyd and
Merrilyn
McKay, and my siblings, Matthew McKay and Michelle Williams, for letting me
share snippets of their lives and for being such important parts of mine.

Everyone else who appears in these pages.
You have all touched my life deeply.
 

In particular, Michael Wolfe.
For writing that first email and so many more since.
For being such a thoughtful and caring partner.
For reading every draft and for all the other ways in which you
encourage me to follow my passions.
For daring to tell me that the first
draft was “a good start that needed a lot more work” and for spending time with
our precious baby when you can so that I can have some uninterrupted writing
time. Three years down the track, I would choose you again without hesitating.

Dear reader,

Thank you so much for spending time
with me by reading this book! If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving a
review.

Mike and I have been married for
three years now. A lot has happened during those three years – not least of
which
is
a baby and a move. We’re currently living in
Luang
Prabang
, Laos.

If you’d like to find out more or
stop by and say hello, please visit
www.lisamckaywriting.com
.
I would love to hear from you.

Lisa

June 2012

Topics
and questions for discussion

Home

1. Throughout
the book, Lisa ponders the concept of home. What are some of the words and
places she associates with home? What conclusions does she eventually come to
about home?

2. Lisa and
Mike write about “the internal and unwinnable war between the longing for
adventure and home.” Do you feel that Adventure and Home necessarily stand in
opposition to each other?

3. What do you
associate with the word
home
? What
are some of your earliest memories of home?

Travel and change

4. Lisa
travels a lot. What are some of the gifts this travel gives her? What are some
of the costs?

5. How have
your own travels helped you see the world differently?

6. Lisa asks
herself this question: “At what point does a constant stream of change blunt
our ability to feel and connect to the present and to ourselves?” What do you
think? What are some other things that
blunt
your ability to feel and connect to the present and yourself?

Alternative lives

7. How did
Lisa feel about turning 30? Have you struggled with any of your birthdays? Why?

8. In
Alternate Lives
, Lisa says: “The basic
economic principle of opportunity cost holds just as true in relation to the
wealth of time as it does for money. By choosing this, I am giving up other
lives – different lives that would shape a different me.” Do you daydream about
an alternate life for yourself? What
do your alternative
lives look
like?

9. In
Spinsters Abroad
, Lisa says: “I am
starting to catch myself wondering … whether … I’ll wake up in fifteen years
and still believe that it was worth it – this choice that I have made again and
again throughout my twenties to pursue adventure and novelty and helping people
in faraway lands rather than stability and continuity and helping people in a
land I claim as mine.” Are you making a choice like this – a choice you wonder
whether you’ll still believe it was worth it in the future?

Love

10. In
The Shadow of the Golden Dome
Lisa
writes believing that love was more of a campfire than a
lightening
bolt. Do you believe in love at first sight?

11. In
Chasing Silver Dollars
, Lisa writes, “A
soul mate, I believed, would meet me on a visceral, darker level. He would have
an instinctive understanding, borne out of experience, of the elements that
made up my own particular potpourri of angst – constant change, the guilt of
privilege, too much witnessed suffering, a battle between hope and cynicism,
and a search for God that wouldn’t let you rest even during times when you
weren’t at all sure you believed in God. There would be the companionship of
keenly felt questions.” Do you believe soul mates exist? What makes a soul mate
for you?

12. Do you think
that Lisa could have handled the situation with Jason and Ryan better? How?
What lessons have you learned from your own misjudgments in previous
relationships?

13. What are some
of the benefits and pitfalls of long distance relationships?

14. In
Shock and Awe
In
Love
, Lisa asks: “Just how sure did I need to be to make a commitment of
this magnitude?” What do you think? How do you know when to say yes or no in
crucial moments?

Faith, hope and passion

15. In
The Internal and Unwinnable War
, Mike
asks Lisa this question: “How have your ideas about faith changed over the past
10ish years? How have your ideas about faith expanded and contracted as you’ve
come
face-to-faith with tragedies of human existence and as
you’ve encountered people from different cultures and worldviews and faith
walks?” How did she answer it? How would you?

16. In
Hope Chases Us
, Lisa and Mike write to
each other about hope and passion. What makes you feel hopeful? What about
passionate?

A couple of extras

17. What role has
reading played in Lisa’s life? What role has it played in yours?

18. What do you
think about the way that Lisa handled the situation with Travis? Have you ever
encountered a situation where you expect mental illness was involved? If so,
how did you handle it?

19. Do fairytales
exist in “real life”?

Thank you for reading! If you
enjoyed this book, please consider leaving a short review.

Visit
http://www.lisamckaywriting.com
for
more, including the free e-book
201 Great
Discussion Questions for Couples in Long Distance Relationships.

Visit my
blog
to read more about my
travels, upcoming stories, and more.