Love, But Never (11 page)

             
‘Separations?!  I can’t go home!  They’ll think I failed.  They’ll be ruthless.  What am I supposed to do now?’
Marissa thought as she started to feel the pain in her stomach creeping back up.  She winced.  Her nurse moved to check her pain medication levels and checked her watch, before adding a new dose into Marissa’s IV.

              “Just relax, Masterson.  That’s the only thing you can do for yourself right now.  Stressing isn’t going to solve anything and, frankly, it’s not good for the Crohn’s.  I could send one of the staff psychiatrists by if you’d like?  Sometimes finding out you have a chronic condition can cause some depression.”

              “Chronic condition?” Marissa managed to squeak out.

              “Yes, but we’ll know more tomorrow.  I’ll leave you with some information about what Crohn’s Disease is and I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have tomorrow after the exam.  And anything I don’t answer, your doctor at home will be able to answer for you.  Good?”

              Marissa could only find the energy to nod as the pain medication started to take effect and she felt herself drifting off to sleep again.

**

The harsh Arizona heat pummeled Marissa as soon as she stepped off the plane.  Chicago may have had better weather, but Marissa was actually glad to be home.

              ‘
My hell is finally over
,’ she thought as she walked to the terminal. ‘
Or is it?
’ as her blue eyes fell on her disappointed parents.  The look in her father’s eyes said he was going to have some words for her when they got home.  Her stomach started to burn with the pain and fear of crossing the threshold of her  house.
‘Note to self: find a way to move out!  FAST!’

              “You’ve lost so much weight for only being gone for two weeks,” her mom greeted, accusatorily.

              “We still had to walk about two miles a day, even if we were in Navy Separations,” Marissa informed her mom, hugging her.

              “How are you feeling?” her mom asked, coolly, but obviously concerned for her daughter’s health.

              “My ears are completely clogged and I feel like I’m going to pass out.  I think I picked up a cold or something,” she answered, “I’m still in some stomach pain, but much better than I was feeling after not getting any sleep.”

              “I can’t believe you actually have Crohn’s Disease.  Where did that come from?” her dad asked, angrily.

              “I don’t know; they said it’s hereditary.  They can’t have me needing to be so near a bathroom at all times, nor can they have me as sick I have been since getting to boot camp.  They said it was too much stress and not enough sleep.  They are much nicer to you when they find out you are leaving,” Marissa explained, carefully, brushing her copper hair out of her face.

              “I just wish you would’ve fought to stay in,” her mom said, a tinge of disappointment filled her words.

              “Mom, they told me that I am only eighteen and I’ve got something like ulcers…in my colon for goodness sakes!  They said it was possible to have sores perforate my intestines, and that could kill me, and you think I should’ve fought?! I don’t understand that,” Marissa fought back tears as she made her way through the terminal with her parents.  She knew her mom wanted her out of their house for Marissa’s own sanity, but it still hurt that she didn’t take her health into consideration.

              “Okay,” her mom answered in a small voice.

              “I’ll find a job and go back to college.  I’m pretty sure I’ll be happier this way.  Plus, I can get the medical attention I need to get this under control.  They say there are bouts of remission where I have no problems at all.  I’m just not there right now, but I will be.  I’m going to have to change my diet though,” she broached, looking up cautiously at her father’s furrowed brows.

              “You’ll have to pay for anything separate from what we eat on your own,” he stated, before glowering at her as they reached the baggage claim area.  “I think this is a bunch of bull shit if you ask me.  You are just weak and aren’t smart enough to make it on your own.”

              Marissa didn’t answer, but her shoulders slumped in failure.  She needed to do something, anything, to get control of her life back.

**

              A week later, Marissa started to feel like the pain was finally starting to get under control, and she’d been put on a drug protocol for her disease.  At last, she was able to start to look for a job and resume her former activities.  Her first order of business was to recommence her nightly walks with John, and she was grateful when he was more than willing to help her escape her even more stifling household for an hour or so.              

“Have you thought about what you are going to do now?" John asked, turning to Marissa. Even in the dark, she could see the sparkle of his green eyes. She sighed as they started across the street.
 

"I've got to find a job and find the money for school next semester. This Navy thing has really messed me up,” Marissa responded, her blue eyes deep in thought as she smoothed her ponytail.

“I'm glad you’re back,” John said, with a grin, "I had no one to walk with."

"I'm glad to be back. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life.  Besides, I just don't think it was for me," she replied, crossing the street into the newest section of their housing development. Most of the houses were still being framed, whereas others were only missing their doors and windows.

“You know, I bet we could have some alone time in one of those houses," he joked and grabbed at Marissa's hand.

"And do what?" Marissa laughed.

"I could fill you out like an application," he defended. Marissa laughed at his fake pout and puppy dog eyes.

"You can't even fill yourself out. What makes you think you can satisfy me?"

He stopped walking and pulled her into his arms, staring deeply into her eyes. She met his gaze with equal intensity, daring him to make a move. She grinned at him and wondered if he really had the guts to kiss her.

"Are we starting this dance early tonight?"

Defeated, he released her and started walking again.

"You're too chicken,” he snorted, puffing out his chest.

"Yeah, it's me,” she let out a sarcastic laugh.

Suddenly, John's arms surrounded her again. Rewarding him for taking action, she returned his kiss, trying to give back the passion he seemed to be trying to convey.   Marissa started to feel some of the control she lost in the airport return to her.
‘That made me feel amazing, powerful, desired. Just like it always has, maybe this could bring everything back to order,’
she thought.  After catching their breath, they continued their walk.

"Are you coming to hang out at my house before you go home?" John asked with hopeful glint in his eyes.

"Sure."

"Good,” he smiled at her, a dimple visible in his cheek, “If we can finish our walk soon, we can make it back to my place in time for “Real Sex” on HBO,” he pointed out.

“Let’s do that!  That show has become like a routine for us, hasn’t it?”

They rounded another corner and found themselves in another housing development playground.

“We can cut through this park.  It’ll take us back to my street,” John said, unable to hide his excitement.

John and Marissa navigated the sandy park terrain, continuing toward John’s house.  The silence between them seemed to speak volumes as they approached the street again.  John, awkwardly, took Marissa’s hand.

“Why does this feel so weird?” Marissa asked.

“Because we’ve been friends for so long, almost six years now.”

“But we’ve kissed and everything before.  This sort of thing isn’t new to our relationship.  Maybe it’s because you’re trying to act like a boyfriend,” she concluded.  Before they entered his house, John stopped and looked into Marissa’s eyes. 

‘Maybe I hurt his feelings’,
she thought, but shrugged it off.

“Come on,” John started, “You know why it’s awkward now.  You aren’t a virgin anymore, and I still am,” he finished, a small frown on his lips.

“That’s ridiculous!” Marissa laughed.

“I’m glad you think it’s so funny,” John retorted, unlocking the door.  He made a beeline for the couch, and Marissa sat down beside him and took his hand again.

“John, you don’t
honestly
think that my
supposed
new experience is going to matter, do you?” she quizzed.  His look answered her question.  “So I’ve had sex twice more than you have.  Big deal!  I’m not quite ready to go there with someone again.  It took two years for me to go there with Matthew.  You don’t have to be nervous about that,” she assured.  

“Okay,” he smiled and moved to put his arm around Marissa’s shoulders on the couch.

‘Although, if sex could double the power that kiss gave me…,’
Marissa watched the show, deep in thought on how to feel like she had some semblance of control over her life now that her plans had crumbled beneath her feet. 
‘Love, but never fall in love…’

**

“But I’m bored,” Marissa whined at John through the phone.

              “I know, but it’s after ten and I have to work in the morning,” he responded, “you’ve got an interview tomorrow, you need to rest, too.”

              “I’ll be fine, it’s not until one. Besides, I’m not tired.  I want to hang out,” she pouted.

              “Why don’t you sign on to the internet and check your email?  Maybe one of your other night owl friends will want to hang out.”

              “Marissa!  Get off the damn phone, I need it,” she heard Jared yell from his bedroom.

              “Marissa, give your brother the phone!” her father yelled from the opposite direction, probably from his bedroom.  She knew he was on his way to bed and was grateful the house would be quiet shortly.

              “Fine, fine.  I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” Marissa whimpered.

              “Good night, sweetie,” John said, before they hung up their respective phones.

              ‘
I’ll get online, I guess.  There’s nothing on TV anyway!’
she thought as she walked back into her bedroom after handing over the phone.  She tried to shake off her anger that her brother garnered more respect in her house than she did.

              “Welcome!  You’ve got mail!” her computer shouted when she signed on to her internet account.  She opened her email and smiled as she read her latest update from Matthew’s program.  He was having a great time.  Marissa missed him, but it was nice to see him out starting his life, even if her own plans had stalled and backfired.  Nearly an hour later, after exhausting all of her ‘night owl’ contacts, she was about to give up hope of being distracted.

              “Ping!” An instant message popped onto her screen.

AAndrews: 
Are you coming to the show on Saturday?

It was Aaron! 

“
Of course!”
she typed back to him.
“My friend said to tell you that the guitars were drowning the vocals at your last show.”

AAndrews:
Thanks.  What are you up to?

MMasterson:
Just hanging out, glad to be home.  You?

AAndrews:
I’m glad you’re home, too.  What are you up to tonight?

MMasterson:
Just hanging out at the house, wishing I could’ve got some action tonight.  It’s been awhile.

AAndrews:
I’m sure it has been.  You were gone a few weeks, right?

MMasterson:
Yeah, but it’s been almost two months.  I don’t necessarily need to get laid, just want to make out or something.  I tried, but John has to work in the morning.

AAndrews:
I know what you mean.  Wanna come over? After all, you never delivered on your promise…

AAndrews:
And who are you kidding?  You definitely need to get laid.

MMasterson: 
LOL!  You’re right! On both accounts.

MMasterson: 
But, don’t you have a girlfriend?

AAndrews:
Yes, but I want to be with you tonight. I almost exclusively want to be with you…Do you want to?

MMasterson:
I can’t take my truck out this late.  My parents keep it under lock and key, even though I’m old enough to be out “past curfew”- it’s their attempt to keep me “forever 14” or something like that.

AAndrews:
I can come to you.

Marissa’s pulse raced as she stared at the words on her computer screen.

AAndrews:
Please? I really want to see you.  You have no idea how long the last month has been without you.

‘Am I really considering this?’
she thought.  Watching Aaron on stage made her weak in the knees and she’d loved talking to him these past few months, but could she really sleep with him?

‘
I want to though, so badly,
’ she weighed her decision and then sent him the directions to her house.

“See you soon,”
he sent before signing off.

‘Shit
,’ Marissa thought, ‘
too late to back out now
.’ The flutter in her stomach signaled anticipation more than apprehension.  Looking for something to wear, she realized she couldn’t let him in the house.

CHAPTER 9

June 2000

‘
Damn it!  What am I going to do now? The last thing I need is my parents catching me.’
She’d gotten lucky with Matthew, but he was spending the weekend so his presence was much easier to explain away than Aaron’s.  She located her small orange dress and slipped it over her head.  It had an empire waist and spaghetti straps that fed into the bodice and tied in the valley of her too-large-for-her-frame breasts.  The hem fell just above mid thigh, almost too short, but the sweltering June heat made little clothing acceptable.